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Old 10-09-2015, 05:47 PM   #1
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Default Fat Fetish: Anxiety, Fantasy, Intrusive thought

This is a somewhat personal, anxiety-related post. I'm going to be as honest as I can because I would like any help I could get. I'm already seeing a psychologist. She knows I have a fat fetish, and that I have intrusive thoughts, but I haven't really told her about this.

About a week or so ago, I was lying in bed, about to go to sleep, and I just let my imagination run wild. I started fantasizing about the craziest things related to my fetish. It started with fat girls in general, calling them piggy, feeding them, etc. I then thought of one girl I know, began imagining myself fattening her up until just the thought of "fattening up someone to death" popped into my head. I immediately tried to stop fantasizing and began feeling nauseous. This thought was intrusive, I've never purposefully thought of that sexually (i'm not a murderer and I never want to be, so you can see why this might've been somewhat tormenting as a thought to someone with already extreme anxiety). I actually almost threw up that night thinking of it.

Anyways, days go by, I tell my psych that my anxiety's getting worse, and so she suggests that I meditate. I've been meditating twice a day, everyday, and it seems to have helped with diminishing my stress tremendously. However, a couple days ago, as I was masturbating, the "fattening to death" phrase popped into my head and I felt very uncomfortable. I would never want to fatten someone to death in real life. You can imagine how confusing and tormenting it is for me because the word "fatten" turns me on in and of itself. I just want this thought to go away. I'm not trying to repress it, it's just been lingering in the back of my mind.

I have a girlfriend who is a pretty big girl. We have both agreed that we don't want a feeding/gaining relationship, but she is aware that I have fantasies from time to time. I love and care for her tremendously and only want the best for her. I would certainly never want to "fatten her to death." That's not something I would ever fantasize on. I've always had a problem with thought policing, but it's getting better. I just want this thought to float away.
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Old 10-10-2015, 07:22 AM   #2
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I think a lot of people occasionally have fantasies that go to very transgressive places. I'm no psychologist, but to me I think you need to recognize the thought, agree with yourself that you don't want to follow it, and focus your thoughts elsewhere, without freaking out and almost adding weight to it by the emotions.
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Old 10-10-2015, 10:21 AM   #3
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Yeah, I've made it out to be a bigger deal than it should be. I'm getting a lot better at recognizing thoughts as just thoughts, and honestly, writing up that post was very cathartic and relieving in itself. It hasn't been much of a bother since I posted it. Thanks for the reply and advice.
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Old 10-12-2015, 02:34 PM   #4
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Really glad you are finding some relief from these thoughts. I know I have anxiety issues and intrusive thoughts can be the worst. Just remember that you have already made a huge step forwards in recognising that these are intrusive thoughts and aren't things you genuinely think or feel. If you find yourself getting anxious about it again, just try and remind yourself of that over and over.

If you ever want to talk to anyone or get any advice with regards to your anxiety problems my door/message box is always open.
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Old 10-15-2015, 05:09 PM   #5
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Everybody has some crazy thoughts.........Remember, they are Just thoughts.....Do not act on them........That is and makes all the difference..Acting on crazy insane thoughts will ruin, destroy lifes.
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Old 02-11-2017, 08:20 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rocketman3214 View Post
This is a somewhat personal, anxiety-related post. I'm going to be as honest as I can because I would like any help I could get. I'm already seeing a psychologist. She knows I have a fat fetish, and that I have intrusive thoughts, but I haven't really told her about this.

About a week or so ago, I was lying in bed, about to go to sleep, and I just let my imagination run wild. I started fantasizing about the craziest things related to my fetish. It started with fat girls in general, calling them piggy, feeding them, etc. I then thought of one girl I know, began imagining myself fattening her up until just the thought of "fattening up someone to death" popped into my head. I immediately tried to stop fantasizing and began feeling nauseous. This thought was intrusive, I've never purposefully thought of that sexually (i'm not a murderer and I never want to be, so you can see why this might've been somewhat tormenting as a thought to someone with already extreme anxiety). I actually almost threw up that night thinking of it.

Anyways, days go by, I tell my psych that my anxiety's getting worse, and so she suggests that I meditate. I've been meditating twice a day, everyday, and it seems to have helped with diminishing my stress tremendously. However, a couple days ago, as I was masturbating, the "fattening to death" phrase popped into my head and I felt very uncomfortable. I would never want to fatten someone to death in real life. You can imagine how confusing and tormenting it is for me because the word "fatten" turns me on in and of itself. I just want this thought to go away. I'm not trying to repress it, it's just been lingering in the back of my mind.

I have a girlfriend who is a pretty big girl. We have both agreed that we don't want a feeding/gaining relationship, but she is aware that I have fantasies from time to time. I love and care for her tremendously and only want the best for her. I would certainly never want to "fatten her to death." That's not something I would ever fantasize on. I've always had a problem with thought policing, but it's getting better. I just want this thought to float away.
Whenever I have intrusive, unwelcome and unreasoning thoughts, I do research, study, analyze, and logic them back into the ground where they belong. This can, I think, be done with this phrase you mention, because while I'm sure it's *possible* for a person to die from weight-related complications, this is, in fact, quite rare. Most people whose death is attributed to their weight did not, in fact, die because of their weight, but because of inadequate nutrients, improperly-prepared food, an improperly-balanced diet, too much sugar without sufficient fiber, not enough healthy fats, too little exercise, too much stress, not enough sleep on a regular basis, or even just plain and simple poverty. There are just some doctors in the medical profession who've been trained to slap an "obesity" diagnosis on a cadaver when they can't figure out the real cause of death.

Case in point, I had blood pressure problems not too long ago, and my doctor assured me that there was *no way* I could lower my blood pressure without medication or weight loss. Since then, I have switched from soda to seltzer, stopped over-salting my snacks and started exercising more often, as well as eating more healthy fats, and after three months, my blood pressure was fine, and I had lost a staggering one pound of weight (which could have been from anything.) So, yeah. I just don't think very many people die from being fat.
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Old 05-20-2017, 12:26 AM   #7
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Maybe your imagination runs wild because you haven't explored it enough? It sounds like you are repressing too much of your self for you and your mind to agree where the line is drawn between fantasy and reality is?
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Old 05-20-2017, 12:57 AM   #8
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There's one more thing I think I should mention, because it's helped me in the past. I've found that in general, my thoughts are rarely the problem; it's usually the emotions either following from or motivating my thoughts. Coping with emotions comes with its own method (identify the emotion by name, visualize the emotion in physical terms, then see past or dispel the emotion,) and I'm not sure whether this is your issue, but I wanted to bring it up, because these are techniques I need to frequently use around fat girls to keep my heart rate down. They've helped me, and I wondered if they might help with your problem.
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Old 05-21-2017, 03:03 PM   #9
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I have had thoughts of huge fat women, sometimes more than one, crushing me or crushing someone else to death for their own pleasure, or perhaps as a death penalty in felonious criminal's punishment. It has even involved bone crunch noise & blood splat at times. Things get much darker from there.

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Old 05-21-2017, 03:08 PM   #10
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I do feel guilty about where my fantasizing & fetish stuff goes. I have on occasion had feeder tendencies, but mine are related to a breeding fantasy, or to my usual crushing fantasy.

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Old 06-05-2017, 12:13 AM   #11
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Hope you got over that. That must be hard. It reminds me of some dreams I've had. When I was having them I didn't think about it. But when I woke up I was disgusted. 99% of my dreams are ok or even good, if maybe random. But that's the real trouble with dreams, or even fantasies. It's not just randomness, it's the fact they're more uncontrolled. If I put a pencil down on my desk, I can walk away and be confident it'll remain there when I come back. If I drop it, I'm confident it'll fall at a consistent rate each time. And yet in a dream things don't work this way. Fantasy can be similar. We break rules in fantasy frequently. That's one of the joys of fantasy.

This is a uncomfortable topic. Because even as I'd like to discuss the darker side of dreams or fantasies, I also have no desire to be a dark person or to encourage it in someone who wants to be. I'm very adamant about that.
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Old 06-05-2017, 02:04 AM   #12
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But that's the real trouble with dreams, or even fantasies. It's not just randomness, it's the fact they're more uncontrolled. If I put a pencil down on my desk, I can walk away and be confident it'll remain there when I come back. If I drop it, I'm confident it'll fall at a consistent rate each time. And yet in a dream things don't work this way. Fantasy can be similar. We break rules in fantasy frequently. That's one of the joys of fantasy.
I think there's a couple aspects to this. First, there aren't any real-world consequences to dark dreams, which makes it less harmful in an immediate sense. Secondly, in real life, physical objects restrict access to their incidental properties, which is one of the weaknesses of physical reality, though it is certainly possible to imagine a reality where that's not the case, and wouldn't involve breaking any rules.
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Old 06-07-2017, 11:04 AM   #13
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I think there's a couple aspects to this. First, there aren't any real-world consequences to dark dreams, which makes it less harmful in an immediate sense. Secondly, in real life, physical objects restrict access to their incidental properties, which is one of the weaknesses of physical reality, though it is certainly possible to imagine a reality where that's not the case, and wouldn't involve breaking any rules.
Hmm not sure what you mean in your second comment. I mean broadly we break rules in fantasy because it's our playground. We defy gravity and everythijng happens the way we want it to happen, mostly. When I was growing up I always had fantasies of girls liking me or making a bully look dumb. It never happened so perfectly (or conveniently) in reality though.

People have imagined good things and bad things. There're no real consequences, unless you consider cults or religion fantasy? Or insane people might believe something in their imagination. In both instances their imagination or fantasy might influence their choices in the real world. Like whether to be friendly with someone. Another thing is you can say imagination has no consequences in the real world, but tell that to the people who're trying to censor violence (or sex) in movies or video games? If it's not real, why should they care?

Me for example. I've played violent video games. I've had some dreams with similar violence in them and then regretted after I woke up. There're several reasons it made me feel bad. I get mad in real llife, but those dreams weren't me.. If people knew all my dreams, would they be paranoid and try to "censor" me, just like they want to censor video games? Regardless of consequences of dremas or fantasy, people do get paranoid. Insecurity is always the excuse to lose freedoms and make the government bigger.

So fantasy or dreams might not directly affect reality, but insecurity, belief and insanity will.
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Old 11-17-2017, 06:30 PM   #14
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Hmm not sure what you mean in your second comment. I mean broadly we break rules in fantasy because it's our playground. We defy gravity and everythijng happens the way we want it to happen, mostly. When I was growing up I always had fantasies of girls liking me or making a bully look dumb. It never happened so perfectly (or conveniently) in reality though.
When I said that, in real life, physical objects restrict access to their incidental properties, I'm referring to something that ancient philosophers used to call "accidents." A property which a thing has, which it doesn't need to have, in order to be what it is. For example, the dog down the street has short hair, but it doesn't *need* to have short hair, in order to be a dog. Most properties are incidental like this.

Let me give another example. If you have a cupcake, it's frequently sweet. However, not all cupcakes are sweet. Therefore, being sweet is an incidental property of cupcakes. When I said that physical objects restrict our access to these properties, I was referring to how it's impossible for us to just summon the taste of sweetness without some sweet-tasting foodstuff. If we could, I think it would change a lot of things about human experience for the better, and it's not too hard to imagine that being the case.

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People have imagined good things and bad things. There're no real consequences, unless you consider cults or religion fantasy?
Actually, I think one of the bigger consequences of imagination has been inventiveness and general learning. Imagination can be used to try to predict how experiments might go, and therefore, can be very useful in planning out breakthroughs and tests, in science, logic, math and philosophy, and yes, in religion as well.

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In both instances their imagination or fantasy might influence their choices in the real world. Like whether to be friendly with someone. Another thing is you can say imagination has no consequences in the real world, but tell that to the people who're trying to censor violence (or sex) in movies or video games? If it's not real, why should they care?
I actually think the answer is different, for these two different things. Violence in movies and games harms no one and encourages nothing, and people trying to censor it have their sights aimed at the wrong thing. It should be evil propaganda they should be censoring; not just "violence."

As for sex, however, depictions of actual sex in media are called porn, and I think that's very different from violence, since none of us has a "violence drive," that strongly tempts us to commit acts of violence when we see a violent act being performed.

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Me for example. I've played violent video games. I've had some dreams with similar violence in them and then regretted after I woke up. There're several reasons it made me feel bad. I get mad in real llife, but those dreams weren't me.. If people knew all my dreams, would they be paranoid and try to "censor" me, just like they want to censor video games?
There are already attempts to police people's thoughts, even though they don't know what those really are. As for nightmares, I think we should each be able to decide whether we're vulnerable enough to nightmares, to abstain from certain things that cause them.

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Regardless of consequences of dremas or fantasy, people do get paranoid. Insecurity is always the excuse to lose freedoms and make the government bigger.

So fantasy or dreams might not directly affect reality, but insecurity, belief and insanity will.
I love your use of the word "excuse" in this context. It's well-chosen.
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Old 11-17-2017, 08:14 PM   #15
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So if I find a sexual attraction to a fat woman down the the street, she doesn't have to be fat to be a woman? But she does have to be fat for me to be sexually attracted to her.


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Old 11-18-2017, 01:45 AM   #16
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So if I find a sexual attraction to a fat woman down the the street, she doesn't have to be fat to be a woman? But she does have to be fat for me to be sexually attracted to her.


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And she does have to exist, in order for you to feel those feelings for her.

As for needing to be fat, in order to be attracted to her, some of us do have that issue.
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Old 11-22-2017, 05:27 AM   #17
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My love for fat goes to some dark places in my mind that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't wanna go irl too. Like the whole wanting immobility thing, fattening someone without their consent or knowledge by lacing their food with weight gain formula or appetite stimulants, getting off on the various things that become harder to do at very high weights, etc.

Deep down I even have a bit of a fetish for "obesity related" diseases. Like when I have checkups my blood sugar has consistently been going up the past few years, last time was 2 points away from the prediabetic category and also I get palpitations, have tachycardia from being deconditioned (doctorese for out of shape with no exercise) my doctor said. And I come from a family where both obesity and heart disease are so prevalent that you're hardly considered a grown up until you experience the rite of passage that is your first coronary bypass operation. And I get a weird, edgy thrill from that.
And this is how I know I'm truly a horrible person, I even have heart attack fantasies now and then. I would never actually want to hurt anyone, in fact my darkest desires are more directed towards myself and even though in fiction it can turn me on, in a real life relationship I would be unhappy just knowing my partner was unhappy about or ashamed of their weight instead of joyfully embracing it (which I understand is hard in our current culture, believe me I'm dieting under social duress atm myself), let alone experiencing serious physical problems because of it.
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Old 11-22-2017, 02:02 PM   #18
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I would never actually want to hurt anyone, in fact my darkest desires are more directed towards myself and even though in fiction it can turn me on, in a real life relationship I would be unhappy just knowing my partner was unhappy about or ashamed of their weight instead of joyfully embracing it (which I understand is hard in our current culture, believe me I'm dieting under social duress atm myself), let alone experiencing serious physical problems because of it.
I don't know if this will help any, but I don't think you're a horrible person. I think you're just confusing your feelings with your personhood, and your perceived desires with your actual desires.

For example, if I feel pleasure when I see someone I don't like getting hurt, that's not a good emotion to feel, but although the emotion itself is bad, I might still not be a bad person, if the emotion is involuntary, or if I don't want to feel that way.

I also don't really believe that anyone can have desires that are for bad things. I think we really desire good things, but may confuse the things we want, for the things required to get them. For instance, lots of people think they want money, but when you get down to it, money is really just paper. What people really want is comfort and security, and in some cases power and influence, which money can provide, but they usually don't want the money for its own sake.

Now, when you say you feel pleasure over certain thoughts of sickness, I can't help but feel that this is not because you believe that sickness is a wonderful thing, but rather, because those thoughts encourage a largely-unrelated feeling in you. It's really the feeling that you want, but not the illness itself, for its own sake. You demonstrate this by recognizing that illness is not a good thing to want. The very fact that you recognize this, in fact, shows that you are not as bad a person as you think you are. I think you just have some confusing emotions to think through. That's all.
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