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Old 10-22-2013, 02:09 AM   #26
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Right. I've heard from a lot of women who spent their 20's on "fixer-upper" guys who never got better, and now they're regretful.
This is something that occurred to me again very recently too - how many of us ladies have a saviour complex, and how deep it can run.

My brother's girlfriend practically begged me to watch a few back-to-back episodes of Beauty And The Beast with her a while back. I saw how fervently her eyes were glued to the screen as she willed the salvation process to take effect. And it hit me like a meteor. Also, I'm not claiming stoicism at all! That shit spoke to my soul, whether I had intended it to or not

So, here's a consideration - what would [you/I] "do with" a man that's secure in himself for the most part and doesn't really need [you/me] to fix him? So many of my fantasies, sexual and otherwise, used to revolve around getting to open someone's eyes to their sexiness and overall amazingness.

Who knows, maybe I will one day get to play a huge role in my future love's process of discovering and loving himself. And that's more than ok, too. I suppose the point is that my life no longer revolves around it. I understand and accept my lack of magic powers and others' lack of it to 'save' me.

There is still much to be said for getting to be a very positive part of someone's life though. And without all those daunting expectations either which way, it can be a rather wonderful prospect ^.^
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Old 10-22-2013, 12:08 PM   #27
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Guys, thank you all so much for all your responses. I really do appreciate all your insight and I've been thinking a lot about what you've said. I feel bad for not posting more in response, but I think I just need to take it all in and think about it for a bit. But you're all awesome. Have some internet hugs! *hugs*
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Old 10-25-2013, 09:40 AM   #28
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Right. I've heard from a lot of women who spent their 20's on "fixer-upper" guys who never got better, and now they're regretful.

The only one who can bring about lasting personal change is the person who needs changing themselves. You can't pull Artax out of that swamp, no matter how much you love him.
Two comments:

1. Women in their 20's are "fixer-uppers" themselves, almost across the board. I know I was a retarded mess at that time. Just find it funny when people assume that their time was wasted - it was probably a learning experience.

2. NeverEnding Story references are always relevant.
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Old 10-25-2013, 12:36 PM   #29
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Hmmm, you seem to be a very similar person to me. I am a 23 year old FFA living in england. And I did/do identify as asexual as you said you did once. I think we are living creepy parallel lives here!

As for the self esteem of your partners, I agree with what everybody else here says, you can't fix these issues for another person as much as you would like to. Self confidence comes from the inside and from accepting and loving who you are as a person and no amount of support and kind words can make that happen for you. It certainly helps and in general I think people should be supportive to each other but these things take time and have to come from him rather than anything you say/do.

Also, bear in mind that everybody has days when they feel insecure or negative about themselves. I am a pretty confident and self assured type of person but even I have days when I feel ugly and like my hair is too messy and my eyes aren't blue enough etc etc and so does my SSBHM partner. All you can do is remind them of how wonderful a person they are. Complimenting their personality and smarts and sense of humour tends to work best because that way you are drawing them away from dwelling on their appearance when they are in such a mood. That is what I have found helps for me at least.
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Old 10-25-2013, 03:13 PM   #30
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....I am a pretty confident and self assured type of person but even I have days when I feel ugly and like my hair is too messy and my eyes aren't blue enough etc etc....
A little off-topic (unless you want to count this as a practical demonstration). You're kidding?! Your eyes are the beautifulest brightest bluest blue ever! Also, I'm so glad you had yourself a fabulous time in Canadaland and got to see the sight that matters.
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Old 10-26-2013, 11:36 AM   #31
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A little off-topic (unless you want to count this as a practical demonstration). You're kidding?! Your eyes are the beautifulest brightest bluest blue ever! Also, I'm so glad you had yourself a fabulous time in Canadaland and got to see the sight that matters.
Awww, well thank you very much! My eyes look nicer in pictures though, I always feel! And thank you for that!
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Old 11-05-2013, 03:51 PM   #32
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Question A little harder to get........maybe?

So, I actually have a little relationships question of my own.....

Iíve never been one to Ďplay hard to get.í I donít even like that phrase, it sounds the same as toying with someone, which Iím not a fan of. If I genuinely like you as a person, but not in that way, you will know. If Iím into you in allll the ways....well....you will know

Recently though, Iíve been rethinking this strategy....or lack thereof. Maybe itís just a phase Iím in right now, but Iím starting to feel wary of over-expressing myself to someone. (It may be worth saying to those who havenít yet noticed, Iím naturally a verrry expressive person Ė not just to someone whoís a love interest.)

I think the point is that I feel the need to tread more carefully and make sure what Iím expressing is, at least eventually, fully reciprocated. This can be a bit complicated tying into the whole BHM issue, because I canít imagine not letting my future BHM know just how incredibly attractive he is. So, I guess itís one of those balancing act type things. Maybe itís also a case of getting honest with myself sooner if the attraction isnít truly mutual. Or maybe Iíve actually been doing pretty ok and itís just a bit of rawness talking.....

Iíve agreed totally with all you FFAs that have said itís best to be pretty upfront about the extent of your attraction. And I still do agree. My question is, do you ever feel the need to balance that out a bit / measure it carefully? And if so, how would you go about it?

Hope that made sense and didnít sound too self-deprecating
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Old 11-05-2013, 04:03 PM   #33
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Interesting question, OD. Interesting question indeed.
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Old 11-05-2013, 04:33 PM   #34
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Iíve agreed totally with all you FFAs that have said itís best to be pretty upfront about the extent of your attraction. And I still do agree. My question is, do you ever feel the need to balance that out a bit / measure it carefully? And if so, how would you go about it?

Hope that made sense and didnít sound too self-deprecating

Im not 100% sure of I understood what you've meant.

Having said that my question for you is why? Why doing that? ( I'm seriously intrigued)
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Old 11-06-2013, 10:09 AM   #35
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Im not 100% sure of I understood what you've meant.

Having said that my question for you is why? Why doing that? ( I'm seriously intrigued)
In other words: Can it be a good thing sometimes to 'play hard to get' - especially as an FFA? And how much is too much either way?

As to why: I suppose because I've noticed a pattern with my previous crushes/relationships and it's made me wonder if I could be doing some things better.... On the other hand, it could just be because of a bit of paranoia on my part.

Be interesting to hear what you guys think
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Old 11-06-2013, 10:54 AM   #36
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In other words: Can it be a good thing sometimes to 'play hard to get' - especially as an FFA? And how much is too much either way?

As to why: I suppose because I've noticed a pattern with my previous crushes/relationships and it's made me wonder if I could be doing some things better.... On the other hand, it could just be because of a bit of paranoia on my part.

Be interesting to hear what you guys think
I think it's just a bit of paranoia. You've been blunt and, unfortunately, those particular guys didn't all respond the way you hoped, but everyone is different. If you start holding back to a level that is unnatural for you, you risk giving off the wrong impression of your personality and/or attracting the wrong type of person (e.g. a guy who wants a timid woman).

Of course, this is coming from someone with zero internal monologue.
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Old 11-06-2013, 12:42 PM   #37
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So...I really want to chime in on this topic, because it's actually crossed my mind quite a few times. But sort-of for the wrong reasons.

Mainly, I'm not exactly sure what playing hard to get actually entails It's just one of those terms I never automatically connected with an experience/concept. Sort of like heart-burn. The name is really straightforward!...but if you ask me to imagine it, it's just not gonna happen.

That being said, I'd go with paranoia as well. I'd say that acting the way that comes naturally to you is best. After all, you want someone who enjoys you for *you*. I guess there's a couple ways in which I could see a lot of direct expression of feelings going a little sour:

1. It happens really early in the friendship.
2. It comes up very frequently or too strongly, in a clingy sort of way?

But beyond that, I really don't see why being completely upfront would be a negative. Especially in the FFA/BHM context.

To try to answer your actual question about balancing - if you even need to at all - I suppose try to base it off how the other party is interacting with you? To steal a piece of writing advice I got in high school, "Show, don't tell." Rather than stating how you feel outright, convey it a bit more indirectly? It can serve as a more gradual gauge of reciprocation compared to just putting it out on the table. But that's coming from someone who's awful at directly verbalizing/textualizing emotions in the first place :/
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Old 11-06-2013, 07:32 PM   #38
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In other words: Can it be a good thing sometimes to 'play hard to get' - especially as an FFA? And how much is too much either way?

As to why: I suppose because I've noticed a pattern with my previous crushes/relationships and it's made me wonder if I could be doing some things better.... On the other hand, it could just be because of a bit of paranoia on my part.

Be interesting to hear what you guys think
There has always been the discussion on us having a fetish or preference when it come to our fat admiration. To the outside world...its a fetish. So like other fetishes (bondage and submission for example), you keep it vanilla and slowly let them feel safe an comfortable with you an your affection.

Usually bigger people do not like their bodies anyway so drawing tons of attention to it makes them uncomfortable. Then you have to remember that that they go through a lot of social problems because of their size so the defenses are up. So yes, play hard to get an make them work for it because you have to build up trust and that takes time..then they will appreciate your affection even more.

Also keep in mind that your lovin' may (and usually does) change their mindset and then they will lose weight. So give yourself time to get to know them and make sure you really like them for them an not just because they are juicy.
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Old 11-07-2013, 08:52 AM   #39
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I forget who it was who said “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.” I do think though that most of us have some of that in us.

Or to put it another way, we value things more when we work for them. For example, imagine two people have each run small businesses for years, and eventually one sells theirs for four million dollars, while the other just shuts down the business….but then wins four million dollars in the lottery the next day. I think that more often than not, the first will be more careful with their money, because they feel that they earned it.

Or to put it another way, most of us have at least some degree of wanting the ‘best’ partner that we can find. If someone approaches you and is all ‘you are amazing, I adore you, let’s be together’ then that suggests that they think you are fantastic….and that you might ignore them normally. There could be all sorts of reasons for this, but one that may be assumed (subconsciously most of the time, I’d guess) is that they don’t really think they are worthy of you.

All of which argues for, well, I really don’t like the phrase ‘hard to get,’ rather perhaps say calls for demanding to be courted. Obviously there is the issue that the person you are interested in may have no idea that you—or anyone—could possibly be interested in them. So you may have to smack them pretty hard to get their attention in the first place, but that doesn’t mean that there can’t be back and forth afterwards. I recall this sort of thing being described once as “she chased him until he caught her” i.e. you may have to move things along, and really make his moves obvious, but can still get him to go through the steps. Maybe something like “I think you are interesting—maybe you should ask me out for a coffee sometime.” (or something a bit slicker than that)
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Old 11-07-2013, 03:39 PM   #40
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In other words: Can it be a good thing sometimes to 'play hard to get' - especially as an FFA? And how much is too much either way?

As to why: I suppose because I've noticed a pattern with my previous crushes/relationships and it's made me wonder if I could be doing some things better.... On the other hand, it could just be because of a bit of paranoia on my part.

Be interesting to hear what you guys think
Ok I get it. I've already mensioned in this thread I'm always super straight with my preferences. Despite all the reasons I've shared with you there are also others. Over the years I've learned that hardly any guy I like will make a first move on me but also because I'm a) very honest person b)very impatient person c) very lovable person and I just can't wait to show all the love I have for ones body because I know this "part" was probalby neglected the most. If that make any sense lol ( Im weird as fuc* but also very lucky, most pple think my weirdness is adorable ).

As for playing hard to get, I do it ( hehe) but when things are more steady. I mean when he already knows I'm crazy about him ( or his body ). I just dont call him that often, take some time apart and shit like this. You know what they say, the more you dont want him the more he wants you.

I don't know if it's playing hard to get or what but thats what I do.


And generally I dont think playing hard to get if youre intrested makes any sense. Why doing that? and also doesnt it make you a player? I dont wanna be one, I dont like players. And its risky lol nononono Its way to complicated for me lol

I hope you can understand something, my thoughts are pretty disorganised and there is always the language problem
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Old 11-07-2013, 04:50 PM   #41
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I forget who it was who said ďI wouldnít want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.Ē I do think though that most of us have some of that in us.
"Groucho" Marx, I believe.
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Old 11-07-2013, 05:44 PM   #42
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For the record, "playing hard to get" is statistically ineffective. In general, people develop feelings for people who they feel are interested in them. Playing hard to get with everyone except for the person you're interested in tends to work better.
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Old 11-07-2013, 08:25 PM   #43
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"Groucho" Marx, I believe.
Groucho Marx, minus quotation marks.
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Old 11-07-2013, 09:42 PM   #44
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Groucho Marx, minus quotation marks.
Julius "Groucho" Marx. Definitely with quotation marks.

So playing hard to get, and is it a good idea. No in my view. I like to know that Iím wanted or liked. Thatís my preference, and I canít think of even one time I tried my luck with anyone who was not showing some interest. Maybe I have missed out I guess.

I think it possible to over analyze. At the end of the day most people are easy going relaxed people regardless of size. They like affection, and enjoy attraction.

I say stay obvious.
Love to like and like to love, and all that jazz.
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Old 11-07-2013, 09:42 PM   #45
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Originally Posted by RVGleason View Post
Groucho Marx, minus quotation marks.
Considering it's not his real name, I think it's pretty appropriate.
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Old 11-08-2013, 03:49 AM   #46
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Julius "Groucho" Marx. Definitely with quotation marks.

So playing hard to get, and is it a good idea. No in my view. I like to know that Iím wanted or liked. Thatís my preference, and I canít think of even one time I tried my luck with anyone who was not showing some interest. Maybe I have missed out I guess.

I think it possible to over analyze. At the end of the day most people are easy going relaxed people regardless of size. They like affection, and enjoy attraction.

I say stay obvious.
Love to like and like to love, and all that jazz.
Definitely this right here. If I don't sense any interest whatsoever, my default thought process is going to be that there isn't even a remote chance of anything happening. Insecurity can be a crazy powerful muse and when you're not used to that kind of attention, I think some of us tend to forget that having a potential secret admirer is even a possibility -- as effing pathetic as that sounds, heh. It's for that reason that I think a more direct approach is just about always the favorable way to go.

And like biglynch said, who doesn't enjoy attraction and affection? I say to hell with the games; bring on those explicit signs of interest! I'm pretty confident you'll find a lucky guy who will return those advances in kind .
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Old 11-08-2013, 08:26 AM   #47
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I totally agree with you .... only I'm very fussy when it comes to mythological details ....


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Insecurity can be a crazy powerful muse
... most definitely not!
A Muse is always a positive inspiration - and the best insecurity can do is warn you of risks (even though it tends to exaggerate there too!)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muse


Insecurity is the Nemesis you want to get rid of ... and like the true Greek Nemesis are never able to fully leave behind you!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nemesis_(mythology)
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Old 11-08-2013, 12:28 PM   #48
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I totally agree with you .... only I'm very fussy when it comes to mythological details ....




... most definitely not!
A Muse is always a positive inspiration - and the best insecurity can do is warn you of risks (even though it tends to exaggerate there too!)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muse


Insecurity is the Nemesis you want to get rid of ... and like the true Greek Nemesis are never able to fully leave behind you!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nemesis_(mythology)
Agouderia, you blow my mind everytime you post.

(Nothing constructive to contribute, sorry!)
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Old 11-08-2013, 02:19 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by agouderia View Post
I totally agree with you .... only I'm very fussy when it comes to mythological details ....




... most definitely not!
A Muse is always a positive inspiration - and the best insecurity can do is warn you of risks (even though it tends to exaggerate there too!)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muse


Insecurity is the Nemesis you want to get rid of ... and like the true Greek Nemesis are never able to fully leave behind you!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nemesis_(mythology)
Ah yeah, I guess that was a poor choice of word but I meant it in more of an ironic sort of way -- as in that it (insecurity) tends to "inspire" you to think more negatively and expect the worst. Nemesis would have made much more sense though.
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Last edited by MrSensible; 11-08-2013 at 02:32 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 11-08-2013, 10:33 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by Anjula View Post
You know what they say, the more you dont want him the more he wants you.

I don't know if it's playing hard to get or what but thats what I do.
Sometimes you want to be chased.
You want to feel wanted or desired.
Sometimes you want to make him work for it because...
Dammit, you're worth a bit of effort.
He has a smoking hot girlfriend, he should take her out and show her off!

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting him to make some effort. But sometimes, because of the issues that have already been touched on here, you have to be careful to communicate that to him. So that he understands that it's not that you don't want him. But, that you want him to want you.

It's draining to give of yourself and put into a relationship.
If there's balance you replenish each other.
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