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Old 06-03-2013, 04:27 AM   #1
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Default Repressing fetishes

First off, sorry if this is the wrong thread for this but I couldn't think of a better one. My partner is a SSBHM if that helps!

Okay, on to what I actually wanted to say. My partner has always had a fetish for inflation in all forms ever since he was young and I have made it clear to him that whilst I don't share this fetish I don't mind in the slightest and he has written and posted several inflation stories featuring ourselves and is a somewhat popular inflation author.

Recently though a lady asked him to rp inflation with her and although he said no it was so tempting to him that he has decided to 'give up' inflation and 'cure himself' of it so that he wont ever be tempted to rp it with anybody or anything like that (as we both feel that constitutes cheating).

Now, I have told him several times not to do this and that it wont work and will only make him ill or feel resentful towards me but he is insistent that this is what he wants to do and has deleted his old inflation writing account and started a new account without telling any of his fans and has posted nothing relating to inflation at all or even mentioned it.

So I guess my question is, what should I do? He wont listen to reason but I don't think it is possible to 'get over' a fetish like that and I hate him hurting himself over something so trivial. Advice, please?
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Old 06-03-2013, 06:17 AM   #2
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I would suggest that, at the least, he does some research (and pays attention to the nature of the sites that come up). I don't know if some people do get over fetishes, but I know that no amount of repression ever made me less of an FA. Rather what would happen was that it would sort of 'leak out around the edges,' colouring my perceptions and actions when I wasn't paying attention to repressing it.

Over all, I've found it better to acknowledge and accept it, and find ways to indulge that side of me without it getting into parts of my life where I don't want it.
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Old 06-03-2013, 06:46 AM   #3
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I would suggest that, at the least, he does some research (and pays attention to the nature of the sites that come up). I don't know if some people do get over fetishes, but I know that no amount of repression ever made me less of an FA. Rather what would happen was that it would sort of 'leak out around the edges,' colouring my perceptions and actions when I wasn't paying attention to repressing it.

Over all, I've found it better to acknowledge and accept it, and find ways to indulge that side of me without it getting into parts of my life where I don't want it.
That is what I think as well... *sigh*

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply though, it is very much appreciated.
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Old 06-03-2013, 09:49 AM   #4
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I more or less agree with Tad. I had a similar situation not too long ago - I dated a girl who was not into WG and feederism, and since she had a history of eating disorders I really couldn't bring it up. But my own preferences and desires found there way out at different points anyway, and I found myself coming up with weird, frankly dishonest explanations for things, like trying to explain why I thought it was hot when she ate a bunch without admitting that I would like it if she gained.

All of this is to say it's better to be honest. No partner satisfies every one of your desires, and I think it's possible to be in a healthy, committed relationship while sometimes being attracted to other people who you imagine would meet some sexual need that your current partner doesn't. I think all of that is totally ok if on balance you're sexually satisfied, but obviously it's better to be out in the open about and accepting of these things. Repression never works, so I hope you and your partner can find a non-repressive way to deal with this issue. I guess my advice is something you already know: stick to your guns. Continue to make it clear in a firm but respectful way that you think this is a bad idea. The most you can do is express your opinion and hope he ultimately agrees.
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Old 06-03-2013, 01:13 PM   #5
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Thank you both for your advice!

I had a heart to heart with my partner and explained to him that I love everything about him, including his fetish and that he doesn't have to change because he is in a relationship with me, which is pretty much what it came down to I think. He agreed to this and although he is being a lot more wary about talking to people about it again he is uploading his stories to his new account and watching other inflation writers/artists again and I am so glad that he was able to be convinced by my honesty.

Thanks again for all the advice! <3
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Old 06-03-2013, 01:38 PM   #6
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Looks like the issue is getting resolved, three cheers for clear, open communication!

On the broader subject of repressing fetishes, I'd like to say I personally uphold the belief that everyone - that's right, everyone - has a fetish. Yes, seriously. I've explored this in discussion with dozens of people over the years and I find it true with every single person, that they have some non-sexual act, image, or idea that they derive a lot of pleasure from. Many times, it's experienced subliminally ... like someone who finds pleasure in erotic asphyxiation but all they consciously acknowledge is that they like to pleasure their partner from underneath all the time. Sometimes fetishes take the form of strange fantasies because there is something deeper within the fantasy, and not just the literal fantasy actualized, that gives satisfaction. But I'm beginning to digress more toward the fantasy/actualization subject.

The point is that I believe that there is fetishism, consciously or unconsciously, in all things sexual. I don't think the two can be separated, so I think it's impossible to "get over" a fetish. The fetish may not define us or completely define our partners (just the way an inflation fetish doesn't demand a partner who will indulge it) but fetishes are part of the unique, beautiful individuality we have as lovers and human beings.
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Old 06-03-2013, 03:33 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Extinctor100 View Post
Looks like the issue is getting resolved, three cheers for clear, open communication!

On the broader subject of repressing fetishes, I'd like to say I personally uphold the belief that everyone - that's right, everyone - has a fetish. Yes, seriously. I've explored this in discussion with dozens of people over the years and I find it true with every single person, that they have some non-sexual act, image, or idea that they derive a lot of pleasure from. Many times, it's experienced subliminally ... like someone who finds pleasure in erotic asphyxiation but all they consciously acknowledge is that they like to pleasure their partner from underneath all the time. Sometimes fetishes take the form of strange fantasies because there is something deeper within the fantasy, and not just the literal fantasy actualized, that gives satisfaction. But I'm beginning to digress more toward the fantasy/actualization subject.

The point is that I believe that there is fetishism, consciously or unconsciously, in all things sexual. I don't think the two can be separated, so I think it's impossible to "get over" a fetish. The fetish may not define us or completely define our partners (just the way an inflation fetish doesn't demand a partner who will indulge it) but fetishes are part of the unique, beautiful individuality we have as lovers and human beings.
This was a great post and again, my repper is empty! But yes, clear communication for the win!

I agree entirely with what you say about everybody having a fetish, some are more common that others but everybody has something that they like. I had never considered the subliminal level of fetishes before though, that is an interesting thought. You are definitely right with that.

And that is a beautiful way to end the post and I agree entirely. People are awesome!
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Old 06-03-2013, 09:45 PM   #8
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the truth is always the best. and no one wants the person they really care about to feel repressed.
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Old 06-03-2013, 09:52 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Extinctor100 View Post
Looks like the issue is getting resolved, three cheers for clear, open communication!

On the broader subject of repressing fetishes, I'd like to say I personally uphold the belief that everyone - that's right, everyone - has a fetish. Yes, seriously. I've explored this in discussion with dozens of people over the years and I find it true with every single person, that they have some non-sexual act, image, or idea that they derive a lot of pleasure from. Many times, it's experienced subliminally ... like someone who finds pleasure in erotic asphyxiation but all they consciously acknowledge is that they like to pleasure their partner from underneath all the time. Sometimes fetishes take the form of strange fantasies because there is something deeper within the fantasy, and not just the literal fantasy actualized, that gives satisfaction. But I'm beginning to digress more toward the fantasy/actualization subject.

The point is that I believe that there is fetishism, consciously or unconsciously, in all things sexual. I don't think the two can be separated, so I think it's impossible to "get over" a fetish. The fetish may not define us or completely define our partners (just the way an inflation fetish doesn't demand a partner who will indulge it) but fetishes are part of the unique, beautiful individuality we have as lovers and human beings.
hmmm i dunno unless affection and respect also counts as a fetish or i just haven't found mine yet. i a really able to be in the moment with who i'm with at the time. i like a lot of things but nothing would really qualify as a fetish. there is nothing that i have to have besides respect and affection to really be able to enjoy myself. i think there is a big difference between something you just enjoy and a fetish. the drive for a fetish is much stronger and probably very unhealthy to repress. i get the feeling that nothing mentioned here is a true fetish but more of an interest. generally speaking i think the word fetish is often overused or misused. it's only a fetish when you can't get off at all unless you are thinking about it or engaging in it at the time.
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Old 06-04-2013, 12:53 AM   #10
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We all have fetishes rather they be common or rare. As long as boundaries that are established aren't crossed he should feel no need to "reform" as it is. Make him see this. Encourage him to write again, don't fold. Good luck loopy!!
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Old 06-04-2013, 01:02 PM   #11
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hmmm i dunno unless affection and respect also counts as a fetish or i just haven't found mine yet. i a really able to be in the moment with who i'm with at the time. i like a lot of things but nothing would really qualify as a fetish. there is nothing that i have to have besides respect and affection to really be able to enjoy myself. i think there is a big difference between something you just enjoy and a fetish. the drive for a fetish is much stronger and probably very unhealthy to repress. i get the feeling that nothing mentioned here is a true fetish but more of an interest. generally speaking i think the word fetish is often overused or misused. it's only a fetish when you can't get off at all unless you are thinking about it or engaging in it at the time.
It's a very good point you make as far as respect and affection. Emotional intimacy, comfort, and connectedness with your partner (the respect and affection you mentioned) can actually make even the most mismatched partners' bedroom like the Fourth of July every night. It's love and appreciation for your partner much more than skin-deep that bridges the gap where maybe, purely erotically, you aren't "100% fulfilled" with them perfectly. I've been with girlfriends who weren't my "type" because I admired things about who they were, more than their bodies alone.

To further append my comment, I know very few people whose fetish is an exclusive form of sexual gratification. Only in the strictest - possibly psychological textbook - definition is a fetish a disorder that displaces normal sexual arousal and intercourse. At that point, the fetish has evolved from an interest to an obsession... similarly, the difference between someone who collects bottle caps as a hobby, and a hoarder with six tons of bottle caps filling the house wall to wall. A fetish is popularly defined as any act, image, or idea that is technically non-sexual in nature but from which one derives sexual arousal/satisfaction. So if I may, a fetish can be either an interest or an obsession. I believe everyone has one as an interest. Anything though, can be taken to an unhealthy extreme if it controls your life and negatively impacts the way you communicate affection and respect with your partner. A fetish does not always equal fixation. A little wine with your meal does not make you an alcoholic.

Deciding what place our individual fetishes have in our relationships is one of the reasons that open, clear communication is an absolute must.
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Old 06-04-2013, 02:30 PM   #12
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Fetish gets used casually to mean sexual pleasure from anything other than straight sex, but technically I think it implies that you _require_ the fetish in order to achieve sexual arousal?

So .... the difference there can cause lots of confusion. Might need to define how you are using the term.
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Old 06-04-2013, 05:34 PM   #13
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Fetish gets used casually to mean sexual pleasure from anything other than straight sex, but technically I think it implies that you _require_ the fetish in order to achieve sexual arousal?

So .... the difference there can cause lots of confusion. Might need to define how you are using the term.
Well, I was pointing out the technical "psychology textbook" definition for anyone who thought it was restricted to purely the obsessive kind.

Take me for example. I love girls with fat, soft stomachs - even just a tiny bit chubby! I do. I can get off purely to a girl's tummy. It's a fetish, by most people's familiarity - it's partialism. But just because I have a tummy fetish that can fully arouse and satisfy me, doesn't mean I now require that in order to be aroused. Lots of things have the same effect!

Maybe that example is too "partialism" for anyone reading. Maybe someone will debate that if it's a part of your partner's body, it doesn't matter if it's a non-sexual body part. So I'll use an additional example just to make sure I'm being clear.

One of my friends has a fetish for being eaten. Literally devoured: torn apart and eaten like a fresh kill. Obviously not something that can be actualized... lol not more than once anyway... Even thinking about this turns her on, or the slightest use of her boyfriend's teeth on her body during foreplay, is extremely sexual to her. When she shuts her eyes, she's imagining being literally eaten like plate of spareribs. Last I checked, being devoured is not sexual unless you're a praying mantis. It's a fetish. But she also is aroused by plenty of other things as well... the fetish isn't so all-consuming (pun) that it's the only thing that gives her pleasure.

Tu me comprends?

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Old 06-04-2013, 05:43 PM   #14
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i get your point but technically that isn't quite what true fetish is-- maybe an attraction or a focus but not a fetish. it's really interesting when you think of the idea of a religious fetish that was tied into the idea of sexual fetish early on to illustrate exactly how powerful the pull of full blown really is fetish is. i think it was right to say that your definition is more of a pop culture definition of fetish because it really underplays what some people have that is extraordinarily intense in comparison.
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Old 06-04-2013, 06:51 PM   #15
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i get your point but technically that isn't quite what true fetish is-- maybe an attraction or a focus but not a fetish. it's really interesting when you think of the idea of a religious fetish that was tied into the idea of sexual fetish early on to illustrate exactly how powerful the pull of full blown really is fetish is. i think it was right to say that your definition is more of a pop culture definition of fetish because it really underplays what some people have that is extraordinarily intense in comparison.
Perhaps. I may have embraced the "pop culture definition" more because I find it distasteful to reserve the word fetish for only the most extreme and even scariest level of fixation, when it's used very differently now. However you intend to break it up, attraction/preference/focus/fetish, it's still very important to recognize that an affinity for something unique to your own sexuality, is valid and a real part of your needs. It's not something you can wish away, or work yourself out of... nor are all such affinities (fetishes in my book ) dark, hurtful, unrealistic vices that need to be kept in the closet for the safety of yourself and others.
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Old 06-04-2013, 07:00 PM   #16
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Perhaps. I may have embraced the "pop culture definition" more because I find it distasteful to reserve the word fetish for only the most extreme and even scariest level of fixation, when it's used very differently now. However you intend to break it up, attraction/preference/focus/fetish, it's still very important to recognize that an affinity for something unique to your own sexuality, is valid and a real part of your needs. It's not something you can wish away, or work yourself out of... nor are all such affinities (fetishes in my book ) dark, hurtful, unrealistic vices that need to be kept in the closet for the safety of yourself and others.
well yes and no. does it really hurt anyone if someone is intensely attracted to shoes, vinyl, latex or feet etc... if they happen to find someone also intensely interested in the same to share it with? just as most people who claim the pop culture definition of fetish want acceptance and at least some kind of understanding and respect so do people who have a more intense fetish. a lot of them are pretty harmless even if they do seem odd. they can be emotionally hurtful but then again so can vanilla.
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Old 06-04-2013, 07:07 PM   #17
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well yes and no. does it really hurt anyone if someone is intensely attracted to shoes, vinyl, latex or feet etc... if they happen to find someone also intensely interested in the same to share it with? just as most people who claim the pop culture definition of fetish want acceptance and at least some kind of understanding and respect so do people who have a more intense fetish. a lot of them are pretty harmless even if they do seem odd. they can be emotionally hurtful but then again so can vanilla.
Well, we both know that there are some things that can hurt the health of someone else seriously, but we also know that is a different discussion. Even "two consenting adults" can get in over their heads if neither of them draws a line. Life and love are team sports, I always say!
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Old 06-04-2013, 07:21 PM   #18
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Well, we both know that there are some things that can hurt the health of someone else seriously, but we also know that is a different discussion. Even "two consenting adults" can get in over their heads if neither of them draws a line. Life and love are team sports, I always say!
definitely. irresponsible weight related sexuality is no different than people who can be irresponsible and expose lovers to STDs unwanted pregnancies or emotional pain and depression that can lead to something serious. absolutely everybody has to be careful with the people that they're intimate with and value them as people 100%.
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Old 06-24-2013, 10:36 AM   #19
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I don't think repression (certainly for FA's, from my own experiences) is possible. I think lying to yourself so much a layer of your conscience believes it/ not practicing or involving yourself with a particular lifestyle, community or fetish are possible, but when all's said and done, can anyone really change what turns them on? I would argue no. It's in my opinion a watered down version of the "conversions" that gay men are forced to go through in some small far right Christian communities (particularly in the USA), and I think that their are few people who would dispute that that's a bunch of hokum (the amount of indoctrination these poor individuals go through aside). I mean, other than a labotomy or some shit, I struggle to see how sexual preferences can be repressed, and if so, how deep and permanent that repression is. My two cents anyway.
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:23 AM   #20
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I don't think repression (certainly for FA's, from my own experiences) is possible. I think lying to yourself so much a layer of your conscience believes it/ not practicing or involving yourself with a particular lifestyle, community or fetish are possible, but when all's said and done, can anyone really change what turns them on? I would argue no. It's in my opinion a watered down version of the "conversions" that gay men are forced to go through in some small far right Christian communities (particularly in the USA), and I think that their are few people who would dispute that that's a bunch of hokum (the amount of indoctrination these poor individuals go through aside). I mean, other than a labotomy or some shit, I struggle to see how sexual preferences can be repressed, and if so, how deep and permanent that repression is. My two cents anyway.
I think I agree with everything you're saying... I think... the jab at Christianity I think left a soured taste in my mouth... haha but I understand what you mean about repressing one's sexuality and I agree. Even the situation you mentioned about far-right Christian circles indoctrinating someone to effectively repress part of their sexuality, doesn't actually change what they want. We're unique inside with our own desires, and all the coping mechanisms and behavioral modification techniques will never truly change the core of who and what a person is.

However, we all have to exercise some control over our urges and desires. There are all kinds of ways that a person's inner sexuality finds expression and satisfaction... not all of them legal or "humane" as we currently define it. It's becoming a very blurred line nowadays in how we define what is "obscene" and what is "liberated" as the definitions and boundaries of our sexuality become looser with each passing day. Our society promotes the message to "love whoever you want, however you want" but it doesn't really mean that. That's more a tagline to push political agendas through interest groups more than anything else. Homosexuality, glaringly exposed in media now, pushes to be not simply tolerated but accepted and embraced... while love for a plus-sized woman is still taboo and reviled, even by "open minds"... and bestiality and pedophilia are illegal to act on. I don't mean to invite the rebuttals from incensed people who get riled because I put homosexuality or fat preference/partialism in the same paragraph as pedophilia. Let me be clear: they are all part of human sexuality, people. It's just a fact, and a fact onto which I impose no moral connotation.

I just wanted to highlight this point: that we pick and choose which expressions of our individual sexuality are acceptable and unacceptable to gratify, for real, valid reasons. Sometimes, your faith and your sexual orientation don't see eye-to-eye. Sometimes, your marriage and your sexual fetish don't see eye-to-eye. It's a decision we all make, how long a leash we keep ourselves on and where we place our priorities in life.

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Old 06-27-2013, 02:39 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by Extinctor100 View Post
I think I agree with everything you're saying... I think... the jab at Christianity I think left a soured taste in my mouth... haha but I understand what you mean about repressing one's sexuality and I agree. Even the situation you mentioned about far-right Christian circles indoctrinating someone to effectively repress part of their sexuality, doesn't actually change what they want. We're unique inside with our own desires, and all the coping mechanisms and behavioral modification techniques will never truly change the core of who and what a person is.

However, we all have to exercise some control over our urges and desires. There are all kinds of ways that a person's inner sexuality finds expression and satisfaction... not all of them legal or "humane" as we currently define it. It's becoming a very blurred line nowadays in how we define what is "obscene" and what is "liberated" as the definitions and boundaries of our sexuality become looser with each passing day. Our society promotes the message to "love whoever you want, however you want" but it doesn't really mean that. That's more a tagline to push political agendas through interest groups more than anything else. Homosexuality, glaringly exposed in media now, pushes to be not simply tolerated but accepted and embraced... while love for a plus-sized woman is still taboo and reviled, even by "open minds"... and bestiality and pedophilia are illegal to act on. I don't mean to invite the rebuttals from incensed people who get riled because I put homosexuality or fat preference/partialism in the same paragraph as pedophilia. Let me be clear: they are all part of human sexuality, people. It's just a fact, and a fact onto which I impose no moral connotation.

I just wanted to highlight this point: that we pick and choose which expressions of our individual sexuality are acceptable and unacceptable to gratify, for real, valid reasons. Sometimes, your faith and your sexual orientation don't see eye-to-eye. Sometimes, your marriage and your sexual fetish don't see eye-to-eye. It's a decision we all make, how long a leash we keep ourselves on and where we place our priorities in life.
Cheers for the quote. And for the record I have zero problem with Christianity or any other religion, just the practices used by some people on an individual basis who use religion as a scapegoat for their own foul deeds
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Old 07-31-2013, 03:39 PM   #22
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I like getting peed on. Yeah. Yuck. Gross. But it all washes off in the shower.

I have managed to talk about half the women I proposed this to into it. Some came to really like it. But some others I wouldn't even bring it up to. Not something I have to have.
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Old 08-16-2013, 04:43 AM   #23
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Love and sexual desire for a plus size woman is misunderstood and considered unusual.

My girlfriend puts our relationship out in front of others to see their reaction when we are in public.

Many in our society do not approve or understand.
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Old 08-16-2013, 05:34 AM   #24
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I like getting peed on. Yeah. Yuck. Gross. But it all washes off in the shower.

I have managed to talk about half the women I proposed this to into it. Some came to really like it. But some others I wouldn't even bring it up to. Not something I have to have.
If it's not something you have to have then I would say that that is just something you're in to; a kink, rather than a fetish.
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Old 08-18-2013, 02:39 PM   #25
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Love and sexual desire for a plus size woman is misunderstood and considered unusual.

My girlfriend puts our relationship out in front of others to see their reaction when we are in public.

Many in our society do not approve or understand.
sounds like you all really need to meet a different kind of people. it isn't ll that odd. those people must be truly socially challenged. and respectfully, why all the emphasis on putting it in front of others to gauge what they think? it should be all about the two of you and that is all.
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