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Old 06-22-2017, 06:37 AM   #1
BigElectricKat
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Default Had an epiphany this morning

You know how many people relate their current troubles to something that happened in their childhood? Or more accurately, not-so-great things occurred in your childhood and you carry that stigma around with you, wish you could have changed things, prevented things, or had a better life?
When I was a child, we were pretty poor. My mom was a single parent with us to boys and being black and living in the inner city, she didn’t always have steady income. We were on Welfare and sometimes forced to live with a relative (or an abusive boyfriend) just to get by. We moved a lot. Between the first and sixth grades we moved five times.
I didn’t understand why back then, but I do now. Yet doing all of this moving, I had to keep leaving friends and make new friends. Before you reach “dating” age, these are the relationships that help define you. When you are small, you forge friendships that in your eyes are made of titanium, but in this case were made of paper, at best. Yet, I remember my girlfriend in first grade Veronica (I have always loved the ladies) and my best friend from kindergarten, Scotty. Colleen, a girl who wouldn’t really give me the time of day from third grade and Henry (Tub) in fifth grade.
The point is that I used to think that all that moving around, losing and making friends, was a detriment to my development. When in fact, it was a great help. Later in life after I joined the military, I had to do pretty much the same thing. But more importantly, it helped me to deal with breakups and betrayals and general heartache. I’ve noticed that I can move on much more easily than some others. Some have suggested that I’m cold and unfeeling or that I must not have invested much emotion in the relationship, both of which are untrue. It’s just that I’ve learned to be a bit more optimistic, knowing that it’s not the last person who will love me. A new friend will come along.
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Old 06-22-2017, 01:46 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by BigElectricKat View Post
It’s just that I’ve learned to be a bit more optimistic, knowing that it’s not the last person who will love me. A new friend will come along.
In this sense, I envy you.
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Old 06-22-2017, 05:38 PM   #3
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We live in a world of constant change, and a lot of people spend their whole lives trying to fight that ...and losing. The observant ones, like you, learn to treasure what they've got, but also to let it go when that time comes.
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Old 06-22-2017, 05:41 PM   #4
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I've heard the same things said about "Army Brats". In essence, they handle change in general a lot better than some others.
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Old 08-17-2017, 08:39 PM   #5
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Default "With every goodbye, you learn"

This poem was passed around a lot in the 1970s - those years when there was an explosion of personal contact, love-making, confusion over identity, soul-searching and, believe it or not, even personal growth.

I, too, took comfort in the lines of this poem. So many relationships, seemingly meant to last forever, just fell apart, leaving your heart quivering on the pavement. And, finally, I thought I had learned.

And then, I fell in love with an old friend - Mrs Ho Ho - and I had to unlearn everything I thought I knew. She and I have now been married over 27 years and more in love than ever - more love than seemed conceivable. And most unbelievable - this splendid person loves ME. ME. Simple-minded, unpredictable, sometimes un-explainable ME!

My heart still quivers, but not on the pavement. It quivers in my body every time we touch, hold hands, or kiss.

And I hope I never have to unlearn that!

You Learn (by Jorge Luis Borges)
The poverty of yesterday was less squalid than the poverty we purchase with our industry today.
Fortunes were smaller then as well.

(The Elderly Lady)




After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.


After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…

With every good-bye you learn.
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Old 08-18-2017, 01:54 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ho Ho Tai View Post
You Learn (by Jorge Luis Borges)
The poverty of yesterday was less squalid than the poverty we purchase with our industry today.
Fortunes were smaller then as well.

(The Elderly Lady)




After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.


After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…

With every good-bye you learn.
Oh, my word! What a depressing poem! No offense to those who like it, but I think this poem really does resonate with the emotional and moral turmoil caused by the 1970s and its excessive fixation on self, which lead to the degradation of the relationship concept (not just the sexual dimension; the whole concept of "relationships" in general changed.)

If I want to endure, and be strong, I can do so much more easily without saying good-bye, or even without saying hello. Indeed, I'm at my strongest when I'm completely alone, unless that strength is supported by someone else. Endurance and strength are purely personal qualities, having nothing whatsoever to do with relationships, except when those relationships are purely negative influences, forcing one to rely on them. That is what I take away from this poem. It's a disgusted scoff at the unsupportive, inadequate relationships of amoral eras.
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Old 08-18-2017, 06:05 AM   #7
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TwoSwords: I think your last and 3rd last sentences need an "in my opinion" type of clause on them. I certainly would not consider those to be universally accepted viewpoints. I'm assuming that is how you meant them, so I won't rebut in detail, but suffice it to say that I would come down on the other side of a lot of the issues you tossed around in that response.
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Old 08-18-2017, 01:24 PM   #8
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TwoSwords: I think your last and 3rd last sentences need an "in my opinion" type of clause on them. I certainly would not consider those to be universally accepted viewpoints. I'm assuming that is how you meant them, so I won't rebut in detail, but suffice it to say that I would come down on the other side of a lot of the issues you tossed around in that response.
My intention was for the second-to-last sentence to serve much the same function as a clause like that for the final sentence.

My third-last sentence, however, isn't meant as an opinion, but as a philosophical observation. However, I'm open to having my mind changed on that point. I don't see how endurance or strength benefit a person if the relationship is positive, but if I could think of any way in which it could happen, even in theory, I'd gladly concede the point.
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Old 08-19-2017, 12:58 PM   #9
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Oh yes, like most of us, I made my fair share of mistakes and bad decisions in my youth which have affected my adulthood to some degree.

While I'd love to change those events or at least give my 18 year old self a letter or something, obviously that's not going to happen.

The past is the past and I just keep moving forward to make sure the rest of my life goes in a better direction.

Dennis
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Old 08-21-2017, 02:24 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigElectricKat View Post
You know how many people relate their current troubles to something that happened in their childhood? Or more accurately, not-so-great things occurred in your childhood and you carry that stigma around with you, wish you could have changed things, prevented things, or had a better life?
When I was a child, we were pretty poor. My mom was a single parent with us to boys and being black and living in the inner city, she didn’t always have steady income. We were on Welfare and sometimes forced to live with a relative (or an abusive boyfriend) just to get by. We moved a lot. Between the first and sixth grades we moved five times.
I didn’t understand why back then, but I do now. Yet doing all of this moving, I had to keep leaving friends and make new friends. Before you reach “dating” age, these are the relationships that help define you. When you are small, you forge friendships that in your eyes are made of titanium, but in this case were made of paper, at best. Yet, I remember my girlfriend in first grade Veronica (I have always loved the ladies) and my best friend from kindergarten, Scotty. Colleen, a girl who wouldn’t really give me the time of day from third grade and Henry (Tub) in fifth grade.
The point is that I used to think that all that moving around, losing and making friends, was a detriment to my development. When in fact, it was a great help. Later in life after I joined the military, I had to do pretty much the same thing. But more importantly, it helped me to deal with breakups and betrayals and general heartache. I’ve noticed that I can move on much more easily than some others. Some have suggested that I’m cold and unfeeling or that I must not have invested much emotion in the relationship, both of which are untrue. It’s just that I’ve learned to be a bit more optimistic, knowing that it’s not the last person who will love me. A new friend will come along.
It's easy to look at the bad events in our life and put blame on them. I think we do that moreso when we're in a gutter. When we're more active and pursuing goals, our eyes just are on better, higher places. We're looking forward.
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