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Old 07-08-2013, 12:02 PM   #1
BigWheels
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Default Reverse weightism?

I find myself in an odd position and want to see if anyone else has encountered it.

I've got a "friend" (using that term lightly atm) who has told me that just because they're fat (and growing), and I'm trying to take a few pounds off for medical reasons that they just don't think we should be hanging out anymore.

I've made no comments about her weight, and it seems like since I put more veggies in the fridge she isn't as fast to grab a bite to eat when she visits. But she's always snacking when she comes over (usually on my food). We are platonic so it's not FWB or anything.

I'm thinking just cut her loose but damn I don't have many people that visit now.

I don't know what to do. It's tough enough being single & alone, but should I keep snacks on hand for her or do I cut my losses (and someone who actually visits regularly)?
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Old 07-08-2013, 01:34 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by BigWheels View Post
I find myself in an odd position and want to see if anyone else has encountered it.

I've got a "friend" (using that term lightly atm) who has told me that just because they're fat (and growing), and I'm trying to take a few pounds off for medical reasons that they just don't think we should be hanging out anymore.

I've made no comments about her weight, and it seems like since I put more veggies in the fridge she isn't as fast to grab a bite to eat when she visits. But she's always snacking when she comes over (usually on my food). We are platonic so it's not FWB or anything.

I'm thinking just cut her loose but damn I don't have many people that visit now.

I don't know what to do. It's tough enough being single & alone, but should I keep snacks on hand for her or do I cut my losses (and someone who actually visits regularly)?
I'd say you should ask for more info, in as neutral a way as possible. I mean, there are all sorts of possibilities, such as:
- she just feels guilty when she is around you now, either because it makes her feel bad about gaining, or she worries that she's making it harder for you to lose, and doesn't like that feeling
- she saw your place as a safe (food) injection site, and you've lost that status.
- she'd felt a sort of kindred spirit thing--you were also fat and apparently ok with fat stuff--and that has been lost now.
- she'd been hoping that you'd start gaining too, and she had (platonic) mutual gaining fantasies that have been shattered.
- lots of other things that would probably never occur to me (or possibly almost anyone else)

Only way you'll know is if you ask, and if you do it in a non-judging sort of way maybe you'll even get a level answer.

Now, once you get an answer (or try) still totally up to you if you try to change her mind, or just let her go. Overall, does she make your life a brighter place? For that matter how do you feel about her gaining? (if you don't feel comfortable with it, maybe it is best to put more distance into things). It may be that your roads just happened to run parallel for a while, and that is done....or it could be that when you understand her better you'll actually find other things that connect the two of you.
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Old 07-08-2013, 01:40 PM   #3
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that's pretty insightful. I honestly didn't think any of those things... esp. the feeding spot.

Guess I'll have to see.
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Old 07-08-2013, 02:22 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by BigWheels View Post
I find myself in an odd position and want to see if anyone else has encountered it.

I've got a "friend" (using that term lightly atm) who has told me that just because they're fat (and growing), and I'm trying to take a few pounds off for medical reasons that they just don't think we should be hanging out anymore.

I've made no comments about her weight, and it seems like since I put more veggies in the fridge she isn't as fast to grab a bite to eat when she visits. But she's always snacking when she comes over (usually on my food). We are platonic so it's not FWB or anything.

I'm thinking just cut her loose but damn I don't have many people that visit now.

I don't know what to do. It's tough enough being single & alone, but should I keep snacks on hand for her or do I cut my losses (and someone who actually visits regularly)?
I can see why this could be a difficult situation for you with you not having too many people that visit you. I know that I am an unforgiving person where people are concerned and I would throw her as far away from me as possible instead of being used like a vending machine. But I understand that not everybody is like me as far as that is concerned. My blood is boiling on your behalf as we type to be honest!

As far as reverse weightism is concerned, does that include weightism against skinny people? Because it really annoys me that so many people on the internet and in real life think that they have to put down or belittle skinny people in order to express their preference for larger people. This is especially common with anti-thin women comments, real women have curves and all that rubbish. A couple of friends were talking about it the other night and complaining about the comments they personally receive about their slenderness. Which was kinda an awkward situation for me, being the only fat girl there I was both the literal and metaphorical elephant in the room!
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Old 07-08-2013, 03:25 PM   #5
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I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you're going through. I have to wholeheartedly agree with Tad that it would be for the best to just sit down with her and get to the bottom of what it is she is having issue with. We are often creatures of habit, so maybe it's simply that she finds it difficult to deal with the changes that are happening, even if only indirectly. Or maybe it's a combination of things, which seems more likely. In any case, it certainly can't hurt anything to confront her about it, as long as you keep a level head.

This subject is something I've thought about myself (only just recently, in fact), so I can relate with what you've been pondering.That, if I needed to lose weight for health concerns, would I still have a place at Dims, for instance? Would I potentially lose some of the FA/FFA friends I've made because of that transition? We all have our own physical preferences, and I know they can be a very important defining factor (hence the existence of social sites like this, dedicated to those particular preferences) but I'd like to think that the relationships we make here go deeper than a layer of skin and fat. Personally, I've met some of the greatest, most interesting people in the short time I've been here at Dims, than just about anywhere else-I'm not even exaggerating-and I'd hate to lose any of that in the event I had to lose weight for whatever reason.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I hear where you're coming from, and that I hope you're able to find out and come to an understanding, as to what's bothering your friend. If she's indeed a true friend, then at the very least, she owes it to you to explain what's going on and maybe what can be done to make her more comfortable and accepting of the situation.

I wish you the best of luck
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Old 07-08-2013, 04:20 PM   #6
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This subject is something I've thought about myself (only just recently, in fact), so I can relate with what you've been pondering.That, if I needed to lose weight for health concerns, would I still have a place at Dims, for instance? Would I potentially lose some of the FA/FFA friends I've made because of that transition? We all have our own physical preferences, and I know they can be a very important defining factor (hence the existence of social sites like this, dedicated to those particular preferences) but I'd like to think that the relationships we make here go deeper than a layer of skin and fat. Personally, I've met some of the greatest, most interesting people in the short time I've been here at Dims, than just about anywhere else-I'm not even exaggerating-and I'd hate to lose any of that in the event I had to lose weight for whatever reason.
Interesting you bring this up...I was supposed to get together with someone I have met IRL many times at 500+....who is NOW 185....my phone was on silent and missed his calls sat pm ....My feelings are very mixed....we were FB in the past....but I do KNOW he has a GF now...(he had a wife then LOL)....but we are ABSOLUTELY STILL FRIENDS none the less......

another guy I have yet to meet IRL I was supposed to meet 4th of July...who has gone from 380 to 190...I am sorta glad we didn't meet ..his entire life is about SAVING OTHERS LIVES now...it seems very egotistical to me...and PREACHY....


as for BIG WHEEL.....you should be direct and ask wtf is UP? I understand not wanting to push away a visitor...but not at the sacrifice of your OWN FEELINGS...which are VALID!!!
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Old 07-08-2013, 06:22 PM   #7
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Since she has flat out said that she doesn't think you should be hanging out anymore because she's gaining and you're losing, it's probably a good idea to give her some space to work through whatever's going on in her head. Whatever problem she has with the status quo of the friendship, it's all on her, so trying to talk it over with her might do more harm than good.

I had a very similar experience myself with a few friends when my husband and I made lifestyle changes for health reasons, and when it was all said and done, I lost a couple of the friendships, but managed to preserve the third. Food and eating were very big parts of those friendships. If we were not enjoying meals together, we were snacking while doing other things together. And the meals and snacks always involved large quantities of certain kinds of foods. When my husband and I started to eat differently, it caused strain among these friends. One of them admitted that he no longer felt comfortable eating with us, the other two didn't say so but it was obvious that things were not as comfortable between us during meals or snacks.

One thing I tried to do, was find things to do with these friends that did not revolve around food to avoid the loaded topic. I'd plan social time and activities together outside of mealtimes, and not lasting long enough that snacks would be a must-do. It worked fine with one of those friends, but the others weren't really interested in non-food related socializing and those friendships fizzled out.

I'd say to just keep some snacks for her, but only if it's not going to sabotage your efforts to do healthful things for yourself. If having the kinds of things she likes to snack on is too much of a temptation for you, then it's not worth it. Are there things you can do together that don't involve food, or does she just consider you an "eating buddy"? If it's the latter, then the friendship isn't going to survive a major change in lifestyle.

From experience, whether or not you can keep her friendship going, will depend on whether she can make the transition from seeing you as an eating buddy to finding other common ground. If not, then there's no point and you'll start to really resent each other and the friendship will end on a much uglier note than it needs to.

Tracy
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Old 07-08-2013, 06:52 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Tad View Post
I'd say you should ask for more info, in as neutral a way as possible. I mean, there are all sorts of possibilities, such as:
- she just feels guilty when she is around you now, either because it makes her feel bad about gaining, or she worries that she's making it harder for you to lose, and doesn't like that feeling
- she saw your place as a safe (food) injection site, and you've lost that status.
- she'd felt a sort of kindred spirit thing--you were also fat and apparently ok with fat stuff--and that has been lost now.
- she'd been hoping that you'd start gaining too, and she had (platonic) mutual gaining fantasies that have been shattered.
- lots of other things that would probably never occur to me (or possibly almost anyone else)

Only way you'll know is if you ask, and if you do it in a non-judging sort of way maybe you'll even get a level answer.

Now, once you get an answer (or try) still totally up to you if you try to change her mind, or just let her go. Overall, does she make your life a brighter place? For that matter how do you feel about her gaining? (if you don't feel comfortable with it, maybe it is best to put more distance into things). It may be that your roads just happened to run parallel for a while, and that is done....or it could be that when you understand her better you'll actually find other things that connect the two of you.
I don't say this enough Tad, but your'e amazing.
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:27 PM   #9
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Call her bluff. Odds are she'll be back in a week or two.
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Old 08-01-2013, 10:14 AM   #10
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Well, I finally have an update...

The issues were varied & while I feel her points were off target, I have to respect the way she feels.

The biggest issue that came up was the fact that I was feeding her & unknown to me was the fact that she was broke early each month & had eaten all of her food, so I was he "secondary" eatery. So when I decided to cut the junk foods & other items out of my shopping list, she lost that source of food.

I tried to suggest some agencies that would give her food each month & that was the breaking point for her. She called me every name under the sun & requested I do some anatomically impossible things to myself.

So we close this chapter with, I have lost her grazing habits, but I see it now as more of a friendship of convenience & her being essentially called out on it directly made an unclear situation...well, clear.

So I guess I have an opening for a new friend (or 3). Let me know how you like your chicken done for dinner (& I'll throw together an awesome chef salad too).
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Old 08-01-2013, 06:09 PM   #11
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First, I want to say that I am truly impressed by some of the replies I just read in this thread. Very thoughtful and kind.....and I was feeling a bit guilty about my own immediate thought of that girl just using Big Wheels. Had me wondering- why am I so quick to judge and jaded?

Hate that I was right- but I suppose I have had too much real world experience with users and can now spot one 57 miles away

Makes me sad - to read that the OP was willing to change some things in his dwelling just to keep a friend yet she wasn't capable of understanding/seeing his kindness.

At least she was honest when you asked Big Wheels but You can do better.

I believe in Karma and think that your good attitude and kindness will come back to you
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Old 08-02-2013, 02:59 AM   #12
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Well, I finally have an update...

The issues were varied & while I feel her points were off target, I have to respect the way she feels.

The biggest issue that came up was the fact that I was feeding her & unknown to me was the fact that she was broke early each month & had eaten all of her food, so I was he "secondary" eatery. So when I decided to cut the junk foods & other items out of my shopping list, she lost that source of food.

I tried to suggest some agencies that would give her food each month & that was the breaking point for her. She called me every name under the sun & requested I do some anatomically impossible things to myself.

So we close this chapter with, I have lost her grazing habits, but I see it now as more of a friendship of convenience & her being essentially called out on it directly made an unclear situation...well, clear.

So I guess I have an opening for a new friend (or 3). Let me know how you like your chicken done for dinner (& I'll throw together an awesome chef salad too).
Are you trying to tempt me over with food, sir?
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