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Old 11-09-2013, 03:09 AM   #51
escapist
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Originally Posted by chicken legs View Post
Usually bigger people do not like their bodies anyway so drawing tons of attention to it makes them uncomfortable. Then you have to remember that that they go through a lot of social problems because of their size so the defenses are up. So yes, play hard to get an make them work for it because you have to build up trust and that takes time..then they will appreciate your affection even more.
Chicken did some pretty great stuff. As confident as I thought I was back in the day, she found the things that still bugged me (like kids pointing and freak out at at me in the store) and had a way of defusing it all helping me really just accept that Its not Frankenstein the kids see its more like the HULK's chubby brother.

Helping me see the world though your eyes is what really made me appreciate you. (not the hoops, I hate hoops...I might need them sometimes, but I still hate 'em I'm to big for damn hoops hehehe).
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Old 11-09-2013, 03:56 AM   #52
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Sometimes you want to be chased.
You want to feel wanted or desired.
Sometimes you want to make him work for it because...
Dammit, you're worth a bit of effort.
He has a smoking hot girlfriend, he should take her out and show her off!

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting him to make some effort. But sometimes, because of the issues that have already been touched on here, you have to be careful to communicate that to him. So that he understands that it's not that you don't want him. But, that you want him to want you.

It's draining to give of yourself and put into a relationship.
If there's balance you replenish each other.
I sense the force is strong with this one
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secret turn on.....Genuine affection :)
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Old 11-09-2013, 03:59 AM   #53
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I forget who it was who said “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.” I do think though that most of us have some of that in us.

Or to put it another way, we value things more when we work for them. For example, imagine two people have each run small businesses for years, and eventually one sells theirs for four million dollars, while the other just shuts down the business….but then wins four million dollars in the lottery the next day. I think that more often than not, the first will be more careful with their money, because they feel that they earned it.

Or to put it another way, most of us have at least some degree of wanting the ‘best’ partner that we can find. If someone approaches you and is all ‘you are amazing, I adore you, let’s be together’ then that suggests that they think you are fantastic….and that you might ignore them normally. There could be all sorts of reasons for this, but one that may be assumed (subconsciously most of the time, I’d guess) is that they don’t really think they are worthy of you.

All of which argues for, well, I really don’t like the phrase ‘hard to get,’ rather perhaps say calls for demanding to be courted. Obviously there is the issue that the person you are interested in may have no idea that you—or anyone—could possibly be interested in them. So you may have to smack them pretty hard to get their attention in the first place, but that doesn’t mean that there can’t be back and forth afterwards. I recall this sort of thing being described once as “she chased him until he caught her” i.e. you may have to move things along, and really make his moves obvious, but can still get him to go through the steps. Maybe something like “I think you are interesting—maybe you should ask me out for a coffee sometime.” (or something a bit slicker than that)

I love your illustrations.
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secret turn on.....Genuine affection :)
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Old 11-09-2013, 04:57 AM   #54
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Ugh, I wish I could respond to what all of you have said respectively, but we're supposed to be weekending, and who really wants to read that essay?

But it's been sooo helpful to relieve my brain of this topic for a while, sit back and just take in some more objectively varied opinions!

I think paranoia *was actually a big part of my starting to (perhaps over-)analyse this. I've realised there's much to be said for doing what comes naturally, especially with being an FFA. At the same time, I'll probably be a tad more balance-focused in future, and give [whoever 'him' turns out to be] more opportunities to put in a healthy bit of effort - particularly once he already knows how I feel about him.

THANK YOU, PEOPLES
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Old 11-09-2013, 05:09 AM   #55
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I sense the force is strong with this one
I swallowed a Yoda minifig in 2005 i've never been the same since.
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Old 11-09-2013, 05:29 AM   #56
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I sense the force is strong with this one
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I swallowed a Yoda minifig in 2005 i've never been the same since.
A well-advised FFA thanks you! (Seriously, that post did strike quite the chord....)

*goes out to buy Yoda minifig* Do you think if I chop it up and chuck it in a stir fry the effects would still be the same? I need me some Force.
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Old 11-09-2013, 05:48 AM   #57
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*goes out to buy Yoda minifig* Do you think if I chop it up and chuck it in a stir fry the effects would still be the same? I need me some Force.
I'm not sure I can recommend it. Sometimes it tickles when I bend over.
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Old 11-09-2013, 10:55 AM   #58
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Excuse the pun.... but i'll "weigh in" on this one
as a 27 year old ssbhm
I can understand where the guys are coming from
I've been called hot only a few times in my adult life and i couldn't help but feel as if i was being mocked.
It's interesting how I crave attention and yet when it's displayed it's often times too much and i feel unworthy at least in a real life context.
I can't imagine if i didn't have the concept of what an ffa was and i met one in real life.
I am used to being called cute. I have a cute face. but I have never been able to accept myself as hot.
I wonder why this is
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Old 11-09-2013, 12:33 PM   #59
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Excuse the pun.... but i'll "weigh in" on this one
as a 27 year old ssbhm
I can understand where the guys are coming from
I've been called hot only a few times in my adult life and i couldn't help but feel as if i was being mocked.
It's interesting how I crave attention and yet when it's displayed it's often times too much and i feel unworthy at least in a real life context.
I can't imagine if i didn't have the concept of what an ffa was and i met one in real life.
I am used to being called cute. I have a cute face. but I have never been able to accept myself as hot.
I wonder why this is
Usually when your in a relationship feelings and perspectives are fluid and dynamic. You're never just cute, you're never just hot, you're never just average. There are always highs and lows. I used to be bothered that I got called cute far more than hot, and then I grew up and got over it

There was a time I never heard of an FFA, but I knew what a chubby chaser was. I knew there were girls who just liked bigger guys. I knew there were women who preferred bigger more "manly-sized-men". Perhaps it helped that I grew up in the North West where being a mountain man was considered a good thing.

As far as accepting yourself as hot, you won't have to worry about it because if you don't learn to see at least some of yourself as BLAZING HOT to some they won't want to look much deeper because "issues" can be a real turn off negating the hotness.

I don't mean to pick on you personally Boom, but I think your right for the most part. I think you express some views that many BHM's see and feel. There are BHM's here who have lived in my world though and experience things very differently. I just wanted to use your examples to express a different perspective.
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Old 11-09-2013, 11:33 PM   #60
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Chicken did some pretty great stuff. As confident as I thought I was back in the day, she found the things that still bugged me (like kids pointing and freak out at at me in the store) and had a way of defusing it all helping me really just accept that Its not Frankenstein the kids see its more like the HULK's chubby brother.

Helping me see the world though your eyes is what really made me appreciate you. (not the hoops, I hate hoops...I might need them sometimes, but I still hate 'em I'm to big for damn hoops hehehe).



All those defenses were tough but I remembered 6 rules: Dodge, duck, dive, dip, dodge, and most importantly random hugs/snuggling . hehe...truth is, I don't try to play hard to get. Escapist learned my burn out pattern and cares enough to come to me and recharge my lovin' batteries after I get worn out jumping through his hoops . That and communication is the only reason we have been together this long and why I consider Escapist to be my first boyfriend.

Anywho, I'm a old hen, so my advice is just hindsight talking to help others stay balanced. Plus, its goes for men and women regardless of their (ever changing) physical state or the type of relationship it is (family, friends, or lovers).
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Old 11-10-2013, 10:07 PM   #61
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I think self-confidence takes some time to develop no matter what your size. I'm on the high side of 40 and I've been with BHM's older than me that are smokin' hot and see themselves as unattractive. I don't mind tossing a compliment his way but for the most part, in a relationship; I don't have the patience to deal with low self-esteem and the endless questioning of my motives that comes with it. There are some people that no matter what you say or do they are going to be insecure. There is something broken inside of them and they have to find a way to repair it for themselves. You can give them the tools to fix it but they have to do the work.
The current one I'm with is average looking but is comfortable with himself. When we first met he knew I was into big guys and simply asked me "Why?", guess it seemed a little weird. I told him it was just a preference, like being attracted to men with shaved heads, tattoos and big trucks. If they have all that and they're a BHM that's just an added perk.
I think men are generally somewhat fragile creatures with sensitive egos but some of the best advice you'll get about pursuing them in a relationship will come from the men themselves. There's some great advice here already.

My thoughts are if the subject of size comes up be honest. Tell him that's what attracted you to him initially but there's more to him than just his size and what's going to keep your attention is his great personality and his ability to make you laugh. The direct approach is usually best and eliminates any confusion whether you're interested or not. Everyone wants attention and affection, give generously and don't over-think where you're putting your hands. If he doesn't want them there he'll move them somewhere else.
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Old 11-12-2013, 02:05 PM   #62
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Agouderia, you blow my mind everytime you post.

(Nothing constructive to contribute, sorry!)
Hmmm ... not sure whether that really is a compliment....

It sounds a bit more like "person on this board most likely to make the most far-fetched response to any post...."

Not that I mind that - I enjoy devious thinking... it often leads to quite creative results, or is at least more fun!
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:04 AM   #63
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Originally Posted by Boom View Post
Excuse the pun.... but i'll "weigh in" on this one
as a 27 year old ssbhm
I can understand where the guys are coming from
I've been called hot only a few times in my adult life and i couldn't help but feel as if i was being mocked.
It's interesting how I crave attention and yet when it's displayed it's often times too much and i feel unworthy at least in a real life context.
I can't imagine if i didn't have the concept of what an ffa was and i met one in real life.
I am used to being called cute. I have a cute face. but I have never been able to accept myself as hot.
I wonder why this is?
I get this -- I've felt the same way. It also never feels genuine when people say "you're not fat -- you're just big".
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Old 11-14-2013, 10:49 AM   #64
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Yeah, I can count on one hand the number of times I've been genuinely complimented on my looks (backhanded compliments don't count).

But the thing I figured out was, even if you don't 'believe' someone's compliment, act like you do. Because I came to the conclusion that I was missing out on more good things by acting suspicious than I was 'protecting' myself from bad things by being self-effacing to the point of self-deprecation. This applies not only to looks, but compliments about anything you may be self conscious of.

So I graciously take compliments, I try not to deflect them and I stifle my inner pessimist. And I think myself and everyone I come into contact with is better for it.
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Old 11-15-2013, 04:55 AM   #65
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All those defenses were tough but I remembered 6 rules: Dodge, duck, dive, dip, dodge, and most importantly random hugs/snuggling . hehe...truth is, I don't try to play hard to get. Escapist learned my burn out pattern and cares enough to come to me and recharge my lovin' batteries after I get worn out jumping through his hoops . That and communication is the only reason we have been together this long and why I consider Escapist to be my first boyfriend.

Anywho, I'm a old hen, so my advice is just hindsight talking to help others stay balanced. Plus, its goes for men and women regardless of their (ever changing) physical state or the type of relationship it is (family, friends, or lovers)
.


I love that woman!

I couldn't help it because she looked so cute trying to hibernate under my belly when she needed a recharge
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Old 11-18-2013, 09:34 AM   #66
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You know, re-reading this thread along side the 'FFAs with Eating Disorders' one makes me think about the tragedy of a couple who both feel bad about their own bodies while finding their partner's attractive.


If I had a partner in that place, I'd just want hold her and tell her over and over how beautiful she was and not let go. To tell her I know exactly what it's like, and I know I couldn't fix the problem for her, but that I'd still want to give her my unyielding support and be her anchor.
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Old 11-19-2013, 03:00 AM   #67
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You know, re-reading this thread along side the 'FFAs with Eating Disorders' one makes me think about the tragedy of a couple who both feel bad about their own bodies while finding their partner's attractive.


If I had a partner in that place, I'd just want hold her and tell her over and over how beautiful she was and not let go. To tell her I know exactly what it's like, and I know I couldn't fix the problem for her, but that I'd still want to give her my unyielding support and be her anchor.
I'd rep you half do death right now if I could It is a damn shame, isn't it? And yet I'm inclined to think what you described might just be the most common of relationship situations. But, hell yes! - what you said!
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Old 11-19-2013, 05:34 AM   #68
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I'd rep you half do death right now if I could It is a damn shame, isn't it? And yet I'm inclined to think what you described might just be the most common of relationship situations. But, hell yes! - what you said!
Got him for both of us .
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Old 11-26-2013, 09:02 AM   #69
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I can totally understand this from both sides of the coin. I've been made to think my whole life that no-one could ever find me attractive and I've always felt self conscious about my size. I'm 6'2" tall and about half as wide and I come from a small (minded) town plus I've got quite a lot of visible tattoos and used to have a bunch of facial piercings and used to get abuse hurled at me all the time because of it. This, combined with other things going on at the time led to me becoming somewhat of a recluse. I now only have 2 noticeable piercings (Large ear lobes. I removed the others for reasons other than unwanted attention.) and I find nowadays that if people comment on them it's usually out of curiosity and they're really friendly about it.

At present I have to use a walking stick due to spinal injury, which, when is kicking my arse in the pain stakes, causes me to shake, spasm and sweat profusely which only adds to my anxiety. However, more often than not, when my paranoia levels go astronomical and I think people are staring at me in abject disgust, someone will ask me if I'm okay etc and people have actually helped me carry bags to my car and stuff. Guess it wasn't as bad as I thought after all, right?

Ultimately, what I'm trying to convey is that everyone has their insecurities and neuroses about a variety of issues. Some days we feel better about them than others and speaking as a particularly large fella, yes, my size is something I am often conscious of but when I actually stop and think about it, you know what? That's their problem, not mine. They can suck my super sized apple bag for all I care.

In the past few years or so, despite my lack of mobility due to my spine and by this point, severe depression and anxiety, I went back to college to do a computer course and have even started swimming again. Me? Get almost nekkid in front of a load of strangers??! That's something I would never have even considered even a month prior to going back to college. Being put into social situations again helped me realise that the whole world isn't out to get me and those that are dicks to me are just that: Dicks! they'll probably be giving everyone grief for whatever they can because it's ultimately them that have problems, not me. My confidence has slowly started to grow and since finding this place it has continued to do so at a healthy pace.

As for the other side of it, I was going out with a rather lovely, very large (but so short and cute) girl some years ago and despite me having all the empathy in the world for her, telling her and proving to her that she had nothing to worry about whatsoever. Eventually she kind of hit self destruct the relationship. I was eight years older than her at the time and that was ultimately what she said was the issue although she admitted otherwise later. After we broke up we continued to be good friends and for all I've only physically seen her a couple of times after we ended, we stay in contact an a regular basis and I think a lot of what I was saying finally sunk in. Now she's got a great lad and is expecting her second daughter next month.

Sorry to ramble so much but hopefully it might help. All I can suggest for the future is, if you get another lad with similar issues, wait until he inevitably broaches the subject of his size/shape/weight and just be straight with him, maybe even somewhat stern and explain your preference to him as you feel appropriate and maybe introduce him to this place. He'll realise that you aren't playing a prank or are some unexplainable phenomenon and he is just as desirable as anyone else out there. Maybe mention some of the insecurities you've experienced in the past. Try and create a level playing field so to speak. Let him know you're just as nervous or whatever. That's how I think my fears would be alleviated if I were still in that frame of mind.

For all I know I'm talking a load of bovine scat here, because I've never had any idea whatsoever when a girl has been interested in me and it's always been up to them to make the first move. After coming here though, my confidence has had a massive jump and I know longer avert my gaze from meeting a pretty girl's when she looks at me. I've even had a few smiles from them if you can believe it?!

Finally, I wish you all the best of luck in the future and I am certain you'll find big ol' cuddly Mr Right before you expect.

ps Where in the UK are you from and are there more of your adorable kind there? If so, I may need to relocate!

Dave.
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Old 11-26-2013, 10:43 AM   #70
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Sorry I do not have time to read all the replies only on a wee break at work!

In my experience if someone is not happy in themselves then there is nothing you can do about it sadly! Keep faith tho someday you will meet the right one and you will know it

Im one of those confident BHMs but I still want to lose a little for my sports so I am faster and stronger! Just each to their own
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Old 11-26-2013, 12:19 PM   #71
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All of these responses to mine and other questions are awesome, I like it here!!

Mr Gosh, your post was especially helpful because you know what I'm talking about from both sides. Maybe you're right, maybe I just need to be much more direct about what I like. The guy I was talking about kept using the word "fetish" on me, and I don't consider myself to have a fat "fetish", I just prefer bigger guys. Maybe that's just the way I've heard it used, to describe something a bit odd that's best kept quiet. But then it felt like that was what he meant. Like I couldn't just casually like big guys, I have to be confessing some twisted sexual secret.

Oh, and I'm in Norfolk and we can always use more eye candy I don't know whether I'd say there are more of my kind here, often when I mention my preference other girls will say they prefer chubby guys too - like, they like to ogle six-packed celebrities but that's not necessarily what they're after in a mate. The only actually *shocked* reaction was from a male colleague at my old job I used to chat with on the bus home: "You like FAT PEOPLE?!" Uh, yes. Yes I do.

Since posting here I've been getting increasingly angry about society. I keep noticing, in a way I didn't before, how many jokes and unpleasant comments are made about "fat people" on TV and in normal conversation. It's used as a synonym for "ugly" and a shortcut for cheap laughs ALL THE BLOODY TIME. I know this won't be news to you guys, but now that I'm noticing it I'm just finding it infuriating. Crap like this is why I can't find an emotionally healthy guy I find attractive and why the relationships I do get into are so difficult. Grr.
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Old 11-27-2013, 10:26 AM   #72
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dodobird View Post
All of these responses to mine and other questions are awesome, I like it here!!

Mr Gosh, your post was especially helpful because you know what I'm talking about from both sides. Maybe you're right, maybe I just need to be much more direct about what I like. The guy I was talking about kept using the word "fetish" on me, and I don't consider myself to have a fat "fetish", I just prefer bigger guys. Maybe that's just the way I've heard it used, to describe something a bit odd that's best kept quiet. But then it felt like that was what he meant. Like I couldn't just casually like big guys, I have to be confessing some twisted sexual secret.

Oh, and I'm in Norfolk and we can always use more eye candy I don't know whether I'd say there are more of my kind here, often when I mention my preference other girls will say they prefer chubby guys too - like, they like to ogle six-packed celebrities but that's not necessarily what they're after in a mate. The only actually *shocked* reaction was from a male colleague at my old job I used to chat with on the bus home: "You like FAT PEOPLE?!" Uh, yes. Yes I do.

Since posting here I've been getting increasingly angry about society. I keep noticing, in a way I didn't before, how many jokes and unpleasant comments are made about "fat people" on TV and in normal conversation. It's used as a synonym for "ugly" and a shortcut for cheap laughs ALL THE BLOODY TIME. I know this won't be news to you guys, but now that I'm noticing it I'm just finding it infuriating. Crap like this is why I can't find an emotionally healthy guy I find attractive and why the relationships I do get into are so difficult. Grr.
Yeah, it's annoying watching something like "Live at the Apollo", having a good time until BAM it's about you. And in a really aggressive, nasty way.
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Old 11-27-2013, 10:48 AM   #73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sasquatch! View Post
Yeah, it's annoying watching something like "Live at the Apollo", having a good time until BAM it's about you. And in a really aggressive, nasty way.
Yeah, I'm genuinely shocked by how many comedy shows I've always enjoyed use that tired and hurtful crutch for a cheap joke in the way lazy comedians used to make jokes about things that are now (very rightly!) considered taboo, like race. Somehow fat jokes are seen as OK, like fat people DESERVE it, and that really angers me. This is why I can't have nice things!
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Old 11-27-2013, 12:37 PM   #74
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My son, being a teenage geek, religiously watches "Big Bang Theory" as a sort of representation of his tribe, so I'm exposed to it regularly. For the most part I don't mind the show, but I loathe all the jokes about how fat Howard's mother is, and the occasional other jokes about fat women that all imply they are a) undesirable and b) sexually desperate and ravenous.
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Old 11-27-2013, 01:09 PM   #75
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Oh yes, TBBT as well! I'm an early-20s geek so I love it too but, again, they use those jokes in a really lazy way.
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