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Old 04-08-2007, 08:24 PM   #51
Green Eyed Fairy
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^^Happy to oblige *curtsies*
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 04-08-2007, 08:54 PM   #52
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Default Huggzz

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
^^Happy to oblige *curtsies*
You're too sweet, Green Eyed Fairy, have a couple soft, warm, squooshy verbal HUGGZZ from me!
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Old 04-08-2007, 09:53 PM   #53
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Today's Aesop Fable


Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. The boy never understood why it was there, but like it or not, he was stuck with it.


All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.


One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.


After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awakens, the screw will have been removed.


The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple haze floated in an open window, bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.


The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!


Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off.


The moral of the story:

"Don't screw around with things you don't understand .... you could lose your ass."

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Old 04-10-2007, 04:34 AM   #54
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Q - How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A - You neek up on it.

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Old 04-10-2007, 08:50 AM   #55
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The psychology professor at a small, rural college had invited a psychic to speak to the class about his experiments with the paranormal. After the lecture, the psychic quizzed the students about their own experiences with the supernatural.
"Has anyone here ever seen a ghost?" he asked. After a moment, six hands went hesitantly up.
"And has anyone here ever touched, or been touched by, a ghost?" Three hands.
Finally the psychic asked, "Has anyone here ever, er, had sex with a ghost?" One young man raised his hand.
"You have?' crowed the jubilant psychic. "You've actually had sex with a ghost?"
"Oh, uh, no," the boy answered. "I thought you said with a goat."
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Old 04-11-2007, 07:17 PM   #56
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Did you hear about the new "Lassie" movie? It's gonna be called "Long Time, No Tree".


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Old 04-11-2007, 08:21 PM   #57
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^^Wayne, that one was so corny it made me smile
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 04-13-2007, 06:19 PM   #58
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD Player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed.

"Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 04-14-2007, 08:23 AM   #59
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wayne_Zitkus View Post
Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?

That one reminded me....did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
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Old 04-14-2007, 08:36 AM   #60
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Default Mercy

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus
Hahaha!!!, Green Eyed Fairy, "Jesus loves the little children......".
but He'll have no mercy on that burglar!!!
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Old 04-18-2007, 10:42 PM   #61
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The Nun and the Soldier

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."


The nun agreed.

Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"


The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

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Old 04-19-2007, 11:12 AM   #62
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Please pardon the horrible grammar.

So this guy has taken his son, Alex, to the same dentist for 15 years. Ever since he was a little boy.
Alex is familiar with the dentist, a woman. Alex's father sets him up on a blind date with the dentists daughter, whom he has never met before.
So the day arrives that he will be going on a date with the daughter, Sarah.
Alex is aware of a party that one of his buddies is throwing that night.
Alex arrives at Sarah's house quite early, enough time to catch a movie before the party.
Well, when Alex arrives at the house, the dentists answers the door, and Greetings are in place. The dentist then goes to get Sarah. Alex has no idea what to expect. To his horror, Sarah is disabled - She lives in a wheelchair. She has no legs. She is not ugly, but she is not gorgeous either. She is just average.
Well, they go to the movie, and they have those handicapped designated seating areas. Sarah stops in one of those, and Alex sits in a seat next to her. They are uncomfortably close to the screen. Sarah has to literally hoist herself up with her arms and sit there, holding herself up, in order to see the screen well.
So they get over with the movie. They liked it okay.
They head off to the party.
WHile they're at the party, Alex and Sarah are just sitting and conversing, enjoying the time together, but one of Alex's buddies comes up and asks him to join him for a beer and a conversation.
So Alex joins him in another room, and 30 minutes goes by. Alex forgot all about Sarah, whom is still sitting and waiting for him to return.
Alex gets up and joins her, and apologizes many times. To his astonishment, she leans over and kisses him. She says "It's okay, don't worry. I like you. Would you like to go have sex?"
Taken aback, Alex does agree to it, and Sarah leads him out of the house, to the backyard, where a tree is in the far corner.
He asks "We're going to do it right here? How?"
She says, "Simple." She hoists herself up to a low hanging branch.
She says "All you have to do is just pull my pants down, and you can do it like that."
So, he agrees, pulls off her pants, and bangs the crap out of her while she's hanging from the tree.
It's all said and done, and Alex takes Sarah home, where she has already zoomed inside. Alex walks up to the door to give his "Good evenings" to the family, and the father meets him at the front door.
The father asks "How was the date? Did you have a good time."
Alex says "Yeah, it was pretty good. =)"
The father says "I'm surprised you're here."
Alex asks "Why?"
The father says "Because most guys just leave her hanging in the tree."
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Old 04-19-2007, 01:09 PM   #63
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While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired,
"Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said,
"This just isn't gonna be your day..."

***************************


A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom,
"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay ".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot:
"So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says:
"No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."


*********************************


I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way. My friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 04-19-2007, 02:05 PM   #64
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
......When she reached the top she pulled

down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a

moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you

have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.
Hahaha!!!, Green Eyed Fairy, maybe the moral of THAT story should have been "things are NOT always as they appear"! LOL
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Not pious, just saved by grace. Your true Christianity
shows in how you treat those who hate you.

You got to lose to know how to win.(Aerosmith-Dream On)

Fat is like grass, it'll never go away and there's a hell
of a lot of money to be made by controlling it!

Life is only therapy, real expensive and no guarantees.

Fat is only ugly to those who hate.

Federal Pacific Panels & Breakers have known fire hazards!
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Old 04-19-2007, 03:14 PM   #65
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Q - What has four legs and one arm?

A - A rottweiler.

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Old 04-19-2007, 07:58 PM   #66
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Q What is it that a man does standing, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does with one leg lifted?



A Shake hands.
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Old 04-19-2007, 08:09 PM   #67
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Q - What's eight inches long and proves I'm a man?

A - My birth certificate.

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Old 04-20-2007, 03:42 AM   #68
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Q - What's brown and sticky?

A - A stick.

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Old 04-20-2007, 01:07 PM   #69
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Man storms into a bar and says, " Give me a shot of that green shit!" The bartender is a little doubtful, " You sure? That stuff is wicked."
" Just found out that my son is gay!"
Bartender pours the shot. The man drinks it down and leaves.

Two weeks later, he comes in again, " Give me a double of that green shit!"
Bartender pouring asks," What now?"
Man swallows and says "My other son is gay too!"

A couple of days later, he returns and ask for the rest of the bottle. The shocked bartender asks," Is there anyone in your family that likes women?"

After the first shot the man replies," Yep! My Wife!"

Peace,
2P.
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Old 04-20-2007, 04:50 PM   #70
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A man got a job as a school bus driver, and is assigned a bus with pictures of Ernie, Bert, and Big Bird on it.

The first day one the job, he drives up to the first stop, where he finds two fat girls waiting. As they get on, the first girl says, "Hi - my name is Patty." The second one says, "My name is Patty, too."

At the next stop, a small boy get on and says, "My name is Ross, but my parents think I'm so special they call me Special Ross,"

At the third stop, another boy gets on and says "Yo! - I'm Lester G!"

As the driver is heading toward their school, he notices a foul odor. He looks in the rear-view mirror and sees that Lester G has removed a shoe and is picking at a large bunion on the side of his foot.

After he drops the kids off at the school, he drives back to the bus yard, throws the keys down on the counter and tells the dispatcher "I QUIT!!!"

The dispatcher asks "Why?"

And the driver says "Why? I'll tell you why!!! I refuse to drive around town with two obese Pattys, Special Ross, and Lester G picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!!!"

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Old 04-20-2007, 11:03 PM   #71
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mango View Post
The Nun and the Soldier
OK, best joke I've read all year.
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Old 04-20-2007, 11:06 PM   #72
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By the way, why is it a bad idea to play cards in the jungle?

It's filled with cheetahs.
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Old 04-21-2007, 01:46 PM   #73
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Q. How can you make an elephant fly?


A. Three yards of material and a very large zipper.
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Old 04-23-2007, 12:27 PM   #74
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Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
________________________________
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Rich as Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem











*********************************

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you
the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have
one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!


Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him
to death.
AMEN


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"

Last edited by Green Eyed Fairy; 04-23-2007 at 12:32 PM.
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Old 04-23-2007, 12:37 PM   #75
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A preacher always told his kids never to curse. Then he told his wife that he wanted ham for dinner. So she went to the butcher's and asked for a ham. The buthcer told her they were out of ham, but had a new brand, called Damn Ham. She asked if it was good. The butcher told her it was delicious. So she bought a damn ham, brought it home & cooked it. At the dinner table that night, the preacher and the kids were raving about the ham. The wife asked the preacher, "You really like it?" He said "Like it? I LOVE it. Give me more damn ham" Then his son said "That's the spirit Dad. Now pass the fucking potatoes."
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