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Old 11-11-2010, 11:59 AM   #26
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What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Crib death.
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Old 11-11-2010, 11:59 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melian View Post
What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Crib death.
HAAHAAHAAAHAAHAA!!! oh i wish i could rep you!!!!
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Old 11-11-2010, 12:04 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by FishCharming View Post
HAAHAAHAAAHAAHAA!!! oh i wish i could rep you!!!!
Here's another, just for you:

Q: Two lesbians and two gay guys are rushing to the airport - who gets there first?

A: The two gay guys. They already had their shit packed.
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Old 11-14-2010, 01:19 AM   #29
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Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second hand store.


What did the mother buffalo say to her son as he left for school?
BI-SON!

:O
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Old 11-19-2010, 06:02 AM   #30
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so a guy enters ten puns into a contest figuring at least one would win -- unfortunately, no pun in ten did
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Old 11-22-2010, 03:26 PM   #31
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Friendship between women: A woman doesnít come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesnít come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friendís house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there
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Old 11-22-2010, 04:04 PM   #32
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I love this thread
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Old 11-23-2010, 09:28 AM   #33
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"Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.
"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be fucking you."
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Old 11-23-2010, 10:11 AM   #34
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Why don't fat people skinny dip? Because they chunky dunk!
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Old 11-23-2010, 03:35 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johnnytattoos View Post
"Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.
"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be fucking you."
LOL...good one
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Old 11-23-2010, 03:37 PM   #36
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.


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Old 11-23-2010, 03:48 PM   #37
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How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?

.....another two if I move my bike.
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Old 11-24-2010, 07:25 AM   #38
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A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.

At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girlís eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.

"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"
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Old 11-24-2010, 02:09 PM   #39
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Three couples are interested in joining a very conservative church - a newlywed couple, a middle-age couple and a retired couple.

The pastor tells them that they must pass a test of their ability to resist temptation before they will be welcome in the church. The test is that they must abstain from sex for two weeks.

Two weeks later the couples return and the pastor asks them if they abstained.

The retired couple says, "No problem," and the pastor welcomes them into the church.

The middle aged man says, "It was rough, I had to sleep on the couch the second week, but we made it," and the pastor welcomes them into the church.

Then the younger man says, "I'm sorry. We really tried, but then one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and she dropped it, and when she bent over to pick it up I was overcome with desire and I took her right there on the spot."

The pastor says "You understand, if you cannot resist carnal desires you will not be welcome in our church," and the husband replies, "Yeah, we understand. We're not welcome in Safeway anymore either."
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Old 11-25-2010, 07:35 AM   #40
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A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?

Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you donít know makes a touchdown
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Old 11-25-2010, 09:22 AM   #41
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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're in prison.
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Old 12-01-2010, 06:05 PM   #42
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One day I walked into my school principal's office when I was in 5th grade and said...Principal Bob, I feel LIKE a pair of curtains...and he said John!! pull yourself together!!
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Old 12-02-2010, 10:37 AM   #43
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Three friends are stranded on a tropical island and are captures by a tribe of natives. Instead of killing them, the chief says " you are each to go into the woods and gather 10 of one type of fruit. Choose wisely, because these fruit will dictate if we eat you, or let you go". So they all disperse into the woods. The first guy comes out with 10 grapes, and the cheif says "if you want to live, you must insert all 10 grapes into your ass without changing the expression on your face. If you can do that, you can live". So the guy starts packing them in, and when he gets to 9, he flinches, so they kill him.

The second guy comes out of the jungle with 10 apples. Again he is given the same deal. He gets to apple number 9 and starts busting a guy laughing. The natives kill him. As he goes to the pearly gates, the first guy comes up to him and says "you idiot, you were one apple away, why'd you start laughing?" The guy looks at him and says "I couldn't help it. I saw our other friend coming out of the jungle carrying 10 pineapples."




*Joke 2*


A reporter finds out that Hitler is still alive, and he's hiding in a trailer park in Witchitah. The reporter locates Hitler, and knocks on his door saying "Hitler, I know you're in there. Let me interview you once and I'll make sure everyone leaves you alone". Hitler opens the door and says "alright, one interview, that's all".

The reporter starts his interview by saying "What would you have done if you didn't lose the war?"
"Well, I would have killed all the Jews alive, a majority of the Gyspsies and gays, and one duck."
"Why the hell would you kill a duck?"
"SEE! I TOLD you nobody gives a FUCK about the jews!"
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Old 12-03-2010, 12:01 AM   #44
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Marriage is sharing

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered.....the teeth
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Old 12-07-2010, 07:46 AM   #45
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Computers can never replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.
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Old 12-13-2010, 11:59 AM   #46
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Family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, a woman goes through three phases." "In her 20's, a woman's boobs are like melons: round and firm." "In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears: still nice, but hanging a bit." "After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes. You see them, and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also." "In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree: mighty and hard." "In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch: flexible, but reliable." "After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes --- dead from the roots up, and the balls are just for decoration." Merry Christmas
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Old 03-03-2011, 07:21 AM   #47
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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Old 03-03-2011, 09:18 AM   #48
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Ollie and Lena, a newly-wed couple from Minnesota, are on their way to Minneapolis for their honeymoon. It's a beautiful spring day, and as they're driving, Ollie notices that a little bit of knee is showing past Lena's skirt. With a mischievous grin, Ollie reaches over and places his hand on his wife's bare knee.

Lena, blushing a bit, grins back and tells her husband, "you know, Ollie, now that we're married, you can go a bit further."

So he drove her to Duluth.
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Old 03-03-2011, 09:37 AM   #49
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Q: What did the pillow say to the head?
A: "Get off my case!"
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Old 03-17-2011, 09:22 PM   #50
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oooo lame jokes I got a billion of those

duck walks into a bar orders a drink bartender says that will be 6$ the duck looks at him and replies put it on my Bill......

did you know five out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

two math books are walking down the street one looks at the other and says dont talk to me buddy I have my own problems
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