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Old 10-19-2013, 11:02 AM   #1
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Default Relationships with BHMs - Newbie needs your advice!

Hey everyone! I've decided to de-lurk because I'm having some angst at the moment and it occurred to me that you lovely lot might be just the people to go to for some advice. Skip to the last paragraph of this post if you just want to lay some knowledge on me, or read on to see me go on about myself a bit first

I'm a 22 year old FFA from jolly old England. I've always preferred chubbier guys but I've only recently realised that about myself, if you see what I mean. Like, a couple of years ago, if you'd shown me a random selection of guys my age and asked me to pick one to go on a date with, I'd probably have picked a BHM, but I probably wouldn't have been able to put my finger on what I liked about him. Now, thanks to a mixture of life experiences and the magic of Google (which brought me here!), I feel like I'm beginning to understand what I like and that there's nothing weird about it (the way you can start to feel there is when you're constantly being shown people you're "supposed" to find attractive and don't). It's exciting, in a way, I've started proudly announcing "I definitely prefer chubby guys" in conversations with my friends (in appropriate contexts, I mean, I don't just shout it when we're discussing Doctor Who or breakfast cereals or something). It's liberating to understand that about myself and to know that there are people out there who feel the same way, who are left cold by the hard, muscular bodies thrust in our faces by the media and like something they can cuddle.

But it's also left me feeling like I have a problem. In the last couple of years I've dated two gorgeous BHMs and with both of them I could feel that their weight was an issue I didn't know how to deal with in the context of the relationship. I'm still quite sad about the most recent one. He said no one had ever called him "sexy" before. We had a stupid fight one day because I greeted him with something like "Hey, gorgeous!" and he said I complimented him too much. I see where he was coming from, because I've dated guys who complimented me so frequently that it became meaningless and irritating. But, at the same time, he obviously didn't believe that I fancied him, so I was trying to make him see it.

He was so wary when we first met, like he thought I was pulling some elaborate and very time-consuming prank on the fat guy. Again, I understand, because I was bullied relentlessly for a few years at school (I've always been slim, but I have red hair and used to be even more socially awkward than I am now, and neither of those are good news when you're a teenager in mainstream education) and any time a guy even tried to talk to me I'd assume that he was setting me up for some kind of humiliation. But I've grown out of that paranoia now that I'm no longer surrounded by cruel, insecure teenagers and now I feel pretty good about myself - obviously what he went through was worse than what happened to me, for it to still be having this effect - and I have no idea how to approach the situation from the other side. It's also a little hurtful to have someone think you would be capable of being that cruel when you really care about them.

I tried really hard to be patient with him. In the end he dumped me because I don't want children. I can't decide if I think that's the real reason or not. I mean, if it is, it's a perfectly good one, but a few people I've talked to about it have said that that might be why he picked it: because it's such a logical way out. I mean, he knew that about me all along and he'd never had a problem with it before, and we weren't dating for that long. So maybe he suddenly realised he wanted kids... or maybe his constant panic finally peaked and he just jumped on a reason. Either way, his body was obviously the source of a lot of issues for him and for our relationship, which is a shame when I found it so attractive.

So, to drill down to the bedrock of my question: how does one approach a relationship with a BHM who is self-conscious, even ashamed, about his weight? Obviously a self-confident BHM would be a jackpot win for me, but so far I've had similar issues with two guys if there is a next time, I want to be ready. I'd really appreciate any advice you guys can give me
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Old 10-19-2013, 09:37 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by dodobird View Post
So, to drill down to the bedrock of my question: how does one approach a relationship with a BHM who is self-conscious, even ashamed, about his weight? Obviously a self-confident BHM would be a jackpot win for me, but so far I've had similar issues with two guys if there is a next time, I want to be ready. I'd really appreciate any advice you guys can give me
Before I suggest an answer to you question, I want to comment on something else you said. And this is more me saying "..and here's the cruel irony and sadness of people being ashamed of their size and insecurity in general".

When he broke up with you, you'll always wonder if it was because of the kids thing or because of his size. Cruel irony: there's a good chance, every time someone dumps him, regardless of why, he'll wonder if it was because of his size.

That being said, I don't think you can do anything other than keep trying and being patient. This is something the guy has to sort out for himself. People have to reach a point where they love themselves before they can properly let other people love them. For the most part, people can only do that on their own.

Which means all you can do is look for and approach guys who have already reached that point in their lives and emotional maturity, have come to grips with their size and are at peace with it and are confident.

Hope that helps.

Last edited by tankyguy; 10-19-2013 at 09:41 PM.
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Old 10-19-2013, 10:57 PM   #3
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I don't think someone who is ashamed of themselves or isn't happy with who they are as a person is in a healthy place (mentally or emotionally) to be in a relationship. You shouldn't try to make it work with someone who isn't happy with themselves, it'll just end badly. Happiness starts from within!
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Old 10-19-2013, 11:47 PM   #4
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you must approach this situation dependin on the source of his low self esteem. a lot of bigger guys, dont even realize some women like them partially for their girth as opposed to in spite of it. in these cases, a well placed "you know, some girls actually like a man with some meat" can do the trick, or at least help. other times, a little bit of tough love can go a long way, and telling him to get more confident regardless of size can help too, but this is on a case by case basis.

if he is that self-loathing, that patience and encouragement wont help him, then is simply not worth it.

as a side observation, there seems to be plenty of ffa's in england, maybe applying next year to grad school is a better idea than i thought
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Old 10-19-2013, 11:51 PM   #5
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I mean at the end of the day, you can't be in charge of someone else's self-esteem. It's frustrating when the group of people you're attracted to are generally lacking in confidence, but you can't make someone magically develop self-esteem (no matter how positive and affectionate you are). Being a good partner will help, but the guy has to be willing to work on his confidence too.
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Old 10-20-2013, 12:22 AM   #6
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This is a common issue unfortunately, and its never going to go away easy. The truth is no matter how you approach it unless the guy is as Hozay said accepting of himself then he will not see how another can accept him. Self sabotage will likely rear its ugly head on a regular basis. If I was going to offer anything, and it not much instead of complimenting size/fat/bulk try playing on the manliness/strength side of things… that’s what I prefer anyways.

Best of luck.
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Old 10-20-2013, 04:08 AM   #7
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Guys, thank you all so much for your responses! Now that you've all said that I can't be responsible for the way a guy feels about himself, I've realised that's probably exactly what I would say to someone in my situation and it makes a lot of sense.

Have any of you struggled with the kind of issues I was describing? Is there anything a partner could have done to help you work through it, or do you just think that guys like this are best left alone until they get through it themselves? And what if they never do? It makes me sad to think of guys like the one I was describing, who are actually really great people, being left alone and miserable when there are people who would love them.

I know love isn't a magic cure for deep-rooted self-esteem issues, but when a BHM's head is clearly full of thoughts like "No one will ever find me attractive" it's hard not to want to jump up and down in front of him screaming "Me! I do!!" :P

Also, do you think it might be an age-related thing? I prefer not to date guys who are more than a few years older than me so perhaps they're still struggling with issues that they'll grow out of if I just wait for my dating pool to age a bit?

Oh, and hedonistthinker, you should definitely come to the UK. We can always use more BHMs

Again, thanks so much for your posts, it's great to be able to get opinions about this from people who know what I'm talking about
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Old 10-20-2013, 06:42 AM   #8
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Have any of you struggled with the kind of issues I was describing?
I have and continue to do so.

I'm in my early 30's and I've never had a relationship. I never felt anyone could be attracted to me because, except for one exception when I was 16 (and at half my current size), no one ever has that I can tell. The few times women have flirted with me in person, it turns out they weren't interested in me at all, just what I could do for them, and I got burned. I've met women online through shared interests who seemed to me into me, we'd banter, flirt, but the second they saw my picture they lost all romantic interest in me.

This combination of factors would make me wary of any woman who I didn't know well if she approached me romantically. If it was a friend or someone I already knew was into big guys, obviously I'd drop my armor a lot quicker. I think I'm better than I once was, but I'm not 100% sure I'm where I need to be yet. Maybe 90%.


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Is there anything a partner could have done to help you work through it, or do you just think that guys like this are best left alone until they get through it themselves?
I think you're best bet is to leave them alone until they get in sorted and move on to someone else. It could take them years to figure themselves out.

It's not so much about physical age, but their emotional age. Granted, some people grow up faster than others, and you have people in their 40's still stuck in a high school mentality.

Look out for signs guys are still uncomfortable with themselves and have low self-esteem. Inability to take compliments (like calling him 'gorgeous') is one of them. Guys making too many self-deprecating jokes about their weight is another, that's often a coping mechanism to cover up their insecurity; they're taking a shot at themselves before anyone else can. Talk to them. If they're constantly showing the resistance to you liking them and you showing affection, or it feels like they're putting you up on a pedestal, they may not be in the correct place for a healthy romantic relationship.

Just my POV.
Best of luck.
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Old 10-20-2013, 08:32 AM   #9
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Where’s Tad, he’s good at this stuff?

Lets look at it like this. Imagine you have no face. That would clearly be a negative. Now imagine that someone is saying your lack of a face is amazing and they love it. In anyone’s mind that would be difficult to understand and accept. That’s kind of the issue you’re facing. Focus away from the size stuff or what he may feel is a negative and pick up on other things that he is comfortable with.

On the age thing I have no real idea strangely but when I was in my early 20’s I would have probably said that the idea of an FFA was a lie. So maybe it is an age issue, my gut feeling is no though. I would say apart from being a tiny bit wiser I’m not much different to how I was 10 years ago. Don’t wait around, as the likelihood is that if it’s a problem now if nothing changes then it will remain a problem.

I think it will have more to do with the friends people keep. I was always surrounded by friends who encouraged me, and were positive in there approach. I felt confident around them and that was picked up on by others.


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Old 10-20-2013, 09:15 AM   #10
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Lets look at it like this. Imagine you have no face. That would clearly be a negative.
How did you know about my lack of face? WHY THE NO FACE HATE?!

Seriously, though, I don't think I was that focused on his size when complimenting him. I even thought carefully about where I was putting my hands during, erm, intimate moments, so as not to draw attention to areas he might have been sensitive about. I made a fuss of how sexy his butt was but he would actually go along with that, so I guess he didn't hate his butt. I mean, I get that if you're unhappy with your size you don't want someone going on about it all the time, even if it's in a positive way (heck, even if you ARE happy with it, there's more to you than the shape of your body). In fact, the only times I made reference to the fact that I like bigger guys were when he brought his weight up first. Also, there were plenty of other things I liked about him and would talk about instead, but I was afraid that if I never said anything at all about his size he would think that I was trying to ignore it because I liked him just for his personality, which would have made him feel worse again. It's a spiral of angst and confusion.

tankyguy, thanks so much for your insight I'm sorry you've had such lousy experiences and I really hope you find someone special.

Self-deprecating jokes are an interesting one. I make them a lot and I'm actually pretty comfortable with who I am: I know what my faults are and I try to overcome them, but I don't mind joking about them along the way. I also find that, when I'm meeting new people, it helps to put both me and them at ease. But I suppose you're right, someone who does that too much is probably trying to "compensate" for being bigger by making sure they're the one making the jokes about it, which perpetuates their own negative self-image and makes the whole thing worse. There are a lot of vicious circles here

While I'm happy that I'm learning more about what I find attractive, I'm finding a lot of guilt mixed in. How can I be turned on by something that makes someone so miserable? How can I upset someone as much as I clearly did my ex just by being into them?

Ugh. If anyone needs me, I'll be in this black hole of guilt and whining.
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Old 10-20-2013, 10:00 AM   #11
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We had a stupid fight one day because I greeted him with something like "Hey, gorgeous!" and he said I complimented him too much. I see where he was coming from, because I've dated guys who complimented me so frequently that it became meaningless and irritating. But, at the same time, he obviously didn't believe that I fancied him, so I was trying to make him see it.
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Either way, his body was obviously the source of a lot of issues for him and for our relationship, which is a shame when I found it so attractive.
I think for a lot of heavier guys low self esteem is a (pun intended) massive issue to overcome. Then, if they're lucky, along comes a woman who not only likes them but finds them attractive and they can't believe their luck. I think for a lot of self conscious BHM the problem comes in where they begin to feel like the fat is the defining factor in the relationship and that reinforces in their mind the deep seated belief that they are fundamentally unlovable, something that began because they were fat and is now being reinforced because the person they're with loves their fat. I would imagine it's similar to how fashion model-esque women feel i.e. 'he just loves me for my looks' and unfortunately the more you compliment a person on that aspect the more you reinforce their belief that you only love them because of that aspect.

Until a person realizes who they are and becomes okay with it (not an easy task for the majority of humanity it seems) this type of situation just keeps on replicating itself in their lives, it becomes a cycle of depression, elation and then depressive reaffirmation and it builds a nice, solid layer of mental shielding. Loving a person involves more than just what turns you on physically and part of a healthy relationship is making sure your partner knows that there are other aspects of them that you love, not just what could be considered your 'fetish' portion. Saying they're sexy is great but make sure to remind them of the other reasons you love them or you'll just wind up with an insular and agitated partner (assuming they start out with low self esteem/poor identity issues, I myself love hearing I'm sexy but I'm an actualized adult with healthy self esteem due to magnificent ass).
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Old 10-20-2013, 10:22 AM   #12
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I mentioned this in another post which is awaiting moderation so I don't know if this one will show up before or after that one, but I really don't want you guys thinking that I just obsessed over his body - I think that would be a crappy way to treat someone regardless of their appearance and confidence. I actually cut a lot of rambling about how sweet and funny and awesome this guy was out of my original post because it wasn't relevant and felt a bit pathetic under the circumstances! I complimented him for all kinds of things and never mentioned his weight unless he brought it up first.

I actually feel a bit weird about identifying as an FA for exactly this reason - I don't want to seem or feel shallow. But then I went through a weird period where I thought I might be asexual (not attracted to anyone) because I just wasn't turned on by the things other people were. I thought my sex drive was broken so I'd never be able to have a relationship, so it's actually a huge relief to find that I just like something different to what the mainstream media defines as "attractive". But it's certainly not all I care about.
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Old 10-20-2013, 11:44 AM   #13
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Where’s Tad, he’s good at this stuff?

...
With all due respect to Tad and his wonderful opinions...

I think the responses so far have been great. You, Hozay, Tankguy...et al, have shared your opinions, experiences and feelings about this sensitive subject; showing that a lot of us go thru and feel the same things.
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Old 10-20-2013, 01:48 PM   #14
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First of all, I like you, lets be friends. Seriously.

And now for your question. Be honest. I never never never go for the ' i love your personality and im fine with your body' bullshit because thats not entirely true. I fuck*** love your body, it makes me wet and I cant stop imagining ripping your clothes off. That and your amazing personality. It can scare him, surely, but Ive dated guys who were crazy shy, and it never did. After a week or so, they were fine with it. I seriously think honesty is your best shot. Lets be honest, whats better then having a girlfriend who is wet before you even touch her? ( and I mean sexually, of course having girlfeind who loves you is way better but lets stay in the body zone lol) He will soon realized it, and if not, Im sorry I have no idea. As I said always worked for me.

But still having a self confident boy is wayyyy better. ( Mine totally is, altough he is still kinda embarassed when I put him on a scale as a foreplay hahahahha)

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Old 10-20-2013, 01:51 PM   #15
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^ that post is gold, pure gold!
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Old 10-20-2013, 02:01 PM   #16
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After reading your post, I seriously felt like I could have written a great deal of that myself, right down to feeling paranoid over being set up to be humiliated. So while it might be more relevant for the guys around here to answer, I thought I'd throw in a few things that've worked for me! Which hopefully could be at least a little helpful.

First off...the most important things have already been mentioned repeatedly. Mainly...

1. In the end, you're not in charge of someone's self-esteem. You can put in a lot of effort, but ultimately it's their issue to work through and come to terms with. It sucks, but so it goes.

2. Like djudex said, make sure the relationship seems well-rounded (heh.) Emphasize everything you enjoy about them rather than specifically fixating on their size/physical attractiveness.

Now as for things I've found useful/effective enough on the FFA side of it...letting yourself be a little vulnerable about it can help. Rather than just frequent reassurance and compliments, up the candor and speak honestly from your perspective. Sure, the BHM side of things is difficult - all the other answers here speak to that. But it's not exactly a cake walk being attracted to someone who can't stand their body/dislikes themselves. In my experience, it can feel downright uncomfortable. "Well...I realize you kind of hate your body and people have been assholes to you your entire life and society dictates what's what when it comes to attractiveness...But hey! I think you're the sexiest! Yeah! Yeah..."

But even if you open yourself up a bit like that, I think it's important to remain confident about your preferences. If you act unsure about appreciating him physically, it might seem less genuine (whereas in reality, it may just be because you feel awkward about it because of HIS self-consciousness, etc.)

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But when a BHM's head is clearly full of thoughts like "No one will ever find me attractive" it's hard not to want to jump up and down in front of him screaming "Me! I do!!" :P
Honestly...you might as well do just that. After having spent a lot of the past being really inhibited and shy about it, I'm a complete weirdo about it now. Pretty much what Anjula said, really. People will only go so far in pretending they're attracted to someone. If you go full-stop creepy/enthusiastic...well, he'll either run or get used to it.

As for the kids thing, though...it's weird that it came up so early, yeah. But it might have played in. I'm with you on not wanting them, so if someone tells me they definitively want kids, it's sort of a deal-breaker. You can't know whether it was the real reason, but there's nothing to do about it now.

Anyways, good luck! It can be discouraging, but it gets better
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Old 10-20-2013, 03:23 PM   #17
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So many pearls here already.

One thing that's quite difficult for me is the question of whether to leave a 'struggling' BHM alone or not.

I completely understand the argument for rather leaving someone like that be. I think that's the one I kinda lean towards the most too. But for me, it's not as black and white as that. I've kinda been at both ends of that spectrum. So I know how helpful an encouraging relationship can be to one's self-actualisation process.... and I know it can be draining to have the role of encourager all the time.

I don't feel I'm in a position to say 'go for it!' or 'rather not' across the board when it comes to shyer/more insecure BHMs. For myself I'd take that on, on a case by case basis, which is admittedly already hard if you have invested feelings. But I wouldn't want to limit myself entirely by saying 'if he hasn't "sorted himself out totally" yet, just don't go there.' I mean, which one of us can truly say we're 100% happy with ourselves all day, every day? I know that's not quite what people are saying, I just wanted to add that idea as a consideration. I understand there are degrees, too, and I don't mean to trivialise how downright discouraging it can be with some people.

I utterly agree with the main thing people have said though - Mr BHM has ultimate control over his own self-esteem, and you have ultimate control over yours. No other person has the magic wand to make one's own insecurities disappear. If someone is still struggling with a few things, but understands that concept and is making steady progress, who's to say being in a positive (open and well-rounded!) relationship is necessarily a bad idea?

Also, just as an aside, I couldn't help thinking to myself reading this how much I love FFAs especially the Dims variety. And BHMs, obviously.
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Old 10-20-2013, 04:06 PM   #18
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eh.

compliments can sometimes come off as you trying to reassure yourself you find him attractive, regardless of...

it can be perceived as selfish and unsure, whether its your intent or not.

ive been with 2 women who were constantly trying to tell me how sexy i am because im fat. BOOOORING. if youre showing interest in me, and dating me, and fucking me...then i get it. you like me.

being "patient" is to be reserved for ill-behaved children and untrained pets. there has be some kind of subtlety & depth, which only comes with time. compliments before that are often disingenuous and speak toward your need for superficiality. ive learned this the hard way as im someone who likes to compliment those who i admire and/or feel romantic inclinations for. some folks just arent prepared for it. and some just plain hate it. some cant live without it. it is contingent upon you to know the difference and modify your behavior to determine success.

BHM. FFA. ugh, BOOOOORING. labels are for canned corn. treat them like a NORMAL person. because they are...
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Old 10-20-2013, 04:32 PM   #19
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If someone else's self-esteem is based on you, they're not ready for a relationship. What happens if you break?

You can't force someone to feel more confident, they have to take the steps themselves. As long as you're not creating a harmful environment, I'm not sure what the heck else you're supposed to do.
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Old 10-20-2013, 07:13 PM   #20
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You have to tread lightly when you deal with straight guys an how you are attracted to them on a physical level. It doesn't matter how they look.

I became a total fruit fly when I was younger because I was able to express myself to gay and bisexual men in a verbal way that straight guys couldn't handle.

With straight guys, you have to express it without words, unless they are from this community of BHM/FFA and are already accustomed to the attention.

So just let them get to know you and get comfortable with you till they recognize it on their own.
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Old 10-21-2013, 12:41 AM   #21
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"I don't think someone who is ashamed of themselves or isn't happy with who they are as a person is in a healthy place (mentally or emotionally) to be in a relationship. You shouldn't try to make it work with someone who isn't happy with themselves, it'll just end badly. Happiness starts from within!"
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"If someone else's self-esteem is based on you, they're not ready for a relationship. What happens if you break?

You can't force someone to feel more confident, they have to take the steps themselves.
"
I agree. But more-so in the sense of how it's all sort of relative. I think, at different points in your life, you will tend to meet various, different benchmarks in independence or self-assuredness. And so a guy can-be or become real confident in particular area or less so in another. Even so, it's hard, beyond challenging, to have to constantly prop someone-up. -Or- to constantly be prodded by someone-else, the one person who's ideally closest to you, to be doing things outside of your comfort zone. It will tend to work-best when two people are mostly on the same page (but not, necessarily, the same-word-of-the-same-sentence-on the-same-page?) when it comes to being confident or adventurous about a lot of the same things (but, maybe, not all of the same things?). A certain degree of complementary-tension is good, & stimulates individual-growth. And enhances the relationship. But, more often, a little is plenty-enough.

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"Where’s Tad, he’s good at this stuff?"
Yes, Tad is very insightful. *starts banging fists on table* Tad! Tad!! Tad!!! Tad!

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"...Imagine you have no face...that someone is saying your lack of a face is amazing and they love it. In anyone’s mind that would be difficult to understand and accept. That’s kind of the issue you’re facing. Focus away from the size stuff or what he may feel is a negative and pick up on other things that he is comfortable with...it will have more to do with the friends people keep. I was always surrounded by friends who encouraged me, and were positive in there approach. I felt confident around them and that was picked up on by others."
Kind of an extreme analogy, but the point needs to be made: A person has to make that decision for themselves; of their own objective self-worth; of a responsibility, to themselves, to do about as well as they can, just for themselves. However, the likelihood of their ultimate arrival at that point goes-up exponentially with each thing they become successful-at. And so having lots of cool friends will certainly facilitate a person's is openness to everything they have to offer anyone-else.

But it takes time. Life is short. And there are no guarantees of what will-be. Just of what-is. And this is just objective, straight-up good sense. About how you can't really change anyone, least of all in that way. (Particularly-important for guys into fat chicks, or women in general. But applicable-enough, I'm sure, all around.) To me, it's the essential...Yang of things. (Or is it the Ying?)

Still, I think, some part of what makes relationships so mag-i...er...worthwhile....is this sense of how we're transformed, that we have the power to transcend ourselves? To catalyze something in the other person; each other, really; that wasn't there before? Or that wouldn't be if it weren't for 'us?' The 'two-of-us,' together...

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Old 10-21-2013, 08:04 AM   #22
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First of all, I’m glad you find your way to these forums—welcome! (also, another red-haired FFA? Be honest, you are all unicorns, hiding behind screen names—right?)

Second, I don’t really have anything to add beyond what others have already said, so I don’t know why others were bringing up my name. For that matter, I say pretty much the same thing time after time.

However, thirdly, being redundant has never stopped me from saying my piece before.

So, standard point number one: One does not automatically come to appreciate about themselves what their partner appreciates about them.

The point was already made vividly that being admired for something that you are not crazy about on yourself isn’t great. To use another example, imagine a guy knew you didn’t want kids, but was turned on by your potential for fertility. That he tracked your monthly cycle and was always especially amorous when you would be ovulating (even though taking contraceptive steps of whatever sort), that he kept putting his love for the female body in terms of hips that could support babies, breasts that could feed them, etc. His admiration for those aspects of you might not make you feel sexy at all, possibly the opposite. You might even wonder if he was attracted to you per se, or if he just fetishized your reproductive system.

Or to look at it another way—you are an FA….of big guys. At a guess, you’d rather not gain a hundred pounds yourself, and if for reasons beyond your control you did you would probably not find your belly to be amazingly sexy, no matter what your partner thought. (and btw, if I’m wrong and you are an FA-of-self, too, that is awesome, and join the club, not trying to imply that you should be one way or another, just guessing based on what you have and haven’t said)

As an FA who is married to someone who would rather not be plus-sized, I can say that even if your partner comes to 100% accept that you like what you say you like, that is no guarantee that they will ever appreciate that aspect of themselves, and certainly not find that aspect to be sexy. Of course, some people just need permission to like themselves as they are, and once they really believe that it is allowed may come to revel in it. I have no idea how you tell until you are involved enough that it is painful to get out again Maybe others with more dating experience have tips on how to better distinguish that potential?

And standard point number two: actions speak louder than words. Anjula already pointed this out, focusing on the sex part (which is a very good, very important, part), so I’ll just look at a few less fun ways.

Given that you want to convince your tubby partner (or potential partner) that you are crazy for their body as it is, and that you see their girth/softness/jiggly bits as good things, not bad things, I totally support telling them. The problem with telling them is that it is easy to argue with words. Whether they argue with your words out loud—“You are so handsome” “No, I’m not, I wish you wouldn’t keep saying that”—or whether they do the arguing in their own head—“She’s just trying to convince herself,” “She’s just trying to make me feel better,” “She’s just saying that because it is what you are supposed to say to your boyfriend,” “She means I could be handsome if I could just lose all this flab,” “She must be crazy”—it is pretty easy use words to block a compliment that is given in words.

The problem is that most actions which most people would do to show their attraction are conventional, so easily dismissed as ‘it is what one does.’ As in, you hug him when you see him, or stand at a part with your arm around his waist….well, that is what girlfriends do, you could just be being a good girl friend.

So I suggest going that extra mile, and showing your appreciation in somewhat unconventional ways. Things that seem weird enough or even impolite enough or otherwise ‘costly’ enough that normally there would be incentive not to do these things. The message you are trying to get across is that even though this is uncomfortable, frowned on, time consuming, expensive, or whatever, that you are so crazy for him that you are going to do these things anyway. (and yes, these are stereotypically ‘guy’ things to do, because guys are more often the one going the extra mile to sell their devotion).

‘Public displays of affection’ of the sort that might make people around you a bit uncomfortable can be a good place to start. Things like intense kisses at a bus stop, sitting on his lap at a party and snuggling in to him, or even using those complimenting words , but in situations where normally one wouldn’t like when meeting up with him when he is with friends or family (i.e. saying “You are so attractive” when alone can be argued with, but “You are so attractive” in front of him Mom is a whole different sort of declaration—especially if coupled with a big hug and warm kiss).

Another way would be to insist on getting pictures of him—good pictures, not with him making goofy “I hate having my picture taken” faces—to have on your phone, your computer, maybe printed out and put on your nightstand. Emphasize the message that you love looking at him, that when he isn’t with you, you still want to look at him, that you want to be able to show off his picture to others. If you are really bold, demand that he model for you semi-nude, for your own personal collection of cheesecake pictures (and then text him sometime “I was just looking at those pictures I took of you last month—that was a mistake because now all I can think of is getting my hands on you again.”

Another, pretty simple, way is to take him shopping, demand that he model various clothes for you—even things you know that won’t be bought—because you “want to get to gawk at him looking all handsome and sexy.” Try and get some clothes that are less camouflaging than he would normally wear (money permitting), then insist that he wear them when you go out somewhere very public, being very clear that “I want to show you off!” (which, btw, would be a good opportunity to also use PDA and picture taking to make your point).

All you may do is convince him that you are a special type of crazy, but you should be able to leave zero doubt in his mind that you are entirely, deeply, smitten with his looks.
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Old 10-21-2013, 08:57 AM   #23
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You have to tread lightly when you deal with straight guys an how you are attracted to them on a physical level. It doesn't matter how they look.

I became a total fruit fly when I was younger because I was able to express myself to gay and bisexual men in a verbal way that straight guys couldn't handle.

With straight guys, you have to express it without words, unless they are from this community of BHM/FFA and are already accustomed to the attention.

So just let them get to know you and get comfortable with you till they recognize it on their own.

That's a good point. It can be very unnerving for some guys to feel like the object of lust, rather than being the one lusting after someone else first, because guys are conditioned to think like that.

That's how it goes down on television. Boy sees girl, falls for her. Shows her he's worthy, she falls for him, done deal.

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Old 10-21-2013, 07:39 PM   #24
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Anyone is going to get freaked out if you get all Freudian on him so in the beginning its usually advisable to put away the over-analytical female brain and think like a man! Guys don't want to go out, we don't want to shop, we want to hang out, share a meal and get naked (the order is variable). All that long walk on the beach bologna is just to facilitate the nakedness thereafter. And remember its not your job to save the world, some people are just to damaged to repair and only a masochist wants a life-long project. When cost of parts and labor do not justify the net result, its time to look for a better contract.
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Old 10-21-2013, 08:32 PM   #25
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And remember its not your job to save the world, some people are just to damaged to repair and only a masochist wants a life-long project. When cost of parts and labor do not justify the net result, its time to look for a better contract.
Right. I've heard from a lot of women who spent their 20's on "fixer-upper" guys who never got better, and now they're regretful.

The only one who can bring about lasting personal change is the person who needs changing themselves. You can't pull Artax out of that swamp, no matter how much you love him.

That said, not all damage is that severe.
Everyone has issues, and if the guy has minor ones you can live with and is making efforts and progress to improve, that's a good sign. You don't need to find someone perfect, but you do have to find someone who makes you happy and has a healthy interest in growing as a person.

The important part is to not completely mortgage your happiness now for how something else could be later. This is advice for anyone.
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