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Old 10-10-2012, 10:23 AM   #1
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Default So what if you never find a partner?

I'm about to reach the age that will be considered middle-aged and I am single. And I have been single for 10+ years. In fact, I have had only one longer term relationship in my life. And only very few sexual partners. It's been over 8 years since I had sex. Yes. Really.

Although dating, relationships, sex and all that goes with it does not play a big role in my life and I have considered myself as asexual I never thought I would be alone for the rest of my life, which seems to be the option I am facing. I am not a girl anymore, so most of my peers are attached now and if not, looking for partner who share similar experiences with them. Not helping this, I am also SSBW, which seems to double the burden.

I know I am not the only one in the world in this situation, but still trying to figure out how to cope with it. Where to find the meaning of life if there is no one to share that with?
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Old 10-10-2012, 06:16 PM   #2
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I have questioned this as well. I know as a 25 year old I have not experienced as much as you have but I think we are in similar situations. I have never had a boyfriend ever, I am still a virgin and lost my first kiss when I was 24 to a random person.

Every now and then I do admit that I get lonely because I would like to have someone to be with. I wish I had an answer to your question =/
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Old 10-11-2012, 11:51 AM   #3
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Hi Ladies!
I completly understand how you feel. I went almost 7 years on my own. Partly by choice but I just figured if something was meant to be it will fall in my lap. Well sometimes things in life don't just fall on your lap. Until I did some self esteem work- became confiedent in myself again and truley started to love myself; taking the leap into the dating world would have been useless. I believe until you can let someone else love you- you need to love yourself first find all the things about you that you are proud of and that people appreciate about you and really focus on those. Then jump in with 2 feet! Tell your friends and family you are ready to start dating...its increible how the word spreeds an people love setting their loved ones up! try online dating- it works!! And I foun it the easiest. Lots of weeding out to do, but there are incredible men out their on these sites.
There is someone out there for everyone!
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Old 10-11-2012, 02:54 PM   #4
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I'm 37 and still have not found the right person. I don't want to be alone all my life, but maybe that's just me. I have dated but all of them were the wrong one.
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Old 10-11-2012, 05:06 PM   #5
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When I was younger, it was incredibly important to me that I find someone and get married, because that's what you did. And I thought it would never happen for me, being the undesirable fat girl I was. As I got older, I realised it wasn't as big a deal to me any more. Would I prefer to be in a loving, supportive, and fulfilling relationship over being single? Yes. Is marriage necessary? No, but it'd be nice. I would much rather be single and happy than be in a relationship just to be in one, and I certainly won't be getting married just so I can say that "at least I got married." Whether there's someone out there for everyone really doesn't matter. My life does not and should not revolve around whether I'm in a relationship or not. I can on and be happy with who I am and never be married or have a long term partner, because I know that it's better to not compromise on who I am for the sake of avoiding loneliness.

It's not about avoiding dating or casual sex, but being aware that I have standards and I'll no longer compromise them just so that I'm not alone.
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Old 10-11-2012, 09:45 PM   #6
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The only thing I can add to this is this:

Sometimes not having a mate, as opposed to a mean spirited mate, is a lot better in the long run.
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Old 10-11-2012, 09:53 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dharmabean View Post
The only thing I can add to this is this:

Sometimes not having a mate, as opposed to a mean spirited mate, is a lot better in the long run.
I could tell you a lot about that.
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Old 10-12-2012, 08:13 AM   #8
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Just keep on being you and building your life with what makes you happy. I have seen a lot of people who have done just that and found someone that loves them in their 40's and even 50's. As others have said your happiness and confidence is what can attract a mate, and if not you have built a life on what YOU want and need you can be happy with or without someone to share it with.
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Old 10-12-2012, 10:55 AM   #9
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Thanks for all the great replies! Much more than I expected.

I left out a minor detail that I am living in a small country in Europe where we don't that much happening in (SS)BBW scene and looking for somebody preferring your body type is almost more difficult than finding a needle in a haystack. If I was living a larger country (or willing to relocate) I would definitely take more use of the online services that are available, but as it is now, it's not really an option since you get zero to none answers for your ad if you are honest about your weight.

Anyway, obviously I just need to build up my self-confidence even more and look for new opportunities. I am already VERY self-confident in my job (I'm in a managing position) and just ignore my weight while doing the work. I guess I just need to try harder to transfer that self-confidence to other parts of my life. Easier said than done but will try....
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Old 10-12-2012, 04:33 PM   #10
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I'm 51 and still looking. Honestly I didn't try for about 5 years. Then met someone randomly but it ended up he only wanted to see me in the privacy of his apartment. He wouldn't even come to my house. I hate these fucking closet cases. He truly broke my heart but it did make me realize how much I miss companionship-I don't think that in those 5 years I was aware that I might have been lonely. So I haven't given up. Like most of us I live in a smallish town then add being a BBW to that mix and it definitely lessens your odds. Though I just had lunch with a former co-worker and she's a BBW and she has been involved with her man for over 8 years that she met here so there is still hope. All we can do is keep trying.
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Old 10-16-2012, 12:33 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zeta View Post

Anyway, obviously I just need to build up my self-confidence even more and look for new opportunities. I am already VERY self-confident in my job (I'm in a managing position) and just ignore my weight while doing the work. I guess I just need to try harder to transfer that self-confidence to other parts of my life. Easier said than done but will try....

I am also extremely confident at work and that confidence carries over to my day-to-day life, but less so in romantic situations or any situation involving men I am attracted to...I feel you! haha I always think I should be able to carry over my confidence to that arena, but no luck yet!

I think everyone hit the main point though..I really think living your own life that is fulfilling with or without a partner is the best road to walk.
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Old 01-19-2013, 08:14 AM   #12
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Do you guys remember that song by Karen White - 'I know I'd rather be alone than be unhappy.' As I've gotten older and seen more and more women around me enter in toxic, dangerous relationships all for the sake of 'being with somebody' this song has become my anthem. You can be with a person who makes you feel more lonely when you're with them than you ever could have on your own. When the right one comes - if you are meant to meet the right one in this lifetime - then you'll know and it will be epic and it will be right and flawed and glorious - never perfect but right for you. Ialso read this fabulous article about singleness and marriage and companionship in this modern world. What I love best about it is the fact that it recognises the fact that there are many different kinds of love, many different kinds of relationships, and that we should allow ourselves to savour and enjoy all the connects and loves we have and not just hold out for that mythical, supposed soul bond with a non-existent prince charming ya know. It's long but well worth the read. http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/...wQtyo.facebook
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Old 01-22-2013, 10:07 AM   #13
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I came across this poem by Laurense Alma-Tadema the other day and thought this might be an appropriate place for it.

If no one ever marries me --
And I don't see why they should,
For nurse says I'm not pretty,
And I'm seldom very good --
If no one ever marries me
I shan't mind very much;
I shall buy a squirrel in a cage
And a little rabbit hutch.
I shall have a cottage near a wood
And a pony of my own,
And a little lamb quite clean and neat
That I can take to town.
And when I'm getting really old --
At twenty-eight or nine --
I shall buy a little orphan girl
And bring her up as mine.
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Old 01-24-2013, 09:23 PM   #14
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I'm turning 30 this year and feeling depressed. It seems whenever I fall in love, something bad happens. I have fallen in love several times in my life. In one situation, the guy left to another country due to legal problems (I won't get into details on here, but he didn't do it). Another boyfriend got a DUI charge during vacation in his native country and may not ever come back to the States. Another one had to move to another part of the country due to job loss. I'm dating one guy right now that I truly adore, but he has family issues and is too depressed to talk to me as of the moment. And I think to myself, "What is going on? Why the hell can't I have a lasting love?" And these were happy relationships that got cut because of random horrible circumstances, not due to incompatibility! But, I'm going to keep having hope. That's all there is....hope. Oh it's so easy to get plenty of no strings attached sex, but a lasting love is harder.

Some say "you can do bad all by yourself" or those other mantras, easier said than done. But we learn in Chemistry that chemical elements don't want to be alone and form bonds with other elements--become stabilized. My point, the urge to want to be with someone is very strong and it is no wonder many people would rather be in less than ideal relationship/marriage than alone.
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Old 01-25-2013, 05:50 PM   #15
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Being alone is sort of a way of life for me because I've never not been alone. I'm 24 and I've never been in a relationship and never fooled around with someone sober... I date occasionally?

I have some big big issues with touch and trust- touching or being touched by people I don't know as longstanding friends or family makes me react through a spectrum of flinching through nausea to a full on panic-attack.

Teenage bullying issues *shrug* it happens.

After some failed dates and trying to work this issue out with myself, I've just come to the conclusion that... it either happens or it doesn't. I'm aware that if I don't look for it then it probably won't but trying to smash through and date anyway doesnt work.

I may never work through my issues, and if I don't dating seems... unfair to me. I can't give either myself or my date what we want, and not being able to hold hands with someone who's charming, funny, sweet and a total sexpot just depresses me and frustrates them because they think they're doing something wrong.

The idea of never being in a relationship is depressing, but whenever it gets me down I remind myself of how many issues I've overcome and my wonderful friends and family- if I never meet anyone I'm still not alone because I have them. They are AWESOME. :P
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:40 AM   #16
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Not finding a partner is something that I think about from time to time. The old me - the girl with zero self-confidence - wonders if I'm just meant to be single forever. But now....I don't know, I guess I choose to be optimistic about this. I do think there is a person out there for everyone - I just have to remind myself of that when I'm feeling lonely. It'll happen at some point. Hopefully.
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:27 PM   #17
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I have sort of an 'understanding' with my best friend that if we're ever alone -- like ALONE alone, with no reasonable end in sight -- one of us can move in with the other. I know I'm lucky to have such an amazing friend, though.
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:13 PM   #18
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I've come to find out there are very few decent men left out there. Most of them are flakes, mean, and just plain clueless. Don't ever be a rebound chick, that's the worst. It seems that most men love to stay in dramatic relationships where the woman mistreats them. Now this guy is telling me that his ex wants him back, his ex was a nutjob. But he wants her back. This is not the first time it happened. I treated the guy very well, had a great time with him, respected him, passionate love to him. Most men don't want women who treat them well. They want straight up drama queens, that hooks them. Screw it, I'll probably end up alone. I'm so sick of guys and their bullshit. Oh well.
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Old 01-30-2013, 05:39 PM   #19
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I've come to find out there are very few decent men left out there. Most of them are flakes, mean, and just plain clueless. Don't ever be a rebound chick, that's the worst. It seems that most men love to stay in dramatic relationships where the woman mistreats them. Now this guy is telling me that his ex wants him back, his ex was a nutjob. But he wants her back. This is not the first time it happened. I treated the guy very well, had a great time with him, respected him, passionate love to him. Most men don't want women who treat them well. They want straight up drama queens, that hooks them. Screw it, I'll probably end up alone. I'm so sick of guys and their bullshit. Oh well.
Sister I hear you on this! I've just given up on ever finding someone. Anyone that says men like fat women is a LIAR!!!! Except in the bedroom - heaven forbid they be seen with us in public. They all want to be with the teeny tiny thin women so they can look COOL!!! I know there are men on this site that will dispute this but they are but a minute bit of the overall population. Shall we go have a cup of tea, my friend?
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Old 01-30-2013, 07:08 PM   #20
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There are so many stereotypes generalities being thrown around here it's disheartening. We all have baggage and history we have to work our way through. Not everyone has wised up to the mistakes they've made and how to fix the issues and prevent them happening again. Not everyone is a clusterfuck waiting to explode in your face. Part of having a successful relationship is seeing where YOU went wrong and what YOU can do to prevent those actions/reactions from happening again, as well as communicating with your partner about your needs. We don't always get it right, and sometimes we make a bigger mess of it by trying to fix it, but it's always a learning experience.

Saying "never be the rebound" is ridiculous. You can't expect every relationship you get into to be The One, serious and committed from the beginning, and sometimes it can be fun to have that sort of relationship. Going into dating someone when you have the big flashing sign of "MARRIAGE AHEAD" will scare people off. You can't always blame other people for your relationships not working.

I think it's much better to be by yourself and happy than to go from relationship to relationship without learning anything, without growing, without feeling better about yourself. I know women who are serial monogamists, who HAVE to be in a relationship to have any sense of self worth. I think it's a very sad way to be, but that's how they choose to be.
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