When the wife diets successfully

[SvenskFA]

I met my wife 7 years ago. She was 363 lbs back then. She lost down to 332 to easier get pregnant and after 2 babies she was at 286 lbs. As a FA i prefered her bigger but our overall life was better at this weight and our sex life was still good.

But this january she started a rather radical diet supervised by the hospital. I suspected I would be bothered by this but I never thought I would be this devastated about it. Our sex life has completely died and now that she is down to 210 lbs I don't find her sexy.

I love her as much as always but I don't know how to get our intimacy going again. This is a very big problem for me and advice like "love will find a way" isn't helping. If I could shut my FA-ness off everything would be fine but since that isn't possible I need another way.

I would really apreciate advice from other FAs who have dealt with this.

[Dr. Feelgood]

Our minds and bodies surprise us; sometimes they trick us. You need to talk with someone who has made a study of bodies and emotions: a counselor, or even a sex therapist. We at Dims will support you, but we can't advise you the way a professional can. Please seek help from someone who is trained to deal with problems like yours. And please let us know how your life is going: we are your friends.

[lucca23v2]

That is a hard situation. I can understand that you love the person, but if you are no longer sexually attracted, that can be a problem. I second what Dr. feelgood said. I suggest you seek professional help because the two of you are in a difficult situation.

I wish you the best.

[bigmac]

I'm probably too cynical but it seems to me that the only thing counselors and therapists are good at is generating invoices.

[Dromond]

Love doesn't conquer all, happily ever after does not exist, people can change in ways you don't like, and shit happens. You have to decide whether or not you still want to be with her. A marriage can survive without intimacy and desire, but it isn't easy or fun. If you can't find it within yourself to be intimate with her because most of the fat is gone, then it's time to let her go.

If that sounds cruel, well, welcome to Earth.

[Dr. Feelgood]

Originally Posted by bigmac

I'm probably too cynical but it seems to me that the only thing counselors and therapists are good at is generating invoices.

You probably are, but you have a valid point (or you would, if you'd stick a "some" in front of the word "counselors"). In every profession there are the good, the bad, and the indifferent. Anyone planning to put himself or his affairs into the hands of another person needs to check that person out thoroughly.

[Tad]

Originally Posted by Dr. Feelgood

You probably are, but you have a valid point (or you would, if you'd stick a "some" in front of the word "counselors"). In every profession there are the good, the bad, and the indifferent. Anyone planning to put himself or his affairs into the hands of another person needs to check that person out thoroughly.

And I'd add that someone could be good for person A, but not for person B. A lot of the successful therapy/counselling stories I’ve heard start off with something like “On my fourth try I finally hit the jackpot and got someone I clicked with….”

[mediaboy]

No body wants to be that stereotype FA who can't their partner because they lost weight.

I recommend you guys get high as kites and then rediscover what's sexy about one another.

What ever you do don't ask her to gain weight. Asking some one to act in spite of their own desires and best interest is emotionally abusive as hell.

I mean when was the last time you guys just cuddled each other and petbone another's genitals?

When was the last time you guys just went down on the other while you guys watched The Princess Bride?

Maybe the weight loss is just the camel that broke the straws back? Maybe, you guys haven't been fucking for a long time? Maybe you've just been jerking off using each other's genitals for years but you haven't noticed until now?

[SvenskFA]

I appreciate all of your answers. I lean towards seeking counseling.

As for our sex life it was very good and frequent up until the drastic weight-loss began. I really am happy for her achivement and certainly won't ask her to gain the weight back. I just want to have a smilet on my face again when I see her naked and somehow forget how wonderful it was to be intimate when she was bigger.

[Tad]

One thought is that, based on talking with my friends at least, after kids a lot of couples have their sex lives break down to a greater or lesser degree. That things were good as long as they were says you have probably actually done better than many others. It doesn't make the current problem less frustrating much, I'd think, but still do try to keep in mind that you actually had it unusually good before.

[bigmac]

Originally Posted by Dromond

Love doesn't conquer all, happily ever after does not exist, people can change in ways you don't like, and shit happens. You have to decide whether or not you still want to be with her. A marriage can survive without intimacy and desire, but it isn't easy or fun. If you can't find it within yourself to be intimate with her because most of the fat is gone, then it's time to let her go.

If that sounds cruel, well, welcome to Earth.

Yes, people change -- you either deal with it or move on.

[bigmac]

Originally Posted by SvenskFA

...

I would really apreciate advice from other FAs who have dealt with this.

Find a good plastic surgeon and buy her bigger boobs. If you're fixated on her rack the state of the rest of her body won't be that important.

[Xyantha Reborn]

Bigmac that was pretty crass and does nothing to help shed the stigma of FA or men in general.

Svenski, it sounds like you love her still and were able to compromise on her size/your preferences already as she lost weight. From your post is seems purely physical, and i am assuming (to be blunt) its difficult for you to perform because you arent feeling it. If not, i apolgize for the inference. By that, i mean it has less to do with relationship issues than the physical act?

Does she know your preferences, could you focus on a specific area that has some chub to get you started? I know that even guys like my bhm sometimes have trouble get revving, but if i flaunt my ass or wear tight undies he perks up, and once there he is able to keep going. Also, maybe turn off the lights and or try some positions that were not possible before due to her weight, to spice things up?

I would also suggest just touching/cuddling. Maybe get a babysitter once a week so that you guys can have "you" time...yet without feeling the pressure of "this is a one time thing we better make the most of it and have sex"

[bigmac]

Originally Posted by Xyantha Reborn

Bigmac that was pretty crass and does nothing to help shed the stigma of FA or men in general.

...

Us guys are pretty primitive creatures -- if we can't get our fill of jiggly and bouncy one way why not another.

[Dromond]

I see you're pretty much the same outside Hyde Park as you are when in it.

[SvenskFA]

To Xyantha: You are correct. I still love her very much and I have troubles performing or even wanting now that she is this thin. So no relationship issues but big physical issues.

She knows of my preference. Your advice seems good and I will try to test them. I also like your last advice. We have already talked about that and are going to try that. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate them very much!

[bigmac]

Originally Posted by Xyantha Reborn

Bigmac that was pretty crass and does nothing to help shed the stigma of FA or men in general.

...

This is a thread about sexual attraction -- if we're going to be honest its going to have to be a bit crass. Looks matter -- anyone who says they don't is lying -- and this applies equally to both sexes.

If you don't find your sexual partner physically attractive the relationship is doomed. Its totally unreasonable to expect that your partner's looks will always remain the same (obviously we all age and change). However, human nature being what it is there are always going to be people who have a hard time with change.

For FA's accustomed to the look and feel of a large partner significant weight loss can be an issue. I suggested a workaround. I workaround that has worked pretty well for me I might add (my wife went from 522 pounds to 165 pounds). I never lost sexual interest (even before the reconstructive surgery that followed her weight loss) but augmentation has certainly had a positive influence (she likes them too).

[bigmac]

Originally Posted by Dromond

I see you're pretty much the same outside Hyde Park as you are when in it.

Sorry for offending your delicate sensibilities.

[WTF]

yea we know bigmac. your wife was fat, now shes not, her boobs are awesome.

youre a fuckin broken record.

[Durin]

For what it's worth there is a Vast difference between casual knowledge of your preference vs actual knowledge

Make her aware of the extent of the problem. Without judgement that she needs to change.

Then a solution might be reached

Also you might just wait and see if she regains

I was very concerned when my wife underwent wls Turned out not to be a problem as she did not lose as much as advertise

[dwesterny]

Originally Posted by Durin

For what it's worth there is a Vast difference between casual knowledge of your preference vs actual knowledge

Make her aware of the extent of the problem. Without judgement that she needs to change.

Then a solution might be reached

Also you might just wait and see if she regains

Disagree, I think you owe it to her to actively support her hard work and decision to be healthier. She wants to live longer to see her children grow up. Frankly I'm not even sure you should bring your problems up if she might be derailed by fear of losing you. If your wife had a double mastectomy would you say "Aww but baby I liked you better with boobs"?

[jakub]

Originally Posted by SvenskFA

Our sex life has completely died and now that she is down to 210 lbs I don't find her sexy.

I'm sorry that this happened to you and your family.

Originally Posted by SvenskFA

I love her as much as always but I don't know how to get our intimacy going again.

Sorry - it's over.

Originally Posted by SvenskFA

This is a very big problem for me and advice like "love will find a way" isn't helping.

This is fairy tale bullshit for weak minds.

From my perspective only options for you are: open relationship, divorce...or do nothing (and be miserable). This sounds hars but try to face it and turn off emotions for a moment - do the math and decide.

Sex is one of the basic instincts that needs to be satisfied, without it you will end up with depression and poor quality of life. I know that because I've been there.

[dwesterny]

Originally Posted by jakub

This sounds hars but try to face it and turn off emotions for a moment - do the math and decide.

I'm not certain turning off your emotions when thinking about your wife and the mother of your children is really the way to go.

[jakub]

Originally Posted by dwesterny

I'm not certain turning off your emotions when thinking about your wife and the mother of your children is really the way to go.

Yes it is, you just have to take everything possible into account. Your happiness will impact well being of other family members, can you be good for your children when you are miserable? Can you look at your wife and smile when you know deep down she is making your life pathetic?

If love is strong and people are open minded - open relationship could work.

[dwesterny]

Originally Posted by jakub

open relationship could work.

With kids you have to be careful with this. Word gets around. I remember a young guy just out of college came to work at a place I was working, like 10 years ago. A friend of mine at work who knew the guy's family told me about his parents open relationship.

I felt bad it was awkward for him, especially when I asked him for his mom's number.