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Old 02-24-2016, 03:58 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by choudhury View Post
Well, I for one remain confused about the difference between FA and 'fetishist.' I can't really grasp the idea that the 'fetishist' is 'only attracted to fat.' Who lusts after a disembodied lump of fat? We're all attracted to fat WOMEN not fat per se. So that can't be the distinction. Other distinctions invoked in this thread include extreme fantasies or one-dimensional behaviors (e.g., feeding someone to immobility, obsessing over numbers on the scale). Maybe this is closer to the mark. It's still a bit tricky, because most FAs probably are on a continuum here - we like weight gain even if it's not carried to extremes, we like discovering what the scale says, we tend to especially enjoy the fattest part of our mate's body (belly, butt, whatever). But we like other things beyond that.

It sounds to me like we want to call a 'fetishist' those who have a very OBJECTIFYING one-dimensional approach to BBWs - framing them purely as objects to be fattened, or weighed, etc.. And we want to call 'FAs' those who have a more fully-rounded, mature approach to women. Now I can get behind that. But is this how the word 'fetish' is used outside the FA community? Is a foot fetishist a guy who objectifies women's feet, excluding any other consideration than that, or just a guy for whom the sexiest part of a woman is the foot?

Whatever the case may be, I don't like being called a 'fat fetishist.' First, it makes it sounds like I want to get it on with a big lump of fat rather than a fat woman. Second, it seems to imply some deviant obsessiveness, when in fact I'm no different from a guy who lusts after thin women - I just like my ladies rotund.
Excellent post! I agree with everything said.
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Old 02-24-2016, 04:35 PM   #52
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Wow, it's been awhile since I have seen a topic get this much attention in the FA/FFA forum! Also I wan't able to rep anyone, due to recently giving most of you rep for other posts.
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Old 02-24-2016, 07:26 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by Xyantha Reborn View Post

...

he sounds like a prick!
Yes, I think this is the better point. Rather than worrying about whether or not someone is a fetishist worry about whether or not they are a jerk.
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Old 02-24-2016, 07:48 PM   #54
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Yes, I think this is the better point. Rather than worrying about whether or not someone is a fetishist worry about whether or not they are a jerk.
True enough. OP started this thread about a specific person in her life (or in and out of her life I guess) and collectively we raised it to a philosophical debate about FAs vs fetishists. I may be a good deal at fault here because I am the one who suggested he was a fetishist and not really an FA.

With all that said, I think we can agree OP is better serving herself by moving on from this guy. OP is a very attractive woman. She doesn't need this guy. She's pretty enough for just about any guy. When she proves to herself she doesn't need this guy it will be every bit his loss.
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Old 02-28-2016, 01:57 AM   #55
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....
A person whose sexual desire or gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, activity, part of the body, etc.

So if fat is an necessity for sexual desire or gratification, we're talking about fetishism. ...
So, according to this definition, I'm an FA and fetishist.
My fat wife is happy with the fact that I like exclusively fat women.
I don't know what's wrong with fetishism?
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Old 03-02-2016, 03:43 PM   #56
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I don't know what's wrong with fetishism?
Despite Happily Married's insistence to the contrary, having a fetish doesn't automatically mean that you're a creep or that you use people. I think most reasonable people here would agree that there is something wrong with treating someone like garbage in pursuit of satisfying your fetish. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen. I'm saying that having a fetish isn't a promise to be a scumbag.
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Old 03-02-2016, 04:02 PM   #57
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Despite Happily Married's insistence to the contrary, having a fetish doesn't automatically mean that you're a creep or that you use people. I think most reasonable people here would agree that there is something wrong with treating someone like garbage in pursuit of satisfying your fetish. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen. I'm saying that having a fetish isn't a promise to be a scumbag.
Where exactly have I insisted this? Quote it directly if you would, please. I've argued that being an FA does not automatically make one a fetishist, but I've made no claim that fetishists are automatically creeps. If you feel I've argued otherwise I welcome your thoughts. I insist that you use direct quotes that I've made. Please don't paraphrase.
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Old 03-02-2016, 07:05 PM   #58
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I insist that you use direct quotes that I've made.

Um, no. No offense man but I kind of don't care that you've insisted.

I'm not going to go collect a bunch of quotes. Mainly because I'm an obstinate dickhead. Also, I'm lazy.

My use of the word creep was a way of summarizing your definition of a fetishist. Your definition being: someone who refuses to be seen in public with their lover, someone who overlooks a person's humanity for their fat, and someone who uses another person just for sex. All three of those qualities are inherently creepy, therefore I am concluding that in your view a person with a fetish is a creep. Maybe I'm wrong but that seems to be what you've been implying.

I disagree with your definition and I see myself as an FA with some fetishistic leanings. So, I take offense to the implication that I meet any of your criteria for what qualifies one as a fetishist.

I've never used someone for sex. I've held hands with with big women in public and have been openly affectionate. I've introduced fat women to my family. I've encouraged exercise, healthy eating, and, yes, even weight loss. To the best of my ability I have tried to love and be a good, decent, man for every woman I have ever dated. And while all this is true it is also true that I consider myself to be someone with some sexual tastes that could be considered fetishistic. So, I'm resistant to the idea that anyone attracted to fat women in a way that differs from your specific brand of attraction is considered a fetishist as you've defined it. I think that your definition of a fetishist is exactly that; your definition.
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Old 03-02-2016, 07:25 PM   #59
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Um, no. No offense man but I kind of don't care that you've insisted.

I'm not going to go collect a bunch of quotes. Mainly because I'm an obstinate dickhead. Also, I'm lazy.
Fair enough. But let the record note: You are grossly mischaracterizing things I've said and in your own words too lazy and too obstinate a dickhead to take the time to review what I've actually said. With this in mind, any critique you make of my position on this subject is fundamentally flawed.

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My use of the word creep was a way of summarizing your definition of a fetishist. Your definition being: someone who refuses to be seen in public with their lover, someone who overlooks a person's humanity for their fat, and someone who uses another person just for sex. All three of those qualities are inherently creepy, therefore I am concluding that in your view a person with a fetish is a creep. Maybe I'm wrong but that seems to be what you've been implying.
Wrong again. I've said those things MAY be indicators one is a fetishist rather than an actual FA. That word "may" is crucial because I won't speak in absolutes. It's a possibility a fetishist fits the description I've given but not all of them will. Hence the word "may." I've used "will" a few times too, but taken as a whole in context of what I've put on this thread my take on fetishists is suggestive, not definitive.

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I disagree with your definition and I see myself as an FA with some fetishistic leanings. So, I take offense to the implication that I meet any of your criteria for what qualifies one as a fetishist.
I'm not sure how you can disagree with my "definition" because I've offered neither a definition for neither fetishist nor FAs. I've simply shared some indicators that MAY help OP discern one from another.

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I've never used someone for sex. I've held hands with with big women in public and have been openly affectionate. I've introduced fat women to my family. I've encouraged exercise, healthy eating, and, yes, even weight loss. To the best of my ability I have tried to love and be a good, decent, man for every woman I have ever dated. And while all this is true it is also true that I consider myself to be someone with some sexual tastes that could be considered fetishistic. So, I'm resistant to the idea that anyone attracted to fat women in a way that differs from your specific brand of attraction is considered a fetishist as you've defined it. I think that your definition of a fetishist is exactly that; your definition.
Uh...If you've read my posts here you'd see I've not argued this. You're pretty far off on a lot of things I said. I was hoping for a reasonable conversation and an opportunity to clarify my position but you've made it clear (self described dickhead, obstinate, lazy) that's not possible. Doesn't mean we can't co-exist here and elsewhere on Dims, but it seems it would utterly fruitless to try to discuss this any further with you.
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Old 03-02-2016, 09:14 PM   #60
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Ok, apart from being a lazy obstinate dickhead, the other reason I didn't want to quote you is because I didn't feel like having the conversation where we go over what you said line by line and you backpedal and mince words and lawyer your way out of standing by what you actually said. But you went ahead and did that anyway.

The fact that I didn't want to facilitate your tedious debate style doesn't mean that I haven't reviewed everything that you've said. If you think you haven't attempted to define what a fetishist is I suggest that you take another good long look at what you've actually said.

But whether or not what you offered could truly be called a "definition" or whether or not you used the words "may" or "will" is not the point. The point is that you don't seem to understand the subject you're pontificating about and you're pushing your misunderstanding out into this community. Your misconceptions could very well serve to further marginalize people who may already feel marginalized.

You seem like a perfectly nice guy. I don't mean to be an asshole but I don't think that this should go unchallenged. The only fruit in this "utterly fruitless" discussion is the discussion itself and it needs to be had.
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Old 03-02-2016, 10:09 PM   #61
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...I won't speak in absolutes.
The only reason I point out this absolute statement about not speaking in absolutes is that it amuses me, not to pick apart your position, which is valid and which I respect.

I welcome all to do the same with my posts.




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The only fruit in this "utterly fruitless" discussion is the discussion itself and it needs to be had.
Certainly.


It seems to me that both of you value respecting a partner, but just have different terms you use for those who don't. Were this a spoken discussion, I imagine you'd find out you're not that far apart from each other.

Myself? I am an FA, a fetishist, and one who respects my partner. Also, like both of you, I strive to be a gentleman.




Although I, too, have my moments as a lazy, obstinate...er...so-and-so.
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Old 03-02-2016, 10:31 PM   #62
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Ok, apart from being a lazy obstinate dickhead, the other reason I didn't want to quote you is because I didn't feel like having the conversation where we go over what you said line by line and you backpedal and mince words and lawyer your way out of standing by what you actually said. But you went ahead and did that anyway.

The fact that I didn't want to facilitate your tedious debate style doesn't mean that I haven't reviewed everything that you've said. If you think you haven't attempted to define what a fetishist is I suggest that you take another good long look at what you've actually said.

But whether or not what you offered could truly be called a "definition" or whether or not you used the words "may" or "will" is not the point. The point is that you don't seem to understand the subject you're pontificating about and you're pushing your misunderstanding out into this community. Your misconceptions could very well serve to further marginalize people who may already feel marginalized.

You seem like a perfectly nice guy. I don't mean to be an asshole but I don't think that this should go unchallenged. The only fruit in this "utterly fruitless" discussion is the discussion itself and it needs to be had.
If you can't connect your conclusion to the statement from which you drew it maybe you shouldn't mischaracterize what people say. It's easy and cheap to "summarize" what you believe is meant by a statement but it takes some actual thinking to go back and take another look and challenge your initial conclusions.


I'll invite you again to use my statements directly and bridge the gap between the statement and your conclusion. I will stand by my words unless a well thought argument shows me I'm wrong or at a minimum challenges me to rethink my wording in an effort to improve how I communicate my points. I make this in all sincerity because like free thinker noted I suspect we are more alike than not.

Otherwise I'm content to accept you are as you've described yourself and just here to make accusations and conclusions that are void of merit. I hope you'll at least engage even if ultimately we don't agree. We will at least be better for having the discussion.
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Old 03-03-2016, 12:49 PM   #63
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Again, understand that I'm not required to present my disagreement to you in exactly the way that you'd prefer just because you said that I need to. This is an informal discussion on the internet, not the Supreme Court's hearing of Happily Married v. Fat Admirers. I'm not required to follow your protocol and you don't get to dictate terms. If you weren't so insistent upon the proper way of approaching you, I'm sure I would have quoted you by now but I find that I'm a real sucker for reverse-psychology.

And again, don't mistake my unwillingness to argue within the parameters that you insist upon as a lack of review. Everything that I've "summarized" is something that you have implied. I haven't conjured any of those implications out of thin air. I haven't mischaracterized your statements. You would like me use direct quotes so you can parse words. But this isn't that nuanced. Either my summary of your views is accurate or it isn't.

Four different times you've said that a person with a fetish is attracted to the fat itself but not to the person. You've also said that a person with a fetish will never be in a committed relationship with a fat person and will only use them for occasional sexual gratification. You've placed FAs and fetishists into two distinct categories. One category being the well-behaved, normal, FAs. The other being creepy, exploitative,(my words) fetishists.

Honestly, as Free Thinker alluded to, it isn't so much that I disagree with you that these behaviors exist or that it's a problem. I'm disagreeing with your terminology. I don't think an FA is someone who is guaranteed to behave respectably nor is someone with a fetish guaranteed to act like a pig, which seems to be what you have been implying. And I think that there is far more overlap between these two groups than you're willing to admit. You seem to be trying to draw a clear line between an FA and a fetishist when it may not always be that clear cut.
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Old 03-03-2016, 01:41 PM   #64
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The are FAs fetishists question is really not worth investing much effort in.

There more important question is are people behaving like dicks. If you abuse your significant other you're a dick. The kind of abuse doesn't matter -- physical abuse -- mental abuse -- financial abuse ... they all lead to dickhood. Motivation also doesn't matter. "I hit you to show how much I care" isn't much of a justification.

Bottom line -- it matters little what you call a FA/BBW relationship. The more important thing is whether the relationship is healthy or not.
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Old 03-03-2016, 04:13 PM   #65
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The are FAs fetishists question is really not worth investing much effort in.

There more important question is are people behaving like dicks. If you abuse your significant other you're a dick. The kind of abuse doesn't matter -- physical abuse -- mental abuse -- financial abuse ... they all lead to dickhood. Motivation also doesn't matter. "I hit you to show how much I care" isn't much of a justification.

Bottom line -- it matters little what you call a FA/BBW relationship. The more important thing is whether the relationship is healthy or not.
I agree.

Despite what Brian has alleged (without validating) I've claimed, I have actually made no values judgment on FAs or fetishists. Neither are inherently bad or good simply for being one or the other. I have a few outlandish fantasies and fetishes of my own. They simply aren't tied to weight, gaining or any of that sort, hence my making a distinction between the two (while also recognizing for some there well could be overlap for others). But knowing I have my own fetishes precludes me from making judgments or being dismissive of other fetishes. I also think most people have some sort of fetish or otherwise non-sexual fixation that others would consider abnormal. I think that is one thing about fetishes that sometimes gets overlooked. If an "oddity" has any type of sexual element it's a fetish, otherwise it's just considered "quirky."

In OP's case I only floated the idea that her man could be a fetishist rather than an FA because his behavior seems consistent with other fetishists with whom I am familiar. I'll pause for this disclaimer: This is not a values statement about all fetishists! It is simply recognition of a pattern that I've seen before that happens to apply to some I know were fetishists. I recognized a pattern I've seen and floated an idea out there.

Regardless the explanation for the guy's behavior I think she has received some solid advice from many of the regulars here and am confident she will make the right decisions she needs to make for herself.
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Old 03-04-2016, 12:33 AM   #66
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I agree.

Despite what Brian has alleged (without validating) I've claimed, I have actually made no values judgment on FAs or fetishists. Neither are inherently bad or good simply for being one or the other. I have a few outlandish fantasies and fetishes of my own. They simply aren't tied to weight, gaining or any of that sort, hence my making a distinction between the two (while also recognizing for some there well could be overlap for others). But knowing I have my own fetishes precludes me from making judgments or being dismissive of other fetishes. I also think most people have some sort of fetish or otherwise non-sexual fixation that others would consider abnormal. I think that is one thing about fetishes that sometimes gets overlooked. If an "oddity" has any type of sexual element it's a fetish, otherwise it's just considered "quirky."

In OP's case I only floated the idea that her man could be a fetishist rather than an FA because his behavior seems consistent with other fetishists with whom I am familiar. I'll pause for this disclaimer: This is not a values statement about all fetishists! It is simply recognition of a pattern that I've seen before that happens to apply to some I know were fetishists. I recognized a pattern I've seen and floated an idea out there.

Regardless the explanation for the guy's behavior I think she has received some solid advice from many of the regulars here and am confident she will make the right decisions she needs to make for herself.
Thank you to not only you but everyone else. I think he has been looking at me on Facebook but still hasn't messaged me and I will not reach out to him either. As far as I am concerned, he has at least an inkling as to how I feel about him so, if he wants to talk, he knows where to find me.
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Old 03-05-2016, 06:52 AM   #67
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Thank you to not only you but everyone else. I think he has been looking at me on Facebook but still hasn't messaged me and I will not reach out to him either. As far as I am concerned, he has at least an inkling as to how I feel about him so, if he wants to talk, he knows where to find me.
It sounds like you're in a good place or at least well on your way. It's tough but it gets easier with time and you get mentally and emotionally tougher, and able to focus on what's best for you. Keep chipping away and be ready to recognize other opportunities when they present themselves. My wife and I met when I least expected it!
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Old 09-02-2016, 05:50 AM   #68
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Default Aren't we all fetishists to a degree?

Hold on a second, I don't post much, but some of these comments really have annoyed me. Happily married, don't you think all FAs are fetishists to varying degrees? I know you may not like to think your a fetishist, but we are all here because we are attracted to fat. That is a fetish. I know the word sounds derogitive. I think as a young FA emerging most are all about the sex and the fat, but as you grow older, you hopefully find someone compatible in personality as well as physical attraction. But just like "normal people" all FAs are different and vary in intensity there are also different kinds of fat fetishism eating gaining etc. so they are the same you are in the closet about being a fetushist the same way the guy in the OP is (maybe) in the closet about his attraction to her. You tell yourself it's more respectable to be FA but same god damn thing. Speaking of the OP, everyone went and got off topic, yes guys do stand off when they on the closet. I admit I have done it, I missed out on the girl of my dreams because I was too afraid to come out and admit it
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Old 09-02-2016, 06:05 AM   #69
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You cannot use a word like fetish without defining it in this context.

If you mean by fetish that we find fatter folks sexier? Yeah.

If you mean that we only find fat folks attractive
/ we find all fat folks attractive - maybe. There are varying degrees of fetishism, if you want to call it that way. For the majority, no.

I found my hubby when thin; we had amazing sex and fell in love while thin. Does his weight add hotness? Yes, but it is not a hard requirement. Is he aware of my "fetish" - yes, we have 100% transparency. Does he think that his fat is what i love? No; thats ridiculous.

So; please define what fetish means to you; then you can get a more direct response.
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Old 09-02-2016, 10:55 PM   #70
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Side conversation moved. Have at it.
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Old 09-03-2016, 07:07 AM   #71
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Originally Posted by roddles View Post
Hold on a second, I don't post much, but some of these comments really have annoyed me. Happily married, don't you think all FAs are fetishists to varying degrees? I know you may not like to think your a fetishist, but we are all here because we are attracted to fat. That is a fetish. I know the word sounds derogitive. I think as a young FA emerging most are all about the sex and the fat, but as you grow older, you hopefully find someone compatible in personality as well as physical attraction. But just like "normal people" all FAs are different and vary in intensity there are also different kinds of fat fetishism eating gaining etc. so they are the same you are in the closet about being a fetushist the same way the guy in the OP is (maybe) in the closet about his attraction to her. You tell yourself it's more respectable to be FA but same god damn thing. Speaking of the OP, everyone went and got off topic, yes guys do stand off when they on the closet. I admit I have done it, I missed out on the girl of my dreams because I was too afraid to come out and admit it
If you are attracted to fat, then I guess you are a fetishist. I am attracted to a PERSON who happens to be fat. There is a difference. At no point have I made the claim that one is better than the other; I've simply made a distinction.
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Old 09-03-2016, 07:26 AM   #72
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If you are attracted to fat, then I guess you are a fetishist. I am attracted to a PERSON who happens to be fat. There is a difference. At no point have I made the claim that one is better than the other; I've simply made a distinction.
I am attracted to people too mate, but I have also been attracted just fat itself on few occasions I am no more a fetishist than you. I am pretty sure you have made references to pure sexual attraction, in the real world, normal people call that booty call or fuck buddy, why here is it called fetishist? Wrong terminology, we are all fetishists here we are all in the FA/FFA forum because we get our rocks off over fat. If you are so happily married to a "person" then why do you March pompously around these boards proclaiming other members inferior to your fine judgement?
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Old 09-03-2016, 11:41 AM   #73
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I am attracted to people too mate, but I have also been attracted just fat itself on few occasions I am no more a fetishist than you. I am pretty sure you have made references to pure sexual attraction, in the real world, normal people call that booty call or fuck buddy, why here is it called fetishist? Wrong terminology, we are all fetishists here we are all in the FA/FFA forum because we get our rocks off over fat. If you are so happily married to a "person" then why do you March pompously around these boards proclaiming other members inferior to your fine judgement?
I am not sure why my opinion is so upsetting to you. It is, after all, just my opinion. I certainly don't expect everyone to agree with the difference I draw between an FA and someone with a fetish for fat, but it would be nice if people could disagree without letting it ruin their day.

As for the bolded portion, I challenge you to highlight where exactly I've done this. I've repeatedly said my distinction isn't a values judgment. It's no more than a distinction: a nuanced difference from one type of person to another. I've said nothing to indicated one is inherently better than another. If you feel otherwise, I welcome your specific reasons why.
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Old 09-05-2016, 07:19 PM   #74
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I think there is a misunderstanding or something was misread here. In my opinion, I don't remember anything happily_married said as ever coming off as pompous.
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Old 09-06-2016, 04:00 PM   #75
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I think there is a misunderstanding or something was misread here. In my opinion, I don't remember anything happily_married said as ever coming off as pompous.
Based on his other post in the main forum, I think it is making more sense now.
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