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Old 05-14-2015, 08:59 PM   #26
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Blockie is the only decent human responding in this thread. Thank you. [rep could not be given]
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Old 05-15-2015, 11:46 AM   #27
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Way to lump as all together because we don't share your view.

I'm sure everyone here is decent.

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Old 05-16-2015, 10:43 AM   #28
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Blockie is the only decent human responding in this thread. Thank you. [rep could not be given]
I'm curious. What exactly is it that's pissing you off?

I'm often accused of being less than warm and fuzzy. I'm a very practical -- as opposed to romantic person -- but I don't think that bringing up issues others would rather ignore makes me a loathsome human being.
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Old 05-19-2015, 04:01 PM   #29
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I'm glad the thin ones acquire the "less than warm and fuzzy" and/or "practical" gents. I'd much rather pass. Lol
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Old 05-19-2015, 04:47 PM   #30
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I'm glad the thin ones acquire the "less than warm and fuzzy" and/or "practical" gents. I'd much rather pass. Lol
I think he should marry a dude. That is legal now, and so much more practical.
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Old 05-20-2015, 07:08 AM   #31
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I think he should marry a dude. That is legal now, and so much more practical.
Too late already married a woman.

Also, all the warm and fuzzy romance stuff doesn't mean much if the plumbing needs to be fixed.
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Old 05-20-2015, 07:24 AM   #32
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Too late already married a woman.

Also, all the warm and fuzzy romance stuff doesn't mean much if the plumbing needs to be fixed.
A woman can hire a plumber, and if she has a guy with your attitude towards romance, she can also outsource for the "warm and fuzzy romance stuff"
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Old 05-20-2015, 08:22 AM   #33
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not picking a side, but: All women want romance. Thing is.. romance is different to all women. Not all women go for the "warm and fuzzy".
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Old 05-20-2015, 10:22 AM   #34
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Too late already married a woman.

Also, all the warm and fuzzy romance stuff doesn't mean much if the plumbing needs to be fixed.
Speaking only for myself, a guy's plumbing would be low on my list of things to stress over. As long as he's functional. These days my fears run along the lines of Is He Going To Beat My Brains Out, Is he smart, does he smoke crack, does he make me feel like a piece of shit - stuff like that. There are so many idiots out there. These days hardly anybody is in factory condition. I prefer someone I want to be around who feels the same way about me.
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Old 05-20-2015, 01:10 PM   #35
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A woman can hire a plumber, and if she has a guy with your attitude towards romance, she can also outsource for the "warm and fuzzy romance stuff"
My ex did just that. Indeed I can pin point the exact moment the last vestige of affection died. I was dropping our daughter off at the house we had shared. A tree I had planted had been damaged in a storm so I got out my pruning saw and trimmed it up. As I was finishing my ex came out and told me that although I was much better around the house her new guy was more fun to be with. That may well have been true but he was also a useless drug addict. Within a year my ex had lost her professional job and shortly thereafter her house. And who do you think she turned to for help then (the one way ticket back to her mom's place was some of the best money I've ever spent). Our kids were in 8th and 9th grade at the time. I took custody of them. I'm the one who got them through high school and made sure they went to college (my daughter has a MSW from Berkeley and my son just got his MBA last Saturday).

I'm now married to a woman who understands there are more important things than warm and fuzzy.
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Old 05-20-2015, 01:19 PM   #36
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... These days my fears run along the lines of Is He Going To Beat My Brains Out, Is he smart, does he smoke crack, does he make me feel like a piece of shit - stuff like that. There are so many idiots out there. These days hardly anybody is in factory condition. I prefer someone I want to be around who feels the same way about me.

Lets get real -- its pretty easy to tell a decent human being from a drug using POS. As I type this one of my clients is passed out in the hall of the courthouse (right in front of the DA's office) -- stuff like that is a tip off. Its a rare wife beater and/or drug user who presents well.

Whether he or she is compatible is another question.
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Old 05-20-2015, 09:49 PM   #37
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I hope you all fit "personality" in there too.
Hm. That's kind of limiting. Not everyone's a breast man.
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Old 05-21-2015, 07:02 AM   #38
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Lets get real -- its pretty easy to tell a decent human being from a drug using POS. As I type this one of my clients is passed out in the hall of the courthouse (right in front of the DA's office) -- stuff like that is a tip off. Its a rare wife beater and/or drug user who presents well.

Whether he or she is compatible is another question.
That's not entirely true. If it were no one would ever get involved with someone whom they know will beat or hurt them. This is a kind of blase attitude that likes to blame people for being beaten or taken advantage of and how violent people continue to ease on through with very little record of wrong doing. Only in extreme cases are you going to see a guy lying in the hallway reeking of piss and cigarettes. Those are the ones most likely to wind up in front of your desk.
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Old 05-21-2015, 11:31 AM   #39
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That's not entirely true. If it were no one would ever get involved with someone whom they know will beat or hurt them. This is a kind of blase attitude that likes to blame people for being beaten or taken advantage of and how violent people continue to ease on through with very little record of wrong doing. Only in extreme cases are you going to see a guy lying in the hallway reeking of piss and cigarettes. Those are the ones most likely to wind up in front of your desk.

The person passed out in the courthouse was actually a female.

It might be that I have more experience dealing with lowlifes but I really don't have much problem spotting people with issues (even if they're wearing a nice suit, have a decent job, and drive a nice car). While their vocabulary may be better, and their mannerisms more refined, abusers from the better classes share attitudes of entitlement, denial, minimization, and justification with less well healed abusers.

Of course criminal abusers need to be punished. But that doesn't mean that women don't need to make smart decisions. Indeed much grief can arise from non-criminal bad behavior. I'm a father of four daughters I do my best to make sure they have the knowledge and skills to navigate an often harsh world (a boyfriend of daughter number 2 hit her -- she kicked him in the head and knocked him out cold -- that black belt came in handy).
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Old 05-21-2015, 11:52 AM   #40
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That's not entirely true. If it were no one would ever get involved with someone whom they know will beat or hurt them. This is a kind of blase attitude that likes to blame people for being beaten or taken advantage of and how violent people continue to ease on through with very little record of wrong doing. Only in extreme cases are you going to see a guy lying in the hallway reeking of piss and cigarettes. Those are the ones most likely to wind up in front of your desk.
Lilly, I agree with you that for the most part, people don't chose to go into relationships that are abusive. (Some people are hit during the dating phase and still chose to marry the person.)

That being said, I don't understand why they would stay. Maybe it is because I have never been in that kind of situation. A man might hit me once, but it will be the last time he ever hits me. My instinct is very heavy toward the fight/protect myself than the flight instinct. I would be in shock, but I know myself as well. I would wait until he is asleep, pack up my shit up, get the broom or the heaviest stick I can find, beat him and then leave. I would much rather live in the street than live with someone who is going to abuse me.

Where is the person sense of self preservation? Where is there fight or flight instinct? If it means that I have to go into hiding, to get away from a person like that, then I will be the best at hide and seek. I would drop a family member a letter explaining the situation.. mail it from the city I live in before I leave, but I would not stay.
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Old 05-21-2015, 05:05 PM   #41
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Lilly, I agree with you that for the most part, people don't chose to go into relationships that are abusive. (Some people are hit during the dating phase and still chose to marry the person.)

That being said, I don't understand why they would stay. Maybe it is because I have never been in that kind of situation. A man might hit me once, but it will be the last time he ever hits me. My instinct is very heavy toward the fight/protect myself than the flight instinct. I would be in shock, but I know myself as well. I would wait until he is asleep, pack up my shit up, get the broom or the heaviest stick I can find, beat him and then leave. I would much rather live in the street than live with someone who is going to abuse me.

Where is the person sense of self preservation? Where is there fight or flight instinct? If it means that I have to go into hiding, to get away from a person like that, then I will be the best at hide and seek. I would drop a family member a letter explaining the situation.. mail it from the city I live in before I leave, but I would not stay.

I feel the same way, but there are a couple of things that will make a person stay with an abusive guy that may surprise you. Self preservation is high on that list. Many people stay because the chances of them being hurt or killed increase significantly once the person leaves the abuser. 90% of all people killed by an abusive partner were killed after they broke things off. They might not have a safe place to go, no money, etc. A friend of mine left her boyfriend to live with her sister. On her way home from work the guy met up with her on her path, said he just wanted to talk. Now she could have said, "no, go fuck a socket you ape," but a) she was alone on the street and b) she wasn't sure what this guy would do to her. Will he hurt her, kill her? She agreed to talk to him because she was afraid to take a risk that he might get angry and do something to her. It's a big step to say I don't care if you cut up my face or break my jaw. Self preservation means different things to different people. It's fine to say you will do this and that if you are ever in that situation but once in that situation your assessment of how to protect yourself could change dramatically. All the people you think you can turn to will have different ideas about their own safety as well and will prove not as helpful as you would imagine. My advice to you would be to learn self defense. Even in the best self defense classes they start off telling you to be passive with the threat of violence until you absolutely can't do that anymore. Your life could be in danger.
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Old 05-21-2015, 05:20 PM   #42
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The person passed out in the courthouse was actually a female.

It might be that I have more experience dealing with lowlifes but I really don't have much problem spotting people with issues (even if they're wearing a nice suit, have a decent job, and drive a nice car). While their vocabulary may be better, and their mannerisms more refined, abusers from the better classes share attitudes of entitlement, denial, minimization, and justification with less well healed abusers.

Of course criminal abusers need to be punished. But that doesn't mean that women don't need to make smart decisions. Indeed much grief can arise from non-criminal bad behavior. I'm a father of four daughters I do my best to make sure they have the knowledge and skills to navigate an often harsh world (a boyfriend of daughter number 2 hit her -- she kicked him in the head and knocked him out cold -- that black belt came in handy).
I wasn't making an argument that abusers can't be spotted. We do have to spot them however and the things that are on display for you to see when you meet them they are not going to show to someone they mean to impress to work in to their good graces. That's why the best way for women to judge a man is not in the way that he treats you but in the way that he treats everyone else. But we do have to watch. It will not be plainly evident like it is for you.
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Old 05-22-2015, 04:35 AM   #43
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Lilly, you have a point. I guess it might be safer to stay in some instances.
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Old 05-22-2015, 05:39 AM   #44
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Lilly, you have a point. I guess it might be safer to stay in some instances.
My friend said that after her ex confronted her and she went along, people became less inclined to want to help her because in their mind it would do no good if she was just going to go back to him eventually. And she could not guarantee that it wouldn't happen because if he were to happen up upon her again in some other circumstance she would once again do whatever she had to do to survive the encounter. Though pacifying him was the only tool available to her at that time, people in her circle didn't see it that way and blamed her for letting him back in. Law enforcement is more interested in making sure his civil liberties aren't disturbed than they are in protecting her. She had to be willing to let herself be physically hurt by him before action would be taken and it was something she wasn't willing to do. It's not as cut and dried as it appears.

Self defense classes. She learned some moves and mopped him up one time. That was the last she heard or saw of him.
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Old 05-25-2015, 12:13 PM   #45
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Lilly, you have a point. I guess it might be safer to stay in some instances.

Please don't. The world is safer now than at any other time. In the developed word women (and indeed pretty much everyone) are safer than they've ever been. For some reason Americans have taken to being timid and afraid. We need to reclaim our moniker as the home of the brave.
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Old 05-25-2015, 03:15 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by bigmac View Post
Please don't. The world is safer now than at any other time. In the developed word women (and indeed pretty much everyone) are safer than they've ever been. For some reason Americans have taken to being timid and afraid. We need to reclaim our moniker as the home of the brave.
I am not saying stay forever, but I can see how in certain instances it might be best to stay and wait the person out.
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