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Old 05-19-2013, 04:14 PM   #1
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i found this great article on dating called "How to date a fat girl". i thought it would be very helpful for guys still having a bit of trouble trying to find someone. do you agree with her points or do you disagree?


How To (Respectfully) Date A Fat Girl
January 25, 2013 | by Amber Kosarick

http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/01/...-a-fat-girl-2/


excerpt:


I’ve thankfully been in a relationship for over two years now – I say thankfully, because it’s tough out there (well, that and I’m very much in love with my boyfriend!)
The more I talk to my friends, the more I realize that men have no idea how to talk to fat girls.
So I figured I’d create a handy how-to list, which will hopefully be helpful to those ready to pop on out of the fat closet, or who already have but aren’t having much success.
This is written in a pretty heteronormative manner, which I apologize for, but the experiences I’m most familiar with are men trying to chase women here.
This is loosely based on my own experiences as well as the experiences and suggestions of many girls I’ve talked to. Do you have more suggestions? Feel free to comment!

1. DON’T mention her weight.

Mentioning this first because it’s SUPER important, and it’s the first thing guys tend to mess up on.
Look, as much as I’m a body positivity advocate, as much as I call myself fat, as much as I realize that attraction is important and some people are attracted to fat bodies (which is totally cool!) weight is just something you shouldn’t mention to anyone in a first conversation, fat or thin.
I’ve seen so many opening lines, especially on dating sites, along the lines of
‘You’re cute, I love bbws.’
‘I’m a chubby chaser.’
‘I’ve always been attracted to bigger girls.’
Here’s the thing. You don’t need to say any of that stuff.
Really.
It makes us feel like you’re talking to us JUST for our body. Especially on a dating site.
You don’t need to have the username ‘bbwlover2012′, you don’t need to talk in your profile about how you’re looking for a fat girl, or how you define yourself as a chubby chaser*.
You probably think that it’ll make fat girls more likely to contact you first, but honestly it’s hurting your cause more than anything.
It makes you sound like all you care about is our bodies, that’s the most important part to you.
Bad idea. So during a first conversation, again, you don’t have to qualify why you’re talking to her. You don’t have to state that you’re attracted to larger bodies.
Guess what? You talking to a fat girl, showing interest, says all we need to know, without words! You wouldn’t message a thin girl and say ‘I think you’re hot, I’m really attracted to skinny girls’, would you? (I hope not.)
I don’t want to speak for all fat chicks, but we’re looking for something pretty specific. Not someone who likes us because of our body, not someone who likes us in spite of our body. Just someone who likes us. All of us.
So if you see a fat chick you’re interested in, try to find some common ground and base conversation starters on that. You both love Lord of the Rings? Excellent! You’re both into the same band? Great! Look at that, you’ve found a conversation opening!
*(Note, saying things like ‘real women have curves’, ‘only dogs like bones’, ‘skinny girls are gross’ are horrible things to say. You are more than welcome to have your preferences, but putting down other body types or other people’s preferences is NOT okay. And it doesn’t win you any points.)

2. Fat girls are girls too.


It may seem silly to mention, but it actually is important. Fat girls aren’t magical, mystical creatures. There’s no special way you need to talk to them, no different procedure, here. I get that question from time to time. ‘How do I approach a fat girl?’ Just like ANY other girl!
We’re real people with real personalities and feelings. Just talk to us. We’ll appreciate it. Trust me. As fat girls, we spend a lot of our lives being treated differently–and it’s usually not in a good way.
We’re not looking for you to make up for it. We’re just looking for you to get it and not do more of the same!
As much as it may seem counterintuitive since I’m writing a whole post on how to date a fat girl, but a lot of this can be boiled down to this simple statement: date a fat girl the same way you’d date any other girl."
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Last edited by superodalisque; 05-19-2013 at 04:19 PM.
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Old 05-22-2013, 11:26 AM   #2
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And what should an FA answer if the fat girl asks him: Why do want a fat chick?

Interested in beautiful mind only?
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Old 05-22-2013, 11:34 AM   #3
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I think the woman just helped the FA out with that question alone. LOL!

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And what should an FA answer if the fat girl asks him: Why do want a fat chick?

Interested in beautiful mind only?
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Old 05-22-2013, 03:09 PM   #4
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And what should an FA answer if the fat girl asks him: Why do want a fat chick?

Interested in beautiful mind only?
If you do it right, the question isn't apt to get asked that way, and if it does you don't answer it that way.....the point is that you are attracted to HER, you leave all other women, of whatever size, out of it. You shouldn't be dating her because she is some random fat female body, but because there is something special about her.
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Old 05-22-2013, 05:59 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Blockierer View Post
And what should an FA answer if the fat girl asks him: Why do want a fat chick?

Interested in beautiful mind only?
honestly if i was an FA and some girl asked me that i might run in the other direction
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Old 05-22-2013, 06:00 PM   #6
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If you do it right, the question isn't apt to get asked that way, and if it does you don't answer it that way.....the point is that you are attracted to HER, you leave all other women, of whatever size, out of it. You shouldn't be dating her because she is some random fat female body, but because there is something special about her.
yes definitely. she should not feel the need.
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Old 05-22-2013, 06:26 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Blockierer View Post
And what should an FA answer if the fat girl asks him: Why do want a fat chick?

Interested in beautiful mind only?
Suggested answers:

1) Because fat chicks can be fuckin HOT!


2) Hell no! A beautiful mind is great -- we'll get to that later -- tonight I'm interest in your body.
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Old 06-03-2013, 10:05 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by bigmac View Post
Suggested answers:

1) Because fat chicks can be fuckin HOT!


2) Hell no! A beautiful mind is great -- we'll get to that later -- tonight I'm interest in your body.
lol most women most guys really want to be with would leave and never be seen again by a guy who actually said that.
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Old 06-04-2013, 02:43 AM   #9
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lol most women most guys really want to be with would leave and never be seen again by a guy who actually said that.
I was thinking that! xD
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Old 06-04-2013, 07:22 PM   #10
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lol most women most guys really want to be with would leave and never be seen again by a guy who actually said that.
Timing and context are everything! I believe that sexual compatibility is the cornerstone of any successful romantic relationship. Without good sex you're just friends. For me sexual banter is an essential part of a good sexual relationship -- if there isn't at least some sexually charged communication by the end of the first date the relationship is doomed.

Far too many women don't date guys -- they audition/interview/interrogate guys. The normal reaction (or at least mine was)to this treatment is to run for the hills.

Initial dates should be to see if you enjoy being intimate with a person. If there's no chemistry you can politely go your separate ways. If there is you can either enjoy a physical relationship or, if you choose, you can escalate the relationship by seeing if the compatibility extends past the merely physical.

IMHO many people date backwards. They waste time, money, and effort on relationships which unravel when the lack of sexual compatibility is ultimately and belatedly discovered.
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Old 06-04-2013, 07:40 PM   #11
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Timing and context are everything! I believe that sexual compatibility is the cornerstone of any successful romantic relationship. Without good sex you're just friends. For me sexual banter is an essential part of a good sexual relationship -- if there isn't at least some sexually charged communication by the end of the first date the relationship is doomed.

Far too many women don't date guys -- they audition/interview/interrogate guys. The normal reaction (or at least mine was)to this treatment is to run for the hills.

Initial dates should be to see if you enjoy being intimate with a person. If there's no chemistry you can politely go your separate ways. If there is you can either enjoy a physical relationship or, if you choose, you can escalate the relationship by seeing if the compatibility extends past the merely physical.

IMHO many people date backwards. They waste time, money, and effort on relationships which unravel when the lack of sexual compatibility is ultimately and belatedly discovered.

nope, if you're just beginning to date someone it's rude. the only women who'll accept it are the ones who think that's all they have of interest to anyone. sexual banter comes a little later when you know someone a bit. otherwise it's too intrusive. people need to decide whether they like you at all before they start thinking about sleeping with you. there is nothing worse than someone you absolutely do not like trying to get into your pants conversationally. it's worse still if they actually get into your pants and you find out later how disgusting they really are as a person. a lot of people will say it's alright to be sexual early but in practice it only works with people who have issues already. that kind of aggressive talk is for when you're with an escort or prostitute and you're trying to decide if and how you want to "F" her. that's not exactly what actual dating is all about. and dating a woman to find her fuckabilty quotient is not respecting her and one way or another you'll pay for that lack of respect eventually in your relationship if it gets that far. if the first thing that enters your mind is that dating might be wasting money that is a big sign that she definitely is not the one for you.

if you really are interested in dating someone rather than just getting laid, in the very beginning you need to treat her like you'd want your mother or your sister to be treated--assuming that you like them. the problem with most relationships now is that we rush things and don't take the time to really learn to like each other first. we don't build a basis of emotional trust and security. at least some sexual attraction is already there if you asked someone on a date and they said yes. don't ruin it by being rude or overly sexually aggressive. like a lot of women say most guys are perfectly fine with them until they start talking and kill it for them by being crass and unfeeling. no matter what people want you to believe we aren't just men with boobs and vaginas. be sure what you say is appropriate for the amount of time you've known a person. but then again i'm only a woman. what do i know? besides anticipation and at least a little mystery is sexy.
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Old 06-04-2013, 09:23 PM   #12
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Obviously we have very different ideas when it comes to sex. That's fine. However, you made some very disparaging comments that I think need to be addressed.



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nope, if you're just beginning to date someone it's rude. the only women who'll accept it are the ones who think that's all they have of interest to anyone. ...
To suggest that only women with low self-esteem "accept" sexual banter is absurd. Its been my experience that its women who have the most to offer who enjoy sexual banter the most -- indeed they're the one's who instigate it.


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... there is nothing worse than someone you absolutely do not like trying to get into your pants conversationally. it's worse still if they actually get into your pants and you find out later how disgusting they really are as a person.
...

The above illustrates just how different our views of sex are. I've haven't "tried to get inside a woman's pants" since high school. Every woman I've had sex with since has been the one who initiated sex. Women are sexual creatures too. Guys make themselves available and women decide if its going to happen or not. If a woman decides 'not' more than a few times its time to move on.

If you have coerce a woman into sex the relationship is dysfunctional from the start.


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... a lot of people will say it's alright to be sexual early but in practice it only works with people who have issues already. that kind of aggressive talk is for when you're with an escort or prostitute ...
Really? Your comparing women who are forward sexually with prostitutes? If feminism means anything its the ability of women to control their own sexuality without fear of condemnation.

I really wouldn't know how one talks to a prostitute since I've never used one.



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... and you're trying to decide if and how you want to "F" her. that's not exactly what actual dating is all about. and dating a woman to find her fuckabilty quotient is not respecting her and one way or another you'll pay for that lack of respect eventually in your relationship if it gets that far. ...
You've got it backwards. Its almost always the woman who decides if she wants to have sex -- not the guy.

I really don't understand this "respect" thing -- whether or not we did it has absolutely no baring or relevance regarding whether or not I respect a woman.

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... if the first thing that enters your mind is that dating might be wasting money that is a big sign that she definitely is not the one for you. ..

Sorry but dating and ultimately marriage have major economic components. I didn't have enough money to waste. My old 1987 Ford 150 POS was a great help -- if a woman had a truly negative reaction I could quickly cross her off the list. The first time my wife got into my truck (on the second half of our first date) she smiled and said "cool a bench seat" as she slid over to open my door (no power locks). She snuggled all the way to the Motel 6.



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... if you really are interested in dating someone rather than just getting laid, in the very beginning you need to treat her like you'd want your mother or your sister to be treated--assuming that you like them. ...
Don't have any sisters and I love my mom. However, the last thing I'm ever going to do is treat a date like my mom!

I'm pretty sure most women wouldn't want to be treated like their date's mother.

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... the problem with most relationships now is that we rush things and don't take the time to really learn to like each other first. we don't build a basis of emotional trust and security. at least some sexual attraction is already there if you asked someone on a date and they said yes. don't ruin it by being rude or overly sexually aggressive. ...
You don't need to understand a person on a deep level to have a bit of fun. If you enjoy each other's company you can deepen the relationship. In bed in the afternoon after sex is a great time and place to talk and get to know one another.

And again who said anything about being sexually aggressive? Women like sex too. And at least some of them are not shy about going for it.

My wife says she decided to have sex with me while she watched me straighten my shirt and comb my hair in the parking lot before I knocked on the door for our first date. I didn't have to be aggressive -- I just needed to not screw up -- apparently I didn't.

If I was at home tonight rather than away for work I wouldn't of had time to waste here.

Last edited by bigmac; 06-04-2013 at 09:34 PM.
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Old 06-04-2013, 09:27 PM   #13
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Not so sure about that, SuperO. I tend to talk shecksul talk to see if the guy can handle being caught off guard ie, disarmed, and it has nothing to do with insecurity on my part. I'm empowered, trust me, lol.

But then again, that's me being the aggressor, and not them. If I like a guy and he's smooth but not too slick.....it's a slippery slope but some manage it well and I like them. I'm done with 'socially awkward'. Everyone else can have them.
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Old 06-04-2013, 09:47 PM   #14
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Not so sure about that, SuperO. I tend to talk shecksul talk to see if the guy can handle being caught off guard ie, disarmed, and it has nothing to do with insecurity on my part. I'm empowered, trust me, lol.

But then again, that's me being the aggressor, and not them. If I like a guy and he's smooth but not too slick.....it's a slippery slope but some manage it well and I like them. I'm done with 'socially awkward'. Everyone else can have them.
Yes, its much easier to just let the woman be the "aggressor."
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Old 06-04-2013, 09:56 PM   #15
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I was in an abusive marriage where any and all affection was withheld and that withholding was used as a weapon, for the better part of a decade. Sex is important to me, so while it doesn't normally come up in the first conversation (but may) it comes up pretty early on. It is a matter of compatibility to me because I have a very high libido. No matter how nice or attractive or successful he is, if he has a low libido, it's going to be a disaster. I'm saving both of us a lot of trouble. I don't behave like a maneater. I just get to the point. The type of man I like appreciates this. If he doesn't, we just saved ourselves a lot of time.

Recently, I met someone who had a very similar situation in his marriage (also a decade) and interestingly, we began talking about sex first, likely due to priorities and anxieties. Now we talk about everything else and know each other intimately in non-sexual ways. We even have entire conversations in which sex never comes up. lol

In our case, and I'm sure in many others, we needed to get that ground covered first.
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Old 06-04-2013, 10:12 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by CastingPearls View Post

... Sex is important to me, so while it doesn't normally come up in the first conversation (but may) it comes up pretty early on. It is a matter of compatibility to me because I have a very high libido. No matter how nice or attractive or successful he is, if he has a low libido, it's going to be a disaster. I'm saving both of us a lot of trouble. I don't behave like a maneater. I just get to the point. The type of man I like appreciates this. If he doesn't, we just saved ourselves a lot of time.

... needed to get that ground covered first.
Understand totally. This thread has brought long repressed memories of freshman psychology to the surface. One cannot achieve the self-actualization that comes with an intense emotional and intellectual relationship without first satisfying more base sexual needs.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow'...archy_of_needs
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Old 06-05-2013, 08:48 AM   #17
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I tend to be attracted to older men and I like to know they still can get it going. So, I vote innocent flirts/borderline perverted talk just to get to know him. I'm not going to blow him on the first date lol
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Old 06-05-2013, 10:32 AM   #18
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I was in an abusive marriage where any and all affection was withheld and that withholding was used as a weapon, for the better part of a decade. Sex is important to me, so while it doesn't normally come up in the first conversation (but may) it comes up pretty early on. It is a matter of compatibility to me because I have a very high libido. No matter how nice or attractive or successful he is, if he has a low libido, it's going to be a disaster. I'm saving both of us a lot of trouble. I don't behave like a maneater. I just get to the point. The type of man I like appreciates this. If he doesn't, we just saved ourselves a lot of time.

Recently, I met someone who had a very similar situation in his marriage (also a decade) and interestingly, we began talking about sex first, likely due to priorities and anxieties. Now we talk about everything else and know each other intimately in non-sexual ways. We even have entire conversations in which sex never comes up. lol

In our case, and I'm sure in many others, we needed to get that ground covered first.
this makes a lot of sense to me. i have a similar take on it. i find that people tend to talk a lot about sex because they are afraid of being initmate. in terms of pop culture sex is no longer intimate. it's everywhere shoved in everyone's face anyway. it's public and commercial and often trivial. intimacy scares the crap out of people so they talk about sex because that is where they feel safe. and that is why people often confuse hooking up with dating. dating is about growing intimacy and not about just hooking up. and this is why people really don't gednerally date anymore--because they really don't feel comfortable with it or even know how to do it.
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Old 06-05-2013, 10:34 AM   #19
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no matter what people want you to believe we aren't just men with boobs and vaginas.

Amen to that! The thought of guys with boobs and vaginas is just a little too creepy for me. Especially since most of my fellow guys otherwise don't have the body, face or relationship with personal hygene to really carry off being a woman even if they had the parts.
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Old 06-05-2013, 05:25 PM   #20
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this makes a lot of sense to me. i have a similar take on it. i find that people tend to talk a lot about sex because they are afraid of being initmate. in terms of pop culture sex is no longer intimate. it's everywhere shoved in everyone's face anyway. it's public and commercial and often trivial. intimacy scares the crap out of people so they talk about sex because that is where they feel safe. and that is why people often confuse hooking up with dating. dating is about growing intimacy and not about just hooking up. and this is why people really don't gednerally date anymore--because they really don't feel comfortable with it or even know how to do it.
I really don't understand this aversion to sex. Sex is a fundamental part of an intimate relationship. Indeed without sex there cannot be a true intimate relationship -- as I said before -- without sex you're just friends.

"Hooking up" is an essential first step toward intimacy. Its been my experience that if there's no "hooking up" by the third or fourth date the relationship is doomed.
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Old 06-05-2013, 05:32 PM   #21
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i decided to put my responses near your statements in blue

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Obviously we have very different ideas when it comes to sex. That's fine. However, you made some very disparaging comments that I think need to be addressed.





To suggest that only women with low self-esteem "accept" sexual banter is absurd. Its been my experience that its women who have the most to offer who enjoy sexual banter the most -- indeed they're the one's who instigate it.

that's not what i said. i said women who accept it right of the bat with someone they're just starting to date have issues. sexual banter is fine but if that's the first card they play there is a problem there.


The above illustrates just how different our views of sex are. I've haven't "tried to get inside a woman's pants" since high school. Every woman I've had sex with since has been the one who initiated sex. Women are sexual creatures too. Guys make themselves available and women decide if its going to happen or not. If a woman decides 'not' more than a few times its time to move on.

those might be the women you personally attract -- those are not all women. the others might not want to be bothered with a guy not putting forth much effort. also the difference is you're talking about sex and i'm talking about dating.

If you have coerce a woman into sex the relationship is dysfunctional from the start.

treating a woman nicely and with respect is not coercion.


Really? Your comparing women who are forward sexually with prostitutes? If feminism means anything its the ability of women to control their own sexuality without fear of condemnation.

i said absolutely nothing about women who are forward being prostitutes what i did say is that men who get sexual right away with women are treating them as they would a prostitute.


I really wouldn't know how one talks to a prostitute since I've never used one.

no i doubt you'd want to pay when you can find someone you can get to do the same for free

You've got it backwards. Its almost always the woman who decides if she wants to have sex -- not the guy.

where did i say anything about who decides to have sex. i was talking about treating a woman with respect. hopefully those decisions are actually mutual.

I really don't understand this "respect" thing -- whether or not we did it has absolutely no baring or relevance regarding whether or not I respect a woman.

scary! that says it all. you're right that "doing it "has no bearing or relevance on whether a man respects a woman or not. a lot of people would do remembering that. some people imbue sex with some kind of power it doesn't have. you're better off figuring out if he respects your right to have differing ideas or whether or not he cares about your feelings at all.

but dating and ultimately marriage have major economic components. I didn't have enough money to waste. My old 1987 Ford 150 POS was a great help -- if a woman had a truly negative reaction I could quickly cross her off the list. The first time my wife got into my truck (on the second half of our first date) she smiled and said "cool a bench seat" as she slid over to open my door (no power locks). She snuggled all the way to the Motel 6.

what does stuff have to do with treating a woman with respect? a guy doesn't have to spend one penny to treat a woman decently.


Don't have any sisters and I love my mom. However, the last thing I'm ever going to do is treat a date like my mom!

i should have said to treat her how you'd want your mom to be treated if someone were dating her. hopefully you are respectful toward your mom anyway or at last would like her to be respected if she were dating.


I'm pretty sure most women wouldn't want to be treated like their date's mother.

they'd want to be treated like a man's Mom on a date with someone whose behavior he approved of i'm sure. you know perfectly well i was not saying to treat her like a "Mom".



You don't need to understand a person on a deep level to have a bit of fun. If you enjoy each other's company you can deepen the relationship. In bed in the afternoon after sex is a great time and place to talk and get to know one another.

we weren't talking about just "a bit of fun" we were talking about actual dating -- BKA courtship. a bit of fun can be had with just about anyone. i'm talking about something more special.

And again who said anything about being sexually aggressive? Women like sex too. And at least some of them are not shy about going for it.

being sexually aggressive is fine when both parties want it but if you've just started dating someone being too aggressive on the first date isn't smart. it's easy to misread intentions etc...which is why lots of people who have immediate one offs do end up hating each other and having lots of unnecessary drama --because no one took the time to figure out if they were actually on the same page. it can also just plain old creep some people out. some people are aggressive and out front right away and some people do things gradually. you at least need enough time to figure out which is which.

My wife says she decided to have sex with me while she watched me straighten my shirt and comb my hair in the parking lot before I knocked on the door for our first date. I didn't have to be aggressive -- I just needed to not screw up -- apparently I didn't.

some guys screw up big time with women. but then as you said you aren't the aggressive type so no chance of that right?

If I was at home tonight rather than away for work I wouldn't of had time to waste here.
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Old 06-05-2013, 05:46 PM   #22
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hmmm... is it any better for a man to "wine and dine" a woman to get to the sex than to just be up front about it from the get go?

American men I think are especially taught this. Treat her like a lady to get what you really want from her.

You have other countries and cultures that will just be like "want to have sex"? No beating around the bush.

It doesn't mean the men OR women have ISSUES.
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Old 06-05-2013, 06:02 PM   #23
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hmmm... is it any better for a man to "wine and dine" a woman to get to the sex than to just be up front about it from the get go?

American men I think are especially taught this. Treat her like a lady to get what you really want from her.

You have other countries and cultures that will just be like "want to have sex"? No beating around the bush.

It doesn't mean the men OR women have ISSUES.

Being raised in a very traditionally European family it's hard for me to relate to the "wine and dine" - dedicating time and money and effort - unless you are going to commit to a long-term, serious courtship. I drove 130 miles to a beautiful young lady's college to declare my affection for her and we've been together for almost three years now. You do what needs to be done to let her know it's at least as important to you as it is to her. So I definitely agree, walking into it and two people agreeing that they are in it for some fun... there's nothing disrespectful about it.
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Old 06-05-2013, 06:02 PM   #24
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I really don't understand this aversion to sex. Sex is a fundamental part of an intimate relationship. Indeed without sex there cannot be a true intimate relationship -- as I said before -- without sex you're just friends.

"Hooking up" is an essential first step toward intimacy. Its been my experience that if there's no "hooking up" by the third or fourth date the relationship is doomed.
nope. hooking up statistically doesn't lead much of anywhere and most people don't actually do that much hooking up anyway. people are having a whole lot less sex than pop culture would lead people to believe. even most kids on college campuses hardly hook up once a year.

there is no aversion to sex in respecting women is there? are you saying it has to be one or the other?
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Old 06-05-2013, 06:12 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by fat9276 View Post
hmmm... is it any better for a man to "wine and dine" a woman to get to the sex than to just be up front about it from the get go?

American men I think are especially taught this. Treat her like a lady to get what you really want from her.

You have other countries and cultures that will just be like "want to have sex"? No beating around the bush.

It doesn't mean the men OR women have ISSUES.
it's nice when some things in life aren't treated as trivial and mundane. life is short. it's fun to make some magic where we can. we all like sex but sex isn't all there is to it. you can only do it so many ways. courtship dating etc... is like art you create together. it's something to remember. art isn't necessary either but doesn't it make things beautiful to look at and stunning to listen too. it's the thing that keeps the spark going that a lot of people tend to lose. making everything ho hum and matter of a fact even from the very beginning won't help people to keep things exciting.
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