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Old 02-04-2017, 11:09 AM   #1
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Hi all. Ive had a question mulling around in my head for a while based on my own experiences and wondered what the experiences of you fine folk were.

FFAs: Have you noticed that when you talk about being an FFA that women and men respond differently to you? Does one group respond more positively or negatively? Have you dealt with anger and internalized self loathing from BHM you have dated in the past?

BHMs: Were you automatically accepting of FFAs you met or did you struggle to accept that FFAs do exist living in a fatphobic culture? What would you want FFAs to know before dating a BHM?

I hope this didnt come off as sexist or trying to state that one sex is superior or better than the others. I believe in equality and try to live what I believe.
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Old 02-04-2017, 11:55 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by rabbitislove View Post
BHMs: Were you automatically accepting of FFAs you met or did you struggle to accept that FFAs do exist living in a fatphobic culture? What would you want FFAs to know before dating a BHM?
I still have moments of doubt as to my own physical appeal despite evidence to the contrary that are pretty deeply ingrained, it's tough to overcome many, many years of social conditioning. I know I'm awesome but there are still times when my jerkbrain rears up and thinks stuff "omg she's gonna be so grossed out by that mound of fat!". Stupid jerkbrain...
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Old 02-04-2017, 08:58 PM   #3
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FFAs: Have you noticed that when you talk about being an FFA that women and men respond differently to you? Does one group respond more positively or negatively? Have you dealt with anger and internalized self loathing from BHM you have dated in the past?

BHMs: Were you automatically accepting of FFAs you met or did you struggle to accept that FFAs do exist living in a fatphobic culture? What would you want FFAs to know before dating a BHM?
Pretty much all the men I've told have responded very positively. Even the non-BHMs I've "rejected" seemed happy to know that such a preference exists in the world. The women's reactions have been more varied. Some have delightedly confessed the same attraction, or something similarly unconventional. Others were nice, but made no effort to hide their disappointment that I couldn't relate to all the mainstream ogling.

As for the other question.... yes. Most people would like you to not-mind the larger body types. But actually being attracted to something that we're socialised to be averse to; and something that's implicated in so many health issues... that can be hard to understand. Even for a partner who longs to be found attractive.
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Old 02-05-2017, 10:42 AM   #4
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FFA's are extremely rare creatures. I'm not sure I've ever met one in real life. What I am sure of is that several of my partners merely tolerated the fact I'm 75 pounds overweight.
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Old 02-05-2017, 02:35 PM   #5
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Honestly - I've never met an FA in real life either.

Only seen a few, then of the scary feeder type on crazy TV shows (where we all don't know if they are real or scripted).

Outright FFA neither. But many women who were very laid back about loving a little to quite a lot more meat on their guys.

I also think the age component plays an important role in this entire question.

Most people over time become more sure of themselves and find it easier to shrug off peer pressure. Also, with age, looks no longer play the dominant role they do among young people and standards become more relaxed.

But for all fat people it boils down to how do you deal with this question

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, it's tough to overcome many, many years of social conditioning.
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Old 02-05-2017, 03:41 PM   #6
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I guess I'm weird because I've met FAs and FFAs in person before.

Admittedly, they probably don't know enough about the internet culture surrounding it all the understand those terms, but they definitely fit the 'prefers fat partners' bit.

Back to the original question... it is hard for me to say how groups of people react because I don't go around telling many people about sexuality. I'm just a very private person when it comes to that sort of thing, I suppose. Very few people IRL know I am asexual, or that I like girls as well as guys, either and that's not because I'm in any way ashamed or anything, I just don't see that it is anybody else's business.

My mother thinks I'm insane for liking fat people. My best friend told me that she prefers fatter partners as well. Those are the only two people I remember explicitly saying I like fat people to.
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Old 02-05-2017, 05:00 PM   #7
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This is more anecdotal than an answer to your question Rabbit, but I figured I'd share.

There was this girl who worked on the top floor of my building. I used to go up there pretty much daily because my company rents extra office space up there. I always said hi and asked a question or two and said thanks to her. I caught her one day telling another coworker that I was also so nice and was the only one in the whole building who would stop and say hello.

So her last day in that building came. I got her a card and a donut. I just said thanks for everything and best of luck on her new venture. This was about three weeks ago.

Just this last friday, a mutual friend of ours came up to me and said "Hey, you remember X, I met up with her for a drink. She asked me if I could pass on her information. She wants to meet up with you." I very quickly said "why? Does she need help moving?" (As I own a truck). His response was "no, she wants to get to know you."

Much like Judex said, after year and years of social conditioning, my first thought is never "oh man, they want this," it's always "what do they want/need from me?"
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Old 02-05-2017, 05:11 PM   #8
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Non-FAs just generally don't get it at all. Like it doesn't compute when they're like "OMG THAT GUY IS SO HAWT" and I'm like 'eh... not my type.'

Not dissimilar to how my bisexuality is conveniently erased by many folks.

It's so funny that people will just let these sorts of things go in one ear and out the other, they don't know how to respond.
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Old 02-05-2017, 07:34 PM   #9
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It's so funny that people will just let these sorts of things go in one ear and out the other, they don't know how to respond.
Maybe the reason these things go in one ear and out the other is because there's nothing in there big enough to impede their passage?
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Old 02-05-2017, 10:52 PM   #10
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Maybe the reason these things go in one ear and out the other is because there's nothing in there big enough to impede their passage?
Lol, I hesitate to assume this though. My own intellectual prowess is far from equal to many highly intelligent people's.
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Old 02-05-2017, 11:27 PM   #11
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Due to a lot of different factors I am generally really terrible at verbally talking about anything sexual.

I have never really had a female irl that I felt comfortable talking to about FA stuff. I think I briefly made a mention of liking bigger guys to one friend who just went "oh" and changed the subject.

The BHMs I've talked to about it irl were ones I've been interested in. Even with online friends the reaction is usually "really?!? Girls are into that?" But they've been on board pretty quick once I can uh.... show them....how much I like it.
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Old 02-06-2017, 09:21 AM   #12
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I have only dated one FFA. Think she just liked big guys because she thought they might be easier to fool. I wouldn't have a problem with an FFA telling me she likes fat guys. I wouldn't have a problem with her showing it either. Now if that is all she liked about me that might be a problem. If something happen, and I had to lose weight I would be concerned. Honestly I don't now if I have ever met a FFA that I didn't meet online. I have said this before that I have trouble telling if a girl is flirting or being friendly. Made the mistake to many times where I had feelings for her, but she didn't have the same feeling.
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Old 02-06-2017, 09:56 AM   #13
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I generally consider myself sub-BHM, but grew up chubby enough that if affected my view of such things. Then again I was also fairly open about nerdy interests in a time and place where those were still looked down upon, had to start wearing glasses in sixth grade, stopped growing at 13 and so quickly went from one of the taller boys to one of the shorter ones, and generally have various other factors that made me not expect women to be interested in me. And it certainly never crossed my mind that any would be interested in me because of those factors rather than despite them -- despite being an FA who always liked women with quirks in their personality and who thought women in glasses were just smashing, and occasionally crushing on a few cute chubby guys too.

Quick illustration of how pervasive such blinkers could be. In middle school I'd had a crush on C, D, and E, the first two of whom were chubby and the last was thin but just had something about her that intrigued me. We came from different neighborhoods so I never knew their families at all, and for highschool we all scattered to different schools, but in grade nine E invited me to a couple of parties and we had one or two sort-of-dates, but I was too romantically clueless and busy in my own world to have a relationship at that point so it was no surprise when things faded out -- and I figured also that as she got more established in her new school she'd have gotten to know more appealing guys.

I encountered E near the end of high school and we had a great conversation, and it came out that she was now dating C's older brother. I came away figuring that we could have been good friends, but it never would have worked out romantically as she'd eventually fallen for a hunky, broad shouldered, older guy. This helped confirm my expectation that thin women and I would never be a thing.

About twenty years later, it suddenly hit me one day: I had no idea what C's brother looked like, having never met him. And given that C had been fairly chubby by the start of middle school, the odds were actually quite decent that her brother was not particularly thin either. That in fact E may have been some sort of budding FFA, although possibly for only small amounts of fat. (I admit that I did make an effort to find her on facebook after that just to see who she may have ended up with, but to no avail.)

It literally took me two decades of maturing, including a decade of exposure to the online size acceptance community, to even realize the possibility that anyone could ever have been interested in me because I wasn't thin rather than despite it. And as I said, I'm not and never have been a full-fledged BHM (despite loving the look). I'd imagine that this conditioning would only tend to be stronger for those who were fatter in formative years.
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Old 02-06-2017, 12:39 PM   #14
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Judging from everyone else's posts, there doesn't seem to be one generalization for this. Personally, every woman I've told has been 100% supportive of the idea, and often comments that she's had some degree of similar experience.

Guys, however, usually have a very negative reaction. If they are thin, they act like they're disgusted, or become a bit aggressive, or start with the whole, "you just haven't been with very good guys, if that's what you think you want" thing. If they are fat, they become confused, and also seem somewhat disgusted. Overall, they act like something is wrong with me, with the occasional exception.
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Old 02-06-2017, 07:30 PM   #15
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... Honestly I don't now if I have ever met a FFA that I didn't meet online. I have said this before that I have trouble telling if a girl is flirting or being friendly. Made the mistake to many times where I had feelings for her, but she didn't have the same feeling.
Join the club. From many years of experience I've concluded its best to assume they're just being friendly. Nothing worse than letting a girl know you like them in a romantic way and seeing a look of horror come over her face. If a girl fancies a guy in a romantic way she'll let the guy know -- until that happens its best to assume you're just a "friend".
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Old 02-07-2017, 08:41 AM   #16
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Most of the time when I finally told them there was some adult beverages involved. I think you are right about not telling them.
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Old 02-07-2017, 09:01 AM   #17
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One component we haven't addressed here - and I think it plays a huge role in self-perception and self-identification and thus also in how one responds to others - is when in life (and how) someone got fat.

The issue of over-coming social conditioning djudex wrote about - in my experience that only applies to men and women who grew up fat respectively were fat during formative years.
It's the endless taunting in school, by parents and doctors, peers that leaves the emotional insecurities and impaired feelings of self-worth.
That amount of psychological harm can no longer be inflicted on a (more or less) mature adult with an at least somewhat consolidated self-image.

I have yet to meet someone IRL who has any serious hang-ups or issues about getting fat later in life; as adults or middle-age spread.
(Only exception, female floozies who self-identified exclusively over their good looks).

The two best looking jocks in my graduation class now both sport >50" guts - and are absolutely cool about it. Did things like eating leftovers -contests at our high school reunion. One of my closest friends, the cutesy size 6 blonde in grad school, now has the same dress size I do - and is unbothered about that, still sees herself as the attractive blonde.

Has anybody else made similar observations - also in the context of rabbit-il's original question when actually addressing the issue?
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Old 02-07-2017, 09:13 AM   #18
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I used to struggle with the idea of a woman finding me attractive. Then as I got to know more women, and started dating more women, I gained a lot of confidence. I've been with women who admire big guys, and for whom I was a rare exception.

I think once I expanded my mind, built up my social standing a bit, and developed some more talent in my hobbies, I personally found the idea of being sexually attractive more feasible. Suddenly I wasn't the neckbeard sitting in his childhood bedroom, I was the [insert my skills here] living in his childhood bedroom, and that was at least something.

The one thing I've noticed is that, when I'm dating or in a relationship with an attractive girl, other men are the only ones to seem to have an issue with it. Most other women will see me with a gal and think we're an adorable couple, or comment on how pretty she is, or at the very least congratulate our happiness. Most other men become aggressive, assume I'm being played, think I'm paying her, or try to swerve on my partner right in front of me, assuming she's only with me because she can't find anyone better.

I know this is kinda petty, but I'm not going to lie, I love watching the girls I'm with shoot down fuck boys who think they can "steal her from me" because I'm a big guy.
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Old 02-08-2017, 04:49 AM   #19
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That's a really good and interesting point, agouderia. Funny enough, as introspective as I tend to be on this subject, I've never really thought about the differences between my perceptions on being fat and those who became fat later in life. I've known several people who became fat post-childhood and, just like you observed, they have nowhere near the amount of hang ups about it that I do -- heck, my dad is a perfect example of this. He could walk around a crowded shopping mall in his whities and no shits would be given, heh. I think I forget sometimes just how crucial those formative years are on influencing who we become. Being harassed more or less on a daily basis, while you're trying to grow into yourself, takes its toll, to say the least. I still carry some of that shit around.

In response to the OP, I would have sooner believed Arnold Schwarzenegger could legitimately give birth (god, what a weird movie premise) via Danny DeVito than to think there were girls who liked fat guys. I'm only kind of exaggerating; it was honestly about that alien a concept to me at the time. Looking back on it, I remember a girl in Junior High who I was told had a crush on me and a fat friend of mine, so I guess she was probably the one and only in-person experience I've had with an FFA. Even then, I would have never guessed she liked us for being twice the size of our peers. It wasn't until I stumbled upon Dims that the reality of fat admiration dawned on me. That's interesting since I was very familiar with men being attracted to chubby/fat women. But women liking fat guys? Get the fuck outta here. It was a liberating discovery and I don't think there's any chance I'd be nearly this happy, emotionally-contented, and fulfilled if I hadn't come here and experienced that acceptance first-hand. And of course, met the most amazing woman I've ever known

All I would say to an FFA on the verge of a prospective relationship is to gauge the situation and be patient if the BHM seems to be taking things slow. If he grew up fat (as many of us did), chances are he will be harboring a sizable amount of emotional baggage and it can take some time to get through it. I'm definitely not saying that you should jeopardize your own wants and feelings in the process, nor that you should feel obligated to wait months or even years for the tiniest bit of progress. I only mean that things may not be smooth sailing at first, and you'd be amazed at how much a little patience and understanding can go. As much as we might fight the notion of being loved and desired, we absolutely want to get there, it just takes some of us a bit more time to come out of the mist. When we do though, there's a good chance you've got a partner for life.
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Old 02-08-2017, 06:04 AM   #20
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I recall seeing an FFA say she would only date people who got fat as adults, mostly for this reason. Bit of an extreme reaction, but illustrates how apparent this can be to the partner, I guess.
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Old 02-08-2017, 09:43 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by MrSensible View Post
That's a really good and interesting point, agouderia. Funny enough, as introspective as I tend to be on this subject, I've never really thought about the differences between my perceptions on being fat and those who became fat later in life. I've known several people who became fat post-childhood and, just like you observed, they have nowhere near the amount of hang ups about it that I do -- heck, my dad is a perfect example of this. He could walk around a crowded shopping mall in his whities and no shits would be given, heh. I think I forget sometimes just how crucial those formative years are on influencing who we become. Being harassed more or less on a daily basis, while you're trying to grow into yourself, takes its toll, to say the least. I still carry some of that shit around.

...

Yes -- I totally agree.

I was actually fatter as a kid than I am now as an adult. That's likely coloring my perception.
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Old 02-20-2017, 04:26 PM   #22
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BHMs: Were you automatically accepting of FFAs you met or did you struggle to accept that FFAs do exist living in a fatphobic culture? What would you want FFAs to know before dating a BHM?
I accepted it immediately but I suffered a lot of emotional damage due to growing up fat so it wasn't really the dream come true it should've been. I lurked off and on for over 3 years before posting because I still felt grotesque. And even after receiving positive attention from people I was really attracted to it still took me over a year to get past my issues and be in a place where I could feel attractive and pursue a relationship.
The only thing I would say is to be mindful of the fact that someone might be far more traumatized than they appear and try to be empathetic, but really, that's a good thing to keep in mind when dealing with anyone.


And if anyone thinks I didn't reply sooner because I wanted to get the last word, well, you've been paying attention.
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Old 02-20-2017, 05:24 PM   #23
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FFAs: Have you noticed that when you talk about being an FFA that women and men respond differently to you? Does one group respond more positively or negatively? Have you dealt with anger and internalized self loathing from BHM you have dated in the past?
Like, so late to this party but it's been the first time I have been on Dims on my computer in a month!

I've never had a bad reaction. The females might joke that "that dude totally isn't her type" and I've had guys (BHM and non) laughingly and accusingly call me an enabler. At which point I threaten to take away the food and they go nonono. Past dates who told their friends I was an FFA got envious sort of "you'll get fat eventually...sweet deal."

I've internalized some self loathing from my hubby. 99.9% of the time he is tolerant, amused, and even teasing of his weight. Once every couple of years he is struck with self loathing and lashes out, however. It's hard not to internalize it, and he's come to realize as confident as I am sexually, self hatred on his own part destroys me. If he feels physically shitty, describes himself as repugnant etc etc, what does that say about me? I want him to be happy and healthy, and if he isn't, I internalize that.

It's become a bit of a balance/diplomatic way of speaking where I can express my lust and he can express his frustrations in a way that is gentle, considerate, and is framed in a way to avoid any pain.

Last edited by Xyantha Reborn; 02-21-2017 at 05:26 AM. Reason: Speeling
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Old 02-22-2017, 12:56 AM   #24
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All I would say to an FFA on the verge of a prospective relationship is to gauge the situation and be patient if the BHM seems to be taking things slow. If he grew up fat (as many of us did), chances are he will be harboring a sizable amount of emotional baggage and it can take some time to get through it.
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The only thing I would say is to be mindful of the fact that someone might be far more traumatized than they appear and try to be empathetic, but really, that's a good thing to keep in mind when dealing with anyone.
This point you have both made is a clincher. I guess I'm somewhat fortunate in the sense that I can relate to something traumatic affecting my romantic/sex life, even if mine doesn't have all that much to do with body image.

I think being 100% clear and upfront about disclosing the FFA attraction from the start is the best approach. But after that, I've found a bit more sensitivity and subtlety was the way to go in most cases. And I've needed the same, for different reasons. So that mutuality is quite nice, and there's an understanding that goes both ways.

It's never easy though, when you have trauma reaching into future relationships. It's a bit of a tightrope walk. The traumatised one needs to make sure they're not (inadvertently) shaming the other person's needs/desires. I've been guilty of this, without realising it. And the one with the needs/desires has to make sure they're not steamrolling their partner to get them met.

Also, specific compromises come more easily to specific types of people. Sometimes you strike it lucky, sometimes it's just not gonna work. It's usually a combination of factors, rather than just one person's fault. There are always things we can improve on, but self-flagellation doesn't help anyone. Unless it's something you're into Communication all the things. That's why I was pretty excited about this topic.
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Old 02-23-2017, 10:22 PM   #25
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Rabbit you said such nice things about my writing in the porn thread, so I'll dish.

I've experienced varying degrees of acceptance among friends, but I don't know if gender has made a difference. Reactions seem to vary more on what kind of person they are. I prefer non-judgey people in my life so mostly positive; except health concern trolling, but that quickly gets shut down. Little demon horns grow on my head when I hear the words 'his health' from someone who should worry more about how they conduct their own lives.

But sometimes I catch myself in a mindset that fat attraction is mainstream, and I'll make a pro-fat comment to a non-FFA friend that I would logically reserve for an FFA friend, because why not fat? It makes so much sense! Being in the arms of a big, soft, round guy? What is not to like about that?

As far as experiences with the BHM themselves... Skipping past the younger/college/grad years, I've have had two major relationships (co-habitation level of serious). The first/ex was a gorgeous big guy who had been told his whole life how perfect he'd be if he lost weight. He had significant body issues that in my naive, idealistic mind, hoped with my special FFA TLC magic he would relax over time. I had idealized a fulfilling physical relationship with a very big, very sweet BHM for so long, that I fell quickly/madly for him, but he wasn't ready for what I wanted. I had to be super careful about how I touched him, which frustrated both of us. I'm a pretty avid runner and I even began to lie about when or how much because I knew it made him depressed that he wasn't able to do things like that with me (which I'd NEVER expect, but he still felt that way). Enter lots of self-imposed 'thin privilege' guilt; who was I to put my selfish sexual needs ahead of his lifetime of baggage? He resented me for liking what he hated; we broke up, got back together, broke up, lather, rinse, repeat.

That finally ended when I moved away for work reasons. Then related to my new job, I met a big man who threw me for a wonderful loop. The first time I saw him walking past my office was very WOW. And right after WOW, my next thoughts were total fear that if I ever got him to go out with me, the same tragic cycle would repeat. Then I finally met him, and when he shook my hand I could already sense it in his grip, his smile, the confidence... this was a completely different man. Pretty quickly into dating he was like, 'wait, you're really into this bod? you sure? okay, well that's pretty awesome, lets enjoy it together,' which made our relationship easy to fall into, and ultimately it became a more permanent arrangement.

p.s. He did grow up fat too and isn't completely immune to societal pressure/baggage, but I think it helped that he comes from an wonderful, funny and supportive family that nurtured his gifts. At family gatherings I'm the one who ends up getting teased for my smaller size, but I'm lucky they just accept me as I am
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