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Old 06-20-2013, 05:09 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by Donna View Post
The sexism in this post boggles my mind.
why? do you think Hugh Hefner is a romantic? lol
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:15 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
of course you have every right to call yourself anything you like. but at the same time don't get upset if you get confused with a lot of the people who are just around to frequent sex sites and get their rocks off. after all the op is concerned about actually meeting someone for a relationship. a sex site is not exactly the place to meet the kind of compassionate male she is talking about on the whole. look at the paysite numbers. then look at the rest of the forum numbers that aren't the weight gain or fat sexuality forums. that should tell her everything she needs to know. it's not that much of a just talk to and get to know people kind of a place for most of the folks who come here.

even if someone is a nice guy he might not be on his best behavior in such conditions. it's like going to the playboy mansion and expecting people to act all deep serious and understanding over there. the lions share of guys are just not going to behave that way in that environment. trying to pretend like they will is just making a joke out of everyone's common sense.
Well - I think folks are informed enough to make their own conclusions - it might not be the results you expect or are hoping for.

So if the OP is only concerned with meeting someone for a relationship - then the topic could have easily shifted to meeting folks that are nice even those who describe themselves as FA.

As I mentioned earlier- someone must have put you through an emotional meat grinder of sort.....you have a good deal of issues going on in your posts.
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Old 06-20-2013, 05:43 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by tonynyc View Post
Well - I think folks are informed enough to make their own conclusions - it might not be the results you expect or are hoping for.

So if the OP is only concerned with meeting someone for a relationship - then the topic could have easily shifted to meeting folks that are nice even those who describe themselves as FA.

As I mentioned earlier- someone must have put you through an emotional meat grinder of sort.....you have a good deal of issues going on in your posts.

so is a sex site the time or the place to meet a nice guy who is also attracted to her and is relationship centered? is that the only place where she is supposed to find one? is the only man who'll find her sexually attractive one who cannot be attracted to anything else but a fat woman? are fat women only of sexual interest to specialists? is she necessarily sexually unattractive to other men?
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Old 06-20-2013, 08:20 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
so is a sex site the time or the place to meet a nice guy who is also attracted to her and is relationship centered? is that the only place where she is supposed to find one? is the only man who'll find her sexually attractive one who cannot be attracted to anything else but a fat woman? are fat women only of sexual interest to specialists? is she necessarily sexually unattractive to other men?
Kind of ironic and funny to be ranting about sex sites on a "Fat sexuality" board...

You failed to mention that there are BBW that also enjoy sex sites.

I don't think specialist is the word you are seeking.. it's more preference and this is the choice of both Men and Women.....
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Old 06-20-2013, 11:56 PM   #55
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Originally Posted by LordQuas View Post
The complaints women have about "FAs" are the same exact complaints women have about non-FAs. Men being shallow has nothing to do with size and everything to do with men (and humans in general) being shallow. These are the problems you encounter when you're a woman that is found physically attractive, just gotta try to find the nice ones.
For sake of the OP, I reiterate the point above before I make a very thorough comment.

Searching for the right partner for a serious, long-term relationship means figuring out how to narrow your selection. I know plenty of people who get into relationships because "they love me for the totality of who I am" and that's very nice. It's very sweet and very idealistic. I'm detracting nothing from the important of being loved in totality except that it's extremely vague and I discourage people from using it as a criteria - the main reason being that when you make that the slogan for your search for true love, your heart tends to redefine it. In most cases, "someone who loves me for who I am" tends to turn into "anyone who is attracted to me and doesn't ask me to change." It's true. I see it time after time in countless relationships where you forget to check it with yourself about what you want. It's important that you search for something more in a partner than simply acceptance. Sometimes you want a partner who will help you improve yourself and not simply shrug at all your bad habits and poor behaviors. Sometimes a relationship means growth... taking down a wall and building a stronger one together, not just adding spackle to what you've already got. It's important that the person be what you want, and not simply want what you've got.

That said, can you validly use "FA" as a narrowing of your search criteria? For some, yes. They are very comfortable saying "What I'm looking for is a man who sees a fat woman in the room and naturally finds her more attractive because of her body type." With that, you accept that part of his attraction to you is going to be satisfying that specific desire. Not cool with that? Doesn't float your boat? Then obviously there are other things about yourself that you feel merit the focus of your partner's affection, more than your tummy rolls do. And that's fine.

This isn't brain surgery, it's pretty black-and-white once you remove the resentment toward the way men's sexuality functions... speaking of which...


Quote:
Originally Posted by Donna View Post
The sexism in this post boggles my mind.
Agreed. There is an ongoing thought bias that men are predatory while women are hapless prey that need to be savvy enough to see which sheep are truly sheep and not wolves in sheep's clothing. It's pretty plain. For sake of the way it's being discussed in this thread, here is it's origin:

It's based partly in reality but mostly in wrong expectations. Let me use the example of the FA again, who finds all-things-fat attractive about a woman. He loves to watch her eat and indulge, gets a thrill from seeing a big number on the scale when she steps on it, and derives a lot of his sexual pleasure from the feel of her soft, heavy body. It's objectifying? Maybe. Let me make a clear point: it's sex. Men are very physical and tactile and generally they derive a lot of pleasure from the physical part of their sexuality and not the emotional part. It's a fact. It's just the way it is. It's not wrong or immoral because it's different than the way a woman might express or experience her sexuality.

Maybe, just maybe, there might be a case where two people in a relationship have great sex for two totally different reasons. Maybe she's feeling intimate because he's being so sweet and considerate and helpful today, while he's feeling intimate because of the way that blouse highlights her bosom. My intention is not to overgeneralize, so I'll restate the point: do two people have to be synchronized exactly in order for the chemistry to be "fair and equal"? A discussion about finding the right partner doesn't need to devolve into yet another axe-grinding debate over that villainous, manipulative, animalistic tendency of a man to look for a woman that looks and feels sexy.

The differences in our sexuality is what makes the union of two people such a beautiful fusion of desires and needs. Not because they are trimmed and shaped into two puzzle pieces that fit together edge-to-edge, but because two unique shapes can mold to each other so perfectly with that bonding element we call love.

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Old 06-21-2013, 11:08 AM   #56
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Default To find the "right" person, you have to be the "right" person -or- Like attracts like

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Originally Posted by noseovertail View Post
"(I'm not sure if this is the correct forum? I apologize if not)"
I would say this is the right place if your intent was to get some candid responses from a range of different types of participants & perspectives. To see some meaningful debate. And perhaps some not as meaningful.

On the other hand, if you just wanted a safe-space to complain, & only to those with mostly similar experiences...there are other folders for that as well.

For what it's worth, I commend you on your choice....

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Originally Posted by tonynyc View Post
"Well - I think folks are informed enough to make their own conclusions..."
No, c'mon...you don't really believe that. Lot's of folks have all kinds of silly ideas. Misconceptions that require debunking. Bubbles that need bursting...

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Originally Posted by tonynyc View Post
"..someone must have put you through an emotional meat grinder of sort.....you have a good deal of issues going on in your posts."
I think I know what you mean. But, maybe, it's not fair for you to come-out with it like that. Because you can pretty-much say the same for anyone. Especially on here.

But, yeah, call me a judgemental what-have-you if it means that I file a great deal of what I read here (On Dims, in these types of threads-in general and not from any particular poster-per se...) somewhere on a continuum of "Oh my God, how sad & jaded this person-is!" versus "I can't believe anyone is still so naive.." It doesn't mean, however, that said p.o.v. is without insight. Especially not when taken altogether. That's why, I think, we all can learn from batting things around like this.

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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
"so is a sex site the time or the place to meet a nice guy who is also attracted to her and is relationship centered?"
But, this isn't a sex site. Not really. I mean, it is and it isn't. Closer to the truth would be to say that this is a Forum for Size Acceptance that has pornographic sections on it. And that allows true porn sites to advertise. Then again, it's not a dating-site either. But that certainly doesn't stop some of us.... Look, it's just more complicated than you're acknowledging.

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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
"...it's not that much of a just talk to and get to know people kind of a place for most of the folks who come here.... even if someone is a nice guy he might not be on his best behavior in such conditions. it's like going to the playboy mansion and expecting people to act all deep serious and understanding over there. the lions share of guys are just not going to behave that way in that environment. trying to pretend like they will is just making a joke out of everyone's common sense."
Nah..I don't buy into that. You don't, suddenly, change who you are because of where you are. You don't go from being a basically-decent & kind person or some sort of intellectual type to an instant meat-head as soon as you step into a night-club.

You are who you are. Pretty much.

You can, to a certain extent, adapt to new circumstances or a new environment. Or, you can also, maybe to a lesser extent, disguise your attitude, personality, etc... But only for so long. And, either way, only as much as you make a very conscious type of decision. Really, to change more permanently in even the most minute way is just more difficult than it probably seems to most people. It requires constant discipline. And, even with all kinds of support, still might not take hold.

And that's why, I think, it's more important to be able to see who someone is on a deeper & more fundamental-level, inclusive of who & how they are in the mundane day to day. As opposed to some hyper-focus on what they might do (or have failed-to) in some (past) circumstance or another. Or how they behaved in some passing phase.

And, as a skill, this is not something you develop by avoiding interactions in such "extreme" environments (e.g...a strip club, a funeral, being stuck in an elevator), by dismissing out-of-hand the potential for such exchanges. It's more-so the opposite, right? You tend to become better at reading people by, yourself, being more comfortable & more open in a wider range of social milieux, learning to interpret peoples' words & actions with yet greater specificity as they relate more directly to that particular context.
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Old 06-21-2013, 01:45 PM   #57
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Another well written post and I fully agree.





Quote:
Originally Posted by Extinctor100 View Post
For sake of the OP, I reiterate the point above before I make a very thorough comment.

Searching for the right partner for a serious, long-term relationship means figuring out how to narrow your selection. I know plenty of people who get into relationships because "they love me for the totality of who I am" and that's very nice. It's very sweet and very idealistic. I'm detracting nothing from the important of being loved in totality except that it's extremely vague and I discourage people from using it as a criteria - the main reason being that when you make that the slogan for your search for true love, your heart tends to redefine it. In most cases, "someone who loves me for who I am" tends to turn into "anyone who is attracted to me and doesn't ask me to change." It's true. I see it time after time in countless relationships where you forget to check it with yourself about what you want. It's important that you search for something more in a partner than simply acceptance. Sometimes you want a partner who will help you improve yourself and not simply shrug at all your bad habits and poor behaviors. Sometimes a relationship means growth... taking down a wall and building a stronger one together, not just adding spackle to what you've already got. It's important that the person be what you want, and not simply want what you've got.

That said, can you validly use "FA" as a narrowing of your search criteria? For some, yes. They are very comfortable saying "What I'm looking for is a man who sees a fat woman in the room and naturally finds her more attractive because of her body type." With that, you accept that part of his attraction to you is going to be satisfying that specific desire. Not cool with that? Doesn't float your boat? Then obviously there are other things about yourself that you feel merit the focus of your partner's affection, more than your tummy rolls do. And that's fine.

This isn't brain surgery, it's pretty black-and-white once you remove the resentment toward the way men's sexuality functions... speaking of which...




Agreed. There is an ongoing thought bias that men are predatory while women are hapless prey that need to be savvy enough to see which sheep are truly sheep and not wolves in sheep's clothing. It's pretty plain. For sake of the way it's being discussed in this thread, here is it's origin:

It's based partly in reality but mostly in wrong expectations. Let me use the example of the FA again, who finds all-things-fat attractive about a woman. He loves to watch her eat and indulge, gets a thrill from seeing a big number on the scale when she steps on it, and derives a lot of his sexual pleasure from the feel of her soft, heavy body. It's objectifying? Maybe. Let me make a clear point: it's sex. Men are very physical and tactile and generally they derive a lot of pleasure from the physical part of their sexuality and not the emotional part. It's a fact. It's just the way it is. It's not wrong or immoral because it's different than the way a woman might express or experience her sexuality.

Maybe, just maybe, there might be a case where two people in a relationship have great sex for two totally different reasons. Maybe she's feeling intimate because he's being so sweet and considerate and helpful today, while he's feeling intimate because of the way that blouse highlights her bosom. My intention is not to overgeneralize, so I'll restate the point: do two people have to be synchronized exactly in order for the chemistry to be "fair and equal"? A discussion about finding the right partner doesn't need to devolve into yet another axe-grinding debate over that villainous, manipulative, animalistic tendency of a man to look for a woman that looks and feels sexy.

The differences in our sexuality is what makes the union of two people such a beautiful fusion of desires and needs. Not because they are trimmed and shaped into two puzzle pieces that fit together edge-to-edge, but because two unique shapes can mold to each other so perfectly with that bonding element we call love.
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Old 06-21-2013, 04:56 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
of course you have every right to call yourself anything you like. but at the same time don't get upset if you get confused with a lot of the people who are just around to frequent sex sites and get their rocks off. after all the op is concerned about actually meeting someone for a relationship. a sex site is not exactly the place to meet the kind of compassionate male she is talking about on the whole. look at the paysite numbers. then look at the rest of the forum numbers that aren't the weight gain or fat sexuality forums. that should tell her everything she needs to know. it's not that much of a just talk to and get to know people kind of a place for most of the folks who come here.

even if someone is a nice guy he might not be on his best behavior in such conditions. it's like going to the playboy mansion and expecting people to act all deep serious and understanding over there. the lions share of guys are just not going to behave that way in that environment. trying to pretend like they will is just making a joke out of everyone's common sense.


Some points you seem to be missing:

1) Women like getting off too (perhaps even more than men do);

2) Compassionate men like looking at sexy pictures of naked women too;

3) I'd be offended if a sex interest described me as compassionate -- I'm pretty sure that guys who are thought of as "compassionate" aren't getting much action -- thus an even greater need for porn;

3) Lots of women don't want their guy to be on his best behavior!

Last edited by bigmac; 06-21-2013 at 05:01 PM.
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Old 06-21-2013, 05:10 PM   #59
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Originally Posted by bigmac View Post
Some points you seem to be missing:

1) Women like getting off too (perhaps even more than men do);

2) Compassionate men like looking at sexy pictures of naked women too;

3) I'd be offended if a sex interest described me as compassionate -- I'm pretty sure that guys who are thought of as "compassionate" aren't getting much action -- thus an even greater need for porn;

3) Lots of women don't want their guy to be on his best behavior!
nobody said people should not come to a sex site to have fun but it isn't generally a relationship place. no sex site is. the op could definitely have as many hook -ups as she likes. she is a pretty girl, but evidently she wants more than that and it has not been so easy for her to come by in the community.

in the community people are often so concerned about whether and if somebody likes their body that the sexuality part of relationships gets totally out of whack compared to everything else. for people who are used to having sex regularly and being attractive to someone and also having relationships it can seem out of balance. but people in the community often have to work on the fact that they are even desirable in the first place. but i'm not so sure the way it's approached in the community is healthy because women are often made to feel like only a sexual specialist or a fetishist will be attracted to them and that other men not a part of the community and not waving the label flag can't possibly be as passionately sexually interested in them but can only tolerate them. it only underscores the idea that they are social misfits or that it is wrong or somehow odd to even be attracted to them. but there is such a strong opposition of many in the community to behave as though being attracted to a fat woman is a normal and perfectly understandable thing. so in some way if you are a fat woman you have to agree to be some kind of oddity or freak even within the community. that is something i hope we can definitely change one day. until we normalize fat people there will always be a truckload of prejudice waiting for them where ever they go.

unfortunately there are people who don't ever want it normalized because that would decrease their sexual enjoyment and even prejudice ads an edge that they like.
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Old 06-21-2013, 05:23 PM   #60
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Originally Posted by bigmac View Post
Some points you seem to be missing:

1) Women like getting off too (perhaps even more than men do);

2) Compassionate men like looking at sexy pictures of naked women too;

3) I'd be offended if a sex interest described me as compassionate -- I'm pretty sure that guys who are thought of as "compassionate" aren't getting much action -- thus an even greater need for porn;

3) Lots of women don't want their guy to be on his best behavior!

Psstt.... two #3's! I like the second point, by the way. It's kinda forgotten.
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Old 06-21-2013, 05:41 PM   #61
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i'm sure a lot of people will think this is trite and i am not a religious person in the traditional sense but to a large extent there is a lot of truth to this:


Porn is a drug that leads to addiction. "It gives you a hit, it gives you a high that cannot be sustained unless you have massive exposure to it," Rabbi Shmuley says. As such, he says men often consume more and more porn, which can lead to distancing themselves from their loved ones, losing their jobs, etc.

Porn is a form of sexism. Women are commoditized and objectified in porn, which puts them on an unequal footing with men. Rabbi Shmuley says this leads men to regard women as subordinate. "He sees breasts and genitalia," he says. "He sees the walking gratification of his material urges. So, he can't relate to that woman because there's no person—all he can do is use that woman."

Porn portrays all women in one of four degrading, dehumanizing categories. They're either a "greedy gold-digger," "mindless playmate," "insatiable nymphomaniac" or "one who craves pain," Rabbi Shmuley says. "It gives you the most insidious view of women," he says. This can lead to an inability to form meaningful romantic relationships and even violence against women.

Porn makes men get bored with their own wives. "Excessive exposure to the incredible variety of naked bodies that you see in porn makes men feel permanently dissatisfied with their wives' bodies," Rabbi Shmuley says.
Porn cultivates a single standard of beauty that no real women can live up to. Again, Rabbi Shmuley says this leads men to be mistakenly dissatisfied with reality as it pertains to sex.

Today's Shmuleyism
"The principle sin of porn is not one of commission but omission. All the erotic energy that should be focused on the woman in your life is being wasted. Your eroticism is being punctured, leaving your relationship boring and predictable."

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/T...#ixzz2Wtuzv2aB
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Old 06-21-2013, 05:51 PM   #62
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Old 06-23-2013, 04:01 AM   #63
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Hello, noseovertail. To get back to your original post:

Someone who labels themselves as a fat admirer first and foremost probably values fatness very strongly in a partner and possibly in themselves too. That's good information. It tells you about the person's priorities.

Some people, the first thing they say about themselves is that they're "Christian," or "progressive," or "fun." (Don't you love that one?) When "fat admirer" is the first or most passionate thing a person reveals about themselves, you can expect that a relationship with them will focus heavily on your squishy bits.

It's understandable to feel that you're not being appreciated as a "whole person" when someone is immediately into a specific aspect of you, but it's also healthy for people to have romantic priorities in a partnership, and the one is by no means the same as the other. In particular, there is no such thing as valuing "the whole you" outside of the context of all your parts. Your fat is a part of who you are. It is a part of your body, to which people are attracted, and in this fat-hating society it is also a part of your social history because of the way people treat you for being fat. If somebody says they're a fat admirer and that they're attracted to your fat, that doesn't mean they're not also attracted to the whole you, and it doesn't mean they're not also attracted to other specific aspects of you. It could mean these things--and you will be able to tell those people apart quickly enough, and should probably avoid them--but more often it means that the fat admirer simply has a natural preference and is sexually healthy enough to be honest about it.

Then it comes down to you to make a decision about whether you're comfortable in a relationship that heavily focuses on your fatness. If you're not comfortable, then you're not comfortable, and you should avoid dating people whose first words out of their mouths is that they're fat admirers.

But if you're not sure whether you'd be comfortable in that kind of a relationship, then explore. What you will find, just as with people who aren't fat admirers, is that most of them aren't a good fit for you (including some real jerks), while a few are worth further consideration. And when it comes to those people, just as surely as they're going to be interested in more than just your fat even if your fat is the first thing they notice, you're going to realize that there's more to them than their fat admiration, even if fat admiration is one of their most evident qualities.

A further thought about exploring: Our sexually conservative society continually insists that to like a person for their body is cheap and insensitive, but that's a bald-faced lie. Not only are our bodies a central source of enjoyment of life, and thus a very deep and meaningful way to forge a romantic connection (be it through eating, sport, sex, or any number of other physical activities), but, indeed, some of the best friendships begin with sexual attraction, and only after the initial romantic flurry does that become apparent. In our culture we often talk about reserving sex until farther in a relationship or even all the way till marriage, but for many people it's much healthier is for a couple to get the sex out of the way pretty soon and then explore each other's personalities. This, too, depends on your own priorities, and it may or may not be suitable for you, but I bring it up because you will find that with many fat admirers--who have suffered a lifetime of being shamed for their sexual identity--many will become much more comfortable with you, much more interested in your non-fat-bits, and simply much more "themselves," after sex.

When I was looking for a partner I never used the term "fat admirer," because there are other aspects about my own personality and my preferences in a partner that are more important to me, but I was always up-front about the prominence of fat in my sexual identity. I deliberately sought out people who were both fat and comfortable with it, because I knew that seeking out thin people wouldn't be healthy for me and seeking out fat and unhappy people would be unhealthy for both of us. This makes me think, once again, that what it all comes down to is your comfort with your own body, and your inner fat acceptance.

If inner fat acceptance is a journey that you're still struggling to complete, Dimensions really isn't the best website anymore to seek out and understand it. There are some really mean-spirited and damaged people on here (including in this thread), and the moderators have pretty much given up over the years on stopping their misbehavior. I would recommend you check out fat acceptance communities elsewhere. A couple really good ones include "The Fat Nutritionist" and "Dances with Fat," but with some diligent searching for terms like "fat acceptance" you can find many more. You can also find people exploring their fat sexuality artistically on Tumblr and Deviant Art. I also run my own fat acceptance community, on da social webs, which despite me being the owner skews pretty heavily female and focuses primarily on the social bigotry against fat women in particular, and if you're interested in it you can PM me.
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Old 06-23-2013, 08:22 AM   #64
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Psstt.... two #3's! I like the second point, by the way. It's kinda forgotten.

Not saying compassion is bad or not important. Just saying that when the subject is dating saying someone is "compassionate" is pretty much the same as saying they have a "good personality."
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Old 06-23-2013, 12:49 PM   #65
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OP hasn't posted since the first few posts of the first page, guys... just sayin.
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Old 06-23-2013, 12:54 PM   #66
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OP hasn't posted since the first few posts of the first page, guys... just sayin.
Maybe the OP will return; but, it was nice that you shared your wonderful story
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Old 06-23-2013, 01:15 PM   #67
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Thanks!
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Old 06-23-2013, 05:09 PM   #68
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for the young women reading this thread the words of Ntozake Shange:


Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff and didn't care enough to send a note home saying "I was late for my solo conversation" or "two sizes too small for my own tacky skirts". What can anybody do with something of no value on an open market? Did you get a dime for my things? Hey, man! Where are you going with all of my stuff? This is a woman's trip and I need my stuff to "Ooh" and "Ah" about. Honest to God, somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff and I didn't bring anything but the kick and sway of it. The perfect ass for my man and none of it is theirs. This is mine, Juanita's own things. That's my name. Now give me my stuff. I see you hiding my laugh and how I sit with my legs open sometimes to give my crotch some sunlight. This is some delicate leg and whimsical kiss. I gotta have to give to my choice. So you can't have me unless I give me away. And I was doing all that till you ran off on a good thing. And who is this you left me with? Some simple bitch with a bad attitude? I want my things. I want my arm with the hot iron scar. I want my leg with the flea bite. Yeah, I want my things. I want my calloused feet and quick language back in my mouth. I want my own things. How I loved them. Somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff and I was standing there looking at myself the whole time. It wasn't a spirit that ran off with my stuff. It was a man whose ego walked 'round like Rodan's shadow. It was a man faster than my innocence. It was a lover I made too much room for. Almost ran off with all my stuff and the one running with it don't know he got it. I'm shouting, "This is mine!" and he don't even know he got it. My stuff is the anonymous ripped-off treasure of the year. Did you know somebody almost got away with me? Me, in a plastic bag under his arm. Me, Juanita Sims. Somebody almost walked off with all my stuff.
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Old 06-23-2013, 05:28 PM   #69
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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
for the young women reading this thread the words of Ntozake Shange:


Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff and didn't care enough to send a note home saying "I was late for my solo conversation" or "two sizes too small for my own tacky skirts". What can anybody do with something of no value on an open market? Did you get a dime for my things? Hey, man! Where are you going with all of my stuff? This is a woman's trip and I need my stuff to "Ooh" and "Ah" about. Honest to God, somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff and I didn't bring anything but the kick and sway of it. The perfect ass for my man and none of it is theirs. This is mine, Juanita's own things. That's my name. Now give me my stuff. I see you hiding my laugh and how I sit with my legs open sometimes to give my crotch some sunlight. This is some delicate leg and whimsical kiss. I gotta have to give to my choice. So you can't have me unless I give me away. And I was doing all that till you ran off on a good thing. And who is this you left me with? Some simple bitch with a bad attitude? I want my things. I want my arm with the hot iron scar. I want my leg with the flea bite. Yeah, I want my things. I want my calloused feet and quick language back in my mouth. I want my own things. How I loved them. Somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff and I was standing there looking at myself the whole time. It wasn't a spirit that ran off with my stuff. It was a man whose ego walked 'round like Rodan's shadow. It was a man faster than my innocence. It was a lover I made too much room for. Almost ran off with all my stuff and the one running with it don't know he got it. I'm shouting, "This is mine!" and he don't even know he got it. My stuff is the anonymous ripped-off treasure of the year. Did you know somebody almost got away with me? Me, in a plastic bag under his arm. Me, Juanita Sims. Somebody almost walked off with all my stuff.
Sing it for the children! They don't hear you though.

I kept hearing Loretta Devine's voice as I read this since she played Juanita in For Colored Girls. She went IN on that piece.
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Old 06-23-2013, 06:33 PM   #70
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Not saying compassion is bad or not important. Just saying that when the subject is dating saying someone is "compassionate" is pretty much the same as saying they have a "good personality."
... until you've spent time with someone who isn't compassionate or doesn't have a good personality
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Old 06-23-2013, 06:43 PM   #71
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Hello, noseovertail. To get back to your original post:

Someone who labels themselves as a fat admirer first and foremost probably values fatness very strongly in a partner and possibly in themselves too. That's good information. It tells you about the person's priorities.

Some people, the first thing they say about themselves is that they're "Christian," or "progressive," or "fun." (Don't you love that one?) When "fat admirer" is the first or most passionate thing a person reveals about themselves, you can expect that a relationship with them will focus heavily on your squishy bits.

It's understandable to feel that you're not being appreciated as a "whole person" when someone is immediately into a specific aspect of you, but it's also healthy for people to have romantic priorities in a partnership, and the one is by no means the same as the other. In particular, there is no such thing as valuing "the whole you" outside of the context of all your parts. Your fat is a part of who you are. It is a part of your body, to which people are attracted, and in this fat-hating society it is also a part of your social history because of the way people treat you for being fat. If somebody says they're a fat admirer and that they're attracted to your fat, that doesn't mean they're not also attracted to the whole you, and it doesn't mean they're not also attracted to other specific aspects of you. It could mean these things--and you will be able to tell those people apart quickly enough, and should probably avoid them--but more often it means that the fat admirer simply has a natural preference and is sexually healthy enough to be honest about it.

Then it comes down to you to make a decision about whether you're comfortable in a relationship that heavily focuses on your fatness. If you're not comfortable, then you're not comfortable, and you should avoid dating people whose first words out of their mouths is that they're fat admirers.

But if you're not sure whether you'd be comfortable in that kind of a relationship, then explore. What you will find, just as with people who aren't fat admirers, is that most of them aren't a good fit for you (including some real jerks), while a few are worth further consideration. And when it comes to those people, just as surely as they're going to be interested in more than just your fat even if your fat is the first thing they notice, you're going to realize that there's more to them than their fat admiration, even if fat admiration is one of their most evident qualities.

A further thought about exploring: Our sexually conservative society continually insists that to like a person for their body is cheap and insensitive, but that's a bald-faced lie. Not only are our bodies a central source of enjoyment of life, and thus a very deep and meaningful way to forge a romantic connection (be it through eating, sport, sex, or any number of other physical activities), but, indeed, some of the best friendships begin with sexual attraction, and only after the initial romantic flurry does that become apparent. In our culture we often talk about reserving sex until farther in a relationship or even all the way till marriage, but for many people it's much healthier is for a couple to get the sex out of the way pretty soon and then explore each other's personalities. This, too, depends on your own priorities, and it may or may not be suitable for you, but I bring it up because you will find that with many fat admirers--who have suffered a lifetime of being shamed for their sexual identity--many will become much more comfortable with you, much more interested in your non-fat-bits, and simply much more "themselves," after sex.

When I was looking for a partner I never used the term "fat admirer," because there are other aspects about my own personality and my preferences in a partner that are more important to me, but I was always up-front about the prominence of fat in my sexual identity. I deliberately sought out people who were both fat and comfortable with it, because I knew that seeking out thin people wouldn't be healthy for me and seeking out fat and unhappy people would be unhealthy for both of us. This makes me think, once again, that what it all comes down to is your comfort with your own body, and your inner fat acceptance.

If inner fat acceptance is a journey that you're still struggling to complete, Dimensions really isn't the best website anymore to seek out and understand it. There are some really mean-spirited and damaged people on here (including in this thread), and the moderators have pretty much given up over the years on stopping their misbehavior. I would recommend you check out fat acceptance communities elsewhere. A couple really good ones include "The Fat Nutritionist" and "Dances with Fat," but with some diligent searching for terms like "fat acceptance" you can find many more. You can also find people exploring their fat sexuality artistically on Tumblr and Deviant Art. I also run my own fat acceptance community, on da social webs, which despite me being the owner skews pretty heavily female and focuses primarily on the social bigotry against fat women in particular, and if you're interested in it you can PM me.
your spot has the same problems everyone else has in the community.

1. the time spent over being angry and negative about being fat still way outweighs the celebration especially independent of comparisons to what "society " thinks.

2. the lack of personal freedom in the name of a "safe space".

3. guys assuming what they think about a woman's body is actually germane to her confidence instead of what she actually thinks about herself including such things as her personal character , accomplishments and feelings of self worth.

same people. same problems. a different space. that's all. nice try at salesmanship though.
i hope all the young girls watching realize that the people they should pay the least attention to are the people trying to sell them on something. it could be their page, a website or a one sided relationship. beware of the salesmen just like in the used car lot of life.
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Old 06-23-2013, 08:21 PM   #72
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"OP hasn't posted since the first few posts of the first page, guys... just sayin."
Yes. I know. And it makes me very angry. Because, as often as I take the extra effort of carefully-crafting quality thread-topics of some of legitimate interest & serious-import...of course, only to be chastised & summarily dismissed. Doesn't seem very fair, does it? But, what can any of us do but to just keep trying, right?
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Old 06-23-2013, 08:59 PM   #73
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For sake of the OP, I reiterate the point above before I make a very thorough comment.

Searching for the right partner for a serious, long-term relationship means figuring out how to narrow your selection. I know plenty of people who get into relationships because "they love me for the totality of who I am" and that's very nice. It's very sweet and very idealistic. I'm detracting nothing from the important of being loved in totality except that it's extremely vague and I discourage people from using it as a criteria - the main reason being that when you make that the slogan for your search for true love, your heart tends to redefine it. In most cases, "someone who loves me for who I am" tends to turn into "anyone who is attracted to me and doesn't ask me to change." It's true. I see it time after time in countless relationships where you forget to check it with yourself about what you want. It's important that you search for something more in a partner than simply acceptance. Sometimes you want a partner who will help you improve yourself and not simply shrug at all your bad habits and poor behaviors. Sometimes a relationship means growth... taking down a wall and building a stronger one together, not just adding spackle to what you've already got. It's important that the person be what you want, and not simply want what you've got.

That said, can you validly use "FA" as a narrowing of your search criteria? For some, yes. They are very comfortable saying "What I'm looking for is a man who sees a fat woman in the room and naturally finds her more attractive because of her body type." With that, you accept that part of his attraction to you is going to be satisfying that specific desire. Not cool with that? Doesn't float your boat? Then obviously there are other things about yourself that you feel merit the focus of your partner's affection, more than your tummy rolls do. And that's fine.

This isn't brain surgery, it's pretty black-and-white once you remove the resentment toward the way men's sexuality functions... speaking of which...




Agreed. There is an ongoing thought bias that men are predatory while women are hapless prey that need to be savvy enough to see which sheep are truly sheep and not wolves in sheep's clothing. It's pretty plain. For sake of the way it's being discussed in this thread, here is it's origin:

It's based partly in reality but mostly in wrong expectations. Let me use the example of the FA again, who finds all-things-fat attractive about a woman. He loves to watch her eat and indulge, gets a thrill from seeing a big number on the scale when she steps on it, and derives a lot of his sexual pleasure from the feel of her soft, heavy body. It's objectifying? Maybe. Let me make a clear point: it's sex. Men are very physical and tactile and generally they derive a lot of pleasure from the physical part of their sexuality and not the emotional part. It's a fact. It's just the way it is. It's not wrong or immoral because it's different than the way a woman might express or experience her sexuality.

Maybe, just maybe, there might be a case where two people in a relationship have great sex for two totally different reasons. Maybe she's feeling intimate because he's being so sweet and considerate and helpful today, while he's feeling intimate because of the way that blouse highlights her bosom. My intention is not to overgeneralize, so I'll restate the point: do two people have to be synchronized exactly in order for the chemistry to be "fair and equal"? A discussion about finding the right partner doesn't need to devolve into yet another axe-grinding debate over that villainous, manipulative, animalistic tendency of a man to look for a woman that looks and feels sexy.

The differences in our sexuality is what makes the union of two people such a beautiful fusion of desires and needs. Not because they are trimmed and shaped into two puzzle pieces that fit together edge-to-edge, but because two unique shapes can mold to each other so perfectly with that bonding element we call love.
i think this may be valid to you but you have missed a point and also made the ops point. you keep talking mainly about sexuality. there are some of us who have been having great passionate sex and enjoying it whole heartedly for our entire adult life with various people over time. we've also more often than not had meaningful relationships with these same people.

i think sometimes people in the community get so caught up with the sex because for some it is such a big issue for because they often spend a lot of their time feeling undesirable and alone probably because they have done as you've suggested and "narrowed their search" a bit too much. and then on the other side there are the guys who've always felt strange, different and overly sensitive for desiring what they do. and, there are women who don't want men watching and obsessing over what they do eat and how big they get just as much as they don't want men who obsess over what they don't eat and how thin they get as a center point of their relationship. and, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that fat or not.

for those of us that sex and passion are not anything that we were ever worried about or lacked our criteria might be different. people keep talking about sex like that is all there is. well we have sex and have had lots of very good sex. it's the other stuff that tends to be a problem to get and per this conversation not a whole lot of people in the community who get that fact--that there are fat women out there who have never had a lack in the sex and passion arena even when compared with being with someone in the community. but what there is often a deficit in is people really understanding the whole importance of also having a good relationship because so much of their emphasis is somewhere else and they can't even truly comprehend how that could be the paramount fulfilling issue for someone else.

look at the percentage of time spent on this thread on getting sex. the op has never said she had a problem with sex. she hasn't said she had a problem finding men. people here made the same prejudiced assumption that they feel the general public might. and what has gone undressed is the lack of depth she has found in the community when she, like many, has simply decided to try it because she just happens to be fat and she found that it existed. before that she was simply living her life and having relationships and sex just like anyone else. she has done in this thread what has been done by a lot of new people trying the community who are not totally obsessed with the negative aspects of their size. she has simply gone somewhere else where people get it. and as Yakatori said was basically ignored when she said:

I am wondering what kind of relationship/emotional issues people have faced either being an FA or dating one?

I'm 29, almost 30, and have only dated "regular" guys all of my life up until about 8 months or so ago when I found this world of "FA's" which I honestly never knew existed!

But, in all honesty, I feel like I was valued more as a whole person when I was out just finding 'regular' guys to date. Which seems ironic, no?

Has anyone experienced this? It feels as though there almost seems to be a block between the emotional connection and the physical connection with an FA. Almost like in an objectified way... I don't know if this comes from men looking at bigger girls mostly in porn so that's the connection they make?

I know that an experience with a few is not necessarily representative of the entire group- but it has just been my experience so far, and it's (perhaps naively) not what I would have expected. ?? Am I alone here?


my answer is no she is not alone since many of the people who are the most verbal don't and won't ever get your point at all. it's all about what they want and not about what you want. tg not everyone here is like that but it is sometimes hard to know that given what the most verbose often have to say. you asked what she wanted as f she did not know her own mind. in so many words she has already said an emotional connection is very important thing for her. what part of that did you not hear?
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:45 PM   #74
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Well - I think folks are informed enough to make their own conclusions - it might not be the results you expect or are hoping for.

So if the OP is only concerned with meeting someone for a relationship - then the topic could have easily shifted to meeting folks that are nice even those who describe themselves as FA.

As I mentioned earlier- someone must have put you through an emotional meat grinder of sort.....you have a good deal of issues going on in your posts.
go back and read her first post and pay some actual attention to what she asked and instead of thinking about yourself as an FA think of her
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Old 06-23-2013, 10:05 PM   #75
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I was going to post about this recently because I find myself having experienced the same as well. Also 29 going on 30 and just having discovered the FA community about nine months ago. I think first off it is important to note whether your FA is open about his preferences or closeted. If closeted you have to accept that it may just be a physical fling for you. It is his journey to decide whether or not he can move beyond that.

I agree with a lot of the comments here, especially on the fact that we are so used to only being loved for our personality that it is hard to accept the polar opposite. To me, it was interesting and kind of nice to have it be just the opposite. Only that once though. It is not something I really want for myself again. I was also fairly certain I was not interested in any sort of relationship at this point of my life but sort of just fell into one.

A friend on here recommended another site to have a look around. Honestly the site was full on and freaked me out a bit but something incredibly good came of it. I've found myself someone who is undoubtedly an FA but we connect on a very deep level. We only messaged on that site twice before going to email/skype/phone then more but the site has never even come up since. He was the only person there that didn't objectify me and he treats me amazingly and it is just a lot of fun to learn more about him and find out how crazily similar we are, while being polar opposites. More so, he even supports me in weight loss despite the fact that he is open about his preferences...which is nice, because to be around for a long time, I DO need to drop some weight...which I have been doing.

It takes time, but you will find an FA who is the best of both worlds. It is just a matter of finding that guy who likes you on both levels. I think a big assumption is that because he is an FA, he will automatically like me, which is not at all the case. Let's face it though, you have to be attracted to him as well! So I think there needs to be a balance, no matter what kind of person you find.

Good luck to you!!! <3
i think your friend was doing you a huge favor and sending you to a full on site so that you could see unrestrained exactly what you're truly dealing with in order to help determine if it is really for you. i hope you paid full attention.
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