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Old 03-09-2015, 01:14 PM   #1
shinydinosaur
 
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Default He's a Virgin

Hey everyone, I've been going out with my man for 4 months now and he hasn't made a move. I finally got up the courage to ask him if he just wasn't attracted to me but it turns out he is just nervous to because he's never had sex before. He's 27 and around 400 lbs so I'm wondering if this is a self confidence issue. I really like him and find him attractive. Does anyone have any advice for making his first time an enjoyable experience? Any would be much appreciated!
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Old 03-09-2015, 03:13 PM   #2
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I don’t know how old you two are, how much privacy you routinely have available, etc, and all of that can play a role. I can say that when I got into my first serious relationship I was 22, a virgin who had not been in a serious relationship, while she was not and had been in a couple (despite being three years younger than me). She took a lot of the initiative in moving the relationship along in the early stages.

I wasn’t particularly fat (I would have been in the low end of overweight by the medical charts), but had always been heavier than average, had glasses, had had bad acne all through my teens, was on the low end of average in height, was quite nerdy in my interests….in short there was nothing about me that, according to all I’d been taught by society, would particularly attract a woman to me. So while I believed that she was interested in me then and there, I had my doubts that her interest would last. My lack of initiative was a mix of things: not wanting to be the predatory male that we all are warned of, not wanting to take advantage of someone three years younger than me, not wanting to rush into the physical until I was sure that we had a true connection beyond the physical, not wanting to take things to that level just as she decided to move on… and probably a healthy dose of nerves about whether I’d be any good.

We did start some fairly intense levels of fooling around after a bit, but I did hold off actual sex for over four months (in the meantime buying a book on the topic and reading it through several times so that I’d have at least a theoretical understanding of things from her point of view—this was the pre-internet era so information was not as readily available). Even with having done all the foreplay sorts of things, I was pretty worried that I’d mess up the real thing and lose her. (In our case it turned out that she didn’t lose interest, we got married four years later, and celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary last year .)

So, that was my background. If I’d been very fat, no matter how much the woman seemed into me, I’m pretty sure I’d have been anxious about all of: when she saw me fully naked would she get turned off? Would I hurt her with my weight? Could I handle the mechanics and positions to be able to please her properly? With how much fat was in the vicinity of my privates, would it get in the way of doing things properly? And possibly (since this is reasonably common with heavier guys) would I be able to get it up and keep it up adequately? Plus, everyone knows women don’t really like fat guys, so no matter what she said, surely this wasn’t going to last and be true, so how pathetic would I look if I tried to put the moves on her and then she just laughed at me?

You are the one who is there, who knows him, who knows you, who knows what turns you on and turns you off, etc. I’m going to make some suggestions, but it is obviously without knowing anything about you other than that you want to have sex with your 400 pound boyfriend, so these could be totally wrong for you, but hopefully they give you something to think about.

Tell him what you want, in no uncertain terms. As in, if you want sex with him, I’d suggest telling him that, tell him how the thought of it makes you feel, follow up with kissing and ear nibbling, then possibly whisper in that ear that you really want him to take your shirt off, and if/once that happens tell him where you want to be stroked, kissed, squeezed, etc. Teach him that you know what you want, and if will trust you to know what you like, pleasing you is easy and pleasurable.

Admit to any of your own insecurities and worries, as that will both help balance out the experience and power situation and help make it easier for him to be open about his own concerns (“I want you to take my bra off, but first, I have to say, I hate how my nipples point downward. It’s weird, I know, but please don’t laugh!” or whatever, heck, even if it doesn’t bug you that much, give him something to let him know he isn’t the only one with any nerves).

Then I’d suggest setting a timetable toward sex. As in “I know this is all new to you, so let’s take our time, work our way there, but maybe by the end of the month? But I totally want mostly naked snuggles next weekend, and serious foreplay the week after.” Listen to any concerns he has, be willing to be flexible on the timelines, but have a plan that lets you two work your way there. That should let him gain confidence with his body and his ability to please you. And frankly it lets you learn his body too.

If he is worried about hurting you with his weight, then go with you on top at first—sure it keeps you safe, but given that you have more experience, putting you in more of a controlling position is probably not all bad anyway. Going beyond that, find a good sex positions web site, and you two can talk and laugh and figure out things to try (and if you dig, there are threads on here talking about the topic too).
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Old 03-09-2015, 04:24 PM   #3
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I think it is normal to be nervous and timid about these things your first time. I was kinda in the reverse situation to you; I was 23 when I lost my virginity to a 450 lb guy who had been with several other people before. And when it came down to it, there were a million things running through my head: will he like my naked appearance? Will I be able to please him? Will I hurt him? What if I get it all totally wrong and lose him? What if I am not as good as his previous partners? Will he notice my nerves/inexperience and think I am a joke? Obviously I am a woman so I can't emphathise with the concerns he might have, um, as a male in that situation. I also happened to take a younger man's virginity (god, that sounds so predatory, doesn't it?) and he was of normal height and weight, pretty popular with women and absolutely terrified about the whole thing. Like I said, I think it is normal to be scared your first time, especially if you have issues with self image on top of everything else.

Tad, as always, offers great advice and I would always take what he has to say on board! One thing I would disagree with though is the whole setting time scales thing. For me personally, that would only make me feel more anxious and pressured about the whole thing. Remember that you want him to be relaxed and happy about this too. But that is just my opinion, you know your boyfriend best and so you will know if that sort of thing would work for him/you.

I would definitely advise you making the first move though, when he is feeling relaxed and comfortable.
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Old 03-09-2015, 06:22 PM   #4
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Leave virgins to be with virgins. That's my only advice. I mean, if you don't plan to be with them long, or this is not very serious. You're going to do more damage than good. You won't be doing him any favors popping his cherry then sending him on his way in a few months.
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Old 03-09-2015, 06:41 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by shinydinosaur View Post

... I really like him and find him attractive. Does anyone have any advice for making his first time an enjoyable experience? Any would be much appreciated!
As the Nike commercial says -- Just Do It! The first time is going to be awkward no matter what.
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:47 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by shinydinosaur View Post
Hey everyone, I've been going out with my man for 4 months now and he hasn't made a move. I finally got up the courage to ask him if he just wasn't attracted to me but it turns out he is just nervous to because he's never had sex before. He's 27 and around 400 lbs so I'm wondering if this is a self confidence issue. I really like him and find him attractive. Does anyone have any advice for making his first time an enjoyable experience? Any would be much appreciated!
Yes. Make him come! That is all.

Actually, I know that's a smart-ass answer, but luckily for you he's a guy and in that regard we are fairly simple and straight forward. It's like the old joke about sex and pizza. For a guy it does ring true. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good, as long as you bust a nut that is. Oh, and no acrobatics on the first time out. You definitely do not want to break his dick on it's first foray into battle.

I know his mental hangups are probably going to be the hardest part of your deal. Take your time and be patient with those, and the physical part will be Disneyland, and ice cream cones, and the Super Bowl and World Series all wrapped up into one for him, especially if it's the first time someone other than his own hand gives him an orgasm. Good luck!
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Old 03-10-2015, 04:28 PM   #7
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Just wanted to say a sincere thanks to everyone who has responded. I've taken in all your advice and decided to do a nice romantic and low-key evening, letting him know that I am attracted to him and want him to enjoy himself with me. I think we'll take it slow and hopefully he has a great time I appreciate your help!
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Old 03-10-2015, 05:30 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by b01 View Post
Leave virgins to be with virgins. That's my only advice. I mean, if you don't plan to be with them long, or this is not very serious. You're going to do more damage than good. You won't be doing him any favors popping his cherry then sending him on his way in a few months.


Pretty sure most first times, involve one virgin and one non virgin, and they split up a few months later... that tends to be how things go, generally.

I just think your post is ridiculous. Guessing someone "popped your cherry" (hate that expression) then moved on a few months later and you can't cope with that.
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