FA Frustrations

[lostinadaydream]

I've a lot of frustration when I just want to tell a big girl that I like her and why. It's just impossible! Even girls I know for a long time, over a decade now, who are used to my preference of bigger girls and who know that I like them chubby, are kind of upset when I try to tell them that I love their chub. No matter how often I said positive things about their character and noted why we are good friends, it is definitively impossible to state that they have a sexy shape or that I love their rolls and chub.

[TwoSwords]

Originally Posted by huge

Do you guys feel like you have a less active dating life because of your preferences?

That's to say, do you find it harder to meet women and take them out? / Feel like you see more thin girls than fat girls?

Also, swinger, single, married, or in a relationship?

I definitely don't see that many fat girls in my real life, to the point where individual "sightings" become major memories in my mind, but I don't think it's really effected my social life much.

The overall negative attitude that most girls have about fatness has hurt it a lot more.

[TwoSwords]

Originally Posted by Yakatori

It really has more to do with how they don't really have so much invested in talking or negotiating with any one person. They literally approach hundreds if not thousands of people in the course of a week's time.

Intuitively, they seem to know precisely just how much to put into a relationship as to barely maintain it. But, again, it's more about volume; against the odds of such a wide pool, they're practically guaranteed to "get lucky" with a (relatively) much more consistent frequency.

Gosh, what a depressing thought, that just having those kinds of strong, sincere feelings for a single person hurts their chances of finding happiness so badly. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but if any part of this is true, I feel nothing but pity for Prince Charming from "Snow White," who was clearly only interested in one girl.

In fact, if this is true, I think escapism should be immediately de-stigmatized. If such powerful emotions are going to be dragged through the dirt as a matter of course, no one can be reasonably blamed for wanting to escape from reality for a while.

[quantumbits]

Originally Posted by loopytheone

The talk about clothes and stuff is very interesting to me. Especially as I am a BBW and have noticed that people can treat me very differently depending on the way I am dressed.

Most of the time I dress I dress in trainers, sweat pants, a men's t-shirt, no bra, no makeup, and just brushed but not styled hair. This is normal for me because this is how I feel comfortable. But often, when dressed like this, I get disregarded and ignored.

The other day I was going to view a flat and so had to look 'responsible' and so went out in makeup, hair up and styled, long skirt, boots etc and the way I am looked at and responded to is very different. I am taken more seriously by people when I am dressed like that. I find it pretty frustrating as I find being done up like this seriously uncomfortable, like I am in drag or something. It doesn't seem fair I get treated so much better when I look that way.

It is also frustrating to me that so many people negatively judge a woman for not wearing 'nice' clothes. There is even some of that on this board, with the implication that unless a woman is dressed stylishly then she has low self esteem, or she is trying to hide herself, or she has given up on life. That's kinda a horrible thing to assume/put on someone when you think about it, isn't it? I mean, it hurts to think that people think I have 'given up on myself' just because I'm fat and prefer the style of clothes that I like.

Just a thought for you all.

Regardless how uncomfortable it's for you to dress nicely and use makeup and all that, people generally respond more positively to others if it looks like they put effort into their appearance. I know it's harder for you to dress nicely because of your weight and available clothing choices.

[quantumbits]

Originally Posted by TwoSwords

Gosh, what a depressing thought, that just having those kinds of strong, sincere feelings for a single person hurts their chances of finding happiness so badly. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but if any part of this is true, I feel nothing but pity for Prince Charming from "Snow White," who was clearly only interested in one girl.

In fact, if this is true, I think escapism should be immediately de-stigmatized. If such powerful emotions are going to be dragged through the dirt as a matter of course, no one can be reasonably blamed for wanting to escape from reality for a while.

That reminds me more of a introverted person. And their trouble isn't being focused on a single person but not possessing the skills to interact socially under all conditions..

Who ever focuses on a single person? To develop social skills, we have to talk to a variety of people. Having a single love interest doesn't prevent someone from communicate with many others.

[TwoSwords]

Originally Posted by quantumbits

That reminds me more of a introverted person. And their trouble isn't being focused on a single person but not possessing the skills to interact socially under all conditions..

Who ever focuses on a single person? To develop social skills, we have to talk to a variety of people. Having a single love interest doesn't prevent someone from communicate with many others.

Well, sure, when it comes to just normal friendships, but I didn't think that's what we were talking about.

There are also other problems. When a person's interests and passions are uncommon, finding many different people to share them with becomes very unlikely. For instance, I've shared with literally hundreds of people, most of whom have fled like frightened rabbits within the first half-hour of time we spent together.

[BHMluver]

Over time I have become ever increasingly disenchanted w/ my spouse. Sometimes I wonder if I would not cut him loose save for the fact that he is a SSBHM. I have to ask myself, “Would I put up w/ all this crap if he were an average sized man?” (I know, ironic, huh?) A bit of size bias I guess ... ironically, cutting him break after break.

At what point does one say, “I don’t care if you are a big man. I just can’t do “you” anymore? Feeling sooo sad ... maybe FFA break ups are harder than an “average” break-up?At the end of the day, maybe there are more fitting fish in the pond ... albeit, and hopefully, large ones?

[TwoSwords]

Originally Posted by BHMluver

Over time I have become ever increasingly disenchanted w/ my spouse. Sometimes I wonder if I would not cut him loose save for the fact that he is a SSBHM. I have to ask myself, “Would I put up w/ all this crap if he were an average sized man?” (I know, ironic, huh?) A bit of size bias I guess ... ironically, cutting him break after break.

At what point does one say, “I don’t care if you are a big man. I just can’t do “you” anymore? Feeling sooo sad ... maybe FFA break ups are harder than an “average” break-up?At the end of the day, maybe there are more fitting fish in the pond ... albeit, and hopefully, large ones?

Having a size preference is perfectly normal. I think if there's any real danger to the relationship, it would probably be best to discuss this with him seriously, and let him know how bothered you are by... whatever's bothering you. The honeymoon will end, no matter who you end up with. The important thing is how you cope with that, and what kind of a person you want to be as a result.

[extra_m13]

you just hit the target. dating life will for sure be affected if you limited yourself to a specific kind of woman, so yeah if you are looking to date only bbw it will be difficult for many reasons. but of course, what is the point of dating skinny bitches who go to the gym 5 times a week?, thing is bbw are difficult to find for me at least, and as for all the population, they are not all beautiful or easy going and even a smaller number are happy with their curves so all they talk about is wanting to lose weight. finding a beautiful big woman, happy with her curves and happily eating without worrying about gaining weight is a true gem.

[In to it]

Sometimes I think maybe it's best to take a step back and breathe. If your preference is a bigger woman or man then the meeting might not happen because your mind is too targeted to find that perfect someone and they might pick up on this. I remember this one time when my partner and I went to go looking for clothes for her this one time. As we were moving about the aisles there were these two friends both on the heavy side. Well down by the change rooms while I was waiting for my partner to come out and show me how something looked on her one of these women came out and said to her friend what do you think about this. Her friend said it's a little too big don't you think and she replied back yeah I know but I love it so I'll grow into it. This is what I mean by taking a step back this was by chance what I overheard what you are looking for.

[TwoSwords]

Originally Posted by In to it

Sometimes I think maybe it's best to take a step back and breathe. If your preference is a bigger woman or man then the meeting might not happen because your mind is too targeted to find that perfect someone and they might pick up on this. I remember this one time when my partner and I went to go looking for clothes for her this one time. As we were moving about the aisles there were these two friends both on the heavy side. Well down by the change rooms while I was waiting for my partner to come out and show me how something looked on her one of these women came out and said to her friend what do you think about this. Her friend said it's a little too big don't you think and she replied back yeah I know but I love it so I'll grow into it. This is what I mean by taking a step back this was by chance what I overheard what you are looking for.

I'm curious. What did you mean by this part? If I ever sensed that someone thought I was the perfect partner, I would definitely not avoid them because of it, even if it wasn't a good fit on my end.

[In to it]

Maybe if your wanting to meet someone so much maybe your giving off an air of desperation which they pick up on that even so they might be interested at first sight in you they then see a red flag.

[Stephanie343]

When you write a novel and the page times out and you lose it all. Fml.

Agreed nothing stinks like desperation.
Making friends is hard enough without throwing into the equation that you expect them to be an insta-partner.
Like someone else said shopping is the perfect place to meet people. ‘Everyone needs to eat’. I could care less if I’m in a nightclub or the loo roll aisle of Tesco. If someone approaches me in a Friendly manner and strikes up conversation I’ll give them the time of day. Yes there are people out there who will take some affront to it, but you don’t know their life they may be in a rush or having a bad day. Don’t take it as straight up rejection.

On the relationship front, I hate to think that my relationships are possibly viewed for something other than what they are.
I am not nor will I ever accept being a fetish and only being dated because of my size. Wanna try bdsm or role play. Fair enough. But someone solely getting their kicks because of my weight is something I can’t grasp. I am so much more than that and knowing that if I ever wanted to change that that it would be a relationship issue smarts something rotten.
I have read many threads on here and get the same feeling when I see that there are plenty who simply see fat people as the numbers on a scale. But who am I to judge. I just think it’s unfair to call unfairness when your preferences don’t seem to want to be fetishised.

The clothing aspect, I feel as a large lady I need to make sure I’m well presented. It hurts my heart when I see a lovely outfit, but they only do it in size wouldntfitmyankleletalonemywaist. Making sure I’m well dressed means Atleast I can think if people are staring it’s because they’re purely dicks and not because I’m unkempt. I am guilty of judging plus sized women much smaller than me for what they wear. I think if I can at my size dress acceptable how can’t you ,must add though it’s not a long held judgement, I’m not that much of a twat.
The way I dress myself and making sure my face is done is a safety blanket for me. I would love the confidence to walk out in my comfy joggers and hoody.

ETA: Sorry, reread went off on a ramble. I suppose in short what I aim to say is just because someone is large doesn’t mean they are wanting to be seen the way some FA’s see them.

[TwoSwords]

Originally Posted by In to it

Maybe if your wanting to meet someone so much maybe your giving off an air of desperation which they pick up on that even so they might be interested at first sight in you they then see a red flag.

I'm afraid I still don't understand. What is an "air" of desperation, and how can it be identified? I've never noticed this in others.

[TwoSwords]

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

Yes there are people out there who will take some affront to it, but you don’t know their life they may be in a rush or having a bad day. Don’t take it as straight up rejection.

I'm not offended. At least, no more than usual. I'm also no more hurt than usual when people do this. The problem isn't my feelings, but rather, that their doing this impedes the process, and my knowing that they may have some reason or whatever does nothing to fix that.

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

On the relationship front, I hate to think that my relationships are possibly viewed for something other than what they are.

If someone thought a relationship with me was, let's say, a rock, I wouldn't get it, but I don't think I'd be offended.

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

I am not nor will I ever accept being a fetish and only being dated because of my size.

A "fetish" is always sexual in nature, and needing size/softness/what have you in a relationship is not necessarily.

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

But someone solely getting their kicks because of my weight is something I can’t grasp. I am so much more than that and knowing that if I ever wanted to change that that it would be a relationship issue smarts something rotten.

Being more than that is wonderful. However, it's one thing to be more than just a fat person, and it's another thing for fatness to be irrelevant or unimportant. I gleefully recognize that every fat woman has hopes, dreams, wishes, hobbies, work, family, problems, solutions, and for the most part, some philosophical position through which they approach the world (whether intentionally or otherwise.) That's fine, but thin people have those things too, so that's not enough by itself.

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

I have read many threads on here and get the same feeling when I see that there are plenty who simply see fat people as the numbers on a scale. But who am I to judge. I just think it’s unfair to call unfairness when your preferences don’t seem to want to be fetishised.

The unfair part is the mis-applying of the words "fetish" and "fetishized" to things they don't apply to. I hear these words thrown around at everything from seductive artwork, to basic attraction, and all the way to simple preference for something the majority doesn't like. The vast majority of these things are not fetishes. Attraction is a normal part of relationships, as are preferences and needs, and from what I can tell, the main reason why some people call them fetishes is that they're still not comfortable with being preferred physically, and want to make it sound as bad as they feel it is. Frankly, I think it's more fat-hate fallout.

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

ETA: Sorry, reread went off on a ramble. I suppose in short what I aim to say is just because someone is large doesn’t mean they are wanting to be seen the way some FA’s see them.

I want large people to see themselves as healthy, human creatures, who are neither so repulsive that they need to get defensive, nor so immaculate that they have some right to "spend" the positive feelings of others around them as though it were currency. In short, as normal human beings.

[Stephanie343]

ETD: I wrote another whole post pinpointing what was said in the above message. I decided I don’t need to explain myself further. My original post is how I feel about the matter. Take what you want from it.

Great points you stated there TwoSwords. I think we’re on the same page. Maybe just of different books.

[TwoSwords]

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

Maybe my brain is slightly over tired but I can’t grasp most of what you said at the beginning and how it relates to my original post.

Well, I'll do my best to clarify any points of confusion as I multi-quote, the way you say you should.

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

It’s not another day on the internet unless someone’s getting offended.

So... Does that make this not another day on the internet? My point was that offense isn't, to me, what matters, but rather the fact that certain behaviors get in the way of people meeting each other and making friends.

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

Not sure I understand the rock analogy?

This was in reply to your statement...

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

On the relationship front, I hate to think that my relationships are possibly viewed for something other than what they are.

I took this statement at face value, to mean that you hate it when people mistake a relationship for something which is not a relationship. A rock is just one example of this broad category of things-that-are-not-relationships.

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

You’re very right there. Those things are important in a relationship. I suppose I intended fetish in this sense to mean an obsessive interest rather than a sexual one.

I know. The problem is, that's not what the word "fetish" means. The word "fetish" has only two definitions. One is a sexual obsession with something that is not specifically sex, and the other applies only to inanimate objects. To use it as an umbrella term for all pivotal interests is to misuse it. I could use it with precisely the same amount of validity to refer to the obsessive interest of a woman in the ability of a man to overlook the physical (and to thus not be a man.)

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

Right again. Everyone of every size has the same issues. In the same way I wouldn’t walk up to a guy and say you have red hair, I adore redheads, now never dye it or cut it, cause I likes my redheads with long curly locks, oh yeah now you have to tong it every morning or better yet get a perm. I wouldn’t expect someone to adore me simply for one thing. Like I obviously have assumed of posters in some threads do. You know what they say of assumptions though! I suppose that’s what I meant by it. No Rainbow Unicorn complex here.

See, again, I think there's some confusion here, or at least some potential for confusion. Just because a person may consider a quality (say, red hair,) important or even necessary in order to feel a certain way about you, does not mean that it's the only thing about you they like. It's much too common to equate these two things; the position that Quality X is necessary, and the position that Quality X is the only important thing. These are not the same.

In my case, for example, the idea of embracing a person who is not very soft, quite frankly, revolts me. I do it on a regular basis with my family and friends because I'm kind of soft myself, and I want them to have the chance to feel what I can't, but it's always a sacrifice. It is very important; even necessary, if I'm going to get anything out of any physical element of a relationship.

However, this is not the only thing in relationships that I need, or even the most important thing. The most important thing is honesty, and after that, the ability to share some-to-all of my feelings about fatness, because how else can it be a relationship, if we have nothing in common?

This is why I draw a line of distinction between...

What is needed to make a relationship work and...
------------------------------------------------------------
What a relationship is all about.

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

No fat-hate whatsoever.

When I refer to "fat-hate fallout," this refers to any tendency that people develop as a result of the fact that fat-hate exists. For instance, if an FA becomes very reclusive and uncomfortable around other people as a result of bad experiences with fat-haters, his reclusive-ness and discomfort would be fat-hate fallout, even though it is not in any way fat-hating itself.

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

Yet again right on what is needed with a relationship. Attraction is very important.

Precisely.

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

So all in all we agree then.
I have no idea how you came up with the thought that I thought larger people are not normal humans though?

It sounds like we agree on a lot of the important things. And I wasn't trying to argue with you when I said that last bit. I was just stating my own position.

[Stephanie343]

Thanks for the clarification.

[TwoSwords]

Originally Posted by Stephanie343

Thanks for the clarification.

You're welcome!

[LarryTheNoodleGuy]

Thread is quite old, but interesting.

I date via energy, nothing else. Nothing else will work. I can't even get "a rise" in bed unless I connect with the person heart-to-heart. I have been in bed with women who were absolutely enormous, and nothing happened because I felt they were rough or insensitive or dull or such, and I have been stupidly turned on by women who are borderline skeletal, just because of the way they were with me energetically.

So, no, my preference doesn't limit my dating...if I like somebody, I like them, and there goes my heart, and off to the races, at my peril. I would prefer a partner with blobs and blobs of beautiful, soft, flabby, hanging pounds to adore, but absent that, there is so much more to share with another human being than the physical, I almost feel sometimes as if being physical is just one part of intimacy, and not the ultimate.

[In to it]

I think when you separate dreams (fantasy, wants) from your heart which I think are one and the same, your heart pays the tab and then your confidence is in disarray.

[TwoSwords]

Originally Posted by LarryTheNoodleGuy

...and I have been stupidly turned on by women who are borderline skeletal, just because of the way they were with me energetically.

So, no, my preference doesn't limit my dating...if I like somebody, I like them, and there goes my heart, and off to the races, at my peril.

I've heard a lot of people claim this, and all I can say is that in a sense, you're fortunate. I think women would have an easier time understanding your feelings, which are flexible and less-than-fully-predictable, than they would mine, which change about as often as a mountain and are almost as easy to get over.