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Old 10-14-2012, 12:17 AM   #1
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Default Need some BBW advice

So as some of you might know from the Couple thread, I'm dating a non-FA. He's never been with a bigger girl before, at least to my extent. So, I normally have confidence and find myself attractive most times, and he tells me he does too. He tells me my body doesn't bother him and he often will try to get me naked. However, I just can't shake the feeling of being self conscious with him and we've been dating for a little while already. I really really really like this guy and I don't want to ruin what could potentially be my first love from being too self conscious. But at the same time, I'm used to being with FA's. What do I do? :c How do I get more comfortable being with someone who I know isn't necessarily attracted to bigger women and has openly admitted that he prefers thinner women? I know it shouldn't matter in the end, because he likes me for me, but I feel like if things don't change, our relationship won't progress as it should.
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Old 10-14-2012, 09:23 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by kaylaisamachine View Post
So as some of you might know from the Couple thread, I'm dating a non-FA. He's never been with a bigger girl before, at least to my extent. So, I normally have confidence and find myself attractive most times, and he tells me he does too. He tells me my body doesn't bother him and he often will try to get me naked. However, I just can't shake the feeling of being self conscious with him and we've been dating for a little while already. I really really really like this guy and I don't want to ruin what could potentially be my first love from being too self conscious. But at the same time, I'm used to being with FA's. What do I do? :c How do I get more comfortable being with someone who I know isn't necessarily attracted to bigger women and has openly admitted that he prefers thinner women? I know it shouldn't matter in the end, because he likes me for me, but I feel like if things don't change, our relationship won't progress as it should.
What jumped out at me first was that you said 'He tells me that my body doesn't bother him'. This I've heard in the past myself, and I personally have ambivalent feelings about it because on one hand, he's saying he's fine with it but on the other hand he's not saying he really likes it a lot and finds you physically appealing.

I believe in 'the whole package' when it comes to relationships. You accept and embrace the good and the bad (and by bad I mean personality flaws, not necessarily physical differences and definitely not something that you would ordinarily find repulsive) so I myself have questioned and considered if it is good enough for me that I would be 'good enough' and to tell the truth, it never is. I will shortchange myself and be very unhappy not to mention be unable to be the person I should be to myself and my partner.

Now, this is really subject to a lot of interpretation because he could very well like your body a lot and like it even more because it's part of the whole kaylateapotawesome package but he just may not be expressing it in a way that's reassuring enough to you. It's also hard if you just ask, are you attracted to my body, because it puts someone on the spot and can make them defensively say, of course I do, when they might not even know yet or ever.

For me, it's not enough to just like me for me. If I'm with someone, I'll be perfectly honest, I will think they hung the stars and moon, I will adore them and everything about them and yes, I have even loved their flaws and found them endearing, even over time and I've realized over the same amount of time that I don't deserve anything less than what I give and neither do you, Kayla.

Take it slow. And please, please, trust your gut instinct and always be true to yourself. Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart. Listen to your instincts. Best of luck.
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Old 10-14-2012, 09:25 AM   #3
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There are men in this world that sometimes just see ATTRACTIVE... not fat or thin or whatever. Obviously this boy has good taste, because you are ohhh soo cute (and so many other things I would imagine).

The key is within yourself though. How you feel and carry yourself shines out to those around you. Don't focus on if he is an FA or not... focus on the fact that he made a decision to be with you. He likes you. You like yourself. It would be an HONOR for him to see you naked!
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Old 10-14-2012, 09:38 PM   #4
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What jumped out at me first was that you said 'He tells me that my body doesn't bother him'. This I've heard in the past myself, and I personally have ambivalent feelings about it because on one hand, he's saying he's fine with it but on the other hand he's not saying he really likes it a lot and finds you physically appealing.

I believe in 'the whole package' when it comes to relationships. You accept and embrace the good and the bad (and by bad I mean personality flaws, not necessarily physical differences and definitely not something that you would ordinarily find repulsive) so I myself have questioned and considered if it is good enough for me that I would be 'good enough' and to tell the truth, it never is. I will shortchange myself and be very unhappy not to mention be unable to be the person I should be to myself and my partner.

Now, this is really subject to a lot of interpretation because he could very well like your body a lot and like it even more because it's part of the whole kaylateapotawesome package but he just may not be expressing it in a way that's reassuring enough to you. It's also hard if you just ask, are you attracted to my body, because it puts someone on the spot and can make them defensively say, of course I do, when they might not even know yet or ever.

For me, it's not enough to just like me for me. If I'm with someone, I'll be perfectly honest, I will think they hung the stars and moon, I will adore them and everything about them and yes, I have even loved their flaws and found them endearing, even over time and I've realized over the same amount of time that I don't deserve anything less than what I give and neither do you, Kayla.

Take it slow. And please, please, trust your gut instinct and always be true to yourself. Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart. Listen to your instincts. Best of luck.
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There are men in this world that sometimes just see ATTRACTIVE... not fat or thin or whatever. Obviously this boy has good taste, because you are ohhh soo cute (and so many other things I would imagine).

The key is within yourself though. How you feel and carry yourself shines out to those around you. Don't focus on if he is an FA or not... focus on the fact that he made a decision to be with you. He likes you. You like yourself. It would be an HONOR for him to see you naked!
Thank you guys. I think my biggest concern is just not letting my head get the best of me. I enjoy being with him so much, he's definitely a lot different than any guy I have ever dated, which is why I think I'm being extra careful about things I do and say because I do care about him so much. Also, I know he still talks to this girl whom he used to have feelings for and she had feelings for him as well, but they didn't work out because she moved out of state for school and she was always busy. I hate the fact that that is the only factor that plays in why their relationship wouldn't work. It makes me wonder if I'm just more convenient for him or if he would have rather been with me. But, at the same time that shouldn't matter, I should just be happy he is with me instead of trying to analyze everything, right?

By the way, the fact that you guys took the time out of your day to respond to something that might seem so insignificant or petty really means a lot to me. I just haven't really even been able to talk to my friends about it because they don't understand. The fact that I'm a bigger girl, one of my friends always has to deny it and it really doesn't help. -__-
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Old 10-14-2012, 10:58 PM   #5
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Kayla there is another question that springs to mind here and that is

Is he rushing you? you may just not feel ready or in that place in the relationship we all take different amounts of time for all the extra stuff like being naked in front of someone and such.

If he is trying to get you naked I think to me that says he likes the whole package and finds you attractive.

Though I do agree with Lainey on some points to. Without knowing him it is hard to say.

Far better for him to be a Kayla Admirer (and honestly what man in his right mind wouldnt be your AWESOME) rather than an fa or non fa some people don't like lables, lots of people dont have a specific type and find the whole person both inside and out to be the draw card.

Also please dont sell yourself short or put expectations that he isnt attracted to you out there.

Sometimes an open honest discussion really is the way to go, instead of putting it on him as an on the spot question you could be honest and say you worry that he wont find your naked self attractive. Sometimes honesty though hard can be the best thing.

Whatever you do remember your value and your worth. Don't do anything your not ready or comfortable with and its ok to go at your own pace.
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Old 10-15-2012, 06:53 AM   #6
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Kayla, this may be pretty juvenile hehehe but instead of asking him what he thinks about your body, why don't you do a little test?!

Wear something that you know just makes you look over-the-top-vava-voom, strut around him like you own it (because you do) and watch his face and reaction... actions always speak louder than words
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Old 10-15-2012, 02:07 PM   #7
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Kayla, this may be pretty juvenile hehehe but instead of asking him what he thinks about your body, why don't you do a little test?!

Wear something that you know just makes you look over-the-top-vava-voom, strut around him like you own it (because you do) and watch his face and reaction... actions always speak louder than words


Good idea!
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Old 12-05-2012, 08:39 PM   #8
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Well, men have body issues too...no matter how "fine" they might be. Men are also very visual creatures, so I can respect your apprehension. But it does sound like he accepts you for who you are. Bring that same confidence you have that got his attention in the first place with you. Your body is what it is. The bottom line is for a relationship to work....which means acceptance on both sides of the fence, one has to be able to love and accept each other...and be hot and turned on for each other as they are. Even though he may not be a FA...he is a YOU admirer. If he can't handle you nekkid....(or vice versa) then as a long term relationship there's going to be struggles. But the only way to know for sure is to go for it, if it's something you're both ready for. Good luck!
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:15 PM   #9
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Well, men have body issues too...no matter how "fine" they might be. Men are also very visual creatures, so I can respect your apprehension. But it does sound like he accepts you for who you are. Bring that same confidence you have that got his attention in the first place with you. Your body is what it is. The bottom line is for a relationship to work....which means acceptance on both sides of the fence, one has to be able to love and accept each other...and be hot and turned on for each other as they are. Even though he may not be a FA...he is a YOU admirer. If he can't handle you nekkid....(or vice versa) then as a long term relationship there's going to be struggles. But the only way to know for sure is to go for it, if it's something you're both ready for. Good luck!
So true! Thank you so much for your words of advice. <3
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:43 PM   #10
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.... I know isn't necessarily attracted to bigger women and has openly admitted that he prefers thinner women?
This is the only thing that jumps out at me. How did he tell you this? I think, no matter the situation, hearing this will plant a seed in any girl's mind that she's never going to be good enough. I'm not trying to be a negative nelly, I've just heard this before. When someone I'm really into tells me, "I dig you, you're an awesome chick... I've just always preferred thinner women..." I can't stop obsessing about this.

I do think the other gals have good advice though.
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Old 12-06-2012, 04:07 PM   #11
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When someone I'm really into tells me, "I dig you, you're an awesome chick... I've just always preferred thinner women..." I can't stop obsessing about this.
Ditto. If someone says something to that effect to me, it kills me a little. Im not a self conscious person, but it makes me self conscious.

I'm the kind of person to have a sit down chit-chat in regards to it. Tell him how I feel and how what he said made me feel. If he can clarify, great. If he clams up, adios! lol But that's just me...
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Old 12-06-2012, 06:43 PM   #12
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"I dig you, you're an awesome chick... I've just always preferred thinner women..."
In my experience, this is usually intended to be a backhanded compliment, i.e. "you're more awesome than the other fatties to me, but you're still a fatty, and I'll overlook that aspect until everything fizzles out." Unfortunately, this tends to happen sooner rather than later.

"Oh, and I want to ogle at and squeeze your large breasts!" Okay--maybe only I'm the only one that gets that.

It's also just as likely that he does find you attractive in a way that is atypical to him, and he was expressing that fact by saying this. Some men are oddly shocked when a BBW becomes a serious contender in the realm of possibilities. It's not fair for them to be shocked, but we all know that spiel.

I'd advise you to talk with him about it, honestly. Men usually say what they mean and mean what they say, but there are times that it comes out "the wrong way."

Even so, I'd say that it's worth picking up on cues like this and addressing them, instead of pretending to have blinders on. Your feelings, no matter how much they come from your own insecurity (and most of us suffer from it to some degree), deserve to be expressed in a direct, but fair manner. And, if the guy doesn't respond in a way that satisfies you, or continually refuses to make the effort necessary to appease your concerns (should there be more directly treatable issues), it's time to move on. Men don't change unless they want to. Trust me--I've learned this the hard way.
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Old 12-06-2012, 09:09 PM   #13
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In my experience, this is usually intended to be a backhanded compliment, i.e. "you're more awesome than the other fatties to me, but you're still a fatty, and I'll overlook that aspect until everything fizzles out." Unfortunately, this tends to happen sooner rather than later ........

Even so, I'd say that it's worth picking up on cues like this and addressing them, instead of pretending to have blinders on. Your feelings, no matter how much they come from your own insecurity (and most of us suffer from it to some degree), deserve to be expressed in a direct, but fair manner. And, if the guy doesn't respond in a way that satisfies you, or continually refuses to make the effort necessary to appease your concerns (should there be more directly treatable issues), it's time to move on. Men don't change unless they want to. Trust me--I've learned this the hard way.
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Ditto. If someone says something to that effect to me, it kills me a little. Im not a self conscious person, but it makes me self conscious.

I'm the kind of person to have a sit down chit-chat in regards to it. Tell him how I feel and how what he said made me feel. If he can clarify, great. If he clams up, adios! lol But that's just me...
Exactly! I just couldn't articulate it well. I was so caught up in how many times I've heard it myself. Thank you both for picking up what I was trying to say, reiterate it, and explain it better.

Kayla, whatever you do, don't sacrifice your feelings, your emotions, or your self esteem.


P.S. - You're bloody gorgeous. I know you hear this a lot on this forum, but really to me you are. You're stunning, funky, unique. Enjoy who you are, you're young!
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Old 12-06-2012, 09:23 PM   #14
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my 2 cents...

i think he really likes you ... if size is a deal breaker i dont think you guys would still be seeing each other ... maybe youre overanalyzing it ..id say just go with the flow, have fun wit it and enjoy yourself.. i know ive blown a hell of a lot of relationships by over thinking the shit out of it and start acting like some detached douche
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Old 12-07-2012, 11:07 AM   #15
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So as some of you might know from the Couple thread, I'm dating a non-FA. He's never been with a bigger girl before, at least to my extent. So, I normally have confidence and find myself attractive most times, and he tells me he does too. He tells me my body doesn't bother him and he often will try to get me naked. However, I just can't shake the feeling of being self conscious with him and we've been dating for a little while already. I really really really like this guy and I don't want to ruin what could potentially be my first love from being too self conscious. But at the same time, I'm used to being with FA's. What do I do? :c How do I get more comfortable being with someone who I know isn't necessarily attracted to bigger women and has openly admitted that he prefers thinner women? I know it shouldn't matter in the end, because he likes me for me, but I feel like if things don't change, our relationship won't progress as it should.
Hey honey, you know how fabulous I think you are! You're in your head too much. It's so hard when we are getting those warm fuzzy feelings to over analyze everything. You have a killer personality, you are a good person, and you are beautiful - inside and out. He obviously sees that.

Being with FA's is fantastic - they rub you and squeeze you and you know without a shadow of a doubt that they are super attracted to you. Dating someone who hasn't really been with bigger women is absolutely intimidating. You worry about that little roll, the double chin, what his friends and family think...if you're good enough. Every insecurity every woman faces times about 10. I've been there. Most of these women here have been there too.

You're going to be a little self conscious. You're going to be a little insecure. But don't let that stop you from having a really good relationship. If he makes you feel wanted and desired, then chances are he wants and desires you. Just because he wouldn't typically date a larger girl doesn't mean anything. He could be in a room with a Victoria's Secret model and be totally turned off because she's vapid and dense. Just work what ya got. Confidence really is the biggest turn on for men.

Good luck sweetpea!
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Old 12-07-2012, 02:52 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Jeeshcristina View Post
Hey honey, you know how fabulous I think you are! You're in your head too much. It's so hard when we are getting those warm fuzzy feelings to over analyze everything. You have a killer personality, you are a good person, and you are beautiful - inside and out. He obviously sees that.

Being with FA's is fantastic - they rub you and squeeze you and you know without a shadow of a doubt that they are super attracted to you. Dating someone who hasn't really been with bigger women is absolutely intimidating. You worry about that little roll, the double chin, what his friends and family think...if you're good enough. Every insecurity every woman faces times about 10. I've been there. Most of these women here have been there too.

You're going to be a little self conscious. You're going to be a little insecure. But don't let that stop you from having a really good relationship. If he makes you feel wanted and desired, then chances are he wants and desires you. Just because he wouldn't typically date a larger girl doesn't mean anything. He could be in a room with a Victoria's Secret model and be totally turned off because she's vapid and dense. Just work what ya got. Confidence really is the biggest turn on for men.

Good luck sweetpea!
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Originally Posted by MRdobolina View Post
my 2 cents...

i think he really likes you ... if size is a deal breaker i dont think you guys would still be seeing each other ... maybe youre overanalyzing it ..id say just go with the flow, have fun wit it and enjoy yourself.. i know ive blown a hell of a lot of relationships by over thinking the shit out of it and start acting like some detached douche
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Originally Posted by dharmabean View Post
Exactly! I just couldn't articulate it well. I was so caught up in how many times I've heard it myself. Thank you both for picking up what I was trying to say, reiterate it, and explain it better.

Kayla, whatever you do, don't sacrifice your feelings, your emotions, or your self esteem.


P.S. - You're bloody gorgeous. I know you hear this a lot on this forum, but really to me you are. You're stunning, funky, unique. Enjoy who you are, you're young!
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Originally Posted by bbwlibrarian View Post
In my experience, this is usually intended to be a backhanded compliment, i.e. "you're more awesome than the other fatties to me, but you're still a fatty, and I'll overlook that aspect until everything fizzles out." Unfortunately, this tends to happen sooner rather than later.

"Oh, and I want to ogle at and squeeze your large breasts!" Okay--maybe only I'm the only one that gets that.

It's also just as likely that he does find you attractive in a way that is atypical to him, and he was expressing that fact by saying this. Some men are oddly shocked when a BBW becomes a serious contender in the realm of possibilities. It's not fair for them to be shocked, but we all know that spiel.

I'd advise you to talk with him about it, honestly. Men usually say what they mean and mean what they say, but there are times that it comes out "the wrong way."

Even so, I'd say that it's worth picking up on cues like this and addressing them, instead of pretending to have blinders on. Your feelings, no matter how much they come from your own insecurity (and most of us suffer from it to some degree), deserve to be expressed in a direct, but fair manner. And, if the guy doesn't respond in a way that satisfies you, or continually refuses to make the effort necessary to appease your concerns (should there be more directly treatable issues), it's time to move on. Men don't change unless they want to. Trust me--I've learned this the hard way.
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Originally Posted by Oona View Post
Ditto. If someone says something to that effect to me, it kills me a little. Im not a self conscious person, but it makes me self conscious.

I'm the kind of person to have a sit down chit-chat in regards to it. Tell him how I feel and how what he said made me feel. If he can clarify, great. If he clams up, adios! lol But that's just me...
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Originally Posted by dharmabean View Post
This is the only thing that jumps out at me. How did he tell you this? I think, no matter the situation, hearing this will plant a seed in any girl's mind that she's never going to be good enough. I'm not trying to be a negative nelly, I've just heard this before. When someone I'm really into tells me, "I dig you, you're an awesome chick... I've just always preferred thinner women..." I can't stop obsessing about this.

I do think the other gals have good advice though.
@Dharmabean He told me because I asked him, I was curious if he had ever been with a bigger girl before. That wasn't the way he said it though, the way he said it made me feel like I was special, that I was worth something more than the thinner girls he dated because he had chosen to date me. I don't want to think of it as a privilege or anything, but it made me feel wanted I suppose. By the way, thank you for the compliments. <3

@Oona Yeah, I mean I am and always will be self conscious about particular things, but he definitely embraces me, it's just so hard to let go of the feeling of 'what if'. He tells me he has eyes for only me, won't even talk about celebrities he thinks are attractive, but I wonder if he only says that because he is already aware of the self consciousness I feel because of that statement of him preferring thinner women, I think he just wants to assure me that he's not going anywhere because of my weight.

@bbwlibrarian That's a great way of thinking about it and we've talked about it. I definitely don't try and hide it from him. Thank you so much for the advice.

@Mrdobolina I do overanalyze things a lot by nature, so I know that's definitely what it is, but at the same time I can't help but wonder if any of it is true which is why I asked for advice to see what the possibilities are of what he is thinking. I mean, the ladies are right, I could just straight forward ask him, but I also don't want him to think I'm so insecure that I can't handle being in a relationship with him because that's not the case either. I guess I just sought out a bit of girl talk with women who would understand my situation because most of my girl friends are much thinner than I am.

@Jeeshcristina I think that is exactly what I needed to hear. You always know what to say. You're so sweet and I do just need to stop thinking about things so much and go with it. I'm just so afraid of being hurt at the same time, and I don't want my weight to be that reason that I get hurt, ya know?

Thank you guys all so much for responding to this in my time of need. It means so much to me. You're the greatest.
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Old 12-07-2012, 05:00 PM   #17
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Thank you guys all so much for responding to this in my time of need. It means so much to me. You're the greatest.

You know we're always here for you! Navigating love is tricky. You just don't ever let someone make you feel like you aren't good enough. You absolutely are. And you deserve someone who makes you feel like a million dollars.

If you ever need anything, you know how to find me girl!
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Old 12-07-2012, 05:49 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by kaylaisamachine View Post

@Oona Yeah, I mean I am and always will be self conscious about particular things, but he definitely embraces me, it's just so hard to let go of the feeling of 'what if'. He tells me he has eyes for only me, won't even talk about celebrities he thinks are attractive, but I wonder if he only says that because he is already aware of the self consciousness I feel because of that statement of him preferring thinner women, I think he just wants to assure me that he's not going anywhere because of my weight.
That's tricky. What I want to say is the fact that he's willing to NO5 say anything about anyone else because he worries about YOU means he truly does care. But I do understand and I would probably feel the same. Either way, We love you :-)
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