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Old 02-11-2015, 07:19 PM   #1
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Default Trying to explore my bisexuality...

I'm not really sure where the right part of the forum to put this is.

I'm a gainer (stopped for a while but then came back to it last year), I'm about 245 pounds, 5'7", and I'm going for around 300-320.

I've identified as gay most of my life. I also spent most of my life being completely emasculated. I never even allowed myself to look at women because I had been taught in church in my youth that it was a horrible sin to have the desire to look at women naked, and in my later years that it was degrading to women to look at them sexually and that it would somehow make me a bad person. So I just suppressed my attractions. Yeah, that sounds nuts, but I had kind-of a messed up upbringing.

The past couple years that has changed, but with the exception of putting out some ads on CraigsList that turned out disastrous just in the responses, I haven't really made much of an attempt at trying to find/date women. My ads on CraigsList were such a disaster, I had people responding with lots of insults, either that or spam.

I've pretty much not had much problem finding guys (bears generally) that have been into me, including how I love being a musky guy---I don't do deodorant and I don't do anything at all with my pits, and I love it that way. But the idea of trying to look into the possibility of women being into me without my having to tone down some things has just been completely foreboding.

I seem to represent pretty much the opposite of what most women would have any interest in at all. I'm pretty trashy. I don't believe in suits and ties, I don't believe in polo shirts, I dress like the equivalent of a bad stereotype of trailer trash--super-short cutoff jeans, shirts that ride up past my bellybutton, that's just how I like to present myself, I love being a freak, I enjoy the attention besides just liking the way it looks. Here's a video of about 18 pounds ago:

I started to give up. Last month I renounced my bisexuality, and then it came back to hurt me this month---I just can't do it, I can't live a lie. I like women (and I like guys too, obviously), but I haven't dared to do what is necessary. I've still never been with a woman my entire life. I usually just kept defaulting back to men because I assumed it was easier--and maybe it is.

Maybe someone here might be able to give me a little insight on this. Some perspective. Some ideas. Some input.

I don't want to change who I am to be with someone. I figure if someone likes me for me, it's all good. If they don't like me, they don't like me. I can't make someone like me, and if I try, I'm being fake. I refuse to be fake.

When I try to talk about this sort of thing with my gay friends, they usually tell me the same types of things that people tell young men who say they think they might be gay, "Oh, it's just a phase." or something like that. Or they'll say "Well, if you've mainly been attracted to guys, why bother with women, it's so much harder and they're more temperamental." and stuff like that. I get a lot of misogynistic responses from people, and I haven't really appreciated it.

Then there's all the internet extremist radfems who say such horrible things about men, as if my having attractions to women is degrading to women just by itself. That certainly doesn't help things.

So yeah, any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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Old 02-11-2015, 08:05 PM   #2
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Well I'm going to go with posting ads on Craigslist was your first mistake. Craigslist is pretty much the bottom of the barrel for trying to find a romantic/sexual partner.
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Old 02-11-2015, 08:21 PM   #3
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I know several people who are bisexual. Their "ideals" of eaxh sex usually vary quite a bit - they might like a submissive, lithe man, but prefer a dominant, meaty woman or vise versa.

My suggestion is dont focus on the man vs female aspect so much as what you like in a specific partner. You (generally) will end up settling down with only one sex, so the bisexuality bit is only a real conundram while you are dating.
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Old 02-12-2015, 06:15 AM   #4
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To be very blunt - you're not looking for a relationship, you're looking for sex.

If you're so obsessed with defining yourself via such irrelevant aspects as clothing and deodorant use, you're not ready to become seriously emotionally involved on the level of a mature adult relationship.

Important piece of information in this context: Women have on average a 50% higher odor sensitivity than men do. So being 'musky' will be a no-go issue for about 95 out of 100 women.

If you're serious in wanting to give it a try - go to a pro.

P.S.: In which church is it a horrible sin to look at a naked women, but okay to be gay???
Not to be misunderstood - I'm personally totally fine with both. From my knowledge churches only tend to be even more anti-gay than anti-hetero-nudity.
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Old 02-12-2015, 08:03 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fritzi View Post
To be very blunt - you're not looking for a relationship, you're looking for sex.

If you're so obsessed with defining yourself via such irrelevant aspects as clothing and deodorant use, you're not ready to become seriously emotionally involved on the level of a mature adult relationship.

Important piece of information in this context: Women have on average a 50% higher odor sensitivity than men do. So being 'musky' will be a no-go issue for about 95 out of 100 women.

If you're serious in wanting to give it a try - go to a pro.

P.S.: In which church is it a horrible sin to look at a naked women, but okay to be gay???
Not to be misunderstood - I'm personally totally fine with both. From my knowledge churches only tend to be even more anti-gay than anti-hetero-nudity.
I didn't know what gay was until I was 16. The churches I went to never mentioned homosexuality, and the church/Sunday school I went to when I was 8 I was molested and raped at for a year, so needless to say, I don't have the greatest opinion of religion.

I don't think it's right for the man to tell a woman how to dress, just as I don't think it's right for a woman to tell a man how to dress. If there's this thing where people think you have to look a certain way to look professional or "classy", it's more about someone trying to keep up appearances so they look like they make a lot of money. I have no interest in people who think in such manners. People should look how they want, people shouldn't try to dress to impress the other person, they should dress to impress themselves. If you wear it, it's a costume, there's no getting around that.

People should be comfortable with themselves. If someone thinks they're only half a person without someone else, that's a problem.

I'm not looking for a monogamous relationship, I'm looking for an open relationship. I personally think monogamy is silly and is the reason why most relationships and marriages fail. We are descendant from common ancestors to apes, and they're most certainly not monogamous. It is against our nature to be monogamous, it is almost purely a cultural thing.

Also, I'm hypersensitive to scents, I'm more like what most women are supposed to be like. I have hyperosmia. I'm particularly hypersensitive to artificial fragrances. I can walk through a parking lot and with their windows closed, I can tell you which cars are using the scented trees and which trees they are, I can walk down the street and tell you which houses are using glade plug-ins. I can smell someone's scented detergent and fabric softener on their clothing from almost 20 feet away. Part of why I'm musky is so those things don't bother me quite as much, besides the sexual element to it.

If women were really more sensitive to odors, so many women wouldn't use so many outrageously strong artificial scents and want a scented house and a scented car and want to use so much perfume or want guys to wear so much cologne or body spray. Scents are odors, and if people are sensitive to odors, it should include all odors, otherwise the supposed sensitivity is from upbringing and an attempt to be "pretty" in an attempt to impress men out of the patriarchal society we live in, not an actual sensitivity to odors.

Sorry, that was a bit long-winded.
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Old 02-12-2015, 08:07 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by lille View Post
Well I'm going to go with posting ads on Craigslist was your first mistake. Craigslist is pretty much the bottom of the barrel for trying to find a romantic/sexual partner.
True, but it's kind-of difficult to know where to meet people otherwise. With guys it's pretty easy, even on craigslist it's easy. The straight world is a much more brutal world.
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Old 02-12-2015, 08:07 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xyantha Reborn View Post
I know several people who are bisexual. Their "ideals" of eaxh sex usually vary quite a bit - they might like a submissive, lithe man, but prefer a dominant, meaty woman or vise versa.

My suggestion is dont focus on the man vs female aspect so much as what you like in a specific partner. You (generally) will end up settling down with only one sex, so the bisexuality bit is only a real conundram while you are dating.
Good advice.
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Old 02-12-2015, 02:04 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kizzume View Post
True, but it's kind-of difficult to know where to meet people otherwise. With guys it's pretty easy, even on craigslist it's easy. The straight world is a much more brutal world.
Women tend not to use craigslist because women have been killed by creepers from craigslist. There's plenty of ways to meet people. Go to a bar, a coffee shop, or take a class. If you prefer online there's match.com, okcupid, eharmony, and a bunch of other sites, those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Since you're looking for an open relationship you could try a more kink friendly site such a collarme or fetlife (which isn't dating site but is a way to meet people).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kizzume View Post
I didn't know what gay was until I was 16. The churches I went to never mentioned homosexuality, and the church/Sunday school I went to when I was 8 I was molested and raped at for a year, so needless to say, I don't have the greatest opinion of religion.

I don't think it's right for the man to tell a woman how to dress, just as I don't think it's right for a woman to tell a man how to dress. If there's this thing where people think you have to look a certain way to look professional or "classy", it's more about someone trying to keep up appearances so they look like they make a lot of money. I have no interest in people who think in such manners. People should look how they want, people shouldn't try to dress to impress the other person, they should dress to impress themselves. If you wear it, it's a costume, there's no getting around that.

People should be comfortable with themselves. If someone thinks they're only half a person without someone else, that's a problem.

I'm not looking for a monogamous relationship, I'm looking for an open relationship. I personally think monogamy is silly and is the reason why most relationships and marriages fail. We are descendant from common ancestors to apes, and they're most certainly not monogamous. It is against our nature to be monogamous, it is almost purely a cultural thing.
You can dress however you want, however dressing unconventionally may have an impact on your search for a partner. Whether you feel it's wrong or right, people do judge others by their looks, it's just how the world works. I'm not saying you need to change how you dress, but I am saying that you should be prepared for the fact that not everyone will be totally accepting.

As a side note, dressing professionally isn't about trying to look like you have money. I dress professionally so that I am taken seriously in my position at work, and as a way to show respect to my clients. I'm going to Guatemala next week and I will be dressing more conservatively than usual because that is the custom there. Could I wear whatever I want? Yes, however out of respect for the Maya people that I will be working with, I will wear clothing that does not violate their cultural standards of what is appropriate.

As for the open relationship, this may also impact your ability to find a partner. Some people are happy in a poly or open relationship and that's great. Other people are more comfortable with monogamy. In this country, monogamy is generally the norm so it may be a little bit trickier to find someone who wants an open relationship.

It is entirely likely that there is a woman out there who is exactly what you're looking for and for whom you would be the ideal partner as well, it just might take some time to find her. We all have traits and preferences that narrow the dating pool, it's just a matter of finding someone we're compatible with. Don't totally change yourself to find someone, but be aware that it may take time to find someone who appreciates you for you.
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Old 02-12-2015, 03:29 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lille View Post
Women tend not to use craigslist because women have been killed by creepers from craigslist. There's plenty of ways to meet people. Go to a bar, a coffee shop, or take a class. If you prefer online there's match.com, okcupid, eharmony, and a bunch of other sites, those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Since you're looking for an open relationship you could try a more kink friendly site such a collarme or fetlife (which isn't dating site but is a way to meet people).



You can dress however you want, however dressing unconventionally may have an impact on your search for a partner. Whether you feel it's wrong or right, people do judge others by their looks, it's just how the world works. I'm not saying you need to change how you dress, but I am saying that you should be prepared for the fact that not everyone will be totally accepting.

As a side note, dressing professionally isn't about trying to look like you have money. I dress professionally so that I am taken seriously in my position at work, and as a way to show respect to my clients. I'm going to Guatemala next week and I will be dressing more conservatively than usual because that is the custom there. Could I wear whatever I want? Yes, however out of respect for the Maya people that I will be working with, I will wear clothing that does not violate their cultural standards of what is appropriate.

As for the open relationship, this may also impact your ability to find a partner. Some people are happy in a poly or open relationship and that's great. Other people are more comfortable with monogamy. In this country, monogamy is generally the norm so it may be a little bit trickier to find someone who wants an open relationship.

It is entirely likely that there is a woman out there who is exactly what you're looking for and for whom you would be the ideal partner as well, it just might take some time to find her. We all have traits and preferences that narrow the dating pool, it's just a matter of finding someone we're compatible with. Don't totally change yourself to find someone, but be aware that it may take time to find someone who appreciates you for you.
Totally

I'm on FetLife, I just haven't done much with the account.

Thanks, big stinky hugs
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