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Old 06-25-2013, 02:36 AM   #1
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Default Is it harder to come out as an FA or an FFA?

I'm curious to hear thoughts on this. As an FFA, I have only ever told one person--a significant other I trusted very much--about my preferences, and it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I think a few friends have caught on without my saying anything, though I don't think they realize the extent of my preferences. I have no idea how they'd take it if I actually talked about it explicitly, though.

What do you think?
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Old 06-25-2013, 04:12 AM   #2
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Apart from maybe confessing a die-hard SSBHM-fetish, I think FFA have the easier lot. It's socially widely accepted that a man should be bigger than a woman in a relationship - 90% of all women would probably subscribe to wanting their guy to be bigger than they are.

Even among slim, fitness oriented women you'll find many who'll openly state things like: "He's so much more relaxed when he isn't dieting, more comfortable with those 25 pounds more, so it's better for both of us." Or decided non-FFA's saying: "His belly is such a comfy love pillow." And tolerance for such views and perceptions is pretty mainstream.

The bear/teddy bear physique still meets rather broad social recognition up to a much higher weight level than is tolerated for women.

What also plays a role is that - since female sexuality often is marginalized - it's considered less of a weird sexual fetish, more of an understable comfort and security preference.

FA's - who like women above the low admissible 'curvy' threshold of dress size US12/UK16 - immediately have to fight the war on two fronts that it's
a) a despicable sexual fetish
b) counter-cultural to all norms in society.
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Old 06-25-2013, 07:00 AM   #3
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I would suggest that this is one of those areas where if you could somehow find the 'average' experience for male FA and that of female FA, there would probably be some difference between those two averages. BUT that the spread within either group would be far larger that the difference between the averages. Picture two overlaping dart boards, where the bullseye of one is inside the triple-point ring of the other.

In other words, my suspicion is that the experience will vary far more based on your family, friends, co-workers, and local micro-culture than it will on gender.

Having said that, I'd mostly agree with Agouderia, with some added distinctions on the male side of things (perhaps these distinctions apply on the female side too, but I'll let someone better qualified comment on that).

- I don't think that guys would generally get too much flack for having sex with a fat woman. Some will think it is gross, but enough would either not care, or give a kind of understanding nod--and even that first group will not generally make a huge deal about it (barring jerks, but jerks will be jerks about all sorts of things).

- Where I think guys get flack is for choosing to go out with a fat woman--or really anyone who would fall under 'Couldn't you do better than her?'

- BUT, and this is important, once the initial choice part is out of the equation, if a guy is with a woman who seems to treat him well, and the impression is that they are sexually content, I don't think there is really much pressure on him. Guys, at least in part of the culture, are not expected to control their wife's appearance (it being generally understood that the job description goes the other way around).

In other words: one night stand or friends with benefits, with a fat woman, you'll get some odd looks and comments, but no real opposition. Dating a fat woman, you will get push-back. Having been married for 5+ years (or having kids together) with a fat woman is just sort of one of those things.

It is the choosing to date part that is most often associated with coming out of the closet, so in that regard it may be harder for guys, on average. But that is not the only situation (for example, imagine moving to a new town to take up a new job, and you meet all these new people for the first time, and introduce them to your super-sized partner. I'm not sure that this would be harder on a male FA than a female one).
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Old 06-25-2013, 10:42 AM   #4
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If you make "coming out" a big deal, then it will be. This whole thing irks the shit out of me. Are we fucking still in high school? Lets call an assembly so one person can fill us in on their sexual preferences. Date who you want and people will take the hint. No need for a sit-down and big reveal.
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Old 06-25-2013, 12:01 PM   #5
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Good point, Saoirse.

In my case I just dated her, made it clear I was crazy about her, and ignored all hints that there was anything undesirable about her, and eventually people stopped making those hints. There was never any grand reveal of my sexual preferences.
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Old 06-25-2013, 01:16 PM   #6
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I never even thought about it as being a "coming out" thing. My second girlfriend was a big gal, and I liked it so much I never dated another thin woman. It was no big thang, I just did it.

It helped that I didn't get any blowback from family. My mom was a BBW, and my dad a FA. I guess you could say liking big gals runs in the family.
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Old 06-30-2013, 02:04 AM   #7
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Just be natural, when I was about 17 I started saying to my friends on the clubs
- hey that girl looks hot
- who? the fat one?
- yup

and so they started to realize what I liked, and now everybody I know nows, and Im not shy to openly say what I like and even I can go and say to a big woman, hey you are beautiful!

I have even discovered some female friends that like big boys, I had a friend that had a very obese boyfriend, then another, and another, and I said, hey you like them fat and she confessed me everything, that even she enjoyed watching them eat and all.

I think there is a significant % of population that likes a bigger partner, just they are shy to openly say it, or they dont realize it
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Old 06-30-2013, 04:21 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Saoirse View Post
If you make "coming out" a big deal, then it will be. This whole thing irks the shit out of me. Are we fucking still in high school? Lets call an assembly so one person can fill us in on their sexual preferences. Date who you want and people will take the hint. No need for a sit-down and big reveal.
Lol, always been my attitude. My parents found out when they saw the internet history when I was 13. Never seen the point in hiding it since, but then I don't make a point of introducing myself as preferring fat girls either.

I get the feeling it's people who are excessively self aware that fear how they'll look to others when it comes to dating bigger girls. I couldn't care less, it's my life, you only get one why live in fear and repression.
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Old 07-03-2013, 10:54 PM   #9
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I think this would be a bigger issue for me if I actually had a girlfriend to date.

It's not a question of if it's harder, it's a matter of the difficulty of me wooing a lovely BBW lady to begin with and THEN I can worry about being shamed by society. Considering my mother's kind of chubby I don't think she'll care. Which would get me worried my BBW preference is Oedipal if it weren't for the fact that the vast majority of BBWs I find attractive look nothing like my mother.

Man this got awkward fast.
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Old 07-05-2013, 02:29 PM   #10
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It hasn't been that hard hinting to friends that I like chubbier guys. What is hard is trying to convey to a bigger guy you like that you are attracted to him physically as well as being his friend. Like today I ended up telling the man in question about my teenage crush on a teacher. He asked what my French teacher was like and I said 'nearly as old as my parents and kind of short and plump'. But while I was trying to get across that this IS attractive to me (well not so much the way older thing anymore),I'm worried it might have seemed to him (a short , chubby guy) that I meant this as a negative thing - as if I share my friends more 'conventional' ideas of what is attractive. Arghh! So hard!
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Old 07-08-2013, 08:35 PM   #11
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It hasn't been that hard hinting to friends that I like chubbier guys. What is hard is trying to convey to a bigger guy you like that you are attracted to him physically as well as being his friend. Like today I ended up telling the man in question about my teenage crush on a teacher. He asked what my French teacher was like and I said 'nearly as old as my parents and kind of short and plump'. But while I was trying to get across that this IS attractive to me (well not so much the way older thing anymore),I'm worried it might have seemed to him (a short , chubby guy) that I meant this as a negative thing - as if I share my friends more 'conventional' ideas of what is attractive. Arghh! So hard!
As a bigger fella, I've always thought this would be the easiest thing in the world. And I personally would be flattered if a platonic friend was an ffa and said I was hot (it would definitely help me confirm that you gals actually exist). Just empathize your interest in bigger dudes. Make sure to encourage the thought "I did and still do like bhm's" instead of "I can't believe I had a crush on that fat ass". It's all about how you say it than what you say.

P.S. Good luck LG

P.S.S. I still believe all you lovely ladies are figment of my imagination
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Old 07-08-2013, 10:59 PM   #12
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As a bigger fella, I've always thought this would be the easiest thing in the world. And I personally would be flattered if a platonic friend was an ffa and said I was hot (it would definitely help me confirm that you gals actually exist). Just empathize your interest in bigger dudes. Make sure to encourage the thought "I did and still do like bhm's" instead of "I can't believe I had a crush on that fat ass". It's all about how you say it than what you say.

P.S. Good luck LG

P.S.S. I still believe all you lovely ladies are figment of my imagination
It just seems that i think it is more common knowledge that alot of guys like bigger woman(although it's not all that out there, but it is moreso there). But you don't see it as much where women like bigger guys LOL.
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Old 07-09-2013, 10:12 AM   #13
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Personally I don't like the Freudian age we live in, where private matters like sexual preference are expected to be announced from the rooftops. I never 'came out' per se. I just dated BBWs and my wife of 15 years is a BBW. People seem to know better than to prod me about it. When my parents raised that BS issue of being concerned about my wife's 'health' I told them I never wanted to hear another word out of their mouths about her weight, and I never have. Basically, it's nobody's damned business but mine and hers.
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Old 07-09-2013, 11:15 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by BearHug2013 View Post
As a bigger fella, I've always thought this would be the easiest thing in the world. And I personally would be flattered if a platonic friend was an ffa and said I was hot (it would definitely help me confirm that you gals actually exist). Just empathize your interest in bigger dudes. Make sure to encourage the thought "I did and still do like bhm's" instead of "I can't believe I had a crush on that fat ass". It's all about how you say it than what you say.

P.S. Good luck LG

P.S.S. I still believe all you lovely ladies are figment of my imagination
Thank you This is appreciated more than you know. I will keep trying. My situation (as ever) is complicated, but today has sucked...Hours of chatting to this guy and sharing all sorts about our lives (after suddenly getting closer having known each other for years) and since that conversation he now seems to be making excuses not to talk, only being professional and talking about work. I can only hope there is some work-stress thing going on and we will be back on track as friends at least tomorrow.

WE ARE REAL!!! If only you big guys knew what it is like! I sit there at work unable to take my eyes off my friend, wishing his gorgeous chubby hands were around my waist and I was 'allowed' to touch his belly....

All I can say...Is just pay attention and don't assume a girl is looking cos she disapproves. I think we just worry that if a guy has had a lot of negative attention / is self-conscious, it may come over as insincere if we go on about liking his appearance / drawing attention to his size. Sigh.....When really our imaginations are running wild!! Thank goodness for this place!
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Old 07-09-2013, 05:13 PM   #15
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Thank you This is appreciated more than you know. I will keep trying. My situation (as ever) is complicated, but today has sucked...Hours of chatting to this guy and sharing all sorts about our lives (after suddenly getting closer having known each other for years) and since that conversation he now seems to be making excuses not to talk, only being professional and talking about work. I can only hope there is some work-stress thing going on and we will be back on track as friends at least tomorrow.

WE ARE REAL!!! If only you big guys knew what it is like! I sit there at work unable to take my eyes off my friend, wishing his gorgeous chubby hands were around my waist and I was 'allowed' to touch his belly....

All I can say...Is just pay attention and don't assume a girl is looking cos she disapproves. I think we just worry that if a guy has had a lot of negative attention / is self-conscious, it may come over as insincere if we go on about liking his appearance / drawing attention to his size. Sigh.....When really our imaginations are running wild!! Thank goodness for this place!
Now this maybe my crazy man logic talking, but have you tried being direct? You do know you can make the first move don't. You?
Otherwise you may never know...
Maybe it's self-preservation. Maybe he thinks your just being friendly and is backing off to save himself embaracement he thinks he'd endure.

A lot if bigger guys aren't inclined to believe we'll be the object of someone's affection, and no it's not easy to overcome, expect resistance.
We're raised on the notion that our bodies are such dissadvantage that our personality has to be damn perfect, show him wrong.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going back to my dark corner
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:54 PM   #16
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Thank you This is appreciated more than you know. I will keep trying. My situation (as ever) is complicated, but today has sucked...Hours of chatting to this guy and sharing all sorts about our lives (after suddenly getting closer having known each other for years) and since that conversation he now seems to be making excuses not to talk, only being professional and talking about work. I can only hope there is some work-stress thing going on and we will be back on track as friends at least tomorrow.
Like BearHug2013 said, he may have started feeling something for you and then pulled back because he's afraid he's misinterpreting friendly actions as something more.

If you think this could be the case try being more direct. Let him know you're into bigger guys, but don't connect it to him right away. Let it sink in and see if he can do the math.

If the lightbulb goes off, congrats. Now all you have to do is find out how he feels, and being a guy you can just ask.

If he still doesn't get it, I think you pretty much have to spell it out for him.

An alternate suggestion:
Ask him if he can fasten a necklace for you. After he does it, smile at him and tell him you wish you had a guy like him around all the time for stuff like that.

You're basically hitting a Trifecta for signaling interest in a guy:

1. Breaking the touch barrier.
2. Smiling at him.
3. Making him feel wanted/appreciated.

Of course, my relationship history is almost non-existent so take my suggestion with a grain of salt.
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Old 07-10-2013, 12:51 AM   #17
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WE ARE REAL!!! If only you big guys knew what it is like! I sit there at work unable to take my eyes off my friend, wishing his gorgeous chubby hands were around my waist and I was 'allowed' to touch his belly....
This right here basically explains a large portion of my existence. Thank you for putting it so perfectly.
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Old 07-10-2013, 05:16 PM   #18
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I'm curious to hear thoughts on this. As an FFA, I have only ever told one person--a significant other I trusted very much--about my preferences, and it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I think a few friends have caught on without my saying anything, though I don't think they realize the extent of my preferences. I have no idea how they'd take it if I actually talked about it explicitly, though.

What do you think?


This is my first post on this site, or any site like this. I am new to the terminology so I apology if I get any of it mixed around. I suppose that I would be a FFA (female fat admirer)? In reply to the above quote, I think many people presume a difference between a burly manly man and one who is simply a heavy set guy. Many people would criticize and say "no, that guy is just fat." Which is obviously very hurtful, both to the man and me, the person who obviously finds them physically attractive. So no, I wouldn't say that it is easier for a FFA opposed to being an FA who is criticized for being attracted to a heavy woman.

I hope that makes sense lol. But like I said, I am new to this realm and don't want to be offensive in any way with the misuse of terminology. I am learning about as much as I can.
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Old 07-11-2013, 06:12 AM   #19
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KH--looks like you have the terminology figured out right

Also, welcome to Dims--always great to see new posters! I hope we'll see you around plenty more.
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:18 PM   #20
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It's harder to come out as a female fat admirer. By default, our society makes pretty much everything harder for females than for males (and for queer folk, harder still).

The only mitigating factor is that this same misogyny also works in reverse, meaning that males get a much bigger pass on being able to live their lives as fat people without being accosted and harassed for it all the time, thus making it less objectionable that a female would bond with a fat male than if it were the other way around.
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Old 07-21-2013, 07:36 PM   #21
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If you make "coming out" a big deal, then it will be.
Yeah. I suspect that's part of it: it is individually difficult depending on how hard you make it for yourself.

There is some peace of mind that comes with making sure that everyone knows, though, so I wouldn't go as far as to write "coming out" off totally.

Individual circumstances make it an impossible question. It's too hard to theorize what would happen with equally-situated people because none of us have the exact same families, friends, attitudes, etc.

The best thing that can be done is to not make it hard for yourself. Know that people's reactions to you don't change who you are, and shouldn't change what you want. Realize that no matter the consequences, you, too, are doing good: one, for yourself if it makes you feel better to have it out there and two, for all the BHMs/BBWs who doubt that there are people who prefer them the way they are to know that you, in fact, do hold that preference.
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Old 07-22-2013, 04:10 PM   #22
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It's harder to come out as a female fat admirer. By default, our society makes pretty much everything harder for females than for males (and for queer folk, harder still).

The only mitigating factor is that this same misogyny also works in reverse, meaning that males get a much bigger pass on being able to live their lives as fat people without being accosted and harassed for it all the time, thus making it less objectionable that a female would bond with a fat male than if it were the other way around.
From what I have seen and through experience, this is true. It is an unfair double standard, I believe after time women might get the same "leeway" as men get in dating. As it stands now, women are still seen as "commodities" in the dating world in that that their highest value is their aesthetic appeal. On the other hand for example my best friend is a BHM, and he has no problem getting dates from women.

As a guy, people will always judge your significant other by how they look first. After time most of your friends and family can see past that, but more often than not weight will always be an issue.
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Old 07-24-2013, 01:05 AM   #23
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RE: people saying that people are making coming out "a big deal": Some people have to come out - some don't.

Everyone's different. Everyone's lives and cultural expectations and self-imposed limitations and psychic makeup and intensity of preferences and need for self-expression are different. Some people need to come out to come out. Some don't.

I do agree that it shouldn't be a big deal to like fatties! That's a given.

But just because someone struggles with something you didn't doesn't mean they're doing it wrong. I know what a struggle it was for me to find a way to like myself as a fat girl. I know that there can be a struggle with coming out as an FA too. Better to encourage people to do it than to not, I think.
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Old 07-25-2013, 10:26 AM   #24
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I think it is sad that some people are not able to just love who they love whether the person is fat or thin or tall or whatever race. Society needs to get over their judgement of who is right and who is wrong for people to date and let them just openly be with who their heart leads them too. I hate it when people are judgmental and don't even give me a chance as a person.

Now that I shared my view, unfortunately I personally feel that society seems to be less judgmental from the FFA perspective thinking oh, she just likes teddy bears! For some reason that is more acceptable even though it is not fair.
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Old 07-26-2013, 02:13 AM   #25
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Lately my bbw wife has outed me casually. I actually like it out in the open with our friends, but now feel guilty for not doing it myself. A lot of her friends are larger too.

The younger generation has it easier this way in that they can seek out others with the same interests and not feel isolated. I didn't have anyone with the same preference growing up.
Thank you, internet! I am not weird; I am just a sub-group.
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