Supersizedom and being Queer

[BeautifulPoeticDisaster]

I am going to relate my experiences, no one elses and I am going to fill this page with broad generalizations...and that's ok cos it's my view of things.

Being queer and being supersized is way worse than being supersized and straight. My experience is that lesbians/bisexual women are very accepting of large women....until you pass that threshold of say 350lbs or so. I've only ever dated one woman and she was sorta taken from me by a small bbw lesbian. I don't know why that matters, lol, but I thought I would throw it out there.

I have so much going against me. I would love to be an active participant in PRIDE and the queer community in general but I have 3 distinct things going against me, the most of which is being supersized, then being married to a non queer man and the least of which is being bisexual.

I've never had women give me a chance. They give me a once over and turn the other way. People say men judge on looks, but women are just as bad.

So for those few truly supersized queers, is your experience the same? Do you experience the community from the side lines because no one wants anything to do with you, or is it just me?

With being married and being in a foriegn country (where fat is NEVER ok) I have pretty much surrendered my queer identity even though it kills me inside. I used to be one of the worlds best fag hags, and in this country even gay guys hate fat chicks (except for a minority)

[Cors]

Sorry to hear that Donni. I find that queer women can be as judgmental, if not more so than straight folk because the community is so small. Most lesbians I know are curve-friendly but fat-phobic and a significant number are also biphobic, transphobic, queer-phobic. My "friends" turned on me for being vocal about my preferences and my choice of partners. People often tell me that I am not missing much, especially now that I am happily attached (oh yay, the supposed straight privilege) and I guess they are right but it just hurts when those people were once my family, my community and I thought I belonged. So yes, I feel some of your pain at least.

Back to your question. Well, you are married now. That is enough to make most people back off because they would assume that you are straight or at least have a monogamous arrangement with your husband. Even if you are in an open relationship or are open to polyamory, that is more than what most people are willing to handle. If it is not too personal, are you looking for general involvement in the community, friendship or physical experiences? Or is this a rant about your past experiences? It saddens me to hear that you are feeling so isolated.

A queer FFA's perspective:

I personally can find supersized women appealing, even though I have not met any in real life. Coming to think of it, I have not actually seen anyone above 350lbs in fat-unfriendly London in my three years here, let alone in clubs. From what I heard, the BBW bashes are geared towards heterosexual couples and that the girls occasionally make out with each other for fun and male amusement. The BBWs I have met in person, even queer ones were extremely negative about my size and my orientation, so I got scared off. I guess the internet works, but as queer women our choices are limited. And well, I guess it is fair to say that most (feminine) BBWs who do identify as bisexual end up settling for a male simply because queer FFAs are so much harder to come by.

And at the risk of sounding like another silly inconsiderate FA, I am honestly concerned about whether I can accomodate an SSBBW with mobility restrictions at this point of my life. As a student, I cannot afford to move to a more spacious flat without stairs, get new furniture and cab everywhere. I am sure if I do end up falling in love with a supersized person, we would try our best to work out something out.

[Babygirlneedsu]

Dear Donni, firstly hi !! It's nice to 'meet' an American girl in the next shire and having just found your interesting post I feel compelled to chip in [ and yes the portions over here are small ]. Well, I am a gay woman who loves ssbbw and from my side this is doubly disastrous as it is not only difficult to be gay but it is very difficult to meet really big and gorgeous girls in fat fearing Britain. Fat people hide away and have little confidence or the problems of poor mobility to attend social venues. It breaks two taboos for me to have to admit my full attraction preferences to friends and family and indeed , when I told my mum that I had started to visit DIMS and was thinking of going to a bbw bash, she snapped at me 'but you're not fat like that....what do you want to go there for ? ' I have just given up trying to talk about it and mostly despair of ever finding someone to settle down with.I also doubt whether,as a female FA, I would be accepted / welcomed at such an event. The lesbian community [ via gay dancing ] I have met in London are very judgemental and suspicious of anyone who dresses girly and wears the dreaded lipstick. I have been shunned for dancing with men [gay ones] as some of the women see men as the enemy and expect women to adopt the short hair trouser look, if not the full testosterone swagger ! I have seen a couple of dream women for me on DIMS and think I should swap places with you and move to America, where, although I have never been, I get the impression that there are quite a lot of confident self loving fatties and some great nightclubs dedicated to making big girls feel loved and at home ? I am a size 14/16 and have actually put on nearly a stone since reading the posts on here as all the food talk and piccys are seductive and it makes getting fatter easier or even desirable amongst friends. It is disastrous mid aft to log on to read something like ' what is your fav. cupcake flavour ?' and not head for the kitchen.
I have read a bit about you already and wish you luck with your WLS journey.If ever you want to go to a PRIDE don't let anyone put you off and if you want some moral support I will go with you.
Glad to hear that you are happily married to a good guy....it begs the question whether you would now act on bi desires now that you are hitched ? This seems to be an itch you want to scratch ? Bye for now, Lucy

p.s I am very impressed...and a tad jealous...to think that you have touched tummies with the divine Goddess Patty - awesome [ as the yanks say ! ]

[Cors]

Originally Posted by Babygirlneedsu

Dear Donni, firstly hi !! It's nice to 'meet' an American girl in the next shire and having just found your interesting post I feel compelled to chip in [ and yes the portions over here are small ]. Well, I am a gay woman who loves ssbbw and from my side this is doubly disastrous as it is not only difficult to be gay but it is very difficult to meet really big and gorgeous girls in fat fearing Britain. Fat people hide away and have little confidence or the problems of poor mobility to attend social venues. It breaks two taboos for me to have to admit my full attraction preferences to friends and family and indeed , when I told my mum that I had started to visit DIMS and was thinking of going to a bbw bash, she snapped at me 'but you're not fat like that....what do you want to go there for ? ' I have just given up trying to talk about it and mostly despair of ever finding someone to settle down with.I also doubt whether,as a female FA, I would be accepted / welcomed at such an event. The lesbian community [ via gay dancing ] I have met in London are very judgemental and suspicious of anyone who dresses girly and wears the dreaded lipstick. I have been shunned for dancing with men [gay ones] as some of the women see men as the enemy and expect women to adopt the short hair trouser look, if not the full testosterone swagger ! I have seen a couple of dream women for me on DIMS and think I should swap places with you and move to America, where, although I have never been, I get the impression that there are quite a lot of confident self loving fatties and some great nightclubs dedicated to making big girls feel loved and at home ? I am a size 14/16 and have actually put on nearly a stone since reading the posts on here as all the food talk and piccys are seductive and it makes getting fatter easier or even desirable amongst friends. It is disastrous mid aft to log on to read something like ' what is your fav. cupcake flavour ?' and not head for the kitchen.
I have read a bit about you already and wish you luck with your WLS journey.If ever you want to go to a PRIDE don't let anyone put you off and if you want some moral support I will go with you.
Glad to hear that you are happily married to a good guy....it begs the question whether you would now act on bi desires now that you are hitched ? This seems to be an itch you want to scratch ? Bye for now, Lucy

p.s I am very impressed...and a tad jealous...to think that you have touched tummies with the divine Goddess Patty - awesome [ as the yanks say ! ]

Hi fellow Londoner and queer FA! We should go to a bash together, grrrrr. Others from the UK (Donni, Mer, GD, Bexy, George) are welcome too!

[Babygirlneedsu]

Hi to you Cors! Why not ?...let's get this party started !!!!

[bexy]

There was a UK bash organised for later this month, but a lot of people couldn't make it so it has been postponed, so keep an eye out for it!

[Tooz]

Originally Posted by Cors

Hi fellow Londoner and queer FA! We should go to a bash together, grrrrr. Others from the UK (Donni, Mer, GD, Bexy, George) are welcome too!

If y'all come to a bash in Massachusetts, I will be there with bells on!

[BeautifulPoeticDisaster]

You guys are funny! lol.

I do not have an open relationship, but I have only been with Mike for 3 years....and I did have a life before him, lol. I was speaking of my past experiences. I would LOVE to be involved with a woman right now, but I am married and in a monogamous relationship.

And!!! Since when did being in a straight relationship make a person forget how to be with someone of the same sex? LOL!!!

Oh you guys. It would be grand to meet up, if only for coffee...or tea as the case may be.

I guess this post was more a moan about how judgemental lesbians are, because I have had loads of bisexual women in my life.

[Emma]

I don't know what experience you've had of the gay scene over here, but (At least in my home town Blackpool, and where I live now) I've found the people I've met to be the most accepting, friendly people ever (with the exeption of one or two bitches who are easy enough to put in place lol).

I know you don't consider me supersized, however, most of the UK does. I've been with a few women but I've never really had a problem attracting them. I was also highly involved with the scene from being 15 through to 22 and have loads of gay/lesbian friends.

I know with your mobility problems it's hard to get out and mix with other people but I reckon you should try and go out again and meet people.

[mergirl]

hmmm its weird, cause firstly most lesbians i know are actually fat. Not all supersized (when does that begin again? 25st) but most are bbws. Also, pretty much ALL the faghags in any gay club you see here are ALL big women. which used to make it confusing..when i used to be on the pull.
Maby Glasgow is different to the rest of the UK, i dont know.. I'm sure, if you went out, the gay scene would totally embrace you.
oh.. and Em, i loved the gay pubs in Blackpool when i went last sept, they had a great buzz about them..

[BeautifulPoeticDisaster]

Originally Posted by mergirl

hmmm its weird, cause firstly most lesbians i know are actually fat. Not all supersized (when does that begin again? 25st) but most are bbws. Also, pretty much ALL the faghags in any gay club you see here are ALL big women. which used to make it confusing..when i used to be on the pull.
Maby Glasgow is different to the rest of the UK, i dont know.. I'm sure, if you went out, the gay scene would totally embrace you.
oh.. and Em, i loved the gay pubs in Blackpool when i went last sept, they had a great buzz about them..

That was my point. BBWs are ok in the queer community, but SSBBWS are not.

[mergirl]

Originally Posted by BigBellySSBBW

That was my point. BBWs are ok in the queer community, but SSBBWS are not.

Yeah, i got your point but im not sure its true. As a lesbian i think ssbbws are more than ok! I think perhaps the feeling of not belonging comes more from the fact there are fewer ssbbws anywhere in the UK, not just the queer community.
I think if more ssbbws actually participated and stayed long enough in the queer community they would be loved and accepted like the rest.
Have you had any bad experiences here on the Uk queer scene? Or are you talking about before you came here?

[BeautifulPoeticDisaster]

Originally Posted by mergirl

Yeah, i got your point but im not sure its true. As a lesbian i think ssbbws are more than ok! I think perhaps the feeling of not belonging comes more from the fact there are fewer ssbbws anywhere in the UK, not just the queer community.
I think if more ssbbws actually participated and stayed long enough in the queer community they would be loved and accepted like the rest.
Have you had any bad experiences here on the Uk queer scene? Or are you talking about before you came here?

I'm not just talking about the UK though. I have expeirenced this in the queer community as a whole. And I know there are women who would find me attractive, and that's cool, but as a whole community, supersized people, say 400lbs plus are rarely welcomed with open arms. That's all.

And for what it is worth, I haven't been to a gay club since I've been here, but I have had friends smaller than me who have and got rude comments. At least a gay bar is safeish in the states.

My point is getting lost. I don't know how to find it.

[mergirl]

Originally Posted by BigBellySSBBW

I'm not just talking about the UK though. I have expeirenced this in the queer community as a whole. And I know there are women who would find me attractive, and that's cool, but as a whole community, supersized people, say 400lbs plus are rarely welcomed with open arms. That's all.

And for what it is worth, I haven't been to a gay club since I've been here, but I have had friends smaller than me who have and got rude comments. At least a gay bar is safeish in the states.

My point is getting lost. I don't know how to find it.

That you felt ostracized in the queer community because you are a ssbbw.
Did you feel that you felt more so in the queer community than you did in any other communities or in life in general?

[BeautifulPoeticDisaster]

Ok. Now that I am home from work, rested a bit and well fed...let me try to reiterate.


There is a group for fat lesbians called NOLOSE. National Organization for Lesbians of Size. That screams fat queers accepted right?!?! I had a friend go, who is near my size and she said she felt out of the circle and not accepted. So I know I am not imagining things.

Yes I feel more pushed to the side in the queer community than I do everywhere else. And this is before I got married to a man. This is before I moved to the UK. It's just how I have experienced it and I have been a part of the queer community in the bay area California and in Boise Idaho.

I find that lesbians LOVE curve and big tits, but when it comes to big bellies, they aren't so keen.

I'm not sure how it is for men. I assume the same, but I can never know for sure because I am not a supersized man.

I know without a doubt that I am not alone in my feelings of being pushed out of the queer community because of my size and I started this thread here at Dimensions to see if there was anyone like me, Supersized and struggling to be accepted in a community that supposedly accepts big women, but it appears there isn't.

[Sandie_Zitkus]

Im going to agree with you on this subject. I have had more trouble meeting women who find me attractive then I ever did with men. I am very sure I am Bi. It's not a question with me - I just am. But finding women who are into SSBBW's is a joke. There aint none, IMHO.

So anyway Donni, you're not alone in this, and I am in an open marriage, but I'll be damned if I can find a woman who is attracted to me. I give up - BAH!!

[Emma]

I like ssbbw best of all!

[mergirl]

Originally Posted by CurvyEm

I like ssbbw best of all!

Me too!!!!!

[mergirl]

Originally Posted by BigBellySSBBW

Ok. Now that I am home from work, rested a bit and well fed...let me try to reiterate.


There is a group for fat lesbians called NOLOSE. National Organization for Lesbians of Size. That screams fat queers accepted right?!?! I had a friend go, who is near my size and she said she felt out of the circle and not accepted. So I know I am not imagining things.

Yes I feel more pushed to the side in the queer community than I do everywhere else. And this is before I got married to a man. This is before I moved to the UK. It's just how I have experienced it and I have been a part of the queer community in the bay area California and in Boise Idaho.

I find that lesbians LOVE curve and big tits, but when it comes to big bellies, they aren't so keen.

I'm not sure how it is for men. I assume the same, but I can never know for sure because I am not a supersized man.

I know without a doubt that I am not alone in my feelings of being pushed out of the queer community because of my size and I started this thread here at Dimensions to see if there was anyone like me, Supersized and struggling to be accepted in a community that supposedly accepts big women, but it appears there isn't.

Sorry you feel like that. I wonder why the queer community should be any less accepting of ssbbws than the 'straight community??'
I imagine its because there isnt really a 'straight community' its just everyone else in the world who isnt queer really. I think proportionatly there are probably as many lesbians who like ssbbw as Hetro males. There are of course more hetro males in the world than lesbians so it might seem that way.
I remember going on the no-lose web site ages ago just to vote for one of my friends in some queer beauty thing ages ago and remember thinking the website was rubbish so never went back. My friend was well over 400lbs and she said she had an amazing time at the convention and hooked up with a woman. (and i think got a few phone numbers too).
I understand that you say you have felt that lesbians like big boobs and curves but not big bellies, what i'm wondering is, is that strictly a 'lesbian' thing? I know (in my real life and not on line many of my friends like curvy women but not neccissarily really big women and this goes for both my hetro male friends and my lesbian and bi friends). Bellies are my favorite! I think people who dont like them must be very mentally ill! lol. This is my preference though.
When i think about it, i think the definitions of ssbbw might be different here. I have seen/met lots of what i would consider ssbbw's in gay pubs and clubs and they get just as much luvin as thin women and smaller bbws. By ssbbw i usually mean about 24 stone upwards. Though i admit i have very rarely met anyone over (i am crap at guessing weight but at my estimation..) about 30ish stone.
Maby the larger ssbbws just arnt going out on the scene here or maby there are just less larger ssbbws in the U.K.

[mergirl]

Originally Posted by Sandie_Zitkus

Im going to agree with you on this subject. I have had more trouble meeting women who find me attractive then I ever did with men. I am very sure I am Bi. It's not a question with me - I just am. But finding women who are into SSBBW's is a joke. There aint none, IMHO.

So anyway Donni, you're not alone in this, and I am in an open marriage, but I'll be damned if I can find a woman who is attracted to me. I give up - BAH!!

Really? Thats mental. Maby your just not looking properly!! lol.
I think its the 'married' part that means less women than the ssbbw bit though.. Maby the ssbbw loving women just dont want to get their hearts broken when they want you all to thereselves!

[LalaCity]

Originally Posted by BigBellySSBBW

I used to be one of the worlds best fag hags, and in this country even gay guys hate fat chicks (except for a minority)

That's an interesting point -- because didn't you find that in the States, gay men seem to gravitate to fat girls for friendship very readily? I don't know why, exactly, but the gay men I meet in California have always been especially chummy and sympathetic to fat girls (which I love, as I consider myself a champion fag-hag in my own right ).

I've recently had a rather sad falling out with my gay male best friend of the last 20 years and it's left me wondering what I'm going to do...I really can't get by without a gay boyfriend!

[olwen]

I'm surrounded by lesbian feminists at work all the time, and from what I've seen they are not very fat friendly to small bbws so I believe it if I hear they aren't especially friendly to ssbbws. When I try to talk about size acceptance issues as a political issue I'm sometimes met with quizzical stares.

My first time going to the NWSA (National Woman's Studies Association) conference last year was a revelation too. There was one panel on size acceptance out of hundreds and while I did see a few fat lesbians there, I didn't see any supersized ones. When I asked around about the SA panel a lot of the women didn't seem to know what i was talking about and I had to point out the description in the program. It was frustrating, and I was just somewhat angry at all the apathy for the issue. I could be generalizing here, but it seems odd to me that women who are very conscious about gender and body politics would be so hostile and apathetic to women of size, queer or no.

[ashmamma84]

Originally Posted by olwen

I'm surrounded by lesbian feminists at work all the time, and from what I've seen they are not very fat friendly to small bbws so I believe it if I hear they aren't especially friendly to ssbbws. When I try to talk about size acceptance issues as a political issue I'm sometimes met with quizzical stares.

My first time going to the NWSA (National Woman's Studies Association) conference last year was a revelation too. There was one panel on size acceptance out of hundreds and while I did see a few fat lesbians there, I didn't see any supersized ones. When I asked around about the SA panel a lot of the women didn't seem to know what i was talking about and I had to point out the description in the program. It was frustrating, and I was just somewhat angry at all the apathy for the issue. I could be generalizing here, but it seems odd to me that women who are very conscious about gender and body politics would be so hostile and apathetic to women of size, queer or no.

That's interesting. Maybe one's ethnicity has something to do with it as well. I know hella chubby and fat black lesbians...some even prefer to date a fatty as well. I will say though for me, honestly...my being fat takes a backseat to the discrimination of being lesbian AND black. Just how I look at things. I've never gotten flack for being fat so maybe that's why. However, I've been questioned about what it is that I do for a living since I happen to live in an area that is mostly white and I've recieved some stares when out and about with my masculine partner...so my experience is a tad different.

[olwen]

Originally Posted by ashmamma84

That's interesting. Maybe one's ethnicity has something to do with it as well. I know hella chubby and fat black lesbians...some even prefer to date a fatty as well. I will say though for me, honestly...my being fat takes a backseat to the discrimination of being lesbian AND black. Just how I look at things. I've never gotten flack for being fat so maybe that's why. However, I've been questioned about what it is that I do for a living since I happen to live in an area that is mostly white and I've recieved some stares when out and about with my masculine partner...so my experience is a tad different.

Racism might have something to do with it. Where I work, most of the women are white and/or jewish. There are few minorities. At NWSA there were many ethinc groups represented. That they were so apathetic made me feel like size was the first thing they see since it's something that they ignore, you know what I mean?

[Emma]

I don't really know. As a white girl I will never understand how it feels to be in a situation where my colour would be considered a problem. HOWEVER, Apart from a few queens, I've never been made to feel like I don't fit in...

and I've been on the scene for a bloody long time.
You should come hang on the scene for a night, you'd love it D x