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Old 03-16-2007, 03:55 PM   #1
Green Eyed Fairy
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Default The Official Joke Thread :D

Have jokes you wish to share? Do you find some of those email jokes that are always being passed around absolutely hilarious? Well, this is the spot to share them

Let me start us off please.....


3 Women in a Hot Tub

Three women - one German, one Japanese, and a hillbilly, were sitting naked
in a hot tub. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her
forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager", she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her
ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a
microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided
she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the hot tub,
and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that! I'm gettin'
a fax!"


**Disclaimer: I live in NC and have a southern accent so I get to make the hillbilly jokes without being offensive
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It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 03-16-2007, 04:26 PM   #2
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Default

For those who remember the rush to complete the various venues in Athens for the 2004 Olympic Games, here's a little joke that arose around that time...

The Prime Minister of Greece was touring the Beijing Olympic site with the Prime Minister of China. As they were walking around, the Greek Prime Minister kept nodding his head in approval at the rate of work being completed.
"This is quite an impressive Olympic site, your people are working at a very fast rate," the Greek PM said to the Chinese PM.
"Yes, we're very happy with the progress. We're pretty sure that the site will be completed by 2006," the Chinese PM replied.
"Same with our site," said the Greek.
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Old 03-17-2007, 05:04 AM   #3
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Snow White has been expelled from the Disneyland X factor contest.

She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face singing "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies!!"
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Old 03-17-2007, 09:11 AM   #4
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Default

Q - What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A - "Here come elephants over hill."

* * * * * * * * * *

Q - What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

A - Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

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Old 03-17-2007, 02:32 PM   #5
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And since it's St. Patrick's Day...

Pat showed up at the police station and demanded to have his best friend Mike arrested. Officer McNulty, who knew both men, took Pat aside and asked him what Mike had done."Why, the spalpeen hit me for no reason!' Said Pat. "I'd dropped in on him after work, and Mike wasn't home yet, so Mrs. Mike asked me to come in and wait for him. And since I was just sitting there, she asked me to hold young Kevin whilst she stirred the chowder. Well, in comes Mike, and he says 'Hello, Pat, and how are you?' "Hello, Mike,' says I, "and I'm holding me own.' And that was when he hit me!"
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Old 03-17-2007, 04:24 PM   #6
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Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!



****************************************

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little p*ssed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"


*********************************


A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 03-17-2007, 04:28 PM   #7
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Once upon a time in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am

and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't freaking think so !!




*************************************************


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients
always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at
about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical
condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even
thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths
occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide
team of experts was assembled to investigate the
cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before
11:00a.m., all the doctors and nurses nervously
waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some
were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and
other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie
Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper,
entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

**********************************

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 03-17-2007, 04:30 PM   #8
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 03-17-2007, 10:33 PM   #9
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Default Well, you asked for it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
Have jokes you wish to share? . . . Well, this is the spot to share them

**Disclaimer: I live in NC and have a southern accent so I get to make the hillbilly jokes without being offensive
**Disclaimer: I live in Minnoosoota and have a Norskie accent so I get to make Scandahoovian jokes without being offensive.

Ole and Lena are discussing the new farmhand, a young and stalwart fellow who seems to have an eye for their daughter.
Lena: "I tink ve haff to let dat young fella go."
Ole: "Vy is dat? He's a dorn gut vorker, dat vun iss!"
Lena: "Vell, I found vere he had pissed his name in the snow, out behind da barn."
Ole: "Vell, dat ain't soo bad. I done dat myself now and then."
Lena: "Ya, but it vas in our dotter's handwriting"

courtesy of "Pissing in the Snow" by Vance Randolph, ded: G. Legman
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Old 03-17-2007, 11:10 PM   #10
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Guy walks into a bar, ouch!

Two Blondes walked into a bar, you'd have thought one of them would have seen it.

Whats the Difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
The hooker stops screwing you once you're dead.

Thats all from me cause I don't wanna type out a long listing jokes tho I do have a few.
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Old 03-18-2007, 12:05 AM   #11
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When is bed time at Neverland Ranch?








































When the big hand touches the little hand...
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Old 03-18-2007, 12:06 AM   #12
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Old 03-18-2007, 12:21 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by runningman View Post
Snow White has been expelled from the Disneyland X factor contest.

She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face singing "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies!!"
And they sent Daisy Duck to the Psych Ward because someone said she was ----ing Goofy.

Here's another one for St. Patrick's Day.

What's green and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture
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Old 03-18-2007, 12:34 AM   #14
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Two cannibals are sitting around the campfire eating a clown.

One cannibal turns to the other cannibal and asks:

"Does this taste funny?"
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Old 03-18-2007, 06:27 AM   #15
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your
name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said,
"Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are
going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van
Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by
changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in
Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name
like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your
name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we
will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's
office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his
office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The
agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the
letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would
never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I
left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were
right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your
office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
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Old 03-18-2007, 10:39 AM   #16
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There are 3 kinds of people in this world...

Those who can count... and those who can't.
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Old 03-18-2007, 03:33 PM   #17
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You must spread some rep around before giving it to Green Eyed Fairy again.

(Though I don't remember the last time I gave it to you. )

Thanks for this thread. It is great. Love the frogs and the custodian unplugging the life support machine. LOL
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Old 03-18-2007, 06:17 PM   #18
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Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.Green Eyed Fairy has ascended what used to be the highest level.
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Originally Posted by magnoliagrows View Post
You must spread some rep around before giving it to Green Eyed Fairy again.

(Though I don't remember the last time I gave it to you. )

Thanks for this thread. It is great. Love the frogs and the custodian unplugging the life support machine. LOL
I'm glad you like it- I was hoping to give someone a laugh
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Old 03-18-2007, 09:54 PM   #19
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ANOTHER very good thread! I printed out and READ the "bean" joke to some family friends who came over for dinner. It was a big hit!

The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants.

Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo

French fried ships - Cairo

Garlic Coffee - Europe

Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe

Boiled Frogfish - Europe

Sweat from the trolley - Europe

Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China

Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong

Roasted duck let loose - Poland

Fried friendship - Nepal

Strawberry crap - Japan

Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam

Toes with butter and jam - Bali

French Creeps - L.A.

Fried fishermen - Japan

Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan

Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania

Product Names

Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues

Kolic - Japanese mineral water

Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer

Swine - Chinese chocolates

Libido - Chinese soda

Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink

Shocking - Japanese chewing gum

Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels

Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade

Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent

Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy

Superglans - Netherlands car wax

I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee

Zit - Greek soft drink

Colon Plus - Spanish detergent
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Old 03-19-2007, 08:15 PM   #20
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Wayne_Zitkus has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Wayne_Zitkus has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Wayne_Zitkus has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Wayne_Zitkus has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Wayne_Zitkus has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Wayne_Zitkus has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Wayne_Zitkus has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Wayne_Zitkus has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Wayne_Zitkus has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Wayne_Zitkus has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!Wayne_Zitkus has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?

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Old 03-19-2007, 08:21 PM   #21
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Default Funny Haha?

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed.

He says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

The doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."

The man bursts into tears. He says, "But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."
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Old 03-21-2007, 08:15 PM   #22
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Old 03-21-2007, 08:43 PM   #23
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As I enjoy the short, pointless jokes...

THIRTY ONE-LINERS TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people. He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

31. If you mated a bulldog with a shitzu, would you get a bullshit?
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Old 03-21-2007, 08:51 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by bbwsweetheart View Post
Moral of this story....Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Aw, BBS! You promised you wouldn't give away my secret.
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Old 03-21-2007, 09:00 PM   #25
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Aw, BBS! You promised you wouldn't give away my secret.
OOoooops!!
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