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Old 02-05-2014, 08:53 AM   #51
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Originally Posted by Saoirse View Post
Pressured or insecure? Sure, all the time. But to the point of feeling immobile or reluctant? Never.

Guess im just the odd one out.
I'm sure you are far from the only one, this sort of thing will depend a lot on both personality and social setting. If approval from others is important to you, if you are uncomfortable in rocking the boat or breaking social conventions, if you have a lot to lose from seeming different, if your self-image casts you in a certain way and it is hard to shatter that, if you are already feeling under attack and don't want to be any more vulnerable ....those can all make it harder to follow your bliss (amongst other things).

Or to bring it up again: Miller's Law (from communication theory):

Quote:
To understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of.
Just saying "that is BS" obviously won't help you understand where they are coming from. Now, you may not care where they are coming from, but if you pretty much announce that you don't care about their experiences, feelings, or thoughts on the topic, don't be surprised when they respond in a less than gracious manner to your virtual raised middle finger.

======================================

I think this may be part of why a lot of people have commented that they find a high over-lap between groups into nerd culture and size acceptance. If you are part of one somewhat marginalized group already, admitting to another less-socially-approved preference has only a marginal social cost.

Of course, I'd rather that there be no stigma about being fat, or being involved with someone who was. I'd much rather focus on how we get there, than argue about who has it harder.
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Old 02-08-2014, 12:28 AM   #52
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Man, I wish the system would let me rep this.
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Old 02-08-2014, 09:48 PM   #53
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Difficulty coming out runs inverse to the person's confidence in their own sexuality, no matter female or male.
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Old 02-09-2014, 03:41 PM   #54
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Great point Ellie. The fact the question is being asked is troubling, in and of itself. Everyone is worthy of love.
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Old 02-16-2014, 12:49 AM   #55
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I really don't see why there is a need to come out. The preference is what it is, and the hell with anybody who has a problem with it!




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Old 02-19-2014, 11:34 PM   #56
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I have to agree with some of the other posters, as someone who loves big fat men, (shit, fat in general, men or women ) saying you prefer/like big/fat men, is I believe way more accepted then a man saying he prefers/likes big/fat women. It sucks, but it it's our fucked up society. IMHO.
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:28 AM   #57
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I agree with some of the things said here, I definitely think being a FFA is much easier to accept, because like someone said, it's more widely accepted for a male to be bigger than the female. I've known plenty of people, even someone that has told their significant other about their preference for bigger women, and the SO didn't really accept it well. I've known other guys to like bigger women and date them when I was in high school and others immaturely called him a chubby chaser, but yet when females date bigger guys it's no problem. It's kinda weird, and with my personal preference of liking bigger guys, I definitely just think it's easier to "be" a FFA.
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Old 02-21-2014, 03:12 PM   #58
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I’ve been thinking about this thread, and one thing that I’ve been speculating about is whether attitudes toward big guys may vary more by socio/cultural/economic group than do attitudes towards big women.

That is, at least in North American, it seems to me that there are very few groups that have much admiration for plus sized women—some may be friendlier than others to some degree of curviness or thickness, but it is pretty limited how many will say that the same woman is better looking if her stomach is soft enough to have some jiggle to it. On the other hand there seem to be more where ‘a big guy’ can still almost be a compliment, presuming that he seems sufficiently manly overall (and in particular if he is tall)—but there are certainly ones that are pretty hostile to big guys, too.

Just by way of examples that I’ve seen:
- I remember being a party in Toronto, probably a decade ago, and all any of the guys there talked about for three hours, so far as I could tell, was real estate and their work out regimes/latest athletic challenge undertaken. I was probably 205 pounds at the time, and was by far the fattest guy there. Clearly in that micro-culture a clear commitment to fairly extreme levels of fitness and thinness was seen as a virtue, and it felt like it was almost table stakes for belonging to that group.
- One company that I worked at, it must have been 20 years ago now, got a new president who was short (maybe 5'6") and fairly fat. From the day he was introduced, it was clear that he did not have the respect of the employees, even before he had done a thing for good or ill. He was instantly nick-named "The Penguin" and his every pronouncement mocked. I think he had an impressive resume before he took on that role, but he had no chance in the turn-around role that he'd been hired for, because the employees were never going to follow him.
- On the other hand, my father-in-law was a fairly husky guy, an eastern European immigrant who worked in an auto-parts plant for twenty-five years, and I remember him casually using ‘skinny’ as a dismissive term to help indicate how useless some of the management at the factory were. Clearly in his world, skinny guys weren’t real men.

So it seems to me that being an FFA may be a more variable experience, depending on the details of the micro-cultures to which you belong. One thing that may make being an FFA somewhat easier is if you are willing to change—to the extent that you can—your micro-cultures. If you grow up in a WASPier than thou part of urban Toronto where thinness is the next best thing to wealthiness, you may be in for a rough ride. But if you make new friends who are more part of nerd culture, and later settle down with your BHM in suburban Brampton--where you are more apt to be judged by how neat you keep your lawn and whether you’ll take your turn driving the car pool of kids heading to Saturday morning hockey practice—maybe you would not face nearly so much difficulty in being an FFA.

What do you think? Am I making castles in the air here, or does this line up with what you’ve experienced?
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Last edited by Tad; 02-21-2014 at 03:15 PM. Reason: added another example
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Old 03-07-2014, 11:29 PM   #59
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I'll be honest, I don't really get how there even is a closet for this sort of thing. Why do you need to "come out" as a FA/FFA? Do people "come out" about having a preference for different races/hair colours? Just date the people you want to date. IMO there's only a closet if you've built it yourself. And I agree that being a F(F)A has no comparison to being gay.
i suppose you could say i "came out" - because my roommates/friends were trying to set me up with guys they knew. they were perfectly nice, but i wasn't attracted to them, so finally i had to be like 'these guys aren't my type, plz bring a chubby guy next time we go out'.

yes my friends make fun of me for liking fat guys, but it's not mean-spirited; we tease each other about everything.
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Old 03-08-2014, 01:20 AM   #60
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^^ and i do agree with you that what we might deal with as (F)FAs is not at all comparable to LGBT issues. and that generally there's no need for a 'coming out' about what you're attracted to (unless your well-meaning friends are trying to foist skinny guys on you because they don't know any better )
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Old 03-17-2014, 09:01 AM   #61
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My main beef with the the "in the closet" terminology is that the closet for gays is way more serious than it is for us fat admirers. Gays stay in the closet for fear of their lives. Gays are murdered for being gay, fired for being gay and lose family relationships for being gay. Can any of us fat admirers really say the same has happened to us? Whenever i hear about a FA in the closet, I think of some coward afraid to have fat jokes thrown at him. I never came out of any closet. People knew I liked fat girls when they saw me date fat girls. Simple as that.
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Old 03-17-2014, 12:37 PM   #62
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My main beef with the the "in the closet" terminology is that the closet for gays is way more serious than it is for us fat admirers. Gays stay in the closet for fear of their lives. Gays are murdered for being gay, fired for being gay and lose family relationships for being gay. Can any of us fat admirers really say the same has happened to us? Whenever i hear about a FA in the closet, I think of some coward afraid to have fat jokes thrown at him. I never came out of any closet. People knew I liked fat girls when they saw me date fat girls. Simple as that.
Yes, many of FFA/FA's do not receive the same hatred as the gay community has, I agree. But that does not mean that people of this community do not have any reason to fear "coming out." It's a secret about sexuality and that is a touchy subject for many people. Some of us from more conservative backgrounds or just happen to be shy, struggle with the decision to tell our loved ones. It isn't that simple for everyone. Words hurt and I know that if I told a friend and they made fun of me for my preferences I would be mortified. That's just how I am.

This is a preference that is not mainstream and I would go as far as to say that it is the opposite of what society wants us to be attracted to. I've been lucky with the two people I told (boyfriend and roommate), they have accepted me and actually were very curious to hear about my preferences. Many are not so lucky and get the "are you serious?! How can that be hot?!" responses. That is hard to hear and you need a tough skin to not let that hurt in some way.

I just don't want us to judge each other on this site. This is a site for exploring, acceptance, and inspiration.

Rant over.
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Old 03-17-2014, 11:17 PM   #63
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I didn't mean to come off judgmental. Sorry you took it that way. I just wanted to point out that "coming out" doesn't have to be so serious or hard to do.
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Old 03-18-2014, 10:22 AM   #64
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Yes, many of FFA/FA's do not receive the same hatred as the gay community has, I agree. But that does not mean that people of this community do not have any reason to fear "coming out." It's a secret about sexuality and that is a touchy subject for many people. Some of us from more conservative backgrounds or just happen to be shy, struggle with the decision to tell our loved ones. It isn't that simple for everyone. Words hurt and I know that if I told a friend and they made fun of me for my preferences I would be mortified. That's just how I am.

This is a preference that is not mainstream and I would go as far as to say that it is the opposite of what society wants us to be attracted to. I've been lucky with the two people I told (boyfriend and roommate), they have accepted me and actually were very curious to hear about my preferences. Many are not so lucky and get the "are you serious?! How can that be hot?!" responses. That is hard to hear and you need a tough skin to not let that hurt in some way.

I just don't want us to judge each other on this site. This is a site for exploring, acceptance, and inspiration.

Rant over.
Definitely agree!!

And Judge_Dre, I agreed with you also. Even though it seems like FAs are just cowards afraid of fat jokes, they're more than that, and that was a little harsh. I mean really people are pretty harsh when it comes to what OTHER people like, whether it be liking fat girls or boys liking boys but don't need to be harsh about it. Though you are right, people knew you liked fat girls because they saw you dating fat girls! I don't know why it can't be as simple as that for some people, or for other people to just see it and accept it. But we can wish! People can just be so worried about others lives, instead of just living their own.
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Old 03-18-2014, 12:08 PM   #65
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Thank you This is appreciated more than you know. I will keep trying. My situation (as ever) is complicated, but today has sucked...Hours of chatting to this guy and sharing all sorts about our lives (after suddenly getting closer having known each other for years) and since that conversation he now seems to be making excuses not to talk, only being professional and talking about work. I can only hope there is some work-stress thing going on and we will be back on track as friends at least tomorrow.

WE ARE REAL!!! If only you big guys knew what it is like! I sit there at work unable to take my eyes off my friend, wishing his gorgeous chubby hands were around my waist and I was 'allowed' to touch his belly....

All I can say...Is just pay attention and don't assume a girl is looking cos she disapproves. I think we just worry that if a guy has had a lot of negative attention / is self-conscious, it may come over as insincere if we go on about liking his appearance / drawing attention to his size. Sigh.....When really our imaginations are running wild!! Thank goodness for this place!
I say you pull him in a closet and kiss him.. he won't mistake that.

All joking aside, it can be a tough thing. Hang in there.
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