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Old 09-21-2015, 01:51 PM   #51
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I'm not too sold on any logic that says 'if you are not turned on by your partner any more, the relationship is over.' At risk of offending older posters - and I'm middle-aged myself - it is probably true that most people's first preference is not to have an aged lover. Yet many seniors have quite satisfying sex lives, I'm told. Obviously, they are able to work around the fact that their partner is no longer the luscious young thing they married. And if we took the stance that our partner has to be what turns us on, most marriages would not last past middle age.

My two cents are that part of the issue with weight loss is that it tends to occur too suddenly. They diet, hey presto, within months they're much thinner. Our lovers' bodies are meant to change gradually, over time, and this gradual quality gives us lots and lots of time to adjust, such that, indeed, we barely notice the changes. That, I suspect, is how we can continue to find our partners attractive over many years despite the aging process. But with a sudden weight loss (or, in the non-FA world, a sudden weight gain), it's much harder to adjust. Or so I'd guess.

And incidentally, on the whole 'need/want' thing, of course we do not NEED sex. It is a strong drive and in that sense much more potent than, say, my 'desire' for a pint of beer or to watch the ball game. But millions of people have lived fulfilling lives without it. Abstinence is a real option, albeit a tough one.
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Old 10-05-2015, 12:40 PM   #52
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Since I have got so many good advice I thought it would be fair to update you on how things have gone. I am happy to say that my wife and I have got our sex life going again. We have solved the problem with role play. She fakes disliking her new thinner body and says she wants to gain back 45 lbs. That gets me going. I am not a feeder but I find it sexy with weight gain so this makes things work.

I am very happy that we could solve our crisis. I will always miss her bigger body but over all things are better like they are now. Finally I once again want to thank all of you who took the time to give me advice on this matter. It was very much apreciated.
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Old 10-05-2015, 12:58 PM   #53
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Congrats!!!
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Old 01-28-2017, 10:47 AM   #54
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In my view, when a girl or woman expresses a sincere desire to be thin, that's a warning sign. This is because only two things can result from it. Either she'll be thin one day, or else she'll fail and be unhappy. In either case, I can't be happy about the results.

That said, at least with the former outcome, one of us can be happy, so I tend to just wish her the best. If the person was my wife, I would be inconsolable, because my only way out would be through fiction, but I would at least want her to know what my problem was, so that we could deal with it together. You never know. There might be other solutions if you both put your heads together.
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Old 01-29-2017, 05:49 AM   #55
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In my view, when a girl or woman expresses a sincere desire to be thin, that's a warning sign. This is because only two things can result from it. Either she'll be thin one day, or else she'll fail and be unhappy. In either case, I can't be happy about the results.

That said, at least with the former outcome, one of us can be happy, so I tend to just wish her the best. If the person was my wife, I would be inconsolable, because my only way out would be through fiction, but I would at least want her to know what my problem was, so that we could deal with it together. You never know. There might be other solutions if you both put your heads together.
I think you'd be surprised what you're capable of when you love someone. A few years ago my wife thinned down, shedding roughly 1/3 of her highest weight total. At points along the way she had expressed concern that I'd lose interest in her but I was legitimately happy because I saw how happy she was. She grew confident and assertive, something I find very appealing in her. I was rooting for her to keep going until she reached whatever goals she had set for herself. Unfortunately for her she got really sick at one point and all progress stopped. Then she held steady for a few months at a level a little higher than the weight she'd reached before she got sick. Now it's all back plus some extra. Over the holidays she informed me she was heavier than ever before. As much as I love what I have, beam with pride when we're in public together, enjoy what we have in our marriage, etc, I know she is unhappy and will again try to thin out. And when she's ready to get serious and do it, I'll be in her corner once again.

PS: The assertiveness she gained when she lost weight didn't go away with her subsequent regaining of weight, and with that a great degree of confidence, not so much in her body but in her position in our marriage. She doesn't order me around or keep me on a short leash; in fact she is incredibly pleasant and fun to be with. But she's definitely in charge and knows it. I love strong women so this is good news for me!
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Old 01-29-2017, 09:43 AM   #56
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I think you'd be surprised what you're capable of when you love someone. A few years ago my wife thinned down, shedding roughly 1/3 of her highest weight total. At points along the way she had expressed concern that I'd lose interest in her but I was legitimately happy because I saw how happy she was. She grew confident and assertive, something I find very appealing in her. I was rooting for her to keep going until she reached whatever goals she had set for herself. Unfortunately for her she got really sick at one point and all progress stopped. Then she held steady for a few months at a level a little higher than the weight she'd reached before she got sick. Now it's all back plus some extra. Over the holidays she informed me she was heavier than ever before. As much as I love what I have, beam with pride when we're in public together, enjoy what we have in our marriage, etc, I know she is unhappy and will again try to thin out. And when she's ready to get serious and do it, I'll be in her corner once again.

PS: The assertiveness she gained when she lost weight didn't go away with her subsequent regaining of weight, and with that a great degree of confidence, not so much in her body but in her position in our marriage. She doesn't order me around or keep me on a short leash; in fact she is incredibly pleasant and fun to be with. But she's definitely in charge and knows it. I love strong women so this is good news for me!
I'm very happy that things worked out well for you, but I'm sorry. I just don't think it would be that easy for me. An experience like this would be an emotional roller coaster, where at times, I would be (1) glad she was happy, but at the same time, (2) shying away due to feeling uncomfortable around her. I have never in my life been able to completely overcome my reserved and reclusive impulses around thinner people, no matter how much I loved them or cared about them. Even with my closest relatives, like my brothers and my parents, while I may feel comfortable talking to them, I never come away from the experience thinking it was easy, or that I'm glad I spent the time talking to them. On the other hand, my project and department supervisors at work, both of whom are heavier than me, I feel like I can talk to them freely about everything that's going on in my life, and I never feel worse when I'm done, even when one of them really gets on my case for missing something I should have caught.

Emotions are weird, uncontrollable beasts.

P.S.: In a way, I envy you. From the sounds of things, your emotional stimulii/response set is malleable, and can change based on circumstances, and mine never has.

Last edited by TwoSwords; 01-29-2017 at 09:49 AM. Reason: Something else to add.
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Old 01-29-2017, 12:59 PM   #57
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P.S.: In a way, I envy you. From the sounds of things, your emotional stimulii/response set is malleable, and can change based on circumstances, and mine never has.
It's quite simple for me: I value the person above a given height and weight. Sure, I have a preference for height and weight like anyone else but I don't define my wife by these numbers. There's a complete person there just under her skin!
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Old 01-30-2017, 07:16 AM   #58
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In my view, when a girl or woman expresses a sincere desire to be thin, that's a warning sign. This is because only two things can result from it. Either she'll be thin one day, or else she'll fail and be unhappy. In either case, I can't be happy about the results.
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I'm very happy that things worked out well for you, but I'm sorry. I just don't think it would be that easy for me. An experience like this would be an emotional roller coaster, where at times, I would be (1) glad she was happy, but at the same time, (2) shying away due to feeling uncomfortable around her.
It reads like you are veering back and forth a bit between thinking 'this is how it must be' and 'this is how it has always been for me, and I don't see it changing.' That second one is totally valid as a feeling (although I think you may not give yourself enough credit on being able to change, even people who feel very unchangeable tend to change over time from an outsider's perspective), but as HappilyMarried demonstrated, it is far from a universal rule that there are only those two outcomes.

Aside from what HM narrated (and that regain is obviously a pretty common occurrence), there have been quite a few examples on these boards over the years of women who have dieted hard to get much thinner than they were, then realized how the effort to be thin was just all consuming, that the only way they could be thin was by almost torturing themselves -- and then resolved to come to terms with their body. Some came to love their softer selves, others just work towards acceptance. There have also been cases where the desire to be thinner waned over time with an FA partner -- not that they wouldn't mind being thinner, but they come to appreciate that their life is pretty good and don't have such a strong desire to disrupt it. And yet again, some lose weight, realize that it doesn't fix everything in their life, and fall out of love with the ideal of being thin. And yet more, some lose weight, gain confidence in knowing that they can do it, and then don't feel so bad about being bigger.

Are those the majority of cases? I don't think so. But have seen examples of all of those here over the years.

Basically I think things are not as black and white as you have perceived them to be. Now, if you are more comfortable with the black and white, and dealing with life on those terms makes things better for you, I'll back off. But if you want try and see things in a way that opens up more options, I'm willing to keep talking on the topic.
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Old 01-30-2017, 10:45 AM   #59
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I can empathize by your loss of sexual chemistry. This is often a relationship killer. Love won't be enough. What do you want realistically for your future?
I have had a partner lose weight but it didn't slow my desire. Good luck but don't deceive yourself or her.
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Old 01-30-2017, 11:22 AM   #60
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I can empathize by your loss of sexual chemistry. This is often a relationship killer. Love won't be enough. What do you want realistically for your future?
I have had a partner lose weight but it didn't slow my desire. Good luck but don't deceive yourself or her.
Erm, I don't think that you can know what will and won't be enough in anyone else's relationship. Maybe it wouldn't be with you or your partner(s), but people vary tremendously.
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Old 01-30-2017, 12:19 PM   #61
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Erm, I don't think that you can know what will and won't be enough in anyone else's relationship. Maybe it wouldn't be with you or your partner(s), but people vary tremendously.
They will obviously decide. Sexual chemistry needs to exist in some form to distinguish your relationship from a friendship.Though painful, when your in love with someone you are not sexual attracted to - at least for anyone who wants to include sexuality ( He has told us, he has), how can it be healthy?
How ignoring your lack of sexual attraction for a partner can destroy a relationship: You will make yourself prone to sexual infidelity. You will hurt your partner by constant rejecting her (unless,of course, she becomes not attracted to you, either). You will miss the opportunity to bond in a way in which you do not bond with anyone else. It becomes a compatibility time bomb.
That is 'playing the odds' versus the exceptions.
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Old 01-30-2017, 12:37 PM   #62
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Sure "the odds are" or "for most people in your situation" or something like that, I'll agree with that. I don't know your intent, but the way you wrote it, it was rather like you had calculated a formula and were informing him that the planned payment scheme would not cover the principle in four years time. People are rather notorious for not being so easy to predict.

Basically: I'd consider it more respectful not to tell people what WILL happen with them, but to find ways to express your ideas and concerns in a way that communicates your point, but leaves room for human free will and the fact that you have incomplete information about the situation.
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Old 01-31-2017, 01:20 PM   #63
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Its interesting that most of this thread has concentrated on the guy's sexual attraction to his wife. Another possibility is that a now thin wife will decide that she's not really attracted to her husband and feel that she's now in a position to get someone better.
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Old 01-31-2017, 03:31 PM   #64
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It's quite simple for me: I value the person above a given height and weight. Sure, I have a preference for height and weight like anyone else but I don't define my wife by these numbers. There's a complete person there just under her skin!
Umm... I'm afraid I must not have expressed this well enough. See, I value deeper qualities too (ethics, abilities, commitments, etc,)... on a non-emotional level. Yes, I recognize, consciously, the hierarchy of what traits are most important for a person to have, but it never has any effect on my emotional state at all. That was what I meant when I said that my feelings weren't malleable in that sense.
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Old 01-31-2017, 03:39 PM   #65
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It reads like you are veering back and forth a bit between thinking 'this is how it must be' and 'this is how it has always been for me, and I don't see it changing.' That second one is totally valid as a feeling (although I think you may not give yourself enough credit on being able to change, even people who feel very unchangeable tend to change over time from an outsider's perspective), but as HappilyMarried demonstrated, it is far from a universal rule that there are only those two outcomes.
Maybe you're right. Maybe there are other possible outcomes. But I can't change what feelings I have; only what feelings I express. Even then, there are times when I feel so strongly, that I'm afraid I'll explode if I don't express it... which is why I'm here.

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Aside from what HM narrated (and that regain is obviously a pretty common occurrence), there have been quite a few examples on these boards over the years of women who have dieted hard to get much thinner than they were, then realized how the effort to be thin was just all consuming, that the only way they could be thin was by almost torturing themselves -- and then resolved to come to terms with their body.
I guess I just haven't been reading the right testimonies over the course of my life.

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Are those the majority of cases? I don't think so. But have seen examples of all of those here over the years.
I've only just joined the board, so the only examples I've seen have come from my own life. Am I being too negative based on incomplete information? Maybe.

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Basically I think things are not as black and white as you have perceived them to be. Now, if you are more comfortable with the black and white, and dealing with life on those terms makes things better for you, I'll back off. But if you want try and see things in a way that opens up more options, I'm willing to keep talking on the topic.
I can only make the best judgments I can, based on where the evidence points, to arrive at the most reasonable conclusions. My experiences have taught me to expect just what I said.
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Old 01-31-2017, 06:43 PM   #66
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Umm... I'm afraid I must not have expressed this well enough. See, I value deeper qualities too (ethics, abilities, commitments, etc,)... on a non-emotional level. Yes, I recognize, consciously, the hierarchy of what traits are most important for a person to have, but it never has any effect on my emotional state at all. That was what I meant when I said that my feelings weren't malleable in that sense.
Certainly. I wasn't accusing you of not valuing those things. But notice my use of the words "for me" in my explanation. I'm simply sharing with you how I'm able to rationalize and adjust when my wife's physical characteristics change.
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Old 01-31-2017, 09:21 PM   #67
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Its interesting that most of this thread has concentrated on the guy's sexual attraction to his wife. Another possibility is that a now thin wife will decide that she's not really attracted to her husband and feel that she's now in a position to get someone better.
Re: the 'fat person loses weight and now can do better than an (F)FA' line of thinking. This is cringy to me in that it implies fat people lack relationship agency while fat, but will somehow be free to achieve relationship Nirvana with a non-FA when they get thinner. And the coup de grace? Non-FAs are essentially 'someone better.' That's probably not what you're *really* saying, but the words did strike me as a bit ick.

FWIW on the general topic, I'd never dump my man over weight loss, our vows way transcended that and I'd be a fool to lose him over it (despite the fact that I can admit honestly to myself that would be sexually devastated if he were suddenly straight up thin). Fortunately he is smart enough not to diet because he already learned that yo-yo-ing would only make him fatter. He also knows he's free to eat wtf-ever or exercise when-tf-ever he wants as well - because he's his own man. And its that last part that is MOST attractive.
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Old 02-01-2017, 04:06 AM   #68
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Certainly. I wasn't accusing you of not valuing those things. But notice my use of the words "for me" in my explanation. I'm simply sharing with you how I'm able to rationalize and adjust when my wife's physical characteristics change.
I would probably have the very same rational reasons for being accepting of a change, it just wouldn't make much difference emotionally. My point was just that if your feelings change on the basis of a good reason...

...Well, in that case, you're most fortunate.
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Old 02-01-2017, 04:11 AM   #69
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And the coup de grace? Non-FAs are essentially 'someone better.' That's probably not what you're *really* saying, but the words did strike me as a bit ick.
It is definitely icky, and horrible to think that anyone would think like that. Still, I have to admit that I have definitely been treated as less of a person because of my feelings about fatness, so as horrible as it might be, (and a bit unlikely, in cases where a relationship has lasted a while,) it's not as alien a fear as we might like to think.
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Old 02-01-2017, 05:53 AM   #70
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There are certainly many people in relationships that are not great, in any number of ways and sometimes a change in another part of can lead people to decide to make a change there too. And some people are very status driven and feel they should have the highest status partner they can. And more ... not everyone who loses weight would ditch their partner, but there are lots of possible reasons that one would.

ETA: Back in pre Web days I scoured the public library for anything fat related, which led me to reading "Fat is a Feminist Issue". It had no mention of FA, but said that some husbands would want their wives to be fat to reduce the chance that other men would try to win her affections. As an FA I found that offensive, but presuming that it is true in some cases, if fat was being used as a control mechanism that would surely fall into the " not great relationship" category and I could totally imagine someone leaving after losing the weight.
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Old 02-01-2017, 10:23 AM   #71
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The discussion in this thread imo shows the necessity to differentiate between relationships and what I would like to call arrangements.

Relationships are based on mutual love, respect and the acceptance of the partner as a complete and autonomous persona.

Arrangements are two people who are together because they feel they need to be part of a couple, even if the person or constellation for them is not (or even far from) their envisioned ideal. It's some sort of compromise.

Many of these "arrangements" I meet IRL baffle me, given that there no longer is the social, economic and sometimes even legal necessity and pressure to be in a - at best legalized - couple status. Still, I know enough women who make more compromises to have a man at their side than they would be willing to for almost anything else in life.
I've seen it with men too, though am empirically not as well versed because these mostly are things you open up about to friends of your own gender.

Such a compromise package for establishing an arrangement consists of a number of elements - size possibly being one of them. And if the elements that held together the package change radically, well then the entire thing is likely to disintegrate. Meaning the reasons for the couple arrangement are no longer all in place and it comes to an end.

Maybe a slightly cynical view of things -but from something that truly is a relationship, the "for better or worse" does apply.
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Old 02-01-2017, 07:56 PM   #72
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashblonde View Post
Re: the 'fat person loses weight and now can do better than an (F)FA' line of thinking. This is cringy to me in that it implies fat people lack relationship agency while fat, but will somehow be free to achieve relationship Nirvana with a non-FA when they get thinner. And the coup de grace? Non-FAs are essentially 'someone better.' That's probably not what you're *really* saying, but the words did strike me as a bit ick.

...
Unfortunately this has indeed been my experience.
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Old 02-01-2017, 10:45 PM   #73
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Originally Posted by Xyantha Reborn View Post
Men are inherently sexual - but many women's libidos are almost as high as mens. If I had my way, I would be having sex every god damn day (sometimes multiple) with my husband, and it does create feelings of frustration and sometimes hurt that his drive isn't as high as mine. So lets not say that sexual instinct or needs are male based only. His wife may be crawling up his leg to have sex now that she is feeling slim and sexy - he may just not be in a position to reciprocate.
...

I personally do not believe in open marriages. To me, you are either with that person solely, or you are dating. And it is almost always seems to be proposed by men.
aw Xyanthaaaaaaaaaaa whyyyyyyyyy please don't say things like this, we agree on so much.... including sex drive!!!!!!! both my boyfriends are unable to completely satisfy my lust.

as someone who's heavily involved in open communities I have so much evidence that open relationships are not almost always proposed by men. i myself am in position of trying to keep my relationship with my two bfs when both of them would somewhat prefer i be monogamous with them. having more than one partner eases the burden on me for a lot of things considerably, and having more than one 'man in the house' makes a lot of things easier. some things tougher but a lot of things easier.
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Old 02-01-2017, 10:53 PM   #74
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from my px, on the original topic... my SSBHM boyfriend? i really am looking forward to his achieving his goal of losing weight. i think i'll post the rest of what i wanted to say on this topic in something like the health and fitness board or something.
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