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Old 08-12-2007, 09:14 PM   #1
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Default Friends and relationships

I'm interested in hearing if anyone else has experienced this and how you may have handled.

Most of my current friends met me when I was in the final throws of a 10+ year relationship. And I guess they assumed (correctly) that when I met this person I was much thinner and he just put up with the weight gain because we were already together.

Fast forward two years . . . about six months ago I met my first FA and am thrilled. Have never, ever been happier. I never knew this type of relationship could exist - where someone loved the way I looked and who I am, rather than accepting the way I looked (but still using it against me at every possible opportunity) because they liked who I was. It is amazing.

So, I've noticed that my friends are very uncomfortable talking about the fact that I am in a new relationship. I have a group of three friends who get together once a month - and they are all gorgeous, as most people are in Los Angeles . . . one is married, one has a long-time boyfriend, and one met someone right at the same time I met my guy. Conversation all about their men, my other friend's "new man" - but nothing about mine. And when I brought it up I could tell that they were very uncomfortable.

I spent so many years telling myself that there was no difference in my friendships or relationships based on the fact that I'm overweight and this is somewhat painful to me. Another friend, who I know, loves me to death, told me that she had a dream that my guy sent me flowers, but they were very ugly flowers and she wondered about his taste. She so did not even get what this dream represented (at least to me). I have very, very good friends and I know that this is really about their social conditioning, but it is troublesome. Any thoughts?
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Old 08-12-2007, 09:29 PM   #2
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ekmanifest, I'm not sure I understand. Is your propblem the fact that you have gorgeous friends who don't support your new relationship?
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Old 08-12-2007, 09:33 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CuteyChubb View Post
ekmanifest, I'm not sure I understand. Is your propblem the fact that you have gorgeous friends who don't support your new relationship?
I think if you remove the word gorgeous from that, you're more on point.

Ek - Regardless of your/their looks, they should be happy and supportive if you're in a healthy new relationship! If they somehow feel threatened that you can actually HAVE a man, well maybe they need to get over themselves.

I would bring it up in a more direct manner the next time you're together. I'd say "I'm curious why everyone is so into "Sally's" (don't know her name) new relationship but no one seems to care about mine?? Is there a reason hers is more interesting or real?"
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Old 08-12-2007, 10:19 PM   #4
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Since your friends find value in you I am wondering why you think they would not expect a man to?

Maybe it has nothing to do with the fact you are fat perhaps they are not sure he is a good choice for you for some other reason?

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Old 08-12-2007, 10:26 PM   #5
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Default um

sometimes when our friends are used to us being one way, it is hard for them to accept us in another sense, you know, fat and happy....

you know, i always think about my thin lovely friends and figure if they are single, i am screwed, but then, that is just my problem and my thinking...

maybe this has nothing to do with them at all, but maybe you feel you are waiting for the shoe to drop (as we sometimes do in a new relationship)

and last but not least, lol, maybe they are just jealous heifers that you have someone that not only accepts you, but LIKES you just like you are....sometimes the green eyed monster is tough to shake...
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Old 08-13-2007, 12:55 AM   #6
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Thanks everyone for the feedback.

It isn't that my friends aren't supportive of my relationship, necessarily, it is just that I feel like they are uncomfortable with it, which makes me feel weird. Then again, it could just be me, projecting my feelings. I don't know that I am at the point where I could confront it head on, because, shocking as it may seem, we have never talked about me being fat.

I think SocialBFly may have hit the nail on the head - and I have heard it directly from one person - what a thought - you mean someone will accept you exactly AS YOU ARE? How cool is that?
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Old 08-13-2007, 05:59 AM   #7
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Look, I think the uncomfortableness comes from your "beautiful" friends, living a life at least partially based on keeping up appearances, and some amount of denial and self-loathing, and you are bringing them face to face with an alternate reality, that may or may not be better, but they are just not ready to face it yet.
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:07 AM   #8
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We can all offer thoughts and opinions, but I think the best people to ask are your friends. Maybe get them one on one, and just ask, using the 'I' method. 'When you don't ask me about [BF], it makes me feel like you're not very interested in me. Is that how you want me to feel in this situation?'

Just say it directly, but nicely, in hopes of engaging in a real dialogue. But, do prepare yourself for their answers. If you're asking, they may well tell you, and it might not be easy to hear (I'm not saying they'll be right).

On top of that, if there's something about him that, for whatever reason, they know and you don't, then you'll have to come to terms with that, too.

Good luck!
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:32 AM   #9
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I think this is more a question of education rather than of support. Remember when you first learned of FAs? It was a bit of a strange concept at first, right? That's where your friends are... they probably know nothing of BBWs and FAs, and don't understand the dynamic. They've absorbed the idea that Fat Is Bad, so... while they love you, right now they can't comprehend someone who has a preference of a bigger body, and they probably question his motives (the flower dream is a huge clue there). I think if you just explain that people do have other preferences... and give them a glimpse of our community, they'll start to understand, and feel more comfortable in talking about him.
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:36 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by squurp View Post
Look, I think the uncomfortableness comes from your "beautiful" friends, living a life at least partially based on keeping up appearances, and some amount of denial and self-loathing, and you are bringing them face to face with an alternate reality, that may or may not be better, but they are just not ready to face it yet.
squurp nailed it. Your happiness seems like a threat to their belief system and you are inflicting upon them the agony that is cognitive dissonance.
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Old 08-13-2007, 07:45 AM   #11
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To me it seems maybe its not even the new relationship so much as they are having a problem with, it's the idea of a man liking you at that size. Maybe deep down they think it's not attractive to look like that, so why would someone find that attractive as their personal preference?
I've kind of faced the same problem with some of my friends. Only talking about dating a guy is fine, but bringing into the fact that hes an FA and talking about how wonderful it can make me feel that he loves how my body looks, almost scared them.
One of my best friends has serious self image issues, and I think she is deep down happy for me, but is really worried and sometimes confused as to why I don't mind being this size.
It's something that some people just aren't going to be comfortable with until they have a situation in their life where majority of people think how they live in some senses is wrong.
I will agree with Jes though. Talking to them, and I would say one on one as well, and just bringing it up to get their feelings on anything you question. Then letting them know how you feel. If they are good friends they will respect your feelings and be happy for you.
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Old 08-13-2007, 08:51 AM   #12
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A big part of me thinks that they're jealous. A lot of high maintenance "attractive" thin people work SO hard being that way that when someone who's chunkier and happy with the way they are and in a relationship the skinny friend wonders why they have to work so damn hard at being magazine perfect and they get pissed. Their way of handling it is to not handle it at all.

I LOVE when a skinny chick walks by with her hot boyfriend and he totally checks me out and she scowls. Honey, they're called boobs and this is called a happy face, work on your attitude so your boyfriend doesn't dump you for my fat ass.
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Old 08-13-2007, 06:25 PM   #13
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I think SamanthaNY is right on. I have a couple of BFF's, one who is as genuine as they come and one who loves me but I know she doesn't get the FA thing at all. I have had some BAD relationships and I think my one friend just assumes any man who shows interest in me must be out to hurt me. It's to the point where I don't discuss my love life w/her at all. (Not that there's much to discuss these days )

Just remember, your happiness should be your biggest concern. Not what your friends think of your new love.
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Old 08-13-2007, 10:34 PM   #14
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I think the problem is that sometimes we forget that people that don't look/act/think like on TV aren't real people.
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