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Old 03-06-2017, 05:21 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by LarryTheNoodleGuy View Post
One of THE biggest complaints, today as in the olden days before the net, is that men are in TOO BIG A HURRY.

Women can SMELL that you haven't touched a woman in quite some time, and it repels them. There is time to flood them with sonnets. It doesn't have to be right NOW, TODAY. You have a ton of energy. Some people like that, most people, especially women, don't.

Take your time. Deep breath, cowboy. Your frustration is screaming. It's "What wrong with me that I can't get a girlfriend?" in a different package.

Or, as a friend said to me in 7th grade when I asked his advice about how to get girls -

"Relax."
Lol, i totally enjoyed reading this...it's not quite how I view it/think of it but it does sum it up neatly

TwoSwords....I feel like I'm missing something here. I read your OP. The first part and the second part seem like worlds apart to me.

It went from "don't mention her weight" .....as in when you first meet to "I want to write sonnets". There is a time frame that I don't see you regarding/addressing.

The "slow down" ideal isn't unique to fat women. For example, if a guy walked up to Pamela Anderson and the FIRST thing he asks is her measuements. Do you think this question isn't one that she's been asked before? It's a fumbly, rude, no-thought-behind-it-at-all, assuming, selfish, buffoon type of question....and it tells her, ever more quickly than your johnson is moving, that you have nothing that special about you. Why? Because you put NO effort into your approach.
You think she's special somehow? What do you have to offer her? Certainly not polite conversation or regard for her personal comfort in your presence.

You seem like a bright guy TwoSwords. I'm glad you're asking the questions...because you also seem like a very young man to me, as well.

Slow it down....why? Because if you really are interested in meeting a real life gal that suits your fancy, you have to. No choice.
It's common human decency that most people deserve and prefer.

How can you write someone a sonnet when you can't make the effort to have a normal polite conversation in the beginning. Good things take time....and are worth the effort.
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Old 03-06-2017, 06:08 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by fuelingfire View Post
I read the majority of the replies. My advice, get better at flirting. Flirt with a fat woman, if she likes you and is interested she will bring up her size at some point, that is the opening you are waiting for, in my experience. And don't go over board with it, on first mention. Saying something like, "I prefer fat chicks" sounds causal, or "I usually prefer larger women" I would then try to move the conversation, back to the flirting realm, unless she has follow up questions.
That sounds like a workable idea. I'll have to study this, because it's not an area I have much experience in.

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Originally Posted by fuelingfire View Post
If you come out and say something like, "I love how your belly hangs!" You will sound like a creeper. In modern dating, it is important to establish that you are not a sexual predator.
True, true. My concern would be in finding a way to prove that definitively. It's not as easy as you might think, especially when people are already worrying themselves.

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And you have no idea where on the size acceptance spectrum, the fat woman you are talking to falls in.
Right. I'm always on the lookout for any evidence for this key bit of information, even in people I just sort of casually know, because honestly, at this point, any opportunity to get some of this pent-up emotion expressed is a good one.
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Old 03-06-2017, 06:14 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by LarryTheNoodleGuy View Post
One of THE biggest complaints, today as in the olden days before the net, is that men are in TOO BIG A HURRY.

Women can SMELL that you haven't touched a woman in quite some time, and it repels them. There is time to flood them with sonnets. It doesn't have to be right NOW, TODAY. You have a ton of energy. Some people like that, most people, especially women, don't.

Take your time. Deep breath, cowboy. Your frustration is screaming. It's "What wrong with me that I can't get a girlfriend?" in a different package.

Or, as a friend said to me in 7th grade when I asked his advice about how to get girls -

"Relax."
I wish I could just decide to have weaker feelings, or to have the opportunity to share them in other venues, so they didn't have to keep building. That would make everything way easier. At the moment, the most I can do is repress harder, and try to learn new techniques to repress emotion (which I'm not bad at doing most of the time.) It's just hard and I risk my real feelings slipping out with every "sighting" of more than a few seconds in length.
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Old 03-06-2017, 06:16 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by Tracii View Post
If you are having issues finding dates or connecting with women maybe you should change your approach.
That's fine, just so long as the end result is that I finally get to express these feelings in full.

If that's the end result, basically any change in approach is acceptable. If it's not, then no change is sufficient.

None of the other issues we've been talking about are important, compared to this one.
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Old 03-06-2017, 06:21 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by TwoSwords View Post
Of course, but in your friend's case, being defensive was a costly mistake, so it seemed to more or less validate what I'd been saying all along.
In hind sight, perhaps. But in this case she and I just happened to stay in touch as friends and that just happened to afford us the opportunity to see it in hindsight. This is definitely an exception. And it also just happened to work out that I found someone and got married and she eventually did as well. Happy endings all around. Again, that's not always the case, and we only know it because we happened to connect as friends again many years later. So yes, perhaps in your mind it validates your argument, the truth is actually learning of said validation and the closure that comes with it is likely a very rare exception. What's more common is being left wondering what you did wrong (which was where I was when she said she didn't want to see me anymore).

As for not understanding the difference between "what" and "who" what I'm trying to stress is many people do not identify themselves (that is, their being or the "who") as conditional to their physical body. For example, I know some who refuse to identify as "African American" because they identify as "American." They do not define (even partially) themselves on skin color. Likewise a big girl may not identify as a "big girl" but simply a girl. The "what" is a physical trait but the "who" is larger: it's being, it's the essence of that person. If you try to mix the wires on a person like that be ready for her to clam up.
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Old 03-06-2017, 06:46 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
It went from "don't mention her weight" .....as in when you first meet to "I want to write sonnets". There is a time frame that I don't see you regarding/addressing.
You're right. I didn't address the timing of these two things. I didn't mean for them to be taken simultaneously. My point here was to outline the difference between starting point and finish line. I can totally appreciate that you might want to save the more direct compliments (even compliments in general) for a few weeks; maybe a month or two, but keep in mind that the longer I spend around certain people, the harder it gets to maintain that middle-ground-attitude. I've actually had times, in the past, where I've needed to keep excusing myself from a discussion, and leave the room to get my heart rate back down. That's manageable in small doses, but for anything of a longer term, it's got to be more than that.

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Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
It's a fumbly, rude, no-thought-behind-it-at-all, assuming, selfish, buffoon type of question....and it tells her, ever more quickly than your johnson is moving, that you have nothing that special about you. Why? Because you put NO effort into your approach.
Beauty isn't made of numbers. Not sure what you mean about Johnson, but I can't think of anything that takes more effort than trying to pretend I'm not going nuts inside when I meet someone pretty.

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You think she's special somehow? What do you have to offer her? Certainly not polite conversation or regard for her personal comfort in your presence.
What a paradox this is! How can there be such focus on emotional comfort, when so few people respect the feelings of others?

Don't get me wrong. I'd love for this to be different. If I felt it were safe or helpful to seriously comfort the feelings of others; help them feel safe, listen to them vent, etc, I am quite capable of it, but the problem is that the people in my life (with maybe one or two exceptions,) don't respond well to that kind of treatment. Mostly, they seem to take it for granted, and rarely afford the same courtesies to others.

This is why I question the worth of tact. It's not that I think a tactless world is more pleasant or more comfortable. Far from it. I'm just not sure it's going to get the job done.

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How can you write someone a sonnet when you can't make the effort to have a normal polite conversation in the beginning. Good things take time....and are worth the effort.
Let me tell you about effort. In my first real job, there was a woman who I thought was particularly lovely. I never shied away from her, I was never rude to her, and I tried the best I could to be her friend. I asked her about her interests. I talked to her about her family. I happily accepted her help in (and helped her with) work. This went on for several weeks before I said anything more.

My first minor compliment was met with a look, as though I had three heads. I attempted others, with greater subtlety, but nothing seemed to draw more than a baffled expression out of her.

In my last three months on the job, she'd begun losing weight (which was her prerogative, of course,) and seemed happy about it. I never overtly argued with her about it, but I did try a few remarks to see if I could draw out some kind of hidden feeling, compatible with mine. It never worked. She went on with her life, and I bare her absolutely no ill will. It's her life, and I hope she's had a happy one since then, even if it can't be with me.

This situation lasted for months and months of the most intense, burning, emotional reflux I've ever experienced, and I got basically no opportunity to really express myself in exchange for my investment of effort and time. However, the experience taught me the most important lesson that the soft-sell tactic doesn't work. When a person has feelings that are committedly against mine, no amount of subtlety or politeness helps. You just have to learn what kind of person they are fast, and then, if it looks like there's hope, pursue further. If this was unwise or incorrect, or if I drew my conclusion too hastily, please tell me, because as far as I know, all that effort went to waste. I took the time to find out who she was, and who she was, was a person whose natural tendencies and feelings were completely incompatible with mine.

P.S.: No, this is not the only experience that I've had in testing out various approaches to discussion on a member of the opposite sex. Many, however, follow this same, or a similar pattern.
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Old 03-06-2017, 07:03 PM   #32
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Happy endings all around.
I... guess so. I honestly found your stories kind of terrifying, because I keep thinking of how I'd feel in your situation, but as long as you're happy, that's what counts.

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So yes, perhaps in your mind it validates your argument, the truth is actually learning of said validation and the closure that comes with it is likely a very rare exception.
In a certain sense, I'm glad you were able to give me this information, so I didn't have to go looking for it myself. As you say, it's rather tough to learn.

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What's more common is being left wondering what you did wrong (which was where I was when she said she didn't want to see me anymore).
I can't control other people. It's entirely possible that, even if I did everything right, it still wouldn't work. Let's face it; the deck is pretty heavily stacked against me. I regret a lot of things, but the results of interactions? It's a bit hard to tell which ones I should regret, and which ones totally weren't my fault, so I prefer to just not worry about it.

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As for not understanding the difference between "what" and "who" what I'm trying to stress is many people do not identify themselves (that is, their being or the "who") as conditional to their physical body. For example, I know some who refuse to identify as "African American" because they identify as "American." They do not define (even partially) themselves on skin color. Likewise a big girl may not identify as a "big girl" but simply a girl. The "what" is a physical trait but the "who" is larger: it's being, it's the essence of that person. If you try to mix the wires on a person like that be ready for her to clam up.
If she didn't consider fatness to be one of her characteristics, there would be no reason for her to get upset. Confused, certainly, but not upset.

Honestly, it's hard for me to even think of myself, or anyone else, in isolation from their qualities (physical and otherwise,) because that's how I tell the difference between one person and the next. I think "oh, she's the one with the blond hair, the interest in restaurants, who doesn't like comics and has Celiac," or "she's the married, fat one with the short hair and glasses, who always smiles when she gets into work, and enjoys baking and traveling on vacation, and likes minions." It goes by fast, but I even identify myself in roughly this way; as a collection of distinguishing qualities. I'm not just an existence, because my existence is very limited.

For this reason, I think this issue is a very important one to address; especially considering the importance of being able to listen to my feelings on beauty.
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Old 03-06-2017, 10:28 PM   #33
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Advice from the sleep-deprived:


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Originally Posted by TwoSwords View Post
I wish I could just decide to have weaker feelings, or to have the opportunity to share them in other venues, so they didn't have to keep building. That would make everything way easier. At the moment, the most I can do is repress harder, and try to learn new techniques to repress emotion.
It's not repressing emotion, it's expressing it, but in a different way.

If you were to offer a gift of a kitten to one who's allergic to cats, the gift would be unappreciated.

Perhaps the person would be more receptive to a gift of having their windows cleaned.

In such a case, don't view not offering them kittens as a repressing of your desire to please them, but as an outpouring of respect (the most important emotion to address in a new or potential relationship).

You may counter that one can't know what to offer another without getting to know that person first, and you'd like to know what emotional 'gift' would be appreciated before giving it.

Perhaps you would say that without knowing what to offer, you can never get a chance to know that person in order to know what to offer, so that you can get a chance to know that person (perpetual motion emotion perpetration, if I may be permitted to coin an awkward phrase).

No, you can't know what to offer until you know the person.

So get to know the person, and afford them the same opportunity: To know you, free from what you can do for them, or how you can impress them.

Offer the opportunity not to be offered something.

An emotional 'offer' by you could be viewed as an implicit expectation of a reciprocating 'offer' on their part. Such a scenario is called a transaction. Not that satisfying a situation.


More to the point of the question posited in the thread's title: Don't hold your emotions in. Just express them in ways that will be welcome.

You don't know what will be welcome?

Get to know the person. Without doing so, you are not experiencing emotion for them anyway, but mere infatuation.


Damn, and I wanted to make this an early night.
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Old 03-07-2017, 02:59 AM   #34
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It's not repressing emotion, it's expressing it, but in a different way.

If you were to offer a gift of a kitten to one who's allergic to cats, the gift would be unappreciated.

Perhaps the person would be more receptive to a gift of having their windows cleaned.

In such a case, don't view not offering them kittens as a repressing of your desire to please them, but as an outpouring of respect (the most important emotion to address in a new or potential relationship).
There's a problem, though, because, to use your own analogy, while I may have a desire (as in, a wish) to please others, it doesn't tear at me from the inside, or punish me for not expressing it, like my need to "give kittens" does.

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You may counter that one can't know what to offer another without getting to know that person first, and you'd like to know what emotional 'gift' would be appreciated before giving it.
Only if that gift is a cure for their kitten allergy.

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So get to know the person, and afford them the same opportunity: To know you, free from what you can do for them, or how you can impress them.
Well, as I said before, I don't look at myself as being separate from my qualities, and I really don't care to have people ask about me or my day. Plus, once she realizes my blinding obsession with kittens, all the effort I've put into getting to know her will probably have been wasted.

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An emotional 'offer' by you could be viewed as an implicit expectation of a reciprocating 'offer' on their part. Such a scenario is called a transaction. Not that satisfying a situation.
I wouldn't know. I've never received reciprocation of the type I need; a willingness to accept kittens.

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More to the point of the question posited in the thread's title: Don't hold your emotions in. Just express them in ways that will be welcome.

You don't know what will be welcome?
I think the problem is still that my emotions are expressible in only a few broad categories of actions, all of which share similar qualities, and are rejected for similar reasons. I can wash windows, but that's not an expression of my emotions. I do it, if I do it, as a condition on the route to my actual goal. To use your example again, I could give brown kittens, white kittens, black kittens, one kitten, two kittens, red kittens, blue kittens, big kittens, small kittens, short kittens, tall kittens, kittens with long tails, kittens in small pails, kittens on a train, kittens on a plane, kittens on a boat, kittens with a goat, etc, etc, etc, but in order to release any of that pressure that my emotions cause me, these gifts need to have a similar theme to the stimuli that cause my feelings, and when the person in question is specifically determined to reject that stimuli, which happens often, there's not much I can really do.
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Old 03-07-2017, 05:37 AM   #35
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In my opinion, a lot of people have given you very good advice. I don't want you to take what I am saying/asking as an insult. Could you give us more examples of your goals? Or experiences?

I feel like you might be unintentionally misleading us or not asking the right question. You do not seem satisfied with the responses you are receiving. Giving us more examples could help the responses.

The woman you met at your first real job... unfortunately not everyone is interested. It is a healthy idea, that once you realize that someone is not interested in advances from you (especially a coworker who you will see daily at work), to walk away from the idea of her. You made it sound like you were trying for months. Odds are, if you had a chance with her, it wouldn't take that long. The odd looks you were receiving was the strong hint.
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Old 03-07-2017, 02:28 PM   #36
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In my opinion, a lot of people have given you very good advice.
I think some people are. I know I really appreciated the advice I got from you.

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I don't want you to take what I am saying/asking as an insult. Could you give us more examples of your goals? Or experiences?
My goals are simple. I'm interested in a friendship/relationship, where I can safely and fully share my feelings about beauty, and be appreciated, validated... even just tolerated in that. That's why I asked the initial question about how anyone can be expected to enter into a relationship, if they're not permitted to express themselves.

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The woman you met at your first real job... unfortunately not everyone is interested. It is a healthy idea, that once you realize that someone is not interested in advances from you (especially a coworker who you will see daily at work), to walk away from the idea of her.
Idea, yes, but I still remember the lessons I learned from the experience, and I've had two other, similar experiences since then, which lasted a much shorter period of time. In each case, the woman was (by my estimation) pretty, and in each case, I got those strange looks from them whenever I paid attention to them directly. Neither one expressed any interest in talking to me when I addressed them directly, though, so I just let them be. I've had other experiences of casually interacting with other pretty people in my current job, but all of them are married already, so the only real function of these interactions has been to give me a chance to practice friendly discussion. Still, even after years, it's no easy task, and I have difficulty spending more than a few minutes talking to either one, while maintaining composure. In fact, I eventually had to gain some weight myself, just so that I could distract myself, during a period when I had to work with one of them on a frequent basis. Most of my other interactions were in my school days, when I hadn't really worked up enough courage to face my feelings, much less a girl.

I did, however, have one experience in High School, where I was so afraid to even sit next to one person (for various reasons,) that I realized what a problem it was to be too cowardly in this area. I committed, worked at it, and I've never had that problem since, and in a way, it indirectly lead to perhaps the most memorable experience/s of my life.

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You made it sound like you were trying for months. Odds are, if you had a chance with her, it wouldn't take that long. The odd looks you were receiving was the strong hint.
That's the other problem. I don't intuit in the same way most people do, and the only way I ever pick up on hints is if I can analyze them, or recognize them as part of a pattern. Thanks for pointing this hint out to me, because now, I'll know to be on the lookout for that.
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Old 03-07-2017, 05:35 PM   #37
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There seems to be two topics here. 1. You want to be in a relationship. 2. You want to say how you feel about fat women. I think this thread has talked about the second topic a great deal. The best complement you can give a woman (including fat women) is “You look beautiful!” There is no complement you can say that will top that, regardless of how you feel.

For the first topic. I am going to generalize a bit here. This applies to even non-FAs.
Unfortunately, I don’t know what is happening that you have received strange looks from women. If you notice it again, take note of what events happened right before then. It is very important that you figure out what is causing this reaction.

I don’t know your age. But I would ignore most FA experiences before that age of 18. Peers can be cruel, especially in high school. In high school I just wanted to fit in. I didn’t come out of the FA closet until about a year after high school.

You might be building up women you know to much in your mind, creating stress. If you have seen the movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” for easy reference, they refer to this as “putting the pussy on the pedestal.” I am not really a fan of the phrase. When I was in high school I did do this a lot. I would say, you should view rejection as fairly normal. No one is universally liked. If being rejected by someone is bothering you, this is the likely scenario.

If you need to work on your flirting skills, I would advise you to try flirting with women you are not really interested in. There will be less stress, because you are not really loosing anything if the girl is not interested. This will help you when you do run into the fat woman you are looking for. Otherwise you might blow opportunities when they come your way.

Though I haven’t looked, I am sure youtube has a bunch of videos on how to flirt with women. That could give to tips to improve. I would say the most important are remember to smile, seem confident (practicing flirting a lot can help you actually be confident), and a proper amount of eye contact. It gets easier.
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Old 03-07-2017, 05:56 PM   #38
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If she didn't consider fatness to be one of her characteristics, there would be no reason for her to get upset. Confused, certainly, but not upset.
You're still missing it, but I'll try again, using my own wife as an example. She will be the first to tell you that "fat" is part of her physical characteristics. She has overheard people say, "look at that fat woman" and she knows they're talking about her. She has described herself as a fat woman from a strictly physical standpoint.

However, she does not define herself as a fat woman. In other words, she does not consider that who she is. There are plenty of other things she identifies as the essence of her being. She's a wife, mother, friend to her friends, etc...a person of value with certain values she considers more defining of HER than her physical characteristics.

The proof is in this: if she loses weight she is unlikely to be a wildly different person. There may some marginal changes due to confidence gained, energy levels being higher, etc. but the person she is, the "who" she is, wouldn't be that different from the fat version of her.
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Old 03-07-2017, 06:08 PM   #39
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There seems to be two topics here. 1. You want to be in a relationship. 2. You want to say how you feel about fat women.
The second as much as, if not more than the first.

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I think this thread has talked about the second topic a great deal. The best complement you can give a woman (including fat women) is “You look beautiful!” There is no complement you can say that will top that, regardless of how you feel.
I've found "lovely" to have a sort of magic as well, but the problem with both words is that they're pseudonyms for what's really trying to get out. Also, I can't explain either one any further without revealing how I really feel, and we're back to square 1.

I'm not sure a pseudonym would work, in terms of expression. I've tried them a few times in the past, and I don't remember feeling any less stressed as a result.

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Unfortunately, I don’t know what is happening that you have received strange looks from women. If you notice it again, take note of what events happened right before then. It is very important that you figure out what is causing this reaction.
You mean, try to find some common factor between the various instances, which might be causing them?

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I don’t know your age. But I would ignore most FA experiences before that age of 18.
I was awkward before, during, and after that age, so I'm not too concerned by what happened back then. Still, if what you say is true, it's a shame I haven't kept in touch with anyone from those days.

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Peers can be cruel, especially in high school. In high school I just wanted to fit in. I didn’t come out of the FA closet until about a year after high school.
I never really wanted to fit in, and I wanted to come out of the closet, but was too scared I'd be given detention or something (at first, I had no idea what was considered appropriate and what wasn't in a high school environment, so I kept to myself a lot.)

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You might be building up women you know to much in your mind, creating stress.
Oh. No, I don't think that's the issue. I remember those women pretty well, and I remember their positive traits, and I remember their faults (they all had some of both, as I think nearly everyone does.) I remember a few being uncommonly pretty in my eyes, and I might be looking at that memory through rose-colored glasses, but those early sightings had a profound effect on my emotional development.

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I would say, you should view rejection as fairly normal. No one is universally liked. If being rejected by someone is bothering you, this is the likely scenario.
I don't think you can blame me for doing whatever I can to try to minimize my chances of failure and disappointment. Like my feelings about beauty, my feelings about failure can be very strong and overpowering, but as I've said before, I have some practice at ignoring them. I can handle it. Rejection is only a problem insofar as it serves as a barrier that keeps me from the finish line, and I want to learn whatever I can to get around those barriers.

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If you need to work on your flirting skills, I would advise you to try flirting with women you are not really interested in.
I've thought about this in the past. Genuine opportunities are rare, and it'd be nice to have a method ready, in case I happen to run into one all of a sudden.

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There will be less stress, because you are not really loosing anything if the girl is not interested.
That might make things easier, though most of my stress comes from feelings I'm not expressing, rather than the pressure of the situation. In a real way, my feelings are a worse enemy to me than the entire world is.

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Though I haven’t looked, I am sure youtube has a bunch of videos on how to flirt with women. That could give to tips to improve. I would say the most important are remember to smile, seem confident (practicing flirting a lot can help you actually be confident), and a proper amount of eye contact. It gets easier.
I've actually got a lot of that down already; especially with regards to the smile, the eye contact and the confidence. In fact, my impulse is to look into the eyes of most people automatically. Thanks for all the advice... man? Man, I guess. It's really cool, and I totally appreciate it. I don't know if it'll work, but I'll try to free up some time to look into all of this.
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Old 03-07-2017, 06:13 PM   #40
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You're still missing it, but I'll try again, using my own wife as an example. She will be the first to tell you that "fat" is part of her physical characteristics. She has overheard people say, "look at that fat woman" and she knows they're talking about her. She has described herself as a fat woman from a strictly physical standpoint.

However, she does not define herself as a fat woman. In other words, she does not consider that who she is. There are plenty of other things she identifies as the essence of her being. She's a wife, mother, friend to her friends, etc...a person of value with certain values she considers more defining of HER than her physical characteristics.

The proof is in this: if she loses weight she is unlikely to be a wildly different person. There may some marginal changes due to confidence gained, energy levels being higher, etc. but the person she is, the "who" she is, wouldn't be that different from the fat version of her.
Ah! I think I got it! You're referring to "accidents!"

In philosophy, there are things called "accidents," which are qualities that a person or thing possesses, which aren't necessary, in order for it to be what it is. For example, George can get an inch higher, or a pound lighter, or a year older, and he's still George. Is that basically what you mean?
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Old 03-07-2017, 06:32 PM   #41
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Ah! I think I got it! You're referring to "accidents!"

In philosophy, there are things called "accidents," which are qualities that a person or thing possesses, which aren't necessary, in order for it to be what it is. For example, George can get an inch higher, or a pound lighter, or a year older, and he's still George. Is that basically what you mean?
PAYDIRT!

Yes, that is exactly what I'm getting at. And for a woman who considers her weight an "accident" you drawing attention to it, no matter how well intended, is a tricky proposition.
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Old 03-07-2017, 06:37 PM   #42
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“Lovely” can back fire. It is a word someone who wants to say “I love you” but isn’t ready to say it yet. It can weird women out. I was under the impression you were having issues getting into relationships, but might have misread something.

If you are not close to dating or dating the woman, you don’t really need to tell them how you feel about fat women. So there is no real need to worry about it.

Rejection will help you get to the finish line. Not a lot of fat women are hoping to find a guy who wants to rub their tummy daily.

You make it sound like you don’t have a lot of female options, are you in a small city or isolated area? You can try feabie, wooplus, or largefriends. You could worry less because people signing up for these sites know you like fat women.
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Old 03-07-2017, 06:44 PM   #43
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PAYDIRT!

Yes, that is exactly what I'm getting at. And for a woman who considers her weight an "accident" you drawing attention to it, no matter how well intended, is a tricky proposition.
Well, I've got to figure out some way to pull off that trick, or something similar to it. Maybe, since I know what it's like to prefer being thought of in terms of qualities, abilities, accomplishments, etc, I can find a way to explain why these sorts of qualities are good, and should be enjoyed. After all, we all have accidents, and there's really no reason to dislike them, just because they're accidents.
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Old 03-07-2017, 06:52 PM   #44
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“Lovely” can back fire. It is a word someone who wants to say “I love you” but isn’t ready to say it yet. It can weird women out. I was under the impression you were having issues getting into relationships, but might have misread something.
It's alright. I wasn't 100% clear, so let me try to clear it up.

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If you are not close to dating or dating the woman, you don’t really need to tell them how you feel about fat women.
Yes there is; just not for the purpose of impressing anyone. See, this is it; the end goal. The finish line. The final hurrah. Explaining my feeling fully, completely and without the fear of being condemned is the big it for me. I hope that makes it a bit clearer.

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Rejection will help you get to the finish line. Not a lot of fat women are hoping to find a guy who wants to rub their tummy daily.
In terms of physical contact, I basically have that covered. As I said, I gained some weight a while back specifically because I was about to go nuts for this reason. Now I'm not. I just have to reach one arm over to the other whenever my hand starts to feel antsy and alone. It's just the freedom to express these feelings to someone else that's missing.

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You make it sound like you don’t have a lot of female options, are you in a small city or isolated area? You can try feabie, wooplus, or largefriends. You could worry less because people signing up for these sites know you like fat women.
Thank you for offering so much help. I definitely think I can use some of this.
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Old 03-07-2017, 06:54 PM   #45
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Well, I've got to figure out some way to pull off that trick, or something similar to it. Maybe, since I know what it's like to prefer being thought of in terms of qualities, abilities, accomplishments, etc, I can find a way to explain why these sorts of qualities are good, and should be enjoyed. After all, we all have accidents, and there's really no reason to dislike them, just because they're accidents.
Man, now we are getting somewhere! Here's a thought: as FF has suggestion you don't need to go over the top complimenting her physical appearance. It's likely to be dismissed as patronizing anyway. Do compliment her appearance, just don't be cliche or overly raving.

From there you look for commonalities or character traits you've discerned and use those as your avenue to getting to know her better. For example, consider where it was where you first met, or what she was doing, etc. Maybe there's a mutual interest, a hobby or a cause of some kind, that you can talk to her about. You get to know HER better that way.

It adds up over time. It takes patience but it's worth it.
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Old 03-07-2017, 07:06 PM   #46
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Man, now we are getting somewhere! Here's a thought: as FF has suggestion you don't need to go over the top complimenting her physical appearance. It's likely to be dismissed as patronizing anyway. Do compliment her appearance, just don't be cliche or overly raving.
It might be tough for me to figure out where that balance is at first. As I've said before, my feelings are intense, and my weakness with regard to understanding cues is likely to get in the way as well. I wonder if there's some method to... Well, I guess it would somewhat depend on what kind of person you were talking to, wouldn't it?

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From there you look for commonalities or character traits you've discerned and use those as your avenue to getting to know her better. For example, consider where it was where you first met, or what she was doing, etc. Maybe there's a mutual interest, a hobby or a cause of some kind, that you can talk to her about. You get to know HER better that way.
Actually, my preference (ever since that early-job occurrence I mentioned in one of my other replies) has been to seek out a lot of information about the person right off the bat, so that I have something to work off of, and am not just going into it blind.
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Old 03-07-2017, 07:06 PM   #47
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Without being condemned for it… You can ignore others response. But people love expressing their opinions. I don’t think anyone has much advice on how to do it.
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Old 03-07-2017, 07:12 PM   #48
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It might be tough for me to figure out where that balance is at first. As I've said before, my feelings are intense, and my weakness with regard to understanding cues is likely to get in the way as well. I wonder if there's some method to... Well, I guess it would somewhat depend on what kind of person you were talking to, wouldn't it?
Definitely. And finding that balance with one may be easier than another. Everyone is different so you can't run one play successfully with one and automatically expect it to work on another.

Hell, even with the same person balance is constant challenge! Something I say to my wife works one day but not the next based on her mood. Sometimes I don't pick up on the difference until it's too late!
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Old 03-07-2017, 07:15 PM   #49
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Without being condemned for it… You can ignore others response. But people love expressing their opinions. I don’t think anyone has much advice on how to do it.
Maybe that's it then. Maybe I just have to be who I am (outside of scenarios requiring special behavior patterns like work, church, etc...,) and ignore the responses, or supplement with my imagination some more. I hate to have to do that, because I'd like to think a better solution could be found. You'd think that, given how many people suffer under this state of affairs (treated as odd because of some part of themselves that they never chose to have,) we'd all be putting just a little more effort into fixing this.

The whole thing just seems weird to me, like an old Addams Family episode.
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Old 03-07-2017, 07:19 PM   #50
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Definitely. And finding that balance with one may be easier than another. Everyone is different so you can't run one play successfully with one and automatically expect it to work on another.
This is why I used the word "method." It can sometimes be a specific play or plan of action (there are a few stimuli that always make me mad, relieved, sad, etc, for example,) and sometimes, it can be closer to an algorithm, with branching paths, depending on various factors. The challenge is to deduce the paths from limited information, so that I can know whether there's a reasonable hope at the earliest possible moment.
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