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Old 05-18-2016, 06:26 PM   #776
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God says to Peter "I want to go on vacation "
Peter- How about Mars?
God - No, too hot.
Peter - Pluto?
God- I'm not sure it exists
Peter - earth?
God- No, too much gossip, I got with some hot Jewish chick 2000 years ago and they are still talking about it.
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Old 05-18-2016, 06:29 PM   #777
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Have you ever been on the road and someone is using their windshield washers and some of the spray hits you?
That's why I would never want to be in a orgy.
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Old 05-18-2016, 07:22 PM   #778
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I apologize if I or someone else posted this...
What does a southerner say if he has a deer with no eyes?
I got no eye deer.
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Old 05-23-2016, 12:34 PM   #779
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My baby owl has laryngitis – he doesn’t give a hoot
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Old 05-23-2016, 12:40 PM   #780
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My baby owl has laryngitis – he doesn’t give a hoot
Reminds me of an old Yogi Yorgesson song "I don't give a hewoot"
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Old 05-24-2016, 01:40 AM   #781
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Old 06-07-2016, 05:34 PM   #782
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A company has developed a new toilet paper and is giving samples to take home, try, and name the new toilet paper.
One family tried the product and named it John Wayne.
It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take crap from anyone.
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Old 09-12-2016, 12:19 PM   #783
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What do you get when two sheets of carbon paper go out together………………. carbon dating
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Old 09-16-2016, 09:30 PM   #784
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Why did the turd take a nap in the bowl?

Because it was pooped.
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Old 09-29-2016, 05:01 PM   #785
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Why is it a bad idea to fart in an iPhone store?


Because there are no windows
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Old 09-29-2016, 05:02 PM   #786
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Why is it a bad idea to fart in an iPhone store?


Because there are no windows
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Old 11-04-2016, 01:42 PM   #787
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For the BHM and FFA contingent:



A big man got on the bus and took a seat.

Seeing him, another passenger said, "If that belly was on a woman, she'd be in a family way."

The man looked the other passenger in the eye and said, "It was, and she is."


-- Redd Foxx
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Old 11-14-2016, 01:17 PM   #788
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Its a bit early for Christmas Jokes - but one has to start sometime:

How did Mary and Joseph Know Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born ?


They had 'A Weigh in A Manger"
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Old 11-14-2016, 01:22 PM   #789
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CPProp View Post
Its a bit early for Christmas Jokes - but one has to start sometime:

How did Mary and Joseph Know Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born ?


They had 'A Weigh in A Manger"
When I started reading the joke, I thought you were going to say "The took him to a local kosher meat counter. They always have scales there."
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Old 11-14-2016, 06:57 PM   #790
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And here I am, unable to rep either of you again.


Oy, vey!
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Old 12-11-2016, 03:43 PM   #791
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Another Christmas silly joke

John: We are having Grandma for Christmas Dinner.

Andrew: Really we are having a turkey
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Old 12-31-2016, 06:34 PM   #792
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New Years Eve Joke


A drunken man walks into a bar with jumper cables dangling over his neck. Bartender says: "You can stay ...just don't start anything."
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Old 01-27-2017, 09:16 PM   #793
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here"
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Old 01-29-2017, 11:48 PM   #794
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.



He soon realized she was heading straight towards his
seat .

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,

" Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston ."


He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she
was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"


" Lecturer," she responded.

" I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


Really?" he said.

"And what kind of myths are there?"


" Well," she explained,
"One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. " I'm sorry," she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."


"Tonto," the man said,
" Tonto Goldstein,
but my friends call me Bubba."
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Old 02-16-2017, 08:23 PM   #795
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(This one is best spoken. But hey,what are you going to 2)

I am addicted to heroin.
Thats right, I am addicted to women that saves people's lives.
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Old 02-16-2017, 08:24 PM   #796
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(What are you going to do) sorry!
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Old 02-16-2017, 08:45 PM   #797
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What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
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Old 02-17-2017, 11:14 AM   #798
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What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
That actually made me laugh out loud
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Old 02-17-2017, 12:45 PM   #799
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What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?
(Scratching head) I think I'll have to consult with Hoo_Hoo_Tai on that one.


A-ha! (Opening the envelope) Conundrum!
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Old 03-21-2017, 06:39 PM   #800
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A sailor has been at sea for months and finally gets a shore leave. He's excited to get drunk and hire a hooker and he proceeds to do just exactly that. Unfortunately, he drinks a little more than he should before sex and he's having a bit of trouble.
Of course, in his own drunken mind he's such a stud that he thinks the hooker won't notice.

"How am I doing, Baby?" he asks her.

"I'd say you're doing about 3 nots, Sailor" she replies.

Thinking she means the nautical term, he's a bit confused.

"3 knots? what do you mean?" He asks.

Says the hooker, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're NOT getting your money back!"
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