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Old 03-25-2017, 04:42 PM   #801
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I heard this one yesterday and was way too amused
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Old 05-23-2017, 01:57 AM   #802
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swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!
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“Knock knock.”

“Who's there?”

“To.”

“To who?”

“Actually, it's to whom.”
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Old 06-23-2017, 08:56 PM   #803
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swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!
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I+shit+you+knot+those+eyes+and+that+face+though_556298_5325487.jpg

...............
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Old 06-24-2017, 10:19 AM   #804
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wrenchboy View Post
A sandwich walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here"
The tender of an oceanfront beach bar is surprised to see a bull elephant seal surface.

To make matters worse, the huge beast waddles right up to the bar's entrance.

The owner screams "What do you want?", the seal answers "Sex on the beach, please".
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Old 06-30-2017, 02:44 PM   #805
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CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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Went to the doctors yesterday and asked if he could give me something for wind

He gave me a kite
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Old 10-21-2017, 11:16 PM   #806
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swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the Halloween Party?




















He had (no-body) to go with.
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Old 11-09-2017, 11:31 PM   #807
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swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!
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What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?




















Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.
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Old 11-11-2017, 07:20 AM   #808
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Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swamptoad View Post
Attachment 127357

...............

Holy cow, I love this one!
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 11-29-2017, 04:00 PM   #809
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CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
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Old 11-29-2017, 04:07 PM   #810
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smithnwesson has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!smithnwesson has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!smithnwesson has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!smithnwesson has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!smithnwesson has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!smithnwesson has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!smithnwesson has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!smithnwesson has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!smithnwesson has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!smithnwesson has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!smithnwesson has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
Default A Christmas Joke...

Natasha and Rudolph were looking out of their front window in Moscow.
Natasha: Look honey, it's snowing.
Rudolph: No, I think that's rain.
Natasha: It's snow.
Rudolph: Rain
Natasha: Snow
Rudolph: Hey, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
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Old 11-29-2017, 04:20 PM   #811
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CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday!


did you know 5 out of every 3 people have trouble understanding fractions.
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Old 11-30-2017, 04:02 AM   #812
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swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!
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I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 48,500 matches.


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Old 11-30-2017, 04:06 PM   #813
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CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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Last week my friend Shrimp went to a prawn cocktail party and pulled a mussel
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Old 11-30-2017, 07:08 PM   #814
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Yesterday two door to door sales people knocked on my front door...
I gave them each a Watchtower pamphlet...

I went to the Doctor's office the other day and the doctor asked me what was wrong with me..
I charged him a $20.00 co-pay...
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Old 12-03-2017, 12:40 AM   #815
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swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!
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There's a band called 1023MB
They haven't had any gigs yet

Q: What do you call someone without a nose or a body?
A: Nobodynose.
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Old 12-03-2017, 03:44 PM   #816
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CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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The plumber asked the woman where is the drip. She said: “He’s in the bathroom trying to fix the leak.”
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Old 12-03-2017, 04:03 PM   #817
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CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
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Old 12-04-2017, 01:40 PM   #818
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CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
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Old 12-27-2017, 11:14 PM   #819
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swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!
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"Mom, where do tampons go?"

"Where the babies come from, darling."

"In the stork?"


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Old 12-30-2017, 08:19 PM   #820
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swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!
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"Alexa, tell me a dirty joke."

Excuse us, waiter; this coffee tastes like mud!
Yes sir. It's fresh ground.
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Old 01-01-2018, 06:13 AM   #821
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swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!
Talking

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer?
He had locomotives
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Old 01-10-2018, 01:46 PM   #822
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CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CPProp has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
Default

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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Old 01-13-2018, 07:51 PM   #823
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swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!
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I always put the apostrophe in ain't to make certain I'm using proper improper English.

author unknown (Reader's Digest)
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