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Old 05-19-2015, 08:44 AM   #1
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Post You're All I Need

“Note: I’m not a writer, I’m a musician. I write short little essays with a thesis you can sing along with. I’m not a story writer. I’m dipping my toes into the water here. Any and all feedback is welcomed and will be taken to heart. If you take the time to read, please take the time to comment. Thanks.”


YOU’RE ALL I NEED

I’m not a super great guy. I try to be. I think we all try to be, right? At the end of the day though I’m just not that great at being relationship material. I work too hard, I don’t do enough to keep myself decompressed after all those hours of work. And really, it’s my own fault. A full time job and three half time jobs all going on at the same time, really who has time to do anything but work, eat, bathe quickly, try and catch some sleep and wake up and do it all again? It’s rough and it’s my own fault.

Add to all that the fact that I just never really felt that I deserved the kind of love and affection from a woman that I hear about in music, see in movies, and read about in books, it does make for some troubled times when it comes to a relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not needy. I don’t ask for a lot. Just be here, be patient with me. I’ll get through my own shortcomings and it’ll be awesome, I promise.

Anyway.

I was in my early thirties when it all came down around me. The woman I’d been with for over two years left me to go back to her parents because, no surprise to me, she wasn’t getting what she needed from me. I was left, quite unceremoniously I might add, with a house full of cats, video games, musical equipment, the internet and a lot of appliances that just didn’t cut the mustard when it came to impressing anyone let alone a potential romantic partner.

Bachelor life achievement unlocked. Even had PBR and mustard in the fridge.

Fast forward a bit and I, as anyone really would I think, got a little tired of the whole “self love” thing and decided to seek out some NSA/FWB style company. I thought if at the very least I couldn’t keep a relationship together at least I and another consenting adult could help reduce and relieve a little stress once in a while. I’m not flinging myself at just anyone mind you but I’m no prude either. I do have some standards.

Thankfully I live in the digital age and the magic series of tubes that is the internet led me to meet someone thanks to a singles site. She lived a few hours away, not too far to make it unlikely that we’d ever meet but far enough away that it wouldn’t be a little weird if we just happened to run into each other getting snacks at a gas station. Comfortable distance ya know? Comfortable distance.

As luck would have it, it was the right time for us both. It had been a while, we were looking for some companionship, we didn’t want to get in too deep. Comfortable distance again, ya dig?

We met, had a very busy evening that included dinner some drinks and falling asleep together sticky and contented. There was also a moment in the middle of the night where a brief reenactment took place just to make sure we had done everything correctly.

I know a lot of people here are all about the numbers so I suppose we should get into that a bit. Me? About six foot tall. Ok… five eleven barefoot but I’m rarely barefoot. Average build guy 190 – 200 pounds or so. Though I should say I’d love to get back down to around 175 – 180. It just felt right ya know? Kinda scruffy, long hair. Not trying to make a statement or look bad ass in anyway really, just too cheap to get a haircut and too lazy to really shave. I hate shaving. I have the chops to get into an office and run that place like you wouldn’t believe, but will also take apart any appliance in the house when it starts crapping out. Jack of all trades kinda I suppose.

She… amazing. My height, more than twice me weight, dark hair and eyes, soft lips and skin. She had a big double belly that was just amazingly soft. She has a sweet voice and a wonderful laugh. An amazing personality, smart, funny, into politics and activism and just being right with the world and people in it.

In other words, she is way out of my league. I thought it then, I think it now, I’ll never not think it.

The evening passed as I’m going to assume most of those meetings do. We had a dinner with some awkward conversation make slightly easier by drinks (I’m a scotch guy and she’s into bourbon. How awesome is that?) and a general agreement that fat women are amazingly attractive.

I don’t care how many times you’ve had sex. The first time with a new partner is just weird. You don’t know what they’re into, what they want you to do, what’s going to hurt, what’s going to tickle, what they’re going to consider immoral, what’s going to turn them on, and what’s going to turn them off. You’re flying blind the first time and you just pray that you both get through it and come out (ha ha) on the other end without any fits of laughter, crying, nausea, regret or misplaced fluids.

Thankfully, we passed the test.

The next morning she got back in her car and headed home.

I found myself being generally concerned about her and wondering how she was and what she was doing with her day. We sent an email now and then and a text a few times a day and talked about “Maybe next time, we look each other up again.” It was decided that it would be a good idea.

Before I knew it I was head over heels for this most amazing woman. There was nothing to not like about her. It had only been a few weeks by this point but we’d find ourselves together almost every weekend and talking about the things we were going to go do and go see the next time we were together.

It had to happen eventually. We were just having one of our generally little chats. I don’t remember who said it first but I’m fairly certain it was me. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you. Good night.”


"Note: That’s all I’ve got for now. If you’d like more please let me know and I’ll get some more stuff happening when I can. Probably not quite as sexual as you were hoping but that’s not where I wanted to take this. Anyway, thanks for reading. All comments are welcome.”
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Old 05-19-2015, 09:20 AM   #2
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I like it. The narrator's voice is chatty and personal, in a very relaxed and self-aware sort of way that I enjoyed. And: absolutely stories here do not need to be all about sex!
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:07 AM   #3
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CHAPTER 2

For the next several weeks things went on pretty much like that. We’d get together when we could over a weekend and have a pretty damn good time, if I do say so myself.


In trying to convince her that my Small Town America wasn’t all that bad (think John Mellencamp), we went and tried all the great local places to eat around here. Variety isn’t super great in a small town but the selection is pretty good and there is no shortage of talented people making some excellent meals around here. She enjoyed the food and I enjoyed her enjoying it.


Thrift stores were always a big favorite too. There’s something about looking at all this stuff that people used to have and you kinda wonder to yourself “Why did it take you as long as it did to decide to get rid of this?”

It was just one of those things we did and it was good.


It didn’t take us long to move past the “adults having a good time” part of the relationship to really being in love. Neither of us really were the type to fall in love easily. We’d made some mistakes and pretty bad judgments in the past and were pretty weary of getting involved again. Really though, when it happens what can you do about it right? You ride it out, that’s what.


]It seemed to be going great. She loved me, I loved her. We were talking every day and seeing each other every week. I mean… what’s not to love about that? History. History is the problem there.


I’ve never been the kinda guy that saw himself really getting anywhere in a relationship. They’ve always ended poorly and I’d say half of the time it was my fault and the other half was something that the woman I was with did. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, had things taken from me and hell was even in a pretty abusive relationship for a little while. After a decade of failures it’s hard to ever imagine having a success.


Somewhere along the lines I, subconsciously, decided that I had to sabotage things. If they were gonna go south they were gonna go south on my terms and no one elses.


I made a mistake. I made a big mistake.


I came home from work one day and found her sitting on the couch and she said “I think I’m going to leave.”
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Old 06-01-2015, 11:13 AM   #4
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CHAPTER 3

Iíve never really felt that I deserved anyone. I suppose after a few failed relationships where youíve tried your best failure can do that to do. You start to think that maybe itís never gonna work out with anyone but you canít just be alone. Does that make sense? Maybe. Maybe not.

Iíve never physically cheated on anyone. Ever. Never have. Never will. Itís been done to me several times and I know what that feels like. Itís just about the worst feeling in the world. However I am not a perfect man. I get scared. I worry about being alone even when Iíve got the best thing in the world with me.

She was leaving me because I did something inexcusable. The feelings that I had for her, which were for her and her alone, I faked with other women. I faked it because I was always ready for her to leave. And now, because of that, she was ready to leave.

I broke down. Had there not been something between me and the floor I would have ended up there. Iíve hurt before but this was unlike any pain Iíd ever felt. I was angry with myself for doing what I did. I was scared that Iíd never find anyone like her ever again. It was hard enough seeing her leave when I knew Iíd see her again but this was too much. I was, to put it in nice terms, a blubbering mess of a man that was watching his whole world fall down around him.

Something strange happened though and I still canít figure it out. She could have left. She should have left. She stayed. She held me until I stopped shaking, she wiped my tears away. We stayed like that, in silence, for a few minutes.

It wasnít till that day, that exact moment in time, when I felt that I was truly loved and truly in love. Iíd never been happier and to this day I havenít been happier yet.
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Old 10-11-2015, 11:04 PM   #5
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How does it end?
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Old 10-12-2015, 07:52 PM   #6
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I think he told you. Things changed that day for the better and still are to this day. They're still together, The end.
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Old 10-20-2015, 08:20 PM   #7
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To be totally honest I'd kinda just left it.

I wasn't expecting a lot of feedback or anything but I kinda felt folks were bored with it.

I'll return to it soon. Promise.
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Old 10-21-2015, 11:12 AM   #8
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Good - a lot of people (not just FAs and BBWs) have "been there. done that" in their public personas vs real feelings - then wished later they'd been mofre open. Go with your muse.
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Old 10-21-2015, 12:17 PM   #9
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Now I've got that song stuck in my head...
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Old 10-27-2015, 11:11 PM   #10
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The Collective Soul tune?
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Old 11-11-2015, 09:56 AM   #11
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CHAPTER 4

Almost a year already... can you believe it? It doesn't seem like it's even been half of that. You told me once that we wouldn't even make it to six months and here we are.

I still don't know if it was because of past experience that you said that. Maybe you were just teasing me. Maybe you didn't want it? I don't know. Either way 24 weeks has turned into 52.

It was cold the night we first met and it's cold again today. That sharp kind of cold you only get in the fall. It always looks like it should be much warmer than it is. I don't want to get too corny here but I can't imagine we "picked" a better time to start this whole thing up.

What I mean is that this time of year things are dying. Nature is doing it's big purge of all the things that it doesn't need to survive the next year. We did the same. You coming back home after trying something new and scary. Me being left here alone with no idea what was going on.

We needed to start over. We had to start over.

Winter ended, as it always does, and with it we were ready. We were ready to start over and really make something work with ourselves and each other. Life gradually started to come back to the land around us and with is a feeling of being refreshed. Spiritually, emotionally... hell I don't know. But it was something.

I don't know if we ever really talked about how important spring time was for us. That was when we really decided that this was something we wanted to pursue. We weren't just keeping each other company in the cold, dark, lonely winter nights. We wanted to keep it up and keep it going.

Summer happened. We were comfortable with summer. Not with the heat at all but with each other. We were started to finish each others sentences. I always thought that was a cheesy kinda thing but we were doing it. We were experiencing life as it is with someone that makes you truly happy. We weren't scared anymore. We weren't worried that we were going to cause this thing to crash and burn. We had the whole world in front and ahead of us.

There are things, however, that we couldn't walk away from. Fall happened again and some of those old worries and apprehensions came back. We did get scared. We worried. Was everything we'd done for the last several months actually something good? Was it just filler till the next best thing came along? Maybe we never said it much out loud but it was there. You can't lose things like we did and just forget about them. That's not how it works. The things you lose stay with you more than the things you keep sometimes.

And now... here we are. Again in those cold mornings, sunny afternoons, wet evenings of fall. We've seen the full cycle of nature. We've seen the full cycle of us. There are always things that are going to come that we aren't ready for. Unexpected situations arise where we lease suspect them. One thing though, and I say this without any hesitation, is that whatever those things are we can meet them and we can conquer any situation life throws at us.

We've proven it to ourselves and now we've proven to each other that we're ready. We're in this for the long haul. All that other stuff was just training wheels for who we were trying to become for each other.

It's not fate or destiny. Fortune cookies and Magic 8 Balls didn't decide we were going to fall in love. We just had to be ready to recognize when we did the good things that were ready for us.

I'm ready for you, I'm ready to take what I've got here and give it up for you... and I know you're ready to do the same for me.
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Old 11-14-2015, 11:10 PM   #12
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That was beautiful. I hope she knows how much you love her.
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