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Old 12-27-2007, 07:59 PM   #26
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I'm not trying to oversimplify, but I think you're making an issue where there is no need.

Almost all of us desire a different body for ourselves and our partner, whether it be fat/thin/athletic/short/tall, etc. Why your desire for you body would cause you guilt over something you find aesthetically pleasing is confusing to me.

Now, the idea of guilt over you not accepting yourself as is, but wanting her to do just that... I can at least see the issue, but not the reason for it to linger. Again, we want different things - if you desire change in your body or enjoy the feeling of that change, then that's about you. You wanting her to find a happy, content feeling in her current larger size is about you (your attraction to the size) and her (wanting her to feel content and not at odds with her body). I think that's simple human nature.

We're selfish beings at the core. We do a good job of caring and giving and loving, but we are still animals at base and the things that wind your clock are always going to play a role in your feelings and dealings with romantic partners. Doesn't mean you have to act on them, but having the feelings and thoughts does not always mean there's a problem.

In other words - let yourself off the hook, it's not a big deal for you to be one way and like something else on the other side of the bed.
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Old 12-27-2007, 08:12 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by AnnMarie View Post
...We're selfish beings at the core. We do a good job of caring and giving and loving, but we are still animals at base and the things that wind your clock are always going to play a role in your feelings and dealings with romantic partners. Doesn't mean you have to act on them, but having the feelings and thoughts does not always mean there's a problem.

In other words - let yourself off the hook, it's not a big deal for you to be one way and like something else on the other side of the bed.
You never cease to amaze me. Another classic - and wise - post. Good stuff.
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Old 12-27-2007, 08:46 PM   #28
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Default vive la difference!

Ditto ditto ditto, AM. It honestly wouldn't occur to me to attach guilt to body difference. What's to feel guilty about? People don't usually feel guilty about liking redheads or short chicks or linebackers. Are couples supposed to match down to their matchin sweaters?

[That is, why feel guilty...unless you think fat is bad? Which it's not, right? So stop feeling guilty. I don't think yer hard body is better than my squishy one and in fact, the difference is part o the charm.]

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Originally Posted by AnnMarie View Post
I'm not trying to oversimplify, but I think you're making an issue where there is no need.

Almost all of us desire a different body for ourselves and our partner, whether it be fat/thin/athletic/short/tall, etc. Why your desire for you body would cause you guilt over something you find aesthetically pleasing is confusing to me.

Now, the idea of guilt over you not accepting yourself as is, but wanting her to do just that... I can at least see the issue, but not the reason for it to linger. Again, we want different things - if you desire change in your body or enjoy the feeling of that change, then that's about you. You wanting her to find a happy, content feeling in her current larger size is about you (your attraction to the size) and her (wanting her to feel content and not at odds with her body). I think that's simple human nature.

We're selfish beings at the core. We do a good job of caring and giving and loving, but we are still animals at base and the things that wind your clock are always going to play a role in your feelings and dealings with romantic partners. Doesn't mean you have to act on them, but having the feelings and thoughts does not always mean there's a problem.

In other words - let yourself off the hook, it's not a big deal for you to be one way and like something else on the other side of the bed.
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Old 12-27-2007, 08:50 PM   #29
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I don't think yer hard body is better than my squishy one and in fact, the difference is part o the charm.]
Wow, most of the bbw I've talked to like the difference... something about it makes it interesting/arousing... I feel the same way (obiviously, FA) but Its great to have something soft and squshie to grab onto
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Old 12-27-2007, 08:56 PM   #30
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Wow, most of the bbw I've talked to like the difference... something about it makes it interesting/arousing.
Tis a beautiful thing! Men don't realize how byooful their bodies are, methinks.
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Old 12-27-2007, 09:02 PM   #31
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i dont really have anything relevant to add, as for the longest time i was reading (without my glasses) FA QUILT not FA guilt and was wondering what the hell an FA blanket was....
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Old 12-27-2007, 09:05 PM   #32
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i dont really have anything relevant to add, as for the longest time i was reading (without my glasses) FA QUILT not FA guilt and was wondering what the hell an FA blanket was....
haha thats what I thought the first time too, I was like hmmmm did someone make a "best of" montage or something
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Old 12-27-2007, 09:34 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by BuffetKing View Post
“I’m sorry, baby”, when I’m really not. I felt guilty when she says she’s now four pounds away from 350 and I lament with her while I secretly revel in that news. I felt really guilt when she says she feels like this is the next step on the way to 400lbs and I say “No, that’s silly, that’ll never happen” when I’m really thinking “I can’t flippin wait, bring it on”.
What a fibber! LOL Lies, lies, lies. If anything, I'd feel guilty about being so dishonest. I don't know, I can't hide shit like this about myself. If I was this duplicitous with my SO, I'd either hate myself for it, or probably be a neurotic mess.

Dude. Seriously. lol
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Old 12-28-2007, 12:03 AM   #34
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First of all, I would like to say that I am replying to your post without having read any responses. It is way past my bedtime, and I need to get to bed, but I wanted to reply to your topic.

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So here's my dilemma: While she doesn't seem to blame me for her new curves, or begrudge me my angles, I feel like a raving hypocrite lavishing attention on her bigger body while I'm reveling in my smaller one. Does this make sense? I realize men and women get off on different things blah blah blah but inside me is a huge amount of guilt that I can't accept myself the way I want her to accept herself. Also some shame that as a 36 year old, somewhat-accomplished person I should give a shit how fat I am at all.
As it is, she is fat and you are thin. Both facts, correct? (Without the debate of how fat she is and who determines that she is fat, or if it's "media fat", or whatever the fuck)
Have you forced food into her mouth? Do you have an incredible stronghold on her as a person, to the point that you can control her eating habits, exercise habits, and any other factor that may or may not make some one fat, without actually physically controlling her? Is she over the age of 18?
The reason I bring in that last question is because this country has determined that 18 years of age is the breaking point in becoming an adult. You still cannot buy alcohol, but you're legally allowed to do pretty much everything else. This includes making your own choices for your own life, on any level. If she is fat, she is the one who "made" her fat. Whether voluntary or involuntary, she was the one that ate the foods that she has eaten, exercised as much or little as she has, done every lifestyle action that she has. I realize that might be some what extremist to say, but I'm getting to a point.
You are thin. You controlled your own eating habits, exercising habits, lifestyle habits. If she is fat, and you are thin, so what? You said it yourself that she has made no conscious complaints about being the size that she is. You certainly don't seem to complain about yours. So why should you feel guilty? Do you think that there might be a problem if she wanted to lose weight (maybe just "some weight")? Do you feel guilty about being some what of the mainstream image in any way? Why should you feel guilty?
If she realizes, or determines, or eventually changes her mind into believing that she is unhappy with herself at her weight, then she has every conceivable human right to lose any amount of weight that she wants. On the same level, you have the same rights to remain any weight that you want to be, or gain or lose any amount that you want. If it ends up not working out, hope for something that you can be happy with. You need to be happy. She also does as well. But never lose sight of your own happiness.
Hell, maybe she enjoys (or eventually will enjoy) being fatter than you. Maybe she enjoys (or eventually will enjoy) the contrast, be it aconstant, a shrinking, or an enlarging contrast. Maybe she enjoys (or eventually will enjoy) you being as thin as you are.

Don't feel guilty.

Just now quickly glancing over things others have said, have I even addressed the issue at hand?
Somehow, I just managed to seriously piss myself off. I'm going to bed.
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Old 12-28-2007, 12:38 AM   #35
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Briefly on the subject of compliments before I reply to the OP, I know I've complimented at least two female coworkers on weight gains, or at least made it fairly clear I thought they looked better not so skinny. I think they both ended up losing the weight (admittedly small amounts in both cases anyway), but the one seems to have put some on more recently. I'll have to keep an eye on that =P. I also pulled an utter feet-in-throat move by mentioning to a female coworker that another female coworker was, quote, "soft in all the right places". My sister got me a shirt for Christmas that reads, "I'm sorry for what I said. It wasn't supposed to be out loud." Too damn accurate. My mouth has been getting me in trouble since grade school.

Now, to the OP. Guilt... I can certainly see where you're coming from. I have a general aversion to being overweight myself. Though I never really have been, and I'm lazy enough that I've managed to develop a rather soft belly (albiet at only 6' 3" and 180 lbs.), the only time I was even marginally close to being "fat" was way back when my family took a trip to Disney World (or Land... whichever one is in Florida), and my metabolism - then still an excellent piece of regulatory machinery (I gained weight when I grew, that's about it) - doubled over in pain from the weeklong fast food diet and I gained about 10 pounds in fewer days. Lost it all within the same period of time when we got back, but still... I'm rambling. I've been watching House, I'm in cynical intellect mode.

Anyhow, I hate the idea of being overweight from anything other than muscularity, and eventually I will tire of this little spare tire and work it off. So yeah, I definitely feel bad about wanting a woman with attributes I'm blatantly against having myself. Does it make sense? Not really. Will that stop me from worrrying? Not really.
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Old 12-28-2007, 12:56 AM   #36
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i dont really have anything relevant to add, as for the longest time i was reading (without my glasses) FA QUILT not FA guilt and was wondering what the hell an FA blanket was....

I thought it was "quilt" too at first.

A VERY LARGE quilt.

Haha.
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Old 12-28-2007, 04:52 PM   #37
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That is, why feel guilty...unless you think fat is bad? Which it's not, right? So stop feeling guilty. I don't think yer hard body is better than my squishy one
Bears repeating. In fact, I think I'll rent billboard space!

I mean...isn't that kinda why we're all here? Great post, Lizzie.
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Old 12-28-2007, 05:43 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by AnnMarie View Post
I'm not trying to oversimplify, but I think you're making an issue where there is no need.

Almost all of us desire a different body for ourselves and our partner, whether it be fat/thin/athletic/short/tall, etc. Why your desire for you body would cause you guilt over something you find aesthetically pleasing is confusing to me.

Now, the idea of guilt over you not accepting yourself as is, but wanting her to do just that... I can at least see the issue, but not the reason for it to linger. Again, we want different things - if you desire change in your body or enjoy the feeling of that change, then that's about you. You wanting her to find a happy, content feeling in her current larger size is about you (your attraction to the size) and her (wanting her to feel content and not at odds with her body). I think that's simple human nature.

We're selfish beings at the core. We do a good job of caring and giving and loving, but we are still animals at base and the things that wind your clock are always going to play a role in your feelings and dealings with romantic partners. Doesn't mean you have to act on them, but having the feelings and thoughts does not always mean there's a problem.

In other words - let yourself off the hook, it's not a big deal for you to be one way and like something else on the other side of the bed.
You really put things so well!
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Old 12-28-2007, 08:17 PM   #39
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Since when do men and women have to like the same things? Since when do FAs have to mirror the women they desire?

You feel guilty? No offense but this subject is quite bizarre in my view. I've met a lot of FAs in my time - the vast majority of them being thin men- and I have never met one that felt guilty about being different from the woman he has or wants.

Myself, I am a thin and muscular FA and I LOVE fat super soft women. No thin women for me, and do I feel guilty over my being masculine and wanting her to be feminine? Nope...Inconceivable actually, for me anyway. I am going out on a limb here but I think most men and women still don't want to look like the opposite sex or have partners that look like they do- all in spite of what our androgynous / unisex happy culture insists upon.
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Old 12-31-2007, 06:28 AM   #40
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Originally Posted by liz (di-va) View Post
Ditto ditto ditto, AM. It honestly wouldn't occur to me to attach guilt to body difference. What's to feel guilty about? People don't usually feel guilty about liking redheads or short chicks or linebackers. Are couples supposed to match down to their matchin sweaters? ... [That is, why feel guilty...unless you think fat is bad? Which it's not, right? So stop feeling guilty. I don't think yer hard body is better than my squishy one and in fact, the difference is part o the charm.]
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I'm not trying to oversimplify, but I think you're making an issue where there is no need. ... In other words - let yourself off the hook, it's not a big deal for you to be one way and like something else on the other side of the bed.
Thanks for the incredibly incisive posts. These were interesting things to think about... And after some thinking, I believe a big part of it lies in that I don't really accept my own weight gain fantasies (though I do a bad job of repressing them too, thus my presence here!). So I want her to gain weight, I love her fatter, but I can't enjoy it because in the back of my mind I'm thinking that somehow I've subliminally or even overtly encouraged this - that she's doing something to herself for my sake rather than hers. I'm laughing as I write this - is that narcisistic or what?

Earlier in the relationship, I'd make "disappointed" comments when she lost weight or talked about wanting to lose weight, funny ones, but eventually she called me on it and I realized it wasn't cool, and I stopped. I want to accept her as she is, or as she wants to be, whatever that is, especially after such a long (18 years!) intense relationship. When I was chubbier, had she in any way encouraged me to get thinner (for instance), I'd have freaked, considered it a betrayal. I'm sensitive about such things so I guess I project that onto her.
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Old 12-31-2007, 07:43 AM   #41
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Since when do men and women have to like the same things? Since when do FAs have to mirror the women they desire?

You feel guilty? No offense but this subject is quite bizarre in my view. I've met a lot of FAs in my time - the vast majority of them being thin men- and I have never met one that felt guilty about being different from the woman he has or wants.

Myself, I am a thin and muscular FA and I LOVE fat super soft women. No thin women for me, and do I feel guilty over my being masculine and wanting her to be feminine? Nope...Inconceivable actually, for me anyway. I am going out on a limb here but I think most men and women still don't want to look like the opposite sex or have partners that look like they do- all in spite of what our androgynous / unisex happy culture insists upon.
Weirdly enough, i actually agree with most of this post.

The only thing i have to take issue with is the idea of a thin, muscular body being masculine and a larger, softer body being feminine. I realize it's true for you, but if you look at the FFA/BHM board, there are a lot of women who like the contrast in the opposite direction, i.e. they prefer themselves to be smaller and their male partners to be larger. Additionally, while it's clear that many of us have our own definitions of what masculine and feminine mean, many smaller or average FFAs see the contrast as being between smaller bodies being more womanly and larger, broader bodies being more masculine.
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