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Old 01-03-2012, 09:07 AM   #1
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Default FAs who are quick to insist that they are NOT feeders

This thread is primarily directed at fat people and FAs who are not interested in feedism.

What comes to your mind when the person you are just getting to know and seems promising enough starts asserting that that s/he does not have feeder tendencies at all? Of course, this depends on so many other things but do you have an instinctive reaction? Would you be reassured or put on your guard?

I get told that many FAs, more often than not, harbour secret feeder tendencies (even if they don't recognise or accept it as such) and hide it because it scares women away, and that the ones who are the most defensive and indignant about not being feeders turn out to be the most sneaky and dangerous. Horror stories aside, have you encountered many FAs like that?

On the other hand, I have also heard FAs complaining that they are often treated with hostility and suspicion and immediately get pegged as predatory creepy closet feeder types the minute they disclose their preference for bigger partners, especially within the SA/FA community and that there often isn't much they can do about it. How do you get around this?
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Old 01-03-2012, 10:44 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by Cors View Post
This thread is primarily directed at fat people and FAs who are not interested in feedism.

What comes to your mind when the person you are just getting to know and seems promising enough starts asserting that that s/he does not have feeder tendencies at all? Of course, this depends on so many other things but do you have an instinctive reaction? Would you be reassured or put on your guard?

I get told that many FAs, more often than not, harbour secret feeder tendencies (even if they don't recognise or accept it as such) and hide it because it scares women away, and that the ones who are the most defensive and indignant about not being feeders turn out to be the most sneaky and dangerous. Horror stories aside, have you encountered many FAs like that?

On the other hand, I have also heard FAs complaining that they are often treated with hostility and suspicion and immediately get pegged as predatory creepy closet feeder types the minute they disclose their preference for bigger partners, especially within the SA/FA community and that there often isn't much they can do about it. How do you get around this?
Honestly, I sort of now dread talking to someone who labels themselves an FA because I am waiting for what now seems like the inevitable "what do you think of feeders" or the outright "will you gain weight". And they so cannot help themselves that this question will arise before they even get to know you. It is impulsive and they cannot help themselves. I personally am not interested and yes, I even had discussions with one guy who lied about his preference to the point of calling feeders control freaks...etc. He was very adamant...but, the reality was...he was like.."Now if you weighed 450 lbs you would be sexier" HUH??? So, basically the premise is this with feeders that I have met who do not take no for answer: you, as you are will never been good enough, sexy enough or the right weight. You as a person don't really matter,because, the fetish is all so over-riding that you are just a means with no real value.

My conversations with feeders are never long and I have discovered I don't ever get the sense/feel as if they are looking for a real connection..just someone to get their fix on with. Someone offered me money to gain....I was repulsed and angry at the same time.

Honestly, and I have state before in other threads,I have had the hardest time meeting an honest FA that they seem like unicorns. (But as Conrad reminded me they do exist). And the ones who I have met have only really made me feel worse about my body. All the feeders - well, you would be attractive only if you gained weight. Or guys who like big girls tell me my shape is unattractive. And I get preference, but, trying to meet/find someone in the SA community has been worse/harder/unfruitful as opposed to those men who are unaware of the SA community. I wish I had better experiences to share.

However, I do not believe all FA's are feeders and wait for the other shoe to drop. I do really try to take each person case by case.
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Old 01-03-2012, 11:17 AM   #3
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How I deal with it is by being honest about being an FA and a feeder and being as considerate as possible where those are concerned- especially the latter. It's my sexual interest, and to thrust it upon someone who isn't interested is disrespectful and wrong; but to deny it, especially in conversations with peers, is dishonest.
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Old 01-03-2012, 11:44 AM   #4
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my point of view, being FA doesn't mean being a feeder. You can be a fat admirers and loving curves, but feederism is an higher step that could be real only when the feeling with a partner is strong.
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Old 01-03-2012, 12:24 PM   #5
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I was very very choosey when selecting a mate, Why not you actually have to live with the guy, right? Anyway one of the most important things for me in a mate was that he have a healthy attitude about weight and exercise. Meaning that he liked to eat generally healthy, no yo yo dieting or to much junk food. I enjoy the occaisional feast like everyone else because that's what special occaision are for, eating, drinking and enjoying yourself with loved ones. It's no sin to watch and enjoy a loved one enjoying thier food, I love watching my hubby ( who is not a large man) really enjoying his meal. My husband is athletic and we did active activities together, when I was younger and could get around better. Weight gain weight loss, it's all about controlling what goes into your partners mouth, for me, the idea of my mate trying to control my intake and behavoir in either direction is unacceptable, because my whole life has been about being controlled like that and it was a struggle for me to achieve anything like balance. I wanted to maintain a healthy stable weight and keep my muscles and body as toned and healthy as my body type allowed. That means I'll never be thin, so the man I choose must find women who are not thin attractive. However I would find it just as unattractive in a man if he were to try to control my intake by making me fatter as I would if he were trying to force me to diet. My body is my body.
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Old 01-03-2012, 04:52 PM   #6
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I never heard the term 'FA' until I met my ex-husband who referred to himself as one. I always knew there were men who liked fat girls (and vice versa) but didn't know there was some kind of club or group where they all got together and discussed. Before I met him, I contributed to online forums that focused almost exclusively on size acceptance and living life as a fat person and even ran my own message board on Yahoo for fat women for a few years.

The guys I dated and had relationships with that either loved me for me and not necessarily was into fat chicks, as well as those that were into fat chicks, none as far as I could tell were feeders.

Ex-spouse on the other hand, I lived with for a couple of years before it began to dawn on me that he was a secret feeder. He never even spoke to me about it and to this day I have no idea how deep into feedism he is, but IMO he didn't do it for the eroticism but for the control. He actually told me that the bigger I got, the less opportunity I would have to leave him. In six years, I'd put on 350 lbs. When I was hospitalized with pneumonia and decided that to save my own life, I needed to lose weight, and was considering WLS, he became more and more hostile and controlling. By the time I lost that weight (I'm still a BBW with no desire to be thin) he had stopped all meaningful touch, eye-contact, and finally culminated with him physically assaulting me.

Do I think all FAs are feeders? No.

As a woman who prefers fat guys am I a feeder? No. I will cook for anyone and get emotional satisfaction when anyone enjoys what I serve, but it's not an erotic turn-on nor do I want anyone to gain for me. And after giving it some serious thought, have no interest in assisting a gainer.

Do I think all feeders are pathological sociopaths? No.

Do I think the only man who I was with who referred to himself as an FA and was indeed a feeder was an anomaly? I don't know. I'm not sure he's rare. I'm meeting too many women (and at least one man) with the same story.

Do I ever have a little voice of doubt or concern in the back of my mind when a guy tells me he's into fat chicks but makes a point to say he's not a feeder? I file it under, Proceed With Caution and observe and listen. It will take a lot for me to let my guard down now.
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Old 01-03-2012, 05:52 PM   #7
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I think a lot of it is control. Not all of it is about that, but I feel a lot of it is due to feeling powerful. Everyone feels great when they feel powerful. So I understand it to a degree. I also understand the emotional attachment to it. A lot of what are supposed to be happy times include feasting, and feasts are happy and food-filled. So I get that food and seeing someone enjoying food can lead to happy feelings.

Heck, babies like to do it with pretend food, and lots of them won't grow up to be feeders. A LOT of them, however, will just grow up wanting to nurture people around them. Often, food is how we show we care.

But when it comes to FAs who deny being into feederism, it's definitely a "proceed with caution" kind of thing. Some really are not into that. Which is cool. It just sucks when they deny it and then turn around and say "if you gained some weight, you'd be sexier/better filled out/etc."

If someone is coming at me strictly to fulfill their feeder fetish, then I won't give them the time of day. But if as an FA who just happens to have that fetish, but won't make a big deal about it, that's cool. So long as within a relationship, my fetishes can be played out in a safe manner, too. So while food may personally not do anything for me, I may find myself with a feeder one day, and may eat for that person to please them, so long as the goal is not weight gain.

So if someone finds food erotic, that's okay. But if it's the gaining weight part from eating food that they find erotic, that, to me, is not okay.

It's definitely a case-by-case. But I do ask those who identify as FAs if they are feeders, and when they say they aren't... I still proceed with caution. But do not write them off until they show signs of wanting to watch me gain.
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Old 01-04-2012, 03:54 PM   #8
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For me personally I am turned off by feederism because it reminds me of having my food intake strictly monitered as a child because I was always on a diet. I remember once in my home a bunch of male relatives grilled me all night about a cheese slice which was missing from the fridge. I had not eaten it so I wasn't going to let them make me say I did, I remember they all kept it up until I was crying. It was two of my uncles and my father. When a man has a controlling attitude about food or weight gain it puts me into that frame of mind. I am for sure not feeling sexually receptive at those moments.
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Old 01-14-2012, 11:06 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Blackjack View Post
How I deal with it is by being honest about being an FA and a feeder and being as considerate as possible where those are concerned- especially the latter. It's my sexual interest, and to thrust it upon someone who isn't interested is disrespectful and wrong; but to deny it, especially in conversations with peers, is dishonest.
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Old 01-14-2012, 11:37 PM   #10
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My boyfriend is a feeder, but I am not a feedee. We met online and I knew his preference, but he never talked about it. Our conversations were always about movies, books, and music. He never kept going back to the "so how much cake can you eat etc" He spoke to me as if I were a human being that he wanted to know. He wasn't and never has been obsessed with indulging his fantasies, but I do indulge them when in the bedroom. I will talk food and inflation until his eyes roll back in his head.

I can understand why some women are afraid of it, especially as Suzy has said it brings up those feelings of someone controlling her.

I had a similar experience where my dad had been hassling me about my weight all day and it ended with him forcing me to stand on a scale and then laughing at me. My brother had joined in at first with the taunting, but by the time I was on the scale bawling my brother was upset and left. It took me a long time to work out that crap with my dad and I am glad I did.

He really thought shaming me would somehow make me lose weight instead it had the opposite affect of me eating to spite him...eating more to upset him...it is really messed up how much mind shit goes along with being fat.
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Old 01-15-2012, 12:05 PM   #11
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I do so hate labels and stereotypes. I choose to ignore labels, and get to know each by their individual words and actions...as I would hope others would do for me. For what ever it is a worth, I'm a big guy who loves all women, but especially larger women, and I am not a feeder...but to those that are, more power to ya.
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Old 01-15-2012, 08:25 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Blackjack View Post
How I deal with it is by being honest about being an FA and a feeder and being as considerate as possible where those are concerned- especially the latter. It's my sexual interest, and to thrust it upon someone who isn't interested is disrespectful and wrong; but to deny it, especially in conversations with peers, is dishonest.
This is somewhat similar to my stance, but I wanted to elaborate on my personal experiences.

(It's also good to differentiate between preference and fetish. Preference is what you like, fetish is what you do. I think. o_O?)

My earliest sexual memories (somewhere around age 9) involved dreams/fantasies about certain female classmates being VERY fat. I just assumed that this was a normal thing...I liked big girls, so of course I'd like bigger and bigger and bigger too, right?

Then I got some actual experience with girls and realized I was a freak for feeling this way and wanting those things. So yes, I was one of those guys for many years who identified as a non-feeder FA, with the caveat that I did harbor weight gain fantasies. This is mainly because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was a feedist, and the fact that I was meant that I would have to accept that finding someone who could accept that, let alone ALSO be feedist, were slim to none.

Through a long relationship with a woman who loathed her body and my sexual tastes I learned to hide and be ashamed of both the feedist and chubby chaser parts of me.

Shortly after that, I got to share a short time with a fellow feedist, and it was the most liberating experience...I didn't have to hide. I could do exactly what my urges told me and they were wonderful for both of us. It was awesome and terrifying because it was just as wonderful as I thought it would be, but now I would settle for nothing less...and with how rare feedism is...

So I dated a handful of non-feedists since and yeah...it didn't work. More guilt, more shame, more having to hide my sexual self. Bleh.

So I'm out about it. I'm feedist. Any meaningful romantic relationship I have needs to be with a fellow feedist. I just need that similarity of mindset to be free and okay. So that's why when I see a cute chubby lady I don't really give any thought to it...because fellow feedists are a rarity.

I feel that being an FA and being a feeder is a very blurred line. If the prospect of weight gain excites you? Feedist. Feel disappointed when your significant other loses weight or attempts to? Feedist. If by some amazing chance you prefer a fat partner yet don't do anything much differently than if you were with a thinner person, then you're non-feedist. Those people do exist, but I think they're outnumbered by feedists...at least online.
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Old 01-17-2012, 11:58 AM   #13
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There is so much gray area and so little agreement on the terms its hard to pin down exactly what it means to be x,y,or z. That being said I don't consider myself a feeder, I don't have any fantasies of actually giving a woman large mounts of food for the express purpose of making her fat. I don't desire funnels or feeding machines or other apparatii. I am more of an enabler, I will take you to a restaurant and buy you whatever you want, as much as you want and watch with a smile as it goes down. For me its more about the breaking down of her barriers than the quantity of food consumed. Its about satisfying a desire, allowing her to follow me down the dark path willingly instead of fighting. This does lead to incredibly slow weight gain, so if you are results oriented this isn't the path for you.
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Old 01-17-2012, 12:41 PM   #14
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For me it's a turn off. In the past I've had men say they're not into feedism and when I revealed that it was something I was into he either changed his tune and came out as being someone who really was into feedism or he pithered through the motions as if it would be something he would be willing to try to make me happy -- neither of which would be acceptable. Yes folks, people do lie - deliberately. That turns me right off no matter how much I was into him before. For me a red flag goes up as soon as he makes a point of saying out of the blue, "Oh don't worry honey, I'm not one of those feeders and stuff." In my limited experience, more often than not his claim turned out to be false. Not saying you should run from people who do this. Just be careful.
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Old 01-18-2012, 04:34 PM   #15
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All the times I lied about it were a two-part lie. I was lying to her, and to myself. I thought I could do without that aspect of my sexuality. I felt that there were so few feedees out there that the best I could hope was to either hide it or be with a lady who tolerated it.

I implore those who feel the way I did to admit to yourselves what you are, what you want, and that it does make things harder romantically, but eventually you'll find you are much happier not having to be ashamed of it all. Surround yourself with like-minded, positive folk and you'll see it's not bad at all.

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Old 01-19-2012, 02:49 PM   #16
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I guess because I'm very openly a feedee I don't run into many FAs who feel the need to add the 'but I'm not a feeder' disclaimer. Some of the FAs I know probably are just FAs, others definitely are feeders.

What I will say is I feel I've gotten very lucky. The feeder I'm with is one who has known me for eleven years. He waited for seven years for a chance to date me because I was a bit shallow/nervous. He has been dating me for four now and has been by my side in all of my attempts to lose weight when I hadn't accepted my body.

He didn't like me talking about losing weight, but that was because I obsessed about it and felt the need to share every tiny accomplishment and he loved my body as it was so sometimes we got into little arguments, but never anything huge, and at the end of the day he wants me to be happy with myself.

He also wants me to be healthy. I want to gain, and of course it's his fantasy, but he wants me to stay as active as I can and eat healthy foods to do it.

That's what I associate feederism with.

However, I joined fantasyfeeder before I joined Dims and I have had an endless barrage of 'are u gaining?', 'how much you eat in one sitting?', 'I'd love to stuff you', etc. comments on my pictures. I'm a feedee and I find that just ridiculous. I can't imagine how a non-feedee would feel about it.

Those kinds of people.. The ones who don't even bother to introduce themselves before telling me I need to gain or asking what my goal weight is (which, by the way, it's 'happy' ), or who constantly drive the topic back to food or bellies or gaining... Ugh. I stop responding to them... And I'm a very patient person.

What really weirds me out, even as a feedee, is when another lady feedee puts a huge emphasis on my gain and asking about how much I'm eating, how my progress is going, etc. I don't know why that's weirder to me than when a male asks, but it is.

Anyways, my two cents. Sorry if it's a bit long.
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Old 01-19-2012, 03:05 PM   #17
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I'm not into the feeding thing, so having someone tell me they're not either is good for me. As it's not an interest I have (or understand well, if truth be told), then I wouldn't want someone to feel they should have to hide it or have it go unfulfilled. I have plenty of my own kinks, so finding someone who's compatible is important.
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Old 01-23-2012, 06:33 PM   #18
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Just to throw my thoughts in this.

What if? You are an FA, but you'd like your partner to be bigger than they are? I don't see that as definately being a feeder at all, especially if you aren't actually feeding your partner deliberately to have them gain more weight, but your preference is simply a bigger partner.

What if? Again you're an FA & your partner might already weigh 400-500lbs & has a love for food & is gaining weight & the FA isn't doing anything about the partner gaining. Does that make them a feeder? Or is it simply a happy couple enjoying their life together & the FA's preference is for very big people?

Like someone said it's a very grey area. It's a bit rough to label all FA's as feeders & even a bit rough to label all feeders as being somehow predators as well.

I myself wouldn't care how big my partner got as long as she was happy & relatively healthy, yes if she was 300lbs, I'd like her to be bigger, but I wouldn't make her get bigger against her will, I just like the bigger form, more curves, more to cuddle .

So, if I just sat back & my partner kept gaining & got to say 500lbs, does that make me a feeder? Some would say yes, some would say no.

It's a hard call. Too many variables.

But, I do think some feeders are just plain nasty, self centred & have not real thought for thier partner as as soon as something isn't going thier way they up & leave.
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Old 01-23-2012, 06:50 PM   #19
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But, I do think some feeders are just plain nasty, self centred & have not real thought for thier partner as as soon as something isn't going thier way they up & leave.
How is this different from other people who are nasty and self-centered and aren't feeders?

It's pretty much exactly the same thing, plus a fetish.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:30 PM   #20
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I would be suspicious.

That sort of thing seems like a third or fourth date type of discussion.

Personally, I think some one bringing that up immediately is tantamount to some one declaring, "I DON'T LIKE ANAL!" before the vagina is even on the table.

Let this be a lesson to all your socially inept perverts on either side of the fork; keep your kinks on the down-low until your third date, or her third drink; which ever comes first.

FULL DISCLOSURE MODE ON:

I've masturbated to A LOT of feeding/gaining porn.

Would I ever be in a feeder/feedee relationship? Nope.
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Old 01-23-2012, 09:06 PM   #21
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I think there are certain levels to being a feeder. I like weight gain but I wouldn't consider myself a feeder. I like fat guys. I like seeing fat guys get fatter but only to a certain point. As I just posted in another thread my limit would be somewhere in the mid 300s. I don't think I would enjoy encouraging a man past that, although I really wouldn't know as I've never been with someone that big. But I still wouldn't consider myself a feeder. If a guy is already fat when I met him then I'm attracted. If a guy happens to gain weight while I'm with him, added bonus for me. I guess I wouldn't consider myself a feeder because I don't *need* it to be sexually satisfied. Weight gain is just making what I find sexy even sexier.

On another note, I really think a lot of weight gain fantasies can be played out with the right partner without anyone having to actually gain. Like Lamia does with her boyfriend and like I do with mine. I don't know how well it would work for hardcore feeders but for FAs with a little weight gain kink it works pretty well.
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Old 01-23-2012, 09:06 PM   #22
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For me, the thought of gaining weight for a partner has to do with my deep seeded need to be loved, cared for, and safe. Growing up I did not have any of these needs met and instead lived in constant terror. Aaaaaand that's how a fetish starts... It wasn't until I was "born again" that I learned that I could be vulnerable, that I could be myself, and show my soft underbelly without the fear of being stomped on.

The idea of being with a guy who REALLY, like, in REALITY wants me to gain weight causes me intense anxiety. But I would love to be with a mature man, that I love and respect, who has the same fantasies (he can be a feedee, too) or is willing to work it out with me. Sadly, I have never met a feeder that was not a creep or a liar. So I won't hold my breathe waiting for this magic man to appear.
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Old 01-23-2012, 09:17 PM   #23
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For me, the thought of gaining weight for a partner has to do with my deep seeded need to be loved, cared for, and safe. Growing up I did not have any of these needs met and instead lived in constant terror. Aaaaaand that's how a fetish starts... It wasn't until I was "born again" that I learned that I could be vulnerable, that I could be myself, and show my soft underbelly without the fear of being stomped on.

The idea of being with a guy who REALLY, like, in REALITY wants me to gain weight causes me intense anxiety. But I would love to be with a mature man, that I love and respect, who has the same fantasies (he can be a feedee, too) or is willing to work it out with me. Sadly, I have never met a feeder that was not a creep or a liar. So I won't hold my breathe waiting for this magic man to appear.
jeez... Well, that didn't sound negative at all, now did it? Haha, I apologize.. I'm just a little jaded these days
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Old 01-24-2012, 12:04 AM   #24
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For me it's a turn off. In the past I've had men say they're not into feedism and when I revealed that it was something I was into he either changed his tune and came out as being someone who really was into feedism or he pithered through the motions as if it would be something he would be willing to try to make me happy -- neither of which would be acceptable. Yes folks, people do lie - deliberately. That turns me right off no matter how much I was into him before. For me a red flag goes up as soon as he makes a point of saying out of the blue, "Oh don't worry honey, I'm not one of those feeders and stuff." In my limited experience, more often than not his claim turned out to be false. Not saying you should run from people who do this. Just be careful.
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Old 01-24-2012, 06:24 AM   #25
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How is this different from other people who are nasty and self-centered and aren't feeders?

It's pretty much exactly the same thing, plus a fetish.
It made a difference for me in my humble beginnings because feedism was a trigger issue for me. It still is somewhat but I'm much more in control of myself and apt to speak up for myself. In the beginning though I was extremely vulnerable, confused and fearful there and I didn't want someone tapping on my buttons just for the hell of it. I know not everybody is like that but I'm sorry to say that for the most part, those are the prominent types of experiences I had with feeders. If I showed even a hint of interest in it he would become very aggressive and I did not like someone clumsily seizing that much power from me. God forbid he should ever know it or he would be a pain in the ass on Yahoo every day. I would rather have lied or been with someone who hadn't the foggiest idea what feedism was, at least back then anyway. I was still either in the denial stage or trying to figure myself out. It might also be a larger than life issue for someone who suffers from an eating disorder or was shamed about eating growing up, etc. It's not worse than any other thing but being nasty and self centered about cars, German art songs or some other crap that I didn't care about was much easier to view objectively.
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