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Old 01-25-2017, 08:22 PM   #1
ElyBiggs
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Default Advice, please?

I'm friends with this great guy. He's smart, funny, kind, and we have a lot of the same interests. And on top of all his great personality traits, he's one of the cutest men I've ever had the pleasure of getting to know. I was extremely interested in him from the moment we first introduced ourselves to each other.
What I need help with is boosting his self-image. He's gained a bit of weight in the time I've known him, and he's really been beating himself up about it. He even told me that he wanted to lose some weight for me, despite my telling him how much I liked the way he looks, and all of the rest of him as well.
I do think he's caught on to my preferences since then, but--and I know this from my own struggle with self image--hearing that someone else finds you attractive doesn't always help you find peace with your own body.
Does anyone have experience with this? Should I just keep gently reminding him that I think he's great, inside and out, or is this something he needs to work out for himself?

EDIT: I should mention that I am not against him dieting, if that is what would truly make him happy. It's just that his claiming that he wanted to do it for me really got under my skin.
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Old 01-25-2017, 09:25 PM   #2
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Tread carefully, if he's not comfortable with his body when you try and enjoy it (grab his belly on impulse or whatnot) he will likely resent it. He says he wants to lose weight for you because he has internalized societal norms for weight and projects them on to you. He may be able to get beyond that but he may not. If he can't get beyond those internalized norms he may get very resentful and mistrusting when you appreciate him as he is.
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Old 01-26-2017, 04:17 AM   #3
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I feel like my advices always seem really horrible and stupid but I've dealt with a lot of fat guys, most of them uncomfortable with their size and I never failed. I'm pretty sure it works with guys every size.

Just be honest. And open. Simple as that. And keep in mind the seeing is believing.


I met a guy once. Stupidly self conscious, he refused to take his clothes off, was avoiding my touches and just saying dumb stuff about his body, the usual really.
Of course I told him million times he's hot and that I like fat guys blah blah blah but he was either not believing me or not fully understanding.

So I took his hand, put it in my panties and basically proved that he turns me on. Next I dragged him in from of the mirror, stood behind him and slowly started undressing him, moaning (of course I was moaning I was turned on as fuck) and telling him what I like about certain parts of his body. He was, of course, resistant at first but after few moments he went with it. I highly doubt any guy can resist a moaning soaking wet woman. It's pretty obvious.

My policy is honesty. Always. Painfull honesty. If you can't show him how much he turns you on, talk and tell him. With details. Answer all questions and address every little insecurity.

My boyfriend has the biggest tits I've ever seen. From the day I've met him I've been drooling over them. They are his biggest insecurity, like to the point of crying, and I never really cared. They're just tits and they drive me crazy, they're fucking hot and I did everything I could to make him realized my affection is real. And he did. After a few days he was sending me pictures of his gorgeous rack and now I ply with them in public and he's fine. He realized they're just tits. And there is a hot woman begging to touch them. Win win
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Old 01-26-2017, 05:51 AM   #4
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Anjula is wise, listen to her ^^^^^^^

I was basically going to say a lamer version of the same thing: don't try to convince him of the universal truth of the issue, just focus on convincing him of your feelings on it. Yes this requires you to admit pretty personal feelings quite openly. But basic stages are:

1- believe that this is how I feel
2- understand that I won't stand for anyone putting down my friend, including my frien himself. We can talk issues, but without the use weighted, nasty, phrasing that society likes to use around these things.

I think that is mostly what is in your power. Hopefully he goes further, as Anjula's boyfriend did, but that will depend on the person I think.

And sort of a side note, I'll recommend one of my favourite books "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defence" which has some very clear, practical, implementable, advice on dealing with a lot of tricky communication stuff.

Edittiadd: friends. Do you want to be more than friends, or not? It probably changes some pieces of advice.
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Old 01-26-2017, 08:14 PM   #5
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Meow-wow! Holy hotness Anjula! You are my hero

To the OP: It sounds that you are attracted to this man at any size, however, prefer him chubbier. It sounds like you have tried to tell him this, however, he is not responsive. Would he be open if you flat out said said you found his heavier body attractive and you generally prefer fat men or would he take offense? Do you feel the relationship would be lacking without the FFA aspects?

Should you take things to the next level, Id say to work on slowly getting closer to intimacy. Maybe gentle touching to start while establishing comfort, than working on moving forward sexually for him to build comfort. Find out if there are things that can help him feel more comfortable when intimate and if those are things you'd enjoy sharing.

Patience is key. A lot of fat guys feel shame and undesirability. Keep an open dialogue about what you both want. Good luck!
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Old 01-26-2017, 08:54 PM   #6
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Thank you guys for your responses!

Dewesterny, I do intend to tread carefully; those are some of the things I fear most about being open with my affection for him, especially now. I get the feeling that his ex-girlfriend may have been overly-critical about his weight, as apparently he'd put on quite a bit when he was with her too, and that that adds to the complication of the situation.

Anjula and Tad, we have had a couple tipsy hookups, and I think the lowered inhibitions and my obvious physical signs of attraction (wetness especially, since he commented on it several times throughout) to him did help his confidence in the moment. I've also lain on top of him and nuzzled up against his belly before, and he seemed a little weirded out at first, asking what I was doing, but I was honest and told him I liked it and that it was super comfortable. He accepted it easily enough, though he did call me strange for it.
The best way to describe where we are, relationship-wise, is probably a "flirtationship," and while I definitely want our relationship to evolve into something more, I don't think he's quite over his ex. He has revealed that he has feelings for me though, so maybe there's hope.

Rabbitislove, this is true for the most part. It's kind of funny, he actually told me that he prefers chubbier girls like myself to thinner girls, but I don't know for sure how he'd react if I were to be so to the point with him. And no, it definitely wouldn't be lacking without the FFA aspect, but I do tend to show a lot of my love through cooking and food related gifts, and if he were not able to fully receive that, I'd have to work hard to show affection some other way.


An update: We've gone out for lunch the past three days after work, and he mentioned that he was probably going to give up dieting just today. I reassured him that either way, he'd be making a good choice, and that I wanted him to be happy and enjoy himself. He loves food, and it's nice to see him relax and enjoy it, and as much of it as he'd like, at least every now and then.
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Old 01-27-2017, 06:37 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by rabbitislove View Post
Meow-wow! Holy hotness Anjula! You are my hero
Thanks love. It's mutually beneficial because their shyness turns me on, I love watching it melt in my hands. In the end we are both happy.


Ely! I'm happy thing are looking positive. He doesn't seem overly insecure so things should go smoothly after he realizes that you enjoy him fat. Fingers crossed and keep us updated!
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Old 01-27-2017, 07:44 AM   #8
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On how all of this works out, my sample size is one, the relationship between my wife and myself. Not sure how much it is worth, but I think that even anecdote is better than almost no data (even if my anecdotes aren’t hot like Anjulas!)

It took me a long time to convince my wife that I preferred her being fat (as opposed to just being polite about it or something), and even then she pretty much chose to classify me as benignly eccentric rather than accepting that this was a reasonably valid opinion that a fair number of others may share. But she herself is not an FA of others, so it is probably a harder road to see the appeal than for someone who is some degree of FA himself.

Even the partial acceptance that we got to was worth it. She relaxed about her weight and size somewhat, admitted that she enjoys the feel of tummy kisses, and doesn’t tense up if I squeeze or knead her chubbier areas. So I do encourage you to keep working at this, every bit of acceptance is good, even if you never get all the way to the nirvana of him actively liking his own chub.

One thought about something to do, if he is experiencing size/weight related doubts that he expresses to him, ask him to listen to those thoughts in his head, and see if he can tell whose voice it is? Is it really his, or is it another voice that he’s internalized (his ex, his father, Dr. Phil, whoever)? You probably can’t phrase it quite this bluntly but it can help to get the point across, and may help him to distinguish between ‘what he thinks he is supposed to feel’ and what he spontaneously feels. (in my personal experience my wife rejected the idea that the voices were not hers naturally, but right about the same time is when she began to relax on a bunch of these issues, so …. Maybe helped? Maybe coincidence?)
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Old 01-27-2017, 08:04 AM   #9
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Its tough situation. I understand where he's coming from. Most of the time I really hate being reminded that I'm fat. Over the years most of the women I've met have either disliked my size or merely tolerated it.

Several times I've managed to loose enough weight to be considered "normal". Its amazing how differently society treats you when you're not fat. Unfortunately I've never been able to stay at an "acceptable" weight for more than a few years. I have an appointment at a weight loss surgeon's office this afternoon.
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Old 01-27-2017, 08:45 AM   #10
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My wife was mid-sized when we met, but she thought she was enormous. Her parents had made a career out of nagging her about her weight, and her ex-husband had left her for a thinner woman. She was surprised -- and a little baffled -- by my enthusiasm for her curves, but she liked it. Whenever we passed a BBW, she would ask, "Do you think she's attractive?" to which I would usually reply, "No, I think she's drop-dead gorgeous." Eventually she accepted the fact that she had married an eccentric, and as she gained weight in middle age it ceased to bother her. My point is that it's a long-term project, but with patience and consistency you can sometimes help someone see his/her beauty. Which is totally worth it.
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Old 01-27-2017, 01:19 PM   #11
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All the advice given so far has been great. Some guys are on the edge, and really just need someone to reassure them that they are attractive and awesome (and a hot woman REALLY does not hurt). Others have much deeper issues, sometimes related to abuse, PTSD, eating disorders, etc, that can only be resolved with a lot of effort on their behalf.

If you really get to know him and are willing to invest the time, you can try to figure out which kind of guy you're dealing with, and react accordingly.

ETA: my bf gained ~60 lbs just before we got together and was not pleased with it. We've been together for a few years now, and a few weeks ago I heard him consoling a friend who had also gained weight, saying, "it used to bother me, but then I started sleeping with her, and now I don't care."
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Old 01-27-2017, 02:35 PM   #12
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I heard him consoling a friend who had also gained weight, saying, "it used to bother me, but then I started sleeping with her, and now I don't care."
He is pretty damn lucky, you're at least 63 different kinds of awesome.
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Old 01-31-2017, 01:37 PM   #13
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He is pretty damn lucky, you're at least 63 different kinds of awesome.
Likewise
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