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Old 01-17-2015, 07:30 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Marlayna View Post
When I was single and going out "man-hunting", I'd dress to the nines; sexy clothes, high heels, and an hour getting my hair and make-up just right.
Now that I'm a married woman, I rarely put that much time and effort into my "presentation"... I guess I pulled a bait & switch on him.
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Old 01-18-2015, 10:28 AM   #27
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I agree that numbers are a big part of it; when you try to incorporate personal preferences, both physical and mental, it seems as if you're looking at an impractically constricted pool.

I'm currently in a relationship; my dating life has actually been, comparatively, very active...except that wouldn't be the case if I hadn't also dated non-BHMs. At times I've definitely wished I had a wider range of attraction.
So how'd you manage to get an active dating life then? It sounds like you're essentially in the same boat as me. I'm asking in genuine curiosity because I'm not sure what to do really.

Lately I've hit on so many BHM guys in bars and it never goes anywhere. They rarely even give me their numbers. Someone needs to develop some type of Pick Up Artist advice directed at women because no one ever seems to consider the problem of women who have no game at all. I'm nice and I give specific compliments not generic ones. I don't get what these guys issue is. I don't think it's insecurity like you all on here assume. There's a lot of diversity within the BHM population. They're not all skittish insecure people most of them are absurdly picky and I have no idea what they're looking for.
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Old 01-18-2015, 01:15 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by Marlayna View Post

...

For some reason, people treat you better when they see you care.
When I was single and going out "man-hunting", I'd dress to the nines; sexy clothes, high heels, and an hour getting my hair and make-up just right.

...
This only works on some men. I made a conscious effort to avoid women who couldn't get ready in 15 minutes or less or who spent an inordinate amount of money on clothes.
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Old 01-18-2015, 04:24 PM   #29
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This only works on some men. I made a conscious effort to avoid women who couldn't get ready in 15 minutes or less or who spent an inordinate amount of money on clothes.
I don't blame you, waiting on a primper is annoying. Men who primp are especially bad, imo.
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Old 01-19-2015, 04:01 AM   #30
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I have two thoughts about this, though...first of all, 'comfort' is as much about what we're used to as something intrinsic to a piece of clothing or style of self-presentation. Often people describe dressing down as 'comfortable' for this reason, rather than because there is something physically uncomfortable about wearing more polished clothes (although I'll admit this isn't true of high heels, say). But 'comfortable' becomes a less convincing rationale (to the extent that a rationale is needed) when it's just rooted in the fact that I feel weird when I dress in a stylin' way, because I'm not used to it. Lots of things feel weird when we're not used to them, but it doesn't follow that we're better off avoiding them because of that.
Whilst I do understand what you are saying I don't think you fully understand how uncomfortable certain clothes can be for other people, especially BBW. For a start, I was talking about physical comfort rather than psychological comfort, though I admit I didn't make that clear.

For me personally, any type of trousers with a button at the front are physically painful. So I don't wear jeans and haven't in years. Same with a belt. I don't know how big you are so I don't know if this is something you would be familiar with, but when you have a belly and you sit down, your belly will spill over the belt/button and it will dig painfully into the underside of your stomach. I have had bruises from buttons when I sit down like that, even if the waistband is loose standing up. I also don't and wont wear trousers/skirts that don't have an elastic waistband (again, when you sit down the material is pulled backwards to accommodate your rear and so cuts your stomach in half) or that fasten around the waist rather than the hips, as my stomach is extremely sensitive and any kind of pressure there is physically painful to me.

I also don't wear bras all the time as the sides of them cause me bruising and sores. And I've not been able to wear a button up blouse of any kind since I was a teenager as my size 20 chest and size 14 waist make shirts either expose my breasts or look like some sort of tent. As for shoes, I have inflamed tendons in my feet and need the added support that trainers give.

For the record, I wear dresses, skirts, boots etc quite regularly. But I don't think that a lot of people understand that when they expect somebody who is bigger to be 'fashionable' or wear a certain type of clothing, they are often asking them to wear something that is physically painful for them. And I don't think it is fair to judge somebody negatively because they don't want to be in pain. And comfortable clothes can be 'stylish', as you put it. I like to think I have a very keen aesthetic taste. But you wont see me in smart trousers and a blouse because those are painful or impractical for me.

Not that I am saying you are wrong to have a preference, not at all. You keep on looking after those stylish ladies, I'm sure they are very beautiful!
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Old 01-20-2015, 09:57 AM   #31
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I apologize this is so long! My thoughts were fluid and I noticed not the length whilst I typed. But I feel like I should interject somewhat on the fashion front with some background knowledge. I myself am larger than "average woman" and have always struggled to find cute clothes as well. I was always disgruntled at the fashion industry for not providing more options and all the other points y'all made so I honestly know the struggle and frustration. But then I got a job IN the fashion industry.
I was the assistant to a fashion designer for two years. And even one who started specializing in clothes for big breasted women. Then I found out the truth and what they said turned out to be legitimate. When you make a bigger size of a style, you are not simply "using a little more fabric". Quite the contrary. Aside from it being a much more significant fabric usage due to the yards of fabric needed to lay the size appropriate markers down and scrap error, in order to make a garment of any size, it goes to a sample maker, a pattern maker, a marker THEN contractors (the cutters and sewers and dyers and whatnot). The problem starts with the patterns and markers. When you enlarge a size, you are not simply adding an inch around each side or anything like that. You are redesigning it. You have to take into account many things, like belly size will make the shirt rise and shorter or the pants higher, arm placements and shapes will be different, necklines different., etc. Bigger bodies aren't made like skinny bodies but with just a few inches symmetrically bigger. Larger bodies are a whole different ball game and shape (a beautiful and delicious ball game but different nonetheless).


And that's where all those terribly fitted plus sizes clothes come from that we complain about. From companies trying to put out those sizes while being able to afford it. Because in order to be able to afford production, companies WILL try to cut corners and just add those inches here and there without reformulating the patterns and markers. And what do you get? Clothes that do.not.fit right to a real body.


There are a lot of designers out there with integrity for quality of work and would LIKE to, in a perfect world, be able to mass produce every size. Of course. Profit and more people wearing your clothes. But it is not always possible with the costs of production. Period. People go bankrupt trying. So instead of putting out terribly fitted clothes, they won't make plus size. Huge companies with the dough could afford to, but with them, it's not so much about money (even though it still is) but about target demographics and company goals.


And the whole thing with Old Navy's men's plus being same price? Men's clothing is different in that men don't generally care how good their butt looks in those pants (aka, allowing for more tolerance of ill-fitting garments that cut those corners) or quality of production and material.



It sucks. It does. But it's not the designers being haters. The majority of designers are broke as a joke. You wouldn't BELIEVE the costs of designing and producing. It's ludicrous. They have so many things they would love to do but simply cannot. I've been on both sides and it ain't pretty from either unfortunately. I just wanted to share my experience and knowledge


As far as dating? I agree with all the points made. Mostly about lack of confidence from both admirer and the big and beautiful. Our culture makes us feel ashamed. It really does. It's tough. I've dated non-FA people . Some who tried to change me and some who seemed to try and accept me but then I could sense awkwardness in situations where my size came up. Like when they'd introduce me to certain people or when certain situations came up like swimming, they seemed uncomfortable, even upset. One FA who left me for a bigger girl (Boy is that a weird experience to be told by the world you are too big but then told from someone you like that you just aren't big enough.) and I dated one bbw who all she could talk about was how disgusting she felt and looked even though I told her she wasn't. She would always ask what was wrong with me or what my ulterior motive was. It was a daily and weary thing. I guess everyone would say dating can suck but I can't help but feel FA and BBP have extra complications than the average bear.
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Old 01-20-2015, 08:20 PM   #32
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So how'd you manage to get an active dating life then? It sounds like you're essentially in the same boat as me. I'm asking in genuine curiosity because I'm not sure what to do really.
Like I said, I wouldn't have dated nearly as many people (most likely) if I hadn't also dated some average sized/non-BHM men. In a, "I realize this probably won't work but I like you so much as a person!" kind of way. Or, for the more casual dates, an "eh, why not?" kind of way.

I can't say I've ever tried hitting on anyone in bars. You might want to try the internet; both more traditional dating sites like OkCupid, and then sites that would specifically attract BHM. It's a little easier to structure your approach through text. You could also try hitting up non-bar venues, depending on the personality type you tend to enjoy. I've often gone for nerdier guys and, well, not to make too much of an assumption, but I'd be surprised if you went to a local board-game shop DnD/tabletop game session and DIDN'T find a BHM.
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Old 01-21-2015, 06:22 AM   #33
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Along with self esteem, you need to factor in the fact that fat women are told they cannot wear the same fashionable things as thinner women, and that their choices are much more limited because fewer stores sell fashionable clothing in plus sizes. And some of the places that sell plus sizes just sell larger versions of smaller clothes, instead of designing things meant to fit and flatter larger bodies. Even if they want to dress well, it's harder than it would be for a thinner woman.


Case in point. I ordered a 7X gown for my nieces wedding. We had already ordered one that wasn't the right fit and color and it was down to the wire, so I ended up with a gown that the arms were WAYYY to tight and short and was about 2 feet too long. I am 5'7 so I assume they thought someone 7x would be 7 foot tall? It's hard to find pretty clothes that fit right. I need to find a tailor.
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Old 01-21-2015, 07:20 PM   #34
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a thread about FA frustrations is....now a thread about clothing, how wonderful...

ANYWAYS, yea it's extremely frustrating.
I not only like larger woman, I'm also a feeder.
As a result of this, my dating pool is very limited as it happens to be a rather rare fetish which if I don't express in a relationship it is sure to end up eventually sabotaging the relationship or making me miserable.

It's a particularly difficult thing to deal with but for now I'm not in the financial place to even deal with THAT frustration so it's kinda on the back burner.
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Old 01-22-2015, 05:21 AM   #35
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I not only like larger woman, I'm also a feeder.ner.
Take it from my experience: it is infinitely better to be in a relationship with much smaller feedee than a relationship with a non-feedist fat woman.
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Old 01-22-2015, 12:52 PM   #36
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a thread about FA frustrations is....now a thread about clothing, how wonderful...

ANYWAYS, yea it's extremely frustrating.
I not only like larger woman, I'm also a feeder.
As a result of this, my dating pool is very limited as it happens to be a rather rare fetish which if I don't express in a relationship it is sure to end up eventually sabotaging the relationship or making me miserable.

It's a particularly difficult thing to deal with but for now I'm not in the financial place to even deal with THAT frustration so it's kinda on the back burner.
Well, one of the frustrations was why fat people dress so sloppily. It wasn't out of the blue. I am not sure why there is a need for being an ass about it, because it wasn't a topic you're interested in.
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Old 01-22-2015, 03:43 PM   #37
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So how'd you manage to get an active dating life then? It sounds like you're essentially in the same boat as me. I'm asking in genuine curiosity because I'm not sure what to do really.

Lately I've hit on so many BHM guys in bars and it never goes anywhere. They rarely even give me their numbers. Someone needs to develop some type of Pick Up Artist advice directed at women because no one ever seems to consider the problem of women who have no game at all. I'm nice and I give specific compliments not generic ones. I don't get what these guys issue is. I don't think it's insecurity like you all on here assume. There's a lot of diversity within the BHM population. They're not all skittish insecure people most of them are absurdly picky and I have no idea what they're looking for.
Advice, to women on how to pull men in bars, it's not so much about what you say, as what you do. Talk is cheap! Deeds, not just words! :

To start off, "when first making contact": If the man in question has learned to "read" people, and he is on the look-out, if you catch his eye and you find each other desirable, then it's all about "the look*".

What is "the look*"? It's hard to describe in words, but when women look at you like this, locking eye contact for a few heartbeats - it's like a lightning strike. It's a blazing and inviting look, at once lustful and tender, completely unembarrassed.

So, you can learn how to give that look^^

And/or it sounds like you have already reached the point where you are conversing with the guys you are interested in?
While you are talking, make lots of eye contact, initiate (initially non-sexy bits, obviously) touching - e.g. put your hand on their forearm as you talk. In a crowded bar you have the advantage of "Oops, I appear to be all pressed up against you, oh gosh"
Try to read their response, including body language etc.

(N.B.: If you're someone who has a tendency to ask new acquaintances lots of personal questions when you first meet - dial that way down! No-one like to feel "interrogated" and it's easy to make someone feel suspicious if you hit them with a barrage of questions.)

If you are out with all your girlfriends and you have been laughing it up together before you went to hit on the BHM you're interested in, he may suspect you are hitting on him as a joke / prank. To which end - look for tension especially in the shoulders (are his shoulders "shrugged up" tightly around his neck? Almost everyone does this when tense). You can be blatant and say "Oh, you look tense - can I give you a shoulder massage?" because, hey everyone loves a good shoulder / neck / back rub That can actually apply as an ice-breaker, even if he is not particularly tense. Is good excuse for sensual, intimate (but not necessarily sexy, altho' it can be) touching.

And once you are in one-on-one conversation, look for "the moment" when it's time for a kiss - you'll be talking face-to-face, close to one another and making eye contact, both with open facial expression. At some point there will be a natural "beat" or pause in the conversation, best of all just after you have both laughed together - lock eye contact again, and if eye contact is returned, don't say anything else, but lean in for the kiss. If there is some making out, great! Do not leave without saying something like "I really like you, and I'd like to see you again - give me your number so we can get together soon ".

Hope that helps some. Best of luck!

(*Fair comment this is entirely based on my own experience, in the past, before people spent all their time looking at their mobile phones when they were out in pubs Happy days. Including a few occasions when "the look" was so strong the whole conversation thing got skipped. No convo before kissing is a good way to meet crazy peeps tho' )
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Old 01-22-2015, 03:58 PM   #38
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To address the OP:

Let me put it this way: my current love-life is like the graviton - entirely hypothetical

Echoing what a few others have said, who I find desirable (FA) and what revs my engine (bit of a feeder ) really narrow down my potential dating pool, given current widespread attitudes. Add to that my being a bit of a weirdo, who has no real interest or desire for most of the normal things most people want and consider to be the basic default life-script (car, mortgage, marriage etc.). And I'm real poor, atm. Also, have been a bit of a nocturnal hermit for the last year or two. And I'm kinda pre-occupied with working on my magnum opus....

"We are detecting systemic incompatibility issues, captain!"

So, I've just not really bothered dating lately. This doesn't really bother me, on account of having been in love with and loved back by some very lovely lasses in my past, so I don't have a sense of having missed out or anything. Maybe I'll get back into dating in the future, I don't know. It's all good, I got stuff to take care of.
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Old 01-22-2015, 04:14 PM   #39
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Default 2^Yeah, that's weird. I don't know where he's coming from with that:

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"... It wasn't out of the blue...."
It wasn't at all, not in the least. I mean, it spoke directly; and fairly-well, I think; to something people were already talking about.

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Originally Posted by joswitch View Post
"...Talk is cheap! Deeds, not just words! :

To start off, "when first making contact": If the man in question has learned to "read" people, and he is on the look-out, if you catch his eye and you find each other desirable, then it's all about "the look*"....So, you can learn how to give that look..
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Old 01-22-2015, 10:37 PM   #40
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Every preference has its nuances. I don't think it makes my dating life frustrating per se, but it's a component of the many things that make romance the beautiful struggle that it is.
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Old 01-23-2015, 10:38 AM   #41
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It wasn't at all, not in the least. I mean, it spoke directly; and fairly-well, I think; to something people were already talking about.


Thanks. It's one my frustrations as a fat woman and as an FA. My boyfriend is 6'4 and 350 lbs and it's really hard for him to find shirts that don't leave his gut hanging out, because he's all torso. I think it's cute, but other people are going to judge you when you look sloppy.
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Old 01-23-2015, 03:23 PM   #42
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I'm frankly sick of hearing the FA whine about how hard it is to get women. It isn't hard at all. BBW/SSBBW are fundamentally no different than their thinner sisters. You treat them with respect, you get respect in return. She's not a vehicle for fat, she's a woman with opinions, emotions, value, and you should treat her as the fellow human being she is. If you're having trouble getting up the courage to ask a woman out, stay away from women until you grow some balls.
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Old 01-23-2015, 06:12 PM   #43
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I'm frankly sick of hearing the FA whine about how hard it is to get women. It isn't hard at all. BBW/SSBBW are fundamentally no different than their thinner sisters. You treat them with respect, you get respect in return. She's not a vehicle for fat, she's a woman with opinions, emotions, value, and you should treat her as the fellow human being she is. If you're having trouble getting up the courage to ask a woman out, stay away from women until you grow some balls.
Y U NO READ THREAD BEFORE POST?

Much irrelevant. Such non sequitur.
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Old 01-23-2015, 09:17 PM   #44
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What up girl, you wanna get ice cream done time?
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Old 01-24-2015, 11:30 AM   #45
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So how'd you manage to get an active dating life then? It sounds like you're essentially in the same boat as me. I'm asking in genuine curiosity because I'm not sure what to do really.

Lately I've hit on so many BHM guys in bars and it never goes anywhere. They rarely even give me their numbers. Someone needs to develop some type of Pick Up Artist advice directed at women because no one ever seems to consider the problem of women who have no game at all. I'm nice and I give specific compliments not generic ones. I don't get what these guys issue is. I don't think it's insecurity like you all on here assume. There's a lot of diversity within the BHM population. They're not all skittish insecure people most of them are absurdly picky and I have no idea what they're looking for.
Fat guys are no more a monolith than women are. They aren't all looking for the same thing. You have to get to know each one you talk to individually to find that out. You just talk to them like you would talk to anyone and if you have a rapport, then ask if they want to go out some time. They will either say yes or now. Doesn't seem that hard to me.
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Old 01-24-2015, 01:54 PM   #46
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Fat guys are no more a monolith than women are. They aren't all looking for the same thing. You have to get to know each one you talk to individually to find that out. You just talk to them like you would talk to anyone and if you have a rapport, then ask if they want to go out some time. They will either say yes or now. Doesn't seem that hard to me.

The vibe I got from Mago's post is that she is waiting for the guy to offer his number? rather than doing the asking herself...
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Old 01-31-2015, 07:51 PM   #47
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I always thought of it as a waste looking for BBWs in bars.There usually aren’t any there, or they are with a guy.And after my hopes at the bar are shot, usually some really thin girl will start flirting with me.

I always feel like I see to many thin girls. I do think if I preferred thin or thinner than bbw girls, I would have more options of who to date. But I don’t think it will slow down my future dating.

It’s funny that normally, it seemed like I was invisible to BBWs with one exception.If I was with a BBW, other BBWs seemed to actually stare at me.I always wondered if their FA-dar was kicking in.

I am going through a divorce right now, so I haven’t dated in a long time.When I do start dating again.I plan to go grocery shopping a lot, because I see a lot of BBWs at the store. Not everyone goes to the bar, but everyone needs to eat.
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Old 02-01-2015, 09:49 AM   #48
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The vibe I got from Mago's post is that she is waiting for the guy to offer his number? rather than doing the asking herself...
No you misinterpreted. I'm not waiting on guys to give me their numbers. I'm approaching guys and they're rejecting me consistently. Hence the problem.

A few stories to further illustrate the struggle:
There was the guy whose roommate I used to be friends with. I asked him if he wanted to hang out over the weekend more then once he kept saying no so I backed off.

There was a guy at a bar who I approached. He bought me a drink we talked for like five minutes then he walked a way as soon as his people wanted him to so I couldn't even ask for his number.

There was one at a bar who I talked to til the place closed, he gave me his number and his facebook. I thought it was super promising til the next day I see on his facebook that he's engaged. So he basically led me on for no reason.

There are two hot BHM's at my work one is gay the other is married.

I'm taking a class right now where there's one I'm very attracted to but he's Christian and Republican which I just can't do.
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Old 02-01-2015, 10:41 AM   #49
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[FONT=Calibri]I always thought of it as a waste looking for BBWs in bars.[SIZE=3]There usually aren’t any there, or they are with a guy. ...
Its been my experience that the number BBWs in bars and clubs varies quite a bit with geography. In New York City (Manhattan) I seldom encountered BBWs in bars. However in places out west where I've lived (Seattle, Portland, Edmonton) I often encountered BBWs at bars and clubs.
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Old 02-02-2015, 05:33 PM   #50
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Ok I exaggerated.There are usually a few. I do feel I see more BBWs when I go to Target, Walmart, or any grocery store.Though I should admit, because I was married, I rarely went out to the bars, but was still going to stores.
I do already have a married BBW friend who is volunteering her “wing-man” services for me. So I haven’t completely written off going to bars.Which is great because I really want to test my theory, that being seen with a BBW, reveals if another BBW is interested (by the BBW staring or checking me out).I have written about this in a few of the forums here.But no one said if they noticed this happening to them as well.I told my “wing-man” my theory and she said she thinks there is truth to it.
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