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Old 04-17-2013, 02:38 PM   #1
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Default "I'm not homophobic, I have gay friends..."

Arg people...

So, I'm chatting with my friend and so on, and she's very opinionated. Very. And in many ways, she is lovely.

I am bothered by this story both because I love her and she irritated me, and also because I let something like this irritate me, and partly because she is coming off as a homophobic idiot in it and I know that she isnt someone who hates gay people, just someone who has internalised alot of stupid things and someone who WILL NOT LISTEN.

She basically said that no-one in the west cares if you're gay, no-one gives a shit, so would you stop making such a big deal about it. Because it irritates her.

I tried arguing with her, but shes pregnant and arguing with her upsets her, and nothing makes you feel shit like arguing with your pregnant best friend and trying to not upset her and doing it anyway and you feel like crap cos you upset your most wonderful awesome friend in the world AND you upset her unborn baby lump thing I guess but IT IS NOT OKAY TO SAY THAT DAMMIT.

"But hun, I'm not homophobic, I have gay friends and I love you and you're my best friend and you're bi. I don't care if you're gay, I don't care if my son turns out gay. It's not a big deal."

But you don't think it's OK for a gay couple to raise kids. You don't like it when gay people kiss in public, or on the TV. You don't like "camp" people. You think that people who are "too flamboyantly gay" should accept that by acting that way they are "asking for trouble". And you think that by prostesting, by speaking out against people judging you for these things, gay people are "taking the piss" because, of course, homophobia isn't really a problem in this country anymore.

Why oh why oh why oh why can you not see how OFFENSIVE and yes, how HOMOPHOBIC these attitudes are?

Saying "But I'm not homophobic, I have gay friends," dosnt not give you the goddamn right to spout whatever disgusting opinions you feel like at the time and get mad at me when I tell you that it IS homophobic and it is NOT ok, and then get mad at me again because "how could you even think I am homophobic you know I'm not like that, why are you getting angry?"

ARGH.

I told you why I'm angry.

You just. Don't. Wan't. To. Listen.

We made up. We are fine. But she still believes these bloody things, and I won't bring it up again because I don't want to ruin a pefectly good friendship. I hope, over time, some of my attitude will rub off on her. I got her to agree that marriage is a universal right. Baby steps.

But seriously, how often to people do that? Say something offensive and then end it with "but I'm not predjudiced, I have gay friends."

*growls*
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Old 04-17-2013, 03:39 PM   #2
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When I read all that it reminded me of the whole 'I'm not racist but' thing people do

Its still racist to even say that. Sometimes you can not argue with a brick wall person all you can do is hope that your example and who you are will in time break down those barriers

plant, water and nurture the seeds and eventually no matter how stubborn the person they will grow.
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Old 06-12-2013, 01:19 AM   #3
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When I read all that it reminded me of the whole 'I'm not racist but' thing people do

Its still racist to even say that. Sometimes you can not argue with a brick wall person all you can do is hope that your example and who you are will in time break down those barriers

plant, water and nurture the seeds and eventually no matter how stubborn the person they will grow.
Ah if only people were as simple as a flower bed. My grandmothers pulled the "not racist" thing, like she once said "I'm not racist but if you date a black girl you can't bring her here." Wow. "But I'm not" is one of the oldest prejudice lines ever, and a clear sign you are in fact racist, sexist, homophobic, ect.
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Old 06-12-2013, 07:46 AM   #4
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plant, water and nurture the seeds and eventually no matter how stubborn the person they will grow.
I think this is true. But some will grow taller than others, and they may not wind up looking like the picture on the seed packet. We cannot make our love for our friends conditional on their enlightenment, any more than we can make our love for gay people, or straight people, or black people, or white people, conditional on their becoming "more like us." People aren't the way they ought to be; they're the way they are.
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Old 06-12-2013, 08:46 AM   #5
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I think part of the problem here is the word, homophobic. There are degrees in everything, and while the OP's best friend doesn't consider herself homophobic, because she's her best friend, there needs to be another word for what she is. Perhaps, something less harsh, like "Homo-liker-just-not-TOTALLY-accepting".
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Old 06-13-2013, 05:55 PM   #6
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plant, water and nurture the seeds and eventually no matter how stubborn the person they will grow.
That is not true of everyone. I'd venture it's not even true of most. People are quite attached to their preconceived notions and prejudices. For someone to change, they first have to admit they were wrong. That's not something most people are willing to do.
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