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Old 09-24-2013, 07:48 AM   #1
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Default Secret Gainer

I know there is a lot of controversy around the idea of people being 'secret feeders' in relationships and I can see why. My question is:
Is being a secret gainer in a relationship such a bad thing?

I wanted to know what people thought because while I am not ashamed of the fact I am into gaining it's really only a turn on for me if other people don't know it's intentional.

I sort of don't like the idea of being in a relationship and lying about things. I have been open about most of my fantasies with all of my partners. When I tell them that though it stops becoming a turn on for me. Recently I have gained weight both in and out of relationships but it hasn't been intentional. *I do wonder if maybe my internal fantasies are escaping! *

Another problem is that it would only really be a turn on for me if the other person enjoyed it. So unless I randomly found an FA/feeder I am screwed. (Not in the good way! )

I did once intentionally gain when I was younger and my partner thought I had an eating disorder because I would eat loads of cake and sweets late at night. So that wasn't that good. Though even though I was a lot thinner then than I am now them noticing I was gaining weight was a turn on. With partners who know about my fantasies them noticing my weight gain feels more embarrassing than hot. I'm not sure why.

The downside I can see is that a partner might not want you to get fatter and also you are sort of keeping a big part of yourself from them. In saying that I don't think it's as bad as being a secret feeder because it is your own body you are changing.

I am conflicted so I'm pretty sure most of this will stay a fantasy and I will probably gain anyway because I love to eat. Though not to intentionally gain.

Hmm.. Does anyone have any thoughts?
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Old 09-24-2013, 10:39 AM   #2
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I think pursuing this in any substantial way in a truly secret fashion is probably a recipe for hurt feelings, sorry to say.

Now, doing it in short spurts (gain 10-20 pounds, spend a year or two losing it and maintaining, then indulge again) you might be able to get away with in secret. Likewise doing it extremely gradually (5-10 pounds a year over many years).

Otherwise, perhaps semi-secret would be better? Having a partner that knows up front--and accepts or even approves--that you don't mind being fat/getting fatter and that you expect you will get fatter....without knowing how much you are doing to deliberately gain? To me that seems like sort of minimum conditions of sharing to get away with any systematic gaining without creating problems.

Another option, maybe, could be a partner who fully know, but agrees to play that they don't? Feigning shock at how much you are gaining, perhaps gently chiding you for outgrowing your clothes, who expresses puzzlement about where all the cookies went.... but whether the two of you could keep that sort of play acting up over the long term, and whether that would satisfy your urge for secret gaining, i don't know.

Overall.....I'd say that this is one of those tougher desires to try and navigate.
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Old 09-24-2013, 12:29 PM   #3
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I forgot to say I have never been in a feeder/feedee (feedist?) relationship. I think that would possible change things for me. I think if I knew the person was turned on by it totally then I could be turned on being open about it myself. I'm not even sure if feeder/feedee describes what I mean. Maybe I just need to be with an FA. Something which wouldn't have been possible a few years ago for me. I know as an FA myself I am never unhappy if a partner gains a bit. *Well unless it makes them unhappy of course*
I think what you are describing would feel weird and fake to me.. unless the person was into it. *sigh*
I do think it's a tough desire too .. I have been into being fat for as long as I can remember and it's only in the past few years I have gained weight and I am in my 30's. Most of it is in my head...I guess I worry that if I start I wouldn't be able to stop and I'm not sure I would enjoy that for many reasons.
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Old 09-24-2013, 07:55 PM   #4
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secretly gaining is definitely not as bad as secretly feeding.

The reason being a secret feeder is so bad is due to its manipulative nature and the fact that it's not your body.

Gaining requires no real manipulation and it's your body so go ham!

That being said, it is a rather good idea that your partner knows you're gaining weight on purpose.

Different individuals have different limits. Someone might be fine with a partner that's around 200 or 250 but might be bugged if it goes up to around 400 thus creating sexual problems among others, the more extreme types of feederism can have that limitation.

Embarassment might have to do with it being the "hand in the cookie jar" feeling?
Basically, it might still feel like it's a "taboo" or otherwise "secret" thing but when people notice that you are gaining they know that it's because it's a turn on so it's like getting "caught".

Honestly, if you can't find yourself satisfied with it unless the partner is a feeder and enjoys it themselves OR if it's done in secret (Nautey secrets!) you're going to have to make a decision.
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Old 09-25-2013, 01:17 AM   #5
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Interesting thoughts about the 'hand in the cookie jar' thing Azrael. I think though I feel embarrassed that people who are not into it have tried to pretend that they are during role play. That seemed cringy to me and somehow selfish. I'm never embarrassed when describing my fetish as I have heard a lot worse! lol
To be honest my other option is not to gain more intentionally and keep this to an in my head fantasy that I share with myself. Things would be totally different if this was the only thing that turned me on. If that was the case I would be with a partner who enjoyed me gaining weight (Well I would think so) but it's not. I am turned on by many things outside of myself and my gaining fantasies are another part of my sexuality.
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