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Old 08-28-2017, 10:00 AM   #26
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And WSU stands for ...? I do work closely with elements of WUSM. Are we talking the same entity?
Detroit? If not, nevermind. I graduated in Detroit
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Old 08-28-2017, 10:03 AM   #27
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Detroit? If not, nevermind. I graduated in Detroit


Ahh... you are talking about Wayne State University. No, I work with Washington University Medical School. However, I was born and raised in Detroit (at least until I was 13). My family still lives there and I am a H-U_G_E Michigan Wolverines fan. (again off topic, sorry)
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Old 08-28-2017, 11:43 PM   #28
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Default Some decent observations, from the older/married folks-in particular.

(Re: different kinds of cities and what they might offer) But, one point otherwise left unsaid:

These kinds of relationships, forever-partnerships, that many of us have been so conditioned to see in some romanticized, sentimentalized treatment, do not come cheap. They require, demand, ongoing and mutual investment. Over time.

It's not, like, something anyone's just 'entitled-to', like you can just order it on Amazon and click 'pay'. It doesn't work like that.

Even happily married people will relate how, once even one partner stops pulling their weight, things get really challenging pretty quickly. It's not always all it's cracked up to be. You only get in proportion to what you're willing to put into it.

And so, when you hear people lament on the demographics aspect of it, it does kind of make you wonder if they actually even realize what's involved when your life is not 'all-about-you.'

Also, to add, whatever someone presents as 'the-reason' for ending a particular relationship; romantic, platonic, professional or otherwise; or just dialing it back, etc....you can't really fairly just take that at face value. Other than that, of course, for that this is just what they want for the time being. Because, as you point out, people-themselves, don't always really understand or appreciate the depth of even their own feelings, let alone have the compunction to be totally transparent about them.

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"...I miss the weather of California....sick of being lonely in New York City....work is rewarding but not enough to keep me here if the people aren't enough. "
Wait, are you actually a Californian? Could be there's be some kind of cultural incompatibility at play here:

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Old 08-29-2017, 04:37 AM   #29
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Default Good advice

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Kat, I'd say that as much as possible you need to find ways to socialize that are outside of the usual workplace situation. Like, if there are social clubs there of one sort or another, one-off open lectures or seminars, etc. Basically situations where you are there as you <name> not as you<job title, department>.

And a lucky rabbits foot might not hurt, either ...
I think that your advice is sound. Yet, like many of us, I aspire to something that is rarely attainable. Like FatAndProud said, she is totally into her craeer as are most academics and highly intelligent women.
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Old 08-29-2017, 05:53 AM   #30
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The key word there being 'most.' Fortunately you are not trying to date most woman, just one individual

And for what it is worth, I've know a fair number of very high achieving, career driven, women who married guys who were very capable in their own way, but in very different fields. The super competitive lawyer married to a guy running a flyer deliver business, the IT manager married to a laid back engineer who liked to hop between jobs every so often for variety and who wasn't interested in climbing the corporate ladder, an engineering project manager married to a guy running a landscape business, a brilliant electronics design engineer married to a helicopter pilot, etc.

Some people want someone very much like themselves, others prefer someone who is more complimentary, and that can mean being in a very different field or having a very different personality. Some of those husbands I've known well, some I never met, but my impression is that they were all pretty secure in who they were and what they did, which I suspect is pretty key in a relationship like that.

And sure in trying you risk rejection, but as Wayne Gretzky said "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." So if this is really what you want, you have to go take shots, and hope the rabbit foot comes through for you eventually
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Old 08-29-2017, 07:51 AM   #31
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Some people want someone very much like themselves, others prefer someone who is more complimentary, and that can mean being in a very different field or having a very different personality. Some of those husbands I've known well, some I never met, but my impression is that they were all pretty secure in who they were and what they did, which I suspect is pretty key in a relationship like that.
In a way, I think you zeroed in on some of the problems I had been having. Over the years, I gained a good 30-40lbs and it seems as though with each pound gained, a little confidence was lost. I probably need to re-evaluate things from my end before I go out and try to meet people. Thanks!
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Old 09-05-2017, 09:23 AM   #32
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I recommend San Diego, San Francisco, and anywhere in The Bay Area. Walnut Creek, Pleasant Hill, Concord, Martinez, etc.. Best wishes to you, I hope you find what you want.


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Hey I'm looking at moving out of my current region. I hate the fucking humid heat. The snow is not as rewarding as I hoped. I miss the weather of California.

Anddddd the people I've been dating have been immature commitmentphobes, or exhaustingly clingy and insecure.

I'm sick of being lonely in New York City. My work is rewarding but not enough to keep me here if the people aren't enough.

Where should I go? Where is a place you've lived that you've been happy? Where the dateable people are quality people who aren't in a state of existential crisis, and are wanting something more meaningful than an endless carousel of dating around looking for the next best thing? A place where community matters and life isn't an exhausting rat race?

I no longer am willing to be someone's placeholder "good enough" til someone more spectacular comes along. I'm looking for someone who wants me and is willing to work on a relationship, not give up once the going gets tough or something more shiny and new comes along. I am a creative and hard working person, eccentric and sometimes a little spontaneous. All my recent partners have been like "you're a great partner, but I can't deal w commitment and you deserve better" and I'm like, ok, you apparently are both the judge of what I consider good enough for myself, as well as what is good enough for you hahaha. Thanks for the mansplain.

I'm fucking sick of men telling me what I want, and yet unable to reassure me of what *they* want.

Fortunately I'm queer so my options are quite open in the dating world. But I'm not having much luck with women or NB folks either, so I'm just in a pickle.
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Old 09-22-2017, 08:26 AM   #33
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I'd say Providence, RI... very culturally diverse, food and restaurants are great and its easy to navigate the city which can be sometimes rough in Boston or NY... when I travel the east coast I like RI and it seems like they are finally getting their financial act together. The state was nearly bankrupt FYI. They have an annual thing called waterfire you may want to google
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