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Old 05-12-2013, 02:28 AM   #1
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Default Not sure how to handle this

Not really sure where to begin but I should probably start off by saying that i'm a closet FA and the problem I have is that I feel like everyone will just come down hard on me if I reveal my preference. I already know that my parents do not like my preference in women. My first gf was around 300lbs and when I showed them a picture of her to my parents all they could talk about was her weight, which I obviously didnt enjoy so after that I tried to avoid the topic. Recently I just met this girl that im interested in dating, but she is way bigger than my previous gf which I like but at the same time, I can't stop imagining what friends and family would say if they ever meet her. So im very connflicted right now over what to do. I want to go out with her but at the same time I don't want her to get hurt because of my friends and family. And I also don't want to put my preference out there cause I know there viewpoints on me will change and who knows what will happen cause of that. So, im just looking for some advice on this.
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Old 05-12-2013, 07:07 AM   #2
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Okay, first off I can totally empathise with the whole family issue. I am with a gorgeous BHM of around 400lbs and all my mother can talk about is his size. Which I find deeply annoying but at the end of the day it is her with the problem and her insecurities that lead her to this behaviour so I feel sorry for her more than anything.

That said, you can not stay a closeted FA and expect to ever have a successful relationship with a larger woman. You just can't. I don't mean to be cruel but that is a fact. Put yourself in a BBW's shoes and imagine how that feels. You have to deal with the stupid opinions of strangers, societies huge emphasis on being slim to be pretty and accepted and a larger BBW is going to have to cope with things such as not fitting comfortably in seats, being unable to go to certain places like an amusement park because they don't fit on the rides etc etc. BBW are awesome and plenty of them are strong, confident ladies but they still have to deal with all this negative attention. Then imagine that you meet a young gentleman and he is a lovely man and you get close to him. Over time you realise that you have never met his parents, never met his friends. You ask to see them and you never have. He just comes up with more and more excuses as to why you can't and then you realise that he never takes you out in public places either and you realise he is ashamed of you. How would that make you feel? Nobody can live in a relationship like that, it isn't healthy at all and unless you want to ruin a ladies self esteem you will stay away from relationships until you are adult and mature enough to realise that nobody else has any say in your private and personal business. Nobody deserves the damage of going out with a person who is supposed to love and care for them but is obviously ashamed of them. You will either get dumped as soon as she finds out or it will eat away all her confidence or, most likely, both.

tldr: Stay away from the BBW until you are mature and man enough to understand that people who will judge either you or your partner are meaningless to you. Nobody wants to date a closet FA because it is soul destroying, no exceptions.
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Old 05-12-2013, 07:37 AM   #3
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Hey Musicman560.....My advise to you would be stop worrying about making
everyone else happy and make yourself and your girlfriend happy.
To focus on what other people think about you and her is a waste of time.
life is to short to be unhappy.This is where you have to man up and believe in your self. Who cares what other people think.That's there problem not yours.
People who you call friends...If they are your friends they will accept your choices in life and not judge you or anyone your with.If they do they are not your friends.
As for your family..... they to will have to accept your choices. You can't live your life for everyone else. In the end you will be very unhappy.
I know this is not easy for you but you must believe in yourself.
I have walked in your shoes before.The only difference is that I was never in the " closet " about who I am and what I like.
I would never want to hide a person I love or care about from anyone.
You shouldn't either. It wont be fair to your partner, girlfriend or wife someday. So, until you can handle and deal with society and your family don't be involved in a relationship with someone you are going to hide out.
You have to do some soul searching and decide on what you really want in life and what will make you happiest.
Live your life for everyone else or live your life for you and be happy?
I chose to be happy.There is no compromise here.......Period !
Good luck in what ever you decide to do.
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Old 05-12-2013, 08:09 AM   #4
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I can certainly sympathize with your plight: both my parents would have preferred me to date a psychopathic junkie rather than a fat girl. Ultimately the situation comes down to your degree of independence. If you're financially dependent on your parents, you' ll have to toe the line and date whomever they choose for you. If you're self-supporting, you couldn't do better than follow the excellent advice offered by loopy and dansinfool. As to getting flack from your friends ... well, friends come and go. And anyone who doesn't respect you enough to accept your preferences and be courteous to your lady isn't your friend and needs to go ... right away.
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Old 05-12-2013, 09:12 AM   #5
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I can empathize with your situation. I have always preferred fat women. But when I was a young man I bowed to perceived peer pressures and kept my preference hidden. I placed a great deal of importance on what people thought of me. Over the years I've grown a lot more comfortable with myself and figured out that 'peer pressures' are mostly self-imposed.

Today I have no problem showing or telling anyone that I prefer fat women. Anyone who thinks less of me as a result isn't worth worrying about and never was. Great advice from others who responded to your thread! Best of luck to you and your gf.
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Old 05-12-2013, 05:55 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by loopytheone View Post
Okay, first off I can totally empathise with the whole family issue. I am with a gorgeous BHM of around 400lbs and all my mother can talk about is his size. Which I find deeply annoying but at the end of the day it is her with the problem and her insecurities that lead her to this behaviour so I feel sorry for her more than anything.

That said, you can not stay a closeted FA and expect to ever have a successful relationship with a larger woman. You just can't. I don't mean to be cruel but that is a fact. Put yourself in a BBW's shoes and imagine how that feels. You have to deal with the stupid opinions of strangers, societies huge emphasis on being slim to be pretty and accepted and a larger BBW is going to have to cope with things such as not fitting comfortably in seats, being unable to go to certain places like an amusement park because they don't fit on the rides etc etc. BBW are awesome and plenty of them are strong, confident ladies but they still have to deal with all this negative attention. Then imagine that you meet a young gentleman and he is a lovely man and you get close to him. Over time you realise that you have never met his parents, never met his friends. You ask to see them and you never have. He just comes up with more and more excuses as to why you can't and then you realise that he never takes you out in public places either and you realise he is ashamed of you. How would that make you feel? Nobody can live in a relationship like that, it isn't healthy at all and unless you want to ruin a ladies self esteem you will stay away from relationships until you are adult and mature enough to realise that nobody else has any say in your private and personal business. Nobody deserves the damage of going out with a person who is supposed to love and care for them but is obviously ashamed of them. You will either get dumped as soon as she finds out or it will eat away all her confidence or, most likely, both.

tldr: Stay away from the BBW until you are mature and man enough to understand that people who will judge either you or your partner are meaningless to you. Nobody wants to date a closet FA because it is soul destroying, no exceptions.

will someone please rep her for me?!? well said!
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Old 05-12-2013, 06:22 PM   #7
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I haven't posted here in a while, but your "issue" prompted me to write.

Interracial dating was considered taboo 50-60 years ago, and look at how commonplace it is today. Even during those times, there were men & women who felt strongly enough about their potential partner that they flew in the face of the bigoted parents, relatives and "friends" in an effort to find happiness.

Those who did were ahead of their time. So are you. Go for it, and you'll be considered one of the pioneers in FA dom.


Also, if this girl is really special, your parents will end up liking her anyway. They all play a tough game, and then will act all nice to her face when she's around you. Cute girls are cute girls, and she'll likely win them over anyway. Plus, your good friends won't give a damn who you date, as long as you're happy, and the ones who give you grief aren't worth having as friends anyway.
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Old 05-12-2013, 11:27 PM   #8
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Thank you all for the replies. Normally I don't post on the forums but this has been troubling me for the last week. I have no problem hanging out with bbw's out in public its mainly the whole family issue thats killing me cause they didn't like my "bbw" girlfriend and now I might start seeing someone I would consider to be a "ssbbw." I see what I have to do now but I'm sure it won't be easy. Just got to man up when the time is right. Once again thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it.
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Old 05-13-2013, 06:37 AM   #9
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One tip: don't show your parents a picture of her. If you have to talk about her before they meet her, just mention that she is great, you have a great time with her, and all her other good qualities (especially anything that shows her generally being successful at the game of life)....and emphasize again how happy you are to be dating her.

Eventually they'll meet her, and no doubt be in shock about her size, but 1) Hopefully they won't be rude enough to say anything to her face, and 2) they will have heard good things about her first, so hopefully they'll be able to see some of those qualities, and not just the fat.

(basically use the halo effect: that when we know something good about someone, we tend to see other good things in them.)

I'm sure you will still get grief from them, but might as well choose the battlefield to be as favourable to you as you can.
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Old 05-13-2013, 10:13 AM   #10
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will someone please rep her for me?!? well said!

Done fat9276... I put in a rep for you
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Old 05-14-2013, 01:37 AM   #11
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And of course, if, in the long and short of things, your family/friends insist on being willfully opinionated and vocal about it, you can always play the "complete dick" card.

Essentially, ask them, as maliciously as you'd like, how much they like seeing you. And whether or not they'd be willing to lose that if they can't at least be civil towards your S/O.

(I fully expect to have to do this if I ever wind up dating someone who is more than "plump", as my mom is a bit of a fat-phobe, and her mother is very bad about being passive-aggressive, and also applying her views to others whether or not they share those views.)
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Old 05-14-2013, 02:16 PM   #12
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And of course, if, in the long and short of things, your family/friends insist on being willfully opinionated and vocal about it, you can always play the "complete dick" card.

Essentially, ask them, as maliciously as you'd like, how much they like seeing you. And whether or not they'd be willing to lose that if they can't at least be civil towards your S/O.
I like this comment, and I want to encourage men to take the hard line where their futures are concerned. The whole point of a relationship with a woman - one you could see a long-term romance with - is that no one else is invited into the bedroom but you two. I use that as a figure of speech to say that in the end, you will be the one sleeping next to her and waking up next to her every morning. You don't need to necessarily turn this into a war back at your family, but you need to make it clear that you don't compromise your future and your happiness for others. You need to stand by your integrity and stand by your woman, because in the end, everyone (including the judgy people in your life) will respect you more for it. Some may deep-fry it in resentment, but they ultimately will know the kind of man you are.

And it's true what the women on this thread have said, that if you intend to involve her in your life, you do need to be 100% with her and be the man she'll want you to be. You can't half-ass it where a woman's heart is concerned. EVER.
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Old 05-15-2013, 04:58 AM   #13
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Just go for it. It doesn't matter what others think. She's fat, she turns you on. So what's it too them? If she's wonderful the make her a FULL part of you life. None of that closet shit.

Keep calm and love big girls. They are the absolute best and will rock your world.

Good luck!
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Old 05-15-2013, 04:24 PM   #14
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Turn the tables - how would YOU feel if someone was embarrassed to be seen with you? Doesn't feel so good, does it? If you are not man/woman enough to stand behind your convictions then leave the person alone and find someone who you think is more "socially acceptable".
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:01 PM   #15
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Thx again for the comments. Im definitely gonna follow the no picture advise and just say good things. I met up with her a couple times this week and i can say that im definitely falling for her. After reading all these comments (and meeting her a few times) im feeling a lot more confident about this.
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:16 PM   #16
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just wanted to say good luck. and come on in...the water's fine.
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Old 05-21-2013, 03:01 PM   #17
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i know how that is. its a guilty pleasure but ive noticed the larger the woman, the more i am attracted.

i was able to inch myself into my friends with this preference. they know i like "chubby" girls, or the word i use around them is thicker, and they aren't critical of it. but God help me if they ever find my search history on my comp. some of those women are a grade or 2 higher than chubby haha
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Old 05-25-2013, 08:01 AM   #18
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.... I can't stop imagining what friends and family would say if they ever meet her. ...
Don't let other people control your thoughts or life. And you should realize, fat admiration is a lifelong preference. You cannot change it.
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Old 05-25-2013, 11:28 AM   #19
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I can relate to the feelings,,ill be honest I feel ashamed of the fact that the thoughts cross my mind,, don't get me wrong , I'm not ashamed to be seen wwith her anywhere , I do think , what will the family think ,I know they won't treat her badly there are big girlss in my fam,no one is really skinny, and we are very mixed racially,,I just wonder if on the inside threy will have there jokes because I'm so skinny (125lbs ) and she's about 220ish?( don't know exactly,once she went over 200 she won't step on a scale)
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Old 05-25-2013, 11:42 PM   #20
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Don't let other people control your thoughts or life. And you should realize, fat admiration is a lifelong preference. You cannot change it.
The bolded part is the most important lesson you'll ever learn. If you try to conform to what others think you should be, you'll be miserable your whole life. Be yourself. Like what you like. If anyone tries to shame you, tell them to f- off. That includes family.
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Old 05-26-2013, 09:56 AM   #21
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The bolded part is the most important lesson you'll ever learn. If you try to conform to what others think you should be, you'll be miserable your whole life. Be yourself. Like what you like. If anyone tries to shame you, tell them to f- off. That includes family.
"To thine own self be true". . Some of the best words ever written. It's pretty much what personal life boils down to. . I took a bit of flak from some friends and family because of my wife's weight. . Not much, I told it like it was, and from then on. . everything was copacetic, more or less. . Those that could dealt with us did, those that couldn't. . Well that's how it goes. .
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Old 05-31-2013, 12:38 AM   #22
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If anything is said about my man being large the reply will be a 'well DUH' I think I have been lucky so far no silly comments but I have a tendency to blank things that I don't want to hear! Sure I have heard the 'oh so you like big guys then' Well DUH!
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Old 06-05-2013, 09:17 PM   #23
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Quote:
Don't let other people control your thoughts or life. And you should realize, fat admiration is a lifelong preference. You cannot change it.
Thx again peeps! Not gonna let what ppl think keep me away from this amazing person i met!
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Old 06-24-2013, 10:11 PM   #24
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Alright, so i'm wondering if you guys can give me a bit more help. How do you guys deal with "going out?" I want to treat her like a regular size girl but I'm starting to see some issues. Like when we go to the movies, she can't fit in the seats unless the arm can go up. So now i know we always have to go to a theater with arms that can go up. But what about other situations? I don't have any other in mind other then restaurant booths, cause I haven't encountered them yet but I guess you can say I want to be prepared for them. I don't want to put her in a position where she would be uncomfortable.
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Old 06-24-2013, 10:25 PM   #25
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Pre-plan. If possible, check places out before you suggest them. Ensure there are comfortable seats, and if you're going to be doing some walking ensure there are places for her to stop and rest should she need to. Try to look at those places from her perspective. Or, even better, if you have any BBW acquaintances in your area, check with them to see if they know any fat-friendly places. Most importantly, when you're out with her, try to be aware of her comfort and ask lightly but caringly if she's comfortable if she looks like she might not be. And most of all don't trot out "I came here beforehand and scoped this place out to make sure the chairs would fit your ass." lol! If she's not into the BBW scene and doesn't know places like this and ideas like this exist, she might be way more embarrassed by that than happy.
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-Rosebud- Like a cunnilingus sunrise
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