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Old 04-30-2014, 08:33 AM   #176
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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
i don't think the writer meant that people had to develop a shopping mentality if they used a dating site but that it could encourage it. i think they meant the temptation was there not to be open to different kinds of people and different experiences.
I don't think you have to develop a shopper's mentality but it is not inherently bad thing if you do either. Sure, you could be missing out on some great unknowns. But if you have circumstances that don't allow /encourage going beyond a narrow dating pool/comfort zone, then the shopping mentality may work for some people.

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so what if some awesome juicy fat girl did not consider herself BBW because she doesn't like labels or she didn't even know what one was or didn't even need to know? what if she didn't even think that being fat was the most important thing about her though she liked her looks? maybe she was into something that interested her and that is what she focused on in her profile, so she never posted on something like a BBW site? you or some other guy would never have the chance to meet her. that stuff can also cause people to miss out. i know a whole lot of women like that. no wonder a lot o guys think there aren't any here they are or they aren't interested in what they are interested in. their search is too narrow.
There's two aspects of online dating...what you put out there in your dating profile and what your looking for in the opposite sex's profile. In my profile , I was quick to say that I had two kids. That is a deal breaker for a number of people. Some folks either don't want to be a stepparent or fool with an ex even in a limited capacity. Then I would discuss my interests. The last line would then cover my physical preference with "BBW/fat/plus sized...whatever verbiage you prefer." Hopefully, by discussing the physical aspect last, the message got across that it was not all about the fat and nothing else with me.

I can say I never encountered anyone involved in the size acceptance community or with an awareness of what all it entails. However, if a woman who is fat knows what "fat" and "plus sized" means. And if they were just on mainstream dating sites , they probably know what "BBW" means since that is almost always used as a substitute for "fat".

Now, when I looked at the various profiles of women, I zeroed in on looks first (size actually). I figured if I had a physical preference, use that as a starting point; it seemed logical. Truthfully, I wouldn't expect a woman, thin or BBW, to do otherwise. From there, you start filtering through things like kids, religion, political views, interests, etc.
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Old 04-30-2014, 09:03 AM   #177
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list or no lists. any way you slice it a white guys having to ask a white woman if she has ever dated a black man before he can decide to date her is messed up and prejudiced.
Hmmm.. so along this line of "logic", is it equally as offensive if in the same context and same connotation, a BBW asks a man if he has ever dated a BBW before?
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Old 04-30-2014, 09:36 AM   #178
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Asking a man if he ever dated a bbw before, would be a matter of curiosity, you wouldn't think less of him if he had or if he hadn't. It's a different kind of question, it's not loaded.
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Old 04-30-2014, 09:40 AM   #179
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for sure. a humanly disconnected list is a huge dark hole of need.
What happened to wanting what you want and not settling?
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Old 04-30-2014, 09:40 AM   #180
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Asking a man if he ever dated a bbw before, would be a matter of curiosity, you wouldn't think less of him if he had or if he hadn't. It's a different kind of question, it's not loaded.
Same as asking someone if they date outside their group - it all depends on the context and as to whether someone feel it is loaded or not- that is up to them....
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Old 04-30-2014, 09:41 AM   #181
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What happened to wanting what you want and not settling?
Well for some it may not matter and that's how they roll
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Old 04-30-2014, 09:44 AM   #182
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Asking a man if he ever dated a bbw before, would be a matter of curiosity, you wouldn't think less of him if he had or if he hadn't. It's a different kind of question, it's not loaded.
I could see where a BBW might be suspicious as to why a guy is dating a BBW for the first time. He could have some sort of nefarious motive ("hogging" I believe is the term I am looking for) or just some cruel asshole. On the other hand, he might be trying something new that looked appealing to him. Want know until either you ask or time bears it out.
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Old 04-30-2014, 10:02 AM   #183
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Originally Posted by Marlayna View Post
Asking a man if he ever dated a bbw before, would be a matter of curiosity, you wouldn't think less of him if he had or if he hadn't. It's a different kind of question, it's not loaded.
Asking if someone dates outside their race/culture is a curiosity question as well for the most part.

Both questions can have a negative connotation. A bbw can ask a man why he is choosing to date a BBW because she has had bad experiences in the past and is suspicious. Or she could feel that he is a close FA and only fucks big girls on the LD.

So as you can see, both questions can be interpreted the same way. It all just depends on how the person being asked is interpreting the question based on thier own experiences.

This is why I say that people need to put their prejudices aside and their past experiences aside and take people for who they are. Not everyone is coming for a good reason and not everyone is coming for a bad reason. But you have to take every situation on it's own merit and not bring to it any prejudices or experiences of the past.

Every experience is a new one and should therefore be treated as such.
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Old 04-30-2014, 10:04 AM   #184
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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
i don't think the writer meant that people had to develop a shopping mentality if they used a dating site but that it could encourage it. i think they meant the temptation was there not to be open to different kinds of people and different experiences.

so what if some awesome juicy fat girl did not consider herself BBW because she doesn't like labels or she didn't even know what one was or didn't even need to know? what if she didn't even think that being fat was the most important thing about her though she liked her looks? maybe she was into something that interested her and that is what she focused on in her profile, so she never posted on something like a BBW site? you or some other guy would never have the chance to meet her. that stuff can also cause people to miss out. i know a whole lot of women like that. no wonder a lot o guys think there aren't any here they are or they aren't interested in what they are interested in. their search is too narrow.

...
Narrowing the field is essential when internet dating. There are literally millions of profiles online. The trick is to narrow the field to a reasonable number. A good profile discourages people you wouldn't have been interested in anyway. A good search uses the available proxies to best narrow the field.

When I had a profile I didn't hedge my bets and check the agnostic box -- I purposefully checked the atheist box. Likewise didn't check the politically middle of the road box -- I purposefully checked the liberal box. In the text of my profile I mentioned books, movies, and music that definitely would not have appealed to an NRA member or NASCAR fan.

The search tools on most internet dating sites are quite limited. My basic search terms were: college graduate; professionally employed; non-smoker; and atheist/agnostic/not religious. I would also look at profile photos -- natural fiber clothes and casual setting yes -- fancy cloths and professional portraits no.

The whole point of internet dating is to locate people with a substantial probability of compatibility. To that end narrower is better.

Last edited by bigmac; 04-30-2014 at 10:15 AM.
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Old 04-30-2014, 10:09 AM   #185
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Originally Posted by Marlayna View Post
Asking a man if he ever dated a bbw before, would be a matter of curiosity, you wouldn't think less of him if he had or if he hadn't. It's a different kind of question, it's not loaded.
That is one way to spin it.
At Dimensions we have a better understanding of that questions possible origin. Several women talk about dating a "TRIED and true FA" or make statements like, "I will ONLY date an FA". There is a lot of fear or apprehension with entering into a romantic situation and seeking some commonality can ease that tension.
It can still be prejudicial.
Whether or not a man has dated a BBW before can be a very loaded question.
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Old 04-30-2014, 11:01 AM   #186
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What happened to wanting what you want and not settling?
there is a big difference from settling and accepting abuse and other damaging behavior. besides if it's the person you can really be happy with is that really settling just because they don't fit some kind of weird superficial myth of perfection? there is something called balance.

is a white woman actually settling just because she choses a black man? there aren't any black men who excel?
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Old 04-30-2014, 11:04 AM   #187
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That is one way to spin it.
At Dimensions we have a better understanding of that questions possible origin. Several women talk about dating a "TRIED and true FA" or make statements like, "I will ONLY date an FA". There is a lot of fear or apprehension with entering into a romantic situation and seeking some commonality can ease that tension.
It can still be prejudicial.
Whether or not a man has dated a BBW before can be a very loaded question.
Well, I've never looked at it that way, but I can see where a woman might feel that.
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Old 04-30-2014, 11:05 AM   #188
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Narrowing the field is essential when internet dating. There are literally millions of profiles online. The trick is to narrow the field to a reasonable number. A good profile discourages people you wouldn't have been interested in anyway. A good search uses the available proxies to best narrow the field.

When I had a profile I didn't hedge my bets and check the agnostic box -- I purposefully checked the atheist box. Likewise didn't check the politically middle of the road box -- I purposefully checked the liberal box. In the text of my profile I mentioned books, movies, and music that definitely would not have appealed to an NRA member or NASCAR fan.

The search tools on most internet dating sites are quite limited. My basic search terms were: college graduate; professionally employed; non-smoker; and atheist/agnostic/not religious. I would also look at profile photos -- natural fiber clothes and casual setting yes -- fancy cloths and professional portraits no.

The whole point of internet dating is to locate people with a substantial probability of compatibility. To that end narrower is better.
internet dating accounts for a lot of couples, but not the vast majority. so that means there are people still out there meeting very successfully in the broader world where you can't and don't control everything and everybody who comes across their paths. so a broad scope is still working very well for quite a lot of people.
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Old 04-30-2014, 11:17 AM   #189
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Asking a man if he ever dated a bbw before, would be a matter of curiosity, you wouldn't think less of him if he had or if he hadn't. It's a different kind of question, it's not loaded.
nope not the same re: prejuidce because it's testing for inclusion and not exclusion.

the only thing that is similar is that both are asking the question out of a kind of insecurity. so actually IMO neither is a good question to be asking. if a woman asks if a guy dates BBWs that means she is so insecure with herself that she can't even go by the fact that a guy is standing in front of her flirting.

a white guy who asks about the race of previous lovers of a white woman is also acting out of insecurity. either it's penis size he is worried about or what other people will think of her previous liaisons or he is just extremely prejudiced himself, which s also a kind or fear or insecurity.

either way both people need to work on themselves more before they go putting all of that insecurity off on other people as though they have a right to or as though either is legitimate.
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Old 04-30-2014, 11:43 AM   #190
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I don't think you have to develop a shopper's mentality but it is not inherently bad thing if you do either. Sure, you could be missing out on some great unknowns. But if you have circumstances that don't allow /encourage going beyond a narrow dating pool/comfort zone, then the shopping mentality may work for some people.



There's two aspects of online dating...what you put out there in your dating profile and what your looking for in the opposite sex's profile. In my profile , I was quick to say that I had two kids. That is a deal breaker for a number of people. Some folks either don't want to be a stepparent or fool with an ex even in a limited capacity. Then I would discuss my interests. The last line would then cover my physical preference with "BBW/fat/plus sized...whatever verbiage you prefer." Hopefully, by discussing the physical aspect last, the message got across that it was not all about the fat and nothing else with me.

I can say I never encountered anyone involved in the size acceptance community or with an awareness of what all it entails. However, if a woman who is fat knows what "fat" and "plus sized" means. And if they were just on mainstream dating sites , they probably know what "BBW" means since that is almost always used as a substitute for "fat".

Now, when I looked at the various profiles of women, I zeroed in on looks first (size actually). I figured if I had a physical preference, use that as a starting point; it seemed logical. Truthfully, I wouldn't expect a woman, thin or BBW, to do otherwise. From there, you start filtering through things like kids, religion, political views, interests, etc.

the thing is you can't filter a lot of things online unless you take everything people say about themselves as the truth. sometimes people lie outright. sometimes they are deluded about who and what they actually are. besides all of that there is absolutely no way to gauge real chemistry online. and there are just a ton of small things that won't be in a profile and also things about people you have no idea about whether you'll like it or dislike it.

what the writer means by shopping mentality isn't just about the act of a person finding a mate online but the fact that since some have that opportunity they are constantly on the hunt because there is always more "product" out there instead of settling in and finding out about particulars like chemistry values and other things that come after the superficial, they get stuck at that superficial level instead of ever letting themselves get to the stage where they can go deeper. they are always looking for a better mouse trap. so like the studies say of course not everyone gets stuck there but enough people do that they need to be aware that they have to spend time and actually get to know people and focus instead of constantly shopping for the perfect profile that ticks off absolutely everything on their list.

to be honest, if i see a guy focused on lists either on or offline i already know our temperaments would not be suited to one another. so it is helpful just knowing that about somebody. people waving lists make me feel that my freedom to be who i am is being taken away. it's alright if somebody knows what they want in a relationship but i really don't want it recited to me as though i am expected to conform or as if they they are entitled to get it from me or anybody else--which is often how it comes across. it makes them look really selfish.

people who actually put their list out there are inviting people to pretend they are whatever is on that list just long enough to get what they want anyway. better to let people be who they are and see from there if things can work out. you're much more likely to get the real person. i think people are making it way too hard for themselves and for the people they date. dating is not supposed to be a stressful interview. it's supposed to be fun. if you don't fit you can at least walk away with a friend. there are a lot of nutty people out there who are going around telling other people that they are not this or that. it's just not necessary to get into all of that with people you aren't interested in. often it's a power play and that a load of childish hooey too to be bringing into a relationship. it's the you're not exactly what i want so i get to have the power thing. those people need to get dumped too.
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Old 04-30-2014, 11:44 AM   #191
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Default In regards to on-line dating...

For those who like to read articles.. here you go... one-third of married couples in the US met-online...

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-styl...icle-1.1362743

(cliped for space value)

WASHINGTON - More than one third of U.S. marriages begin with online dating, and those couples may be slightly happier than couples who meet through other means, a U.S. study out Monday found.

"We found evidence for a dramatic shift since the advent of the Internet in how people are meeting their spouse," said the study, led by John Cacioppo of the University of Chicago's Department of Psychology.

However, some experts took issue with the findings because the survey was commissioned by eHarmony.com, the dating site that attracted one quarter of all online marriages according to the research.

Cacioppo acknowledged being a "paid scientific advisor" for the website, but said the researchers followed procedures provided by the Journal of the American Medical Association and agreed to oversight by independent statisticians.

People who reported meeting their spouse online tended to be age 30-49 and of higher income brackets than those who met their spouses offline, the survey found.

Of those who did not meet online, nearly 22 percent met through work, 19 percent through friends, nine percent at a bar or club and four percent at church, the study said.

So who is happier?

When researchers looked at how many couples had divorced by the end of the survey period, they found that 5.96 percent of online married couples had broken up, compared to 7.67 percent of offline married couples.

The difference remained statistically significant even after controlling for variables like year of marriage, sex, age, education, ethnicity, household income, religion and employment status.

Among couples who were still married during the survey, those who met online reported higher marital satisfaction -- an average score of 5.64 on a satisfaction survey -- than those who met offline and averaged 5.48.

The lowest satisfaction rates were reported by people who met through family, work, bars/clubs or blind dates.

"These data suggest that the Internet may be altering the dynamics and outcomes of marriage itself," said Cacioppo.

"It is possible that individuals who met their spouse online may be different in personality, motivation to form a long-term marital relationship, or some other factor."


Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-styl...#ixzz30OdnUpfh
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Old 04-30-2014, 11:50 AM   #192
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Originally Posted by lucca23v2 View Post
For those who like to read articles.. here you go... one-third of married couples in the US met-online...

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-styl...icle-1.1362743

(cliped for space value)

WASHINGTON - More than one third of U.S. marriages begin with online dating, and those couples may be slightly happier than couples who meet through other means, a U.S. study out Monday found.

"We found evidence for a dramatic shift since the advent of the Internet in how people are meeting their spouse," said the study, led by John Cacioppo of the University of Chicago's Department of Psychology.

However, some experts took issue with the findings because the survey was commissioned by eHarmony.com, the dating site that attracted one quarter of all online marriages according to the research.

Cacioppo acknowledged being a "paid scientific advisor" for the website, but said the researchers followed procedures provided by the Journal of the American Medical Association and agreed to oversight by independent statisticians.

People who reported meeting their spouse online tended to be age 30-49 and of higher income brackets than those who met their spouses offline, the survey found.

Of those who did not meet online, nearly 22 percent met through work, 19 percent through friends, nine percent at a bar or club and four percent at church, the study said.

So who is happier?

When researchers looked at how many couples had divorced by the end of the survey period, they found that 5.96 percent of online married couples had broken up, compared to 7.67 percent of offline married couples.

The difference remained statistically significant even after controlling for variables like year of marriage, sex, age, education, ethnicity, household income, religion and employment status.

Among couples who were still married during the survey, those who met online reported higher marital satisfaction -- an average score of 5.64 on a satisfaction survey -- than those who met offline and averaged 5.48.

The lowest satisfaction rates were reported by people who met through family, work, bars/clubs or blind dates.

"These data suggest that the Internet may be altering the dynamics and outcomes of marriage itself," said Cacioppo.

"It is possible that individuals who met their spouse online may be different in personality, motivation to form a long-term marital relationship, or some other factor."


Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-styl...#ixzz30OdnUpfh

awesome! there are a lot of people out there who are using the technology right and not just continually shopping but actually focusing in on somebody enough to get to know them and actually have a good solid relationship
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Old 04-30-2014, 11:59 AM   #193
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awesome! there are a lot of people out there who are using the technology right and not just continually shopping but actually focusing in on somebody enough to get to know them and actually have a good solid relationship
Like everything else, on-line dating can be used in a good way or a bad way. it comes down to what the person wants to do.

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Old 04-30-2014, 12:26 PM   #194
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Like everything else, on-line dating can be used in a good way or a bad way. it comes down to what the person wants to do.
Yes. It is indeed just that ...a tool. Now whether it is one for good or bad is ultimately up to the user.
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Old 04-30-2014, 12:29 PM   #195
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Like everything else, on-line dating can be used in a good way or a bad way. it comes down to what the person wants to do.
no one said anything different. the article was quoted for the definition of shopping mentality.
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Old 04-30-2014, 12:53 PM   #196
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no one said anything different. the article was quoted for the definition of shopping mentality.

I'm not understand your point -- everyone shops for a mate -- always have -- always will. The internet just makes the whole affair a little more -- again, that's not a bad thing.
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Old 04-30-2014, 12:55 PM   #197
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I'm not understand your point -- everyone shops for a mate -- always have -- always will. The internet just makes the whole affair a little more -- again, that's not a bad thing.
read the definition of shopping mentality in the article. that should help.
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Old 04-30-2014, 12:56 PM   #198
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awesome! there are a lot of people out there who are using the technology right and not just continually shopping but actually focusing in on somebody enough to get to know them and actually have a good solid relationship
When they meet someone they feel like investing in they will. You have to throw a lot of fish back before you find one you'd like to keep.
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Old 04-30-2014, 01:04 PM   #199
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When they meet someone they feel like investing in they will. You have to throw a lot of fish back before you find one you'd like to keep.
lol.. from a shopping list to fish. next the men will be frogs to kiss. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we have hit every major metaphor for this.
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Old 04-30-2014, 01:31 PM   #200
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This isn't about penis.

Here's the bottom line. People ask about race because they want to know about the other persons preference toward dating someone ghetto/barrio/back woods/rice paddy..etc. They want to know if you like to date (in their mind) the stereotypical negative element of any particular race/group. It's racist and yet, in the mind of the person asking, it is possible that it isn't to them. (then again, it can be totally be about race just because they are complete racists)

Right or wrong, we do this because we think it gives us insight into another's personality and we want to avoid things that what will cause problems; real or perceived.

I have been asked if I have had sex with a prostitute or frequent strip joints. I doubt it was because the woman was insecure about her bedroom skills. I have also been asked if I attended church or belonged to a particular religion. I have a prejudice against dating intravenous drug users, drug dealers, meth/coke heads and murderers or people who've dated heroin/meth/cocaine users/dealers. I don't have a problem with asking questions related to that subject because I am prejudiced. Does that make me bad? Maybe. Probably. Definitely?

There's the rub. We all have prejudices. It is just a matter of what you find acceptable to be prejudiced about. For some, it's race; for others it's a matter of size. Others still, it's about mental health or cats or mobility or crime or liking "Everybody Loves Raymond" or money or education or religion or...etc.

Lastly...should we automatically change our opinion about asking if you date fat people depending on the size or gender of the inquirer and responder? (fat/fat or fat/thin or thin/thin) OR, is it all prejudiced and sizeist or not at all?
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