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Old 11-07-2012, 11:19 AM   #1
pbgainer
 
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Default Am I crazy?

Okay, so I went to the thrift store yesterday to buy new pants--because I got too fat for my old ones. I picked out a few pair that looked nice--I went up a size to a 44" waist... went to the fitting room... tried them on... and to my surprise, they were too tight---and my instant reaction was JOY... I thought, "Wow--I actually need a 46" waist! Awesome!" I'm a nuts for enjoying being fat? Is it weird that I love to stuff and feel totally full and lay down and enjoy the feeling of being fat and full.. and just totally relaxing in my recliner?

I'm beginning to get fat enough that I'm facing some challenges--like putting on socks and shoes... and just in general moving around is harder---and yet---I just keep eating--and loving every bite---wanting more. Am I out of control? I honestly do care about my health. I love to exercise. I walk 2 miles, very briskly, 3-4 days a week. I love to move and stretch and sweat and give my heart and body a work-out. I feel very much like I have a strong cardiovascular system. I've read tons of medical studies on being fat and fit/healthy and I'm 100% convinced that the data shows that I (or anyone) can be both--totally fat and totally fit/healthy.

So, I live between these two worlds--one that just loves getting fatter and fatter and eating and chilling... I love the softness and mass of my fat--it just feels great. when I tried on my 46" pants in the fitting room and looked at myself in the full-length mirror i really hit me---I was like, "Wow--you are so totally fat!" And I loved it. Then there's this other side that struggles---I wrestle with all of the social stigmas aimed at fat people--the shame, the stereotypes, etc.

But--one thing remains constant through it all--I GET HUNGRY! My big fat body has developed a huge appetite. I can down 1,500 calories at a sitting and not even feel stuffed... and thirty minutes later I can feel like I want some chips or cookies. I totally enjoy the eating, and yet I know it's making me massively huge---I don't want to get so big that I'm immobile, and yet, all of a sudden I'm a little bit freaked out, because my passion for eating, consistenly over-rides everything! I may have had 5,000 calories in a day--but at 11 pm I want that bag of chips--and I always give into my hunger.

So, I find myself in a twisted state of mind---fat... getting fatter.... totally loving being fat and totally cool with getting a lot fatter.. BUT not wanting to become immobile or unable to exercise---I don't care at all about being "athletic"---I just like being able to walk and do my exercises---which totally make me sweat and works me out great---I have zero struggle (mobility wise) doing my work-out now, at 260... and I believe I could do it at 300 or even larger... I just have this gnawing thought in my mind... "Am I on a one way collision course with a body that is so huge I can't move?" --- because I'm telling you -- I love to eat and my appetite seems only to grow as my body grows.

Have any of you wrestled with similar thoughts? How did you process/resolve it?
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Old 11-09-2012, 06:29 AM   #2
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Default Your Not Crazy

Your explanation of your conflicted emotions is something I have been dealing with for years. Finding myself more and more in love with getting fat and at the same time wanting to remain active, etc. About 25 years ago I made the decision to just enjoy all the food the world has to offer and not worry about my weight. I slowly and steadily gained 120 lbs over the next 10 to 12 years and now weigh 300. I too found myself turned on every time I went shopping and realized I had to buy a bigger size. And I also love being stuffed, sitting in a chair, my belly packed to capacity after a sumptous meal. The buzz you get from being "pleasently stuffed" as I like to call it. The thought of growing fatter really appeals to me, but I know I need to stay at 300 or slightly below in order to maintain mobility, enjoy things like golf, etc. In an ideal world, if I could be completely healthy and mobile with no joint pain, etc. I would love to gain another 100 pounds and reach 400 but I know given my body build, that would not work. So no your not crazy and your explanation of your conflicted feelings is something I wrestle with every day. I don't think there is a solution. It is something you just have to live with and enjoy the process of getting fatter while you still can be healthy.
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