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Old 08-01-2015, 03:35 PM   #26
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Let us make an example. Let's say that you are married to the BBW of your dreams. However you decide that you need a surgery that is elective, but will increase your life span and maybe give you a better self esteem except that as a result it makes your penis bigger. You know from the start that your wife loves your penis the way it is. You also know for a fact that your wife does not like a big penis. She now has no sex drive because she does not like your penis and no longer wants to have sex and can get turned on by you, but you are still head over heals in love with your wife. This is a decision you chose for yourself because it gives you more self esteem and prolongs your life, so it is best for you in the long run.

Since according to you...

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Originally Posted by jakub View Post
Sex is one of the basic instincts that needs to be satisfied, without it you will end up with depression and poor quality of life. I know that because I've been there.
(which is not true, many couples do live without a sexual component to their marriage and are quite happy)

You will be completely ready to let go of the love of your life over something you have no control over?

Or according to your other advice...

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Originally Posted by jakub View Post
From my perspective only options for you are: open relationship, divorce...or do nothing (and be miserable). This sounds harsh but try to face it and turn off emotions for a moment - do the math and decide.
You would be ok with her having sex with someone else, let him fulfill her sexually, or get divorced because you can't hack that you can't make her happy in bed?

I seriously doubt any of these options would sit well with you. And I would bet money that you would be hurt that the person you love and the person who committed to love you through good and bad, sickness and health is now leaving you because of a health situation you can not control.

You say that you were in that situation.. were you married with kids?

IMO.. When you fall in love with someone you love the person, the physical may draw you to that person, but you fall in love with who they are.. not their tasty candy coating. That to me is being shallow. If the candy coating is what you love, then you need to go back and truly learn what love is. JMO..

*****Just as a disclaimer...I know there are good reasons for divorce and I have no problem with people in an open relationship/marriage. If it works for them, more power to them. (I am too jealous for that sort of thing, but that is my hang up not anyone else's) No judgement on my side.******
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Old 08-01-2015, 03:57 PM   #27
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Sex is one of the basic instincts that needs to be satisfied, without it you will end up with depression and poor quality of life. I know that because I've been there.
For you? Sure. For everyone else? Not neccessarily. Lots of people like sex. Lots of people need sex in their life to be happy. But most definitely not everybody. Plenty of people are happy without sex in a relationship. Rather than throwing away an entire marriage based on the sex not being good at the moment, I would suggest talking to a sexual therapist if sex is important but not working for you at the moment. It is something a lot of couples go through at one point or another and there are so many things you can do to try and new ways to make things stimulating and exciting for both partners.

Also, as an asexual, I can assure you that sex is not a 'basic instinct that need to be satisfied'. Plenty of us have no such 'instinct' or desire. It isn't like hunger or thirst. If you have a strong sex drive and aren't willing to go without sexual pleasure then that is fine but it isn't an innate thing in everyone that everyone experiences in the same way you do.
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Old 08-02-2015, 01:19 AM   #28
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So many replies

Its not about you, its about OP, OP stated that sex is a problem.
There are people who lives happily without leg or eye or something else - it does not mean that you should remove one (or force yourself to living uncomfortably for rest of your life).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow...archy_of_needs

Sex is a basic instinct, asexuality is a minority (I guess I can say that for 1% representation in population) - when replying to someone I'm assuming average in every aspect unless stated (as preference for FAT partner which is a minority too).

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Originally Posted by lucca23v2 View Post
You would be ok with her having sex with someone else, let him fulfill her sexually, or get divorced because you can't hack that you can't make her happy in bed?
Open marriage should work both ways, otherwise it is half-open marriage :P
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Old 08-02-2015, 05:51 AM   #29
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Men are inherently sexual - but many women's libidos are almost as high as mens. If I had my way, I would be having sex every god damn day (sometimes multiple) with my husband, and it does create feelings of frustration and sometimes hurt that his drive isn't as high as mine. So lets not say that sexual instinct or needs are male based only. His wife may be crawling up his leg to have sex now that she is feeling slim and sexy - he may just not be in a position to reciprocate.

Also, the presumption that seems to have been made is that the OP would have "better luck" with another woman. Now, he may be devilishly handsome and rich, but in my experience, there is absolutely no guarantee he would even be able to find a woman to date, let alone have a serious relationship with. Look at all the men looking on this site alone. So the option isn't really thin current wife or find yourself another sexier BBW - it should be is he SO unhappy with his relationship overall he would rather be alone? If the answer is yes, that is a whole other ballgame. If no, this is a point of frustration for him that he is just trying to work through.

I have to agree with Lucca - if you know your partner has not only a love of your body but a sexual preference around it and you chose to change it anyway, you have to take some accountability for the end results. Changing your body so drastically is like changing your face - if my guy went out and basically changed everything on his face, I don't know what my libido would do, but I suspect it would shut off - because he wouldn't be the man I fell in love with. Not to say that feeling would in unconquerable, but it would certainly jar and cause unhappiness.

I personally do not believe in open marriages. To me, you are either with that person solely, or you are dating. And it is almost always seems to be proposed by men. Let's assume she does have some sex drive with her weight loss. His wife has lost weight, either for health or personal reasons. She apparently knows about his preferences. And you think she will be ok with him going off and boinking fat chicks because he has no sexual interest in her? To me, that is the ultimate epitome of insult. To most women I know, open marriage = "Sorry babe, you're fugly (or I am a total cad) but I'm too much of a wuss to leave you, so do you mind if I keep all the benefits and security of being with you, while I go bang chicks who are actually hot?"

Also, as Tad pointed out, having children tends to derail most sex lives. And because the OP has children, it isn't as simple as love 'em and leave 'em anymore. I assume the OP loves his kids, maybe he doesn't.


And by the by - Maslow's hierarchy of needs is one of the most simplistic psychological references that is highly misused. Although it provides a general guidance, it has been proven incorrect over and over again by real life situations by both humans and other animals. Assuming however it is true, the bottom layer (aka base simplistic needs) are that which is required for basic survival - and much as we like to think it is, sex is not one of those once children have been conceived, and only applies in cultures where offspring are essential to life. Sex actually falls into the love/belonging category, which is NOT considered a 'base' need.
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Old 08-02-2015, 08:32 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by loopytheone View Post

...

Also, as an asexual, I can assure you that sex is not a 'basic instinct that need to be satisfied'. Plenty of us have no such 'instinct' or desire. It isn't like hunger or thirst. If you have a strong sex drive and aren't willing to go without sexual pleasure then that is fine but it isn't an innate thing in everyone that everyone experiences in the same way you do.

Sexuality varies considerably among individuals but let me assure you that for large portions of the male population sex is a very basic need that must indeed be satisfied. One of the primary benefits of a steady relationship or marriage is the regular availability of an intimate partner.
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Old 08-02-2015, 08:37 AM   #31
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... Changing your body so drastically is like changing your face - if my guy went out and basically changed everything on his face, I don't know what my libido would do, but I suspect it would shut off - because he wouldn't be the man I fell in love with. ...
Its kind of like having an affair with another person -- but not. It can actually be pretty hot.
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Old 08-02-2015, 08:59 AM   #32
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Men are inherently sexual - but many women's libidos are almost as high as mens. If I had my way, I would be having sex every god damn day (sometimes multiple) ...

Yes, I don't know if I'm fortunate or cursed but at 51 years old my sex drive is pretty much the same as when I was 17. Regardless of what Maslow thinks when guys aren't getting sex they think about it all the time -- it becomes their primary unmet need (I'm assuming they're not homeless and starving). I work quite far from home and I'm not going home this weekend -- the two week period of enforced celibacy is driving me crazy. I'm going home next weekend no matter what!

It's my position that sexual compatibility is essential. A very sexual guy or gal married to a partner who only wants to do it once a month with the lights off is just not going to work (for either party).
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Old 08-02-2015, 09:07 AM   #33
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Convincing yourself that you need something that you desire is sometimes no more than a means of justifying selfish behavior.
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Old 08-02-2015, 09:50 AM   #34
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Convincing yourself that you need something that you desire is sometimes no more than a means of justifying selfish behavior.

People need sex -- its just nature being nature.
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Old 08-02-2015, 10:06 AM   #35
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It's my position that sexual compatibility is essential. A very sexual guy or gal married to a partner who only wants to do it once a month with the lights off is just not going to work (for either party).
So let's say when you get married you are both sexually compatible. Lets say through the years it changes because of kids, health issues. meds. whatever.. does that mean that you now check out if the marriage because the sexual component is not there because of health issues? It just seems selfish to mm.. That person is only interested in their own needs being met. call me crazy, but I thought being in love meant that you care for the other persons needs as much as your own needs. If you are leaving a marriage because one (1) need isn't being meant the way you want it met, then it is not a marriage.

But getting back to the OP's original thought/post.... I think you may want to discuss things with her and maybe the both of you should go to counseling and see if something can be worked out. It can't hurt to try. If it can't, then the both of you can decided where to go from there.
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Old 08-02-2015, 10:15 AM   #36
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Originally Posted by lucca23v2 View Post
But getting back to the OP's original thought/post.... I think you may want to discuss things with her and maybe the both of you should go to counseling and see if something can be worked out. It can't hurt to try. If it can't, then the both of you can decided where to go from there.
Not knowing the wife this may or may not be the best way to go IMO. As I said before consider how it will effect her. It may be more important to be supportive for now and deal with your issue once she has reached her goal and maintained it for a while. I understand being unhappy because you are not enjoying sex sucks, but a medically supervised radical diet is not exactly a pleasure either. Oh joy another chalky protein shake!

By the way I'm not running the original poster down by saying this. He seems like a good guy who is genuinely concerned about his wife and looking to do the right thing.
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Old 08-02-2015, 11:26 AM   #37
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So let's say when you get married you are both sexually compatible. Lets say through the years it changes because of kids, health issues. meds. whatever.. does that mean that you now check out if the marriage because the sexual component is not there because of health issues? It just seems selfish to mm.. That person is only interested in their own needs being met. call me crazy, but I thought being in love meant that you care for the other persons needs as much as your own needs. If you are leaving a marriage because one (1) need isn't being meant the way you want it met, then it is not a marriage.

...
Life gets complicated. People do age and change -- if a person cannot accept that they're pretty infantile. However, IMHO, sexual intimacy is an essential component of a healthy marriage. Obviously at some point -- with advanced old age -- sexual activity will tapper off -- but until then sex is an essential part of a healthy marriage.

Also, its not a selfishness issue -- the needs of both partners have to be satisfied.
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Old 08-02-2015, 12:41 PM   #38
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To most women I know, open marriage = "Sorry babe, you're fugly (or I am a total cad) but I'm too much of a wuss to leave you, so do you mind if I keep all the benefits and security of being with you, while I go bang chicks who are actually hot?"
Sometimes it is other way around. You do not want to leave woman you love without any helping hand or money only because you can't have sex with her.
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Old 08-02-2015, 01:09 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by lucca23v2 View Post
So let's say when you get married you are both sexually compatible. Lets say through the years it changes because of kids, health issues. meds. whatever.. does that mean that you now check out if the marriage because the sexual component is not there because of health issues? It just seems selfish to mm.. That person is only interested in their own needs being met. call me crazy, but I thought being in love meant that you care for the other persons needs as much as your own needs. If you are leaving a marriage because one (1) need isn't being meant the way you want it met, then it is not a marriage.

But getting back to the OP's original thought/post.... I think you may want to discuss things with her and maybe the both of you should go to counseling and see if something can be worked out. It can't hurt to try. If it can't, then the both of you can decided where to go from there.
All of this, so totally all of this ^^^^^^^

One more thought for the OP: do you think you have a preference for a ssbbw partner, and the degree of change was just too much to take in, or do you think you have more of a fetish, where a lot of fat is simply necessary for your sexual functioning, period? For example, if you'd met your wife at her current weight, back in the day, and she'd invited you to.bed, do you think you could have performed back then?

And even one more thoigbt;: you are sure you have no health issues that could be hurting hour sexual functioning?
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Old 08-02-2015, 01:19 PM   #40
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To me this is one of the downsides of being with an FA. Before I begin,Ii will say, this is in regards to SOME FA's not all and certainly not the majority of FA's.

Any change on the scale that reflects a weight loss, it becomes a major problem. Relationships in and of themselves have problems, and then to add the fact that losing weight is something that most big people feel proud of, it is not something you would want to or even share with an FA partner because you know it will cause them to be mad. That is a lot of pressure.

I prefer to be in a relationship where the guy is with me not because I am big or small or I have big tits or a big ass, or big thighs or long hair, etc. I want him to be with me for me.

I totally understand that there has to be something that the person finds attractive, but I want to the person to be with me because he like the package and not the wrapping/packaging/shell/box/delicious candy coating ( ) it comes in.
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Old 08-02-2015, 01:50 PM   #41
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...

I prefer to be in a relationship where the guy is with me not because I am big or small or I have big tits or a big ass, or big thighs or long hair, etc. I want him to be with me for me.

...
Of course, but the reality of the matter is that people generally only pursue, as potential mates, people they find attractive. Its not just a guy think. Most women won't date guys they don't find attractive.
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Old 08-02-2015, 01:57 PM   #42
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Perhaps the OP just needs some patience. Absent WLS diets have a greater than 95% long-term failure rate. He can just needs to wait until she gets fat again.
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Old 08-02-2015, 03:55 PM   #43
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Of course, but the reality of the matter is that people generally only pursue, as potential mates, people they find attractive. Its not just a guy think. Most women won't date guys they don't find attractive.
This is not always the case. I know people that are now happily married that could not stand each other when they first met. They happen to spend a lot of time together because of friends they had in common.

I also know plenty of couples that were friends for years without having any kind of interest in the other person other than friendship. They are now either in a committed relationship or married.

Where as I believe that people for the most part pursue those they find attractive, this doesn't exclude people from falling in love with a friend they admire and grow to love for whom they are.

But now we are way off topic. To the op.. I hope things work out for you.
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Old 08-04-2015, 02:45 PM   #44
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Originally Posted by Xyantha Reborn View Post
Men are inherently sexual - but many women's libidos are almost as high as mens. If I had my way, I would be having sex every god damn day (sometimes multiple) with my husband, and it does create feelings of frustration and sometimes hurt that his drive isn't as high as mine. So lets not say that sexual instinct or needs are male based only. His wife may be crawling up his leg to have sex now that she is feeling slim and sexy - he may just not be in a position to reciprocate.

Also, the presumption that seems to have been made is that the OP would have "better luck" with another woman. Now, he may be devilishly handsome and rich, but in my experience, there is absolutely no guarantee he would even be able to find a woman to date, let alone have a serious relationship with. Look at all the men looking on this site alone. So the option isn't really thin current wife or find yourself another sexier BBW - it should be is he SO unhappy with his relationship overall he would rather be alone? If the answer is yes, that is a whole other ballgame. If no, this is a point of frustration for him that he is just trying to work through.

I have to agree with Lucca - if you know your partner has not only a love of your body but a sexual preference around it and you chose to change it anyway, you have to take some accountability for the end results. Changing your body so drastically is like changing your face - if my guy went out and basically changed everything on his face, I don't know what my libido would do, but I suspect it would shut off - because he wouldn't be the man I fell in love with. Not to say that feeling would in unconquerable, but it would certainly jar and cause unhappiness.

I personally do not believe in open marriages. To me, you are either with that person solely, or you are dating. And it is almost always seems to be proposed by men. Let's assume she does have some sex drive with her weight loss. His wife has lost weight, either for health or personal reasons. She apparently knows about his preferences. And you think she will be ok with him going off and boinking fat chicks because he has no sexual interest in her? To me, that is the ultimate epitome of insult. To most women I know, open marriage = "Sorry babe, you're fugly (or I am a total cad) but I'm too much of a wuss to leave you, so do you mind if I keep all the benefits and security of being with you, while I go bang chicks who are actually hot?"

Also, as Tad pointed out, having children tends to derail most sex lives. And because the OP has children, it isn't as simple as love 'em and leave 'em anymore. I assume the OP loves his kids, maybe he doesn't.


And by the by - Maslow's hierarchy of needs is one of the most simplistic psychological references that is highly misused. Although it provides a general guidance, it has been proven incorrect over and over again by real life situations by both humans and other animals. Assuming however it is true, the bottom layer (aka base simplistic needs) are that which is required for basic survival - and much as we like to think it is, sex is not one of those once children have been conceived, and only applies in cultures where offspring are essential to life. Sex actually falls into the love/belonging category, which is NOT considered a 'base' need.

Here in Sweden BBWs are rare and the ones there are aren't aware of the concept BBW. Almost every bigger woman hates or at the most tolerates their bodies. So finding another BBW is very hard. And as I see it the question is if I am so unhappy with my relationship that I rather would be alone? The answer is that I will do anything I can to save my marriage, that is why I posted my question.

I do not want an open marriage even if I can see that it could be a solution for both of us.
I love my kids very much. That's why I want to save my marriage. If the choice is between seing my kids every day and not having sex for the rest of my life and seing them for limited times and having sex I chose seing my kids every day. But it isn't as simple as that. I know that my wife wants sex so I must be able to have sex with her even if she isn't as sexy to me as she was before.
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Old 08-04-2015, 02:52 PM   #45
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Have you tried popping a Viagra and just going to town? Maybe if her new body brings you physical pleasure you will become attracted to it. I'm no therapist (I'm kind of a schmuck really) but I will revert to my original post that I deleted. Why not try to fake it till you make it? Or you could call it positive visualization. Can it hurt to try?
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Old 08-06-2015, 11:52 AM   #46
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I think this Whole Thread has to do with the FA Condition, especially when it comes to Long Term Relationships.

How many FA's feel completly and totally who they are sexually in their relationships. Some do I am sure. You could marry the most wonderful sexy BBW and while you think she is awesome, she just doesn't get you like you wished.

Jettison the relationship? I don't know.

I just think this is a hard bridge to cross for most of us. How completely do I or any of you share what goes on in our minds, and should we even.
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Old 08-12-2015, 08:55 AM   #47
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I have been reading this thread, and digesting (excuse the pun) the thoughts.
Personally, I think that you cannot fool yourself when it comes to sexual attraction.
If you 'use your imagination' to get aroused, and then just 'go through the motions' because you feel like it's your duty, then you are not only doing your wife a disservice, you are also cheating yourself too. If you don't find her sexually stimulating, then there is no point in faking it.
You will both be happier if you found another solution (open relationship, a split, or some other).....
Unless you are both happy to 'not have any more sex' (and lets be honest, if couples are both happy to do that, then fair play to them), then sex is a part of that relationship and is important. Of course, not being able to have sex for medical reasons is a different thing, as long as the 'want' is there, that's the important feeling to have.
I have been with my partner for 26 years, and only just got married a couple of months ago. I have already discussed if we get to the point where we don't fancy each other sexually, then we should talk about the options.
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Old 08-12-2015, 10:29 AM   #48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigmac View Post
Of course, but the reality of the matter is that people generally only pursue, as potential mates, people they find attractive. Its not just a guy think. Most women won't date guys they don't find attractive.
I didn't mean this is only men, I meant women too. It goes for both sexes. The initial connection most likely is from finding the person attractive, but you fall in love with who a person is. If you are with a person because of the body they have, then let me tell you, you will be jumping from relationship to relationship, because regardless of how much you work out, or eat, etc. the body changes as you age.

I KNOW that sexual attraction is important in a relationship, but that attraction should not be solely based on the persons body. Their personality and who they are as a person should be what drives your sexual attraction.

I love peanut M&M's, but I would still love and eat the peanut even it didn't come with the chocolate and candy coating.
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Old 08-12-2015, 08:53 PM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fatsmagic View Post
I have been reading this thread, and digesting (excuse the pun) the thoughts.
Personally, I think that you cannot fool yourself when it comes to sexual attraction.
If you 'use your imagination' to get aroused, and then just 'go through the motions' because you feel like it's your duty, then you are not only doing your wife a disservice, you are also cheating yourself too. If you don't find her sexually stimulating, then there is no point in faking it.

...

I agree and then again I don't. I'm not sure its fooling yourself to be open to the possibilities presented by a thinner spouse.


Quote:
Originally Posted by lucca23v2 View Post

...

I KNOW that sexual attraction is important in a relationship, but that attraction should not be solely based on the persons body. Their personality and who they are as a person should be what drives your sexual attraction.

...
Again I agree -- but only sort of. Yes physical attraction is only part of the mix. One ingredient if you will -- but its an essential ingredient.
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Old 09-20-2015, 01:23 AM   #50
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I was not going to ring on this but after a while, the weight does not even matter. My partner is 7 4 and 350lbs and I do not see the height or the weight and all I see if my beautiful husband.

Due to being on a few meds for diabetics and such, my sex drive and my manhood no longer works but he understands and does not mind. I find him sexy and adorable but no drive but we still have time for each other for other things and he jerks off while I am there or by himself.

I am wondering, were you turned on to her just for her weight or were you turned on for the whole package? That is the real question that should be asked.
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