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Old 11-10-2013, 09:47 AM   #1
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Default FFA's with eating disorders?

hi from a former lurker. mostly visits to this forum just consisted of me reading posts and being like 'omg i thought it was just me but it's not!'

so lately i've been feeling like a hypocrite and a bad person, because i'm a FFA and also anorexic. i know i have a total double standard - drooling over chubby guys while at the same time hating myself and wanting to crawl out of my skin if i'm at a 'normal' weight. i feel bad about it, but at the same time i don't know why i feel bad- it's not like i choose what's attractive to me. And i've tried dating guys of all shapes and sizes, because sometimes i was attracted to a guy because of personality, or because he had a gorgeous smile, or because he was funny or musically talented, etc. But legit physical/sexual attraction is just never there unless a guy is at least slightly overweight.

i honestly don't think one has much to do with the other. i guarantee i would still swoon over fat guys and abercrombie models would still leave me cold and a bit grossed out, even if i magically woke up tomorrow completely cured of any and all ED'ed thoughts. and it's 100% genuine attraction (ok, more like pure unmitigated lust ); i'm not and never have been into using other people- fat or thin, real-life or internet pictures- as ED 'triggers'.

yesterday i was in class and there was this one guy who was so incredibly gorgeous i had to will myself not to stare at him like a creep; he looked like he belonged in a Renaissance painting where beautifully soft voluptuous creatures lounge on velvet and drink wine. worse yet, at one point we were playing a game where we all stood in a circle and tossed a beach ball to each other. (it's a class for teaching English and the ball had questions and conversation-starters written all over it.) whenever he reached to grab an errant ball and his shirt lifted up, i was blushing furiously and my concentration was just gone.

then we took a break for lunch and i must have been more obvious about flirting with him than i thought, because he asked for my number. he didn't actually eat anything on break and said he was on a diet and wanted to lose weight, and of course in my head i was like wtf nooooo, you can't do that, you're fucking perfect right now! then feeling like a total hypocrite because obviously i want to lose weight too, and will resort to some pretty unhealthy measures to do so, and it doesn't matter if other people think i'm fine as-is. so i feel bad for wanting someone else to be fat when i'm clearly not okay with that for myself at all.

idk. anyone else relate? how do you deal with feeling like this?
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Old 11-12-2013, 01:31 AM   #2
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First off, hello there and welcome to the forum! It takes a lot of courage to admit about eating disorders to strangers this way so well done for that!

Also, I identify with what you are saying completely. I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but I am fairly positive that I have had one most of my life. Even as an eight year old I remember starving myself in the day time to be thin and storing up all my lunch money instead of buying food and then eating whole slabs of chocolate in the middle of the night when it all got too much. At my worst when I was 21 I spent three hours a day everyday doing cardio exercises and ate nothing other than raw vegetables and two diet shakes made with water rather than milk a day. I got down to about 115lbs which doesn't sound too bad but I had to have cushions on everything and lie on top of my quilt at night because of the pain of resting on my protruding bones otherwise. My recovery from this involved starving and then binging until I threw up from the amount of food. I am back to normal in terms of eating patterns now and feeling much better for it but back when I was at my lightest I honestly saw myself as being the same size as people who were about 250lbs. Not sure if this classes as an eating disorder or not as it was never diagnosed but it was certainly unhealthy eating and I had to go on supplements and such afterwards to recover.

I have also always been attracted to bigger guys and girls, my partner is around 450lbs and I love every inch of him and wouldn't want him to lose a single pound and yet I often find myself feeling like a huge shapeless whale and wishing I could lose weight despite being almost 300lbs lighter than him. In fact, I seem to remember there was a thread once about wanting to lose weight when you still like bigger partners, I will see if I can dig it out for you... ah, here we go! Click me!

Hope this helps!
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Old 11-12-2013, 03:57 AM   #3
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I understand where you're coming from.
By now I actually believe something like 80% of all women have some kind of eating disorder, don't have a really normal relationship with food. It's simply the consequence of being subject to the 'only thin is acceptable' mantra your whole life.

Even though I hardly qualify as a BBW by Dims standards - I'm 5'7" with a broad build & 190 pounds - in comparison to others I feel like I'm a SSBBW. I hate my shape, but I greatly admire the same one or even more on other women. I prefer my guys to be huge, actually. Yet I always want to lose weight and do resort to unheathly eating patterns for that.

It's not easy to come to terms with these double standards in your perception - but that's all you can do.

Good luck!
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:56 AM   #4
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I don't have an eating disorder but I have struggled with my relationship with food and definitely with my body image. I can remember hating my weight and wishing I could cut off pieces of my thighs to make them thinner when I was about 11 years old. I had days where I was in hysterics, on the ground sobbing because of how much I hated my body.

It's hard to know that something you love on someone else is something you hate or are terrified of when it comes to your own body.
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Old 11-12-2013, 06:14 AM   #5
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As a supersized woman, I can say that I know all too well about eating disorders. I grew up in a home where being chubby was a sin. My mother had a fear of fat and made sure that I didn't grow up to shame the family. Unfortunately for her, here I am...470 pounds. My mother would make me exercise with her every day. She would lock the fridge and hide the snacks. Cookies were counted down to the very last one. At the age of 10, I developed bulimia, and from there anorexia. I did get down to a low weight, but I don't remember because I still saw fat whenever I looked in the mirror. Of course my mother blamed me for causing problems within our family. She nor my father ever took responsibility for shaming my weight my entire life. Long story short, I ended up in therapy and began a new relationship with food. I gained weighed at a steady pace, and here I am. My mother has since passed, but my father is still alive and more hateful of my fat than before. I am who I am, and I refuse to allow anyone to put me into that situation again. I love who I am, and yes, I love food. Screw anyone who dares tries to belittle or shame me. I'm not sticking my finger down my throat for anyone ever again!
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Old 11-12-2013, 10:04 AM   #6
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thanks you guys/ladies, for sharing your perspectives and making me feel a bit less of a freak. although i'm sorry that so many of you have gone through the same thing with EDs and body image. it sucks.

& loopy, thanks for the link to that other thread; that was helpful and I don't think I would have found it since I don't really lurk outside the FFA/BHM forum.

the last guy i dated was uber-uncomfortable with his body; I found out very quickly that I couldn't even touch his belly at all without him squirming away and making a horrible face and making me feel like a pervert. sigh. it was like, I really wish he could just realize how incredibly gorgeous he is and own it...but again, i'm a massive hypocrite because I do the exact same thing! It would make me feel ill to have my stomach touched in any way, and I always assume that if a guy finds me attractive it's in spite of me being "fat", or that he likes my personality, etc. I definitely don't believe that guys find me physically appealing ever, and yet I expect them to believe me when i try to tell them how hot they are? hmm.

but yeah, that guy's thread about wanting to be thin/fit himself and liking bigger women kinda made sense i.e. maybe it is okay to find something physically appealing on others but not necessarily want it for yourself. & there is a point where it's too much - like if someone is in pain or having health problems because of his weight, or if the extra weight is holding them back from being able to do something they love to do, then i'm obviously not for that and would totally support them losing weight. so maybe i'm not a terrible person after all; i just find chubby guys to be incredibly hot.

(also MsCharlotte, if that is you in your avatar, you are stunningly beautiful. )
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Old 11-12-2013, 10:41 AM   #7
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Default ^Just to clarify...

It's not really a true double-standard you're talking about, but a different-standard for, essentially, two different things?
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Old 11-12-2013, 01:48 PM   #8
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i understand because i'm a little picky about my weight too, plus i'm actually having trouble eating right now due to some health problems. but i love seeing a bigger guy/girl enjoy a meal.

your standards for yourself are completely different than your standards for someone you find attractive. good luck with your eating disorder.
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Old 11-12-2013, 01:57 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by terpsichore View Post
... so i feel bad for wanting someone else to be fat when i'm clearly not okay with that for myself at all.

idk. anyone else relate? how do you deal with feeling like this?
There's a great psychological concept which perfectly describes your situation - it's called cognitive dissonance.
(http://psychology.about.com/od/cogni...dissonance.htm)

Your personal preferences are in conflict with the omnipresent, overwhelming social standard that 'only thin is beautiful'. You've accepted the standard for yourself, reducing that dissonance. Physical attraction though is mostly not a conscious decision, but is steered by your subconscious which is difficult to influence on a purely rational, cognitive basis.

What to do? If you want to be really happy in the long run, you have to allow your subconscious the room it needs. Meaning you have to reduce dissonances that tell you 'fat is bad' - like
* stop reading women's magazines or watching pro-diet shows, etc.
* concentrate on movies, features, etc. that focus on positive depiction of bigger characters (there fortunately are more around by now)
* immediately change the subject when diet & weight talk come up
* make positive remarks about non-thin-conform people's appearance
* don't let the scale be your own daily judge - determine your feelings about yourself based on what gives you the sense of comfort, empowerment, joy, fulfillment.

It'll take a while to readjust your thinking - after all your challenger is the currently dominant perception in the universe. But it will be worthwhile to fixate that one small star which is your very own personal view of the world.
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Old 11-13-2013, 07:40 AM   #10
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For what it is worth, having interacted with a lot of FA, of various sizes and preferences, over the years, I think that:

- preferring fat on the demographic that you might find sexually attractive
- preferring fat on the demographics that you would not find sexually attractive
- preferring fat on yourself

Are three quite different things. Some people have just one, some have any combination of two of them, some have all three.

(to clarify the awkward wording of the first two....say you are a purely heterosexual woman who would only be sexually attracted to fairly masculine seeming guys who are not too crazy far off in age from you, then that would be 'the demographic that you might find sexually attractive.' Whether or not you'd think you female friends, gay uncle, or seventy-year old male neighbour as better looking (in a non-sexual way) if they were heavier, that would fall into that second category).

So that you are attracted to fat guys, but don't want to be fat yourself, is not in itself all that odd or anything wrong. That you are dealing with an eating disorder is a challenge in itself, but I don't think you should load any additional emotional baggage onto that issue because you are an FA of BHM.
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Old 11-13-2013, 08:34 AM   #11
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(also MsCharlotte, if that is you in your avatar, you are stunningly beautiful. )
Yes...that is me. And thank you!
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Old 11-13-2013, 08:40 AM   #12
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agoudaria hit the nail on the head, it's cognitive dissonance and we're wired to avoid it.

Tad, I understand what you're saying, but it goes so much deeper than a simple difference in preference. I can't speak for anyone else, but for me it's trying to reconcile the fact that while I adore fat on a partner, it's wonderful and soft and cuddly and sexy, I hate it on myself. My partner being fat is a good thing, a positive thing. Fat on me is bad, it's wrong, it's disgusting, it means I'm unattractive, I'm less than, it makes me want to cut myself because if I gain weight I deserve to be hurt. It's confusing and painful to feel both those things at once. It's hard on my partner to see me hate my body and myself for something I like in them. It's hard to have someone believe that you like their fat when you loath your own. I sometimes feel guilty for liking when someone gains weight because I know that it would make me miserable.
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Old 11-13-2013, 10:00 AM   #13
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I think it's really great that this has been brought up. Thanks, Terpsichore! Glad you de-lurked

While I agree a lot with what Tad has said, I thought I'd just kinda chronicle the ways in which I can relate and how I feel about this personally, instead of 'arguing a particular point.'

So, yes, I certainly have that different standard too in terms of how I view fat on myself vs. on a partner. For me, quite a bit of that is healthy and fine, and I don't feel bad about it at all. In terms of my attraction to BHMs, size difference is a big part of that, so because I want to enjoy the experience fully, I prefer skinny-ness on myself.

There's another reason for that, that I think is 'ok' too - I have something called Developmental Coordination Disorder (or Dyspraxia). As the name would suggest, my motor coordination is not *completely developed to the adult level. I often appear clumsy, or just kinda childlike in my movements. I feel like being skinny makes a humungous difference to how I come across aesthetically when I move. Like, it's hard enough sometimes keeping a 'normal' posture - nevermind a 'good' one - when I'm skinny.

I grew up naturally being really thin and started gaining weight at university. That went on for about seven years and I got rather chubby until I started getting it back down closer to my pre-college weight. The 'dieting' process (I don't like calling it that, really) was quite a gradual, stable and healthy one, I felt. I actually enjoyed every second of it, including the eating and occasional 'treating' (way better than saying 'cheating,' right?) Until........I started comparing my body to another woman's, for fear that I would lose the attraction of someone I really liked. That's when you start finding yourself in murky waters. And as irony would have it, it reallllly stunted my weight loss progress too.

I'm trying to get over the hump of that now and get back to that place of walking my *own journey and being content with the results.

TL;DR: I have some unhealthy body image attitudes to get over too, but in principle, I don't feel bad about having different preferences for myself than I do for a partner.
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Old 11-13-2013, 10:12 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lille View Post
I sometimes feel guilty for liking when someone gains weight because I know that it would make me miserable.
First: I'm not trying to comment on dealing with an eating disorder or body dysmorphia issues. Those are huge challenges, and I'm sure they effect every part of your life. So, I'm recognizing that those may change how you view many things, and I'm not trying to tell you how you should feel or how you should think.

What I am saying is that liking different things for your partner and yourself does not have to be a source of guilt, as I see the world. Maybe for you it IS a source of guilt, or of really unpleasant cognitive dissonance. Maybe your preferred solution is to change one end of that thing to avoid this mis-match, and that is fine--whatever helps you live your life in a good way, I'm all for. BUT, I am saying that, generically, it is possible to wish things for your partner that you don't want at all for yourself, and not feel horrible about it, or to put it another way that--at least for many people--this does not have to be dissonant, and that one possible exit from the dissonance, at least for some, may be to change one's premises in such a way that these feelings are not dissonant.

But, granting that this can be a sensitive topic, and I'm coming at it from a very different point of view than the people at whom this thread is aimed, I'm not going to preach this viewpoint beyond this.
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Old 11-13-2013, 10:46 AM   #15
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Even apart from this thread, I've seen this issue come up a fair amount. I wouldn't say that I've ever had an eating disorder - I actually really enjoy cooking/anything related to food, so I've maintained a pretty good relationship with it. But I was raised in a way that was conducive to body issues, I think. My dad would always fire off little bromides advising me to not gain weight or no one would be be interested in me, and he's always been...well...a complete ass towards fat people. Including my mom. I distinctly remember over-hearing them talking about the idea of a diet when I was maybe...8 or 9. I've dealt with my fair share of self-consciousness over related issues.

Moving on...there's absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to a different body type when it comes to a partner, be them of the opposite or same sex. It can be horrifically inconvenient or negative to deal with, but I suppose that's just a part of life? In one of my first serious relationships, I was fairly self-conscious about revealing my preferences...so as luck would have it, my then-boyfriend started losing weight for me :| When I finally did tell him what I liked, he decided that he didn't want to stop dieting...but also decided HE was a bit of an FA and wanted me to gain weight. It ended up leading to the demise of one of my best relationships otherwise - I felt so bad about it I ended up...finally joining Dims. But it's helped me to really appreciate relationships where that contrast is enjoyed. I think anyone here would argue that a fat person shouldn't feel bad about being attracted to someone thin...so why vice versa?

I want to throw one more thing out there, in addition to all the lovely points/explanations that've been offered. Does anyone else find there to be a bit of a control aspect? I can admit that I'm a bit of a control freak - I enjoy having free reign over my choices and decisions...and in a more extreme sense, leaving things up to other people can make me hugely uncomfortable. In group projects, I'm typically the one who will take on most of the work. If people are drinking/using substances, I'm always the one who will take care of things/people if needed. Basically, I like the fact that there's nothing that really overtakes my willpower, and occasionally that's translated to my body image. But sexually speaking (as in, I'm still not a fan of irresponsibility,) I'm a sucker for lack of control in others? It's nothing within the realm of BDSM or whatnot - I suppose it's just exciting seeing someone do something that I personally refuse/am not really okay with. I've always wondered if that was part of the FFA thing, part of my own control thing...or just some entirely tangled mess.
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Old 11-13-2013, 02:57 PM   #16
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Amaranthine, your last paragraph makes a lot of sense; I'm the same way re: wanting to be in control- and then also being fascinated and attracted to people doing hedonistic things.

ODFFA, also relate a lot to what you wrote about the coordination issue and how being thin just makes things easier. I don't have dyspraxia but i do come off as very childlike in general- looks, personality, mannerisms, etc. for me being of an average weight just doesn't look right. i definitely have the thought process that Tad mentioned, where i think most people look way better if they're heavier- whether i'm attracted to them in 'that way' or not. but occasionally there are people who just can't carry extra weight and pull it off without looking uncomfortable.

re: media and advertising and being conditioned to think that fat = bad...i was homeschooled until college, and raised in an eco-village surrounded by bookish academics, artists/musicians, professors, naturalists, etc. No one even cared about if their clothes matched, much less about anyone's size. And we didn't have TV, movies, mainstream music, women's magazines, celebrity tabloids, etc.

so, that explains why I have a thing for delightfully plump absent-minded professors who are 20+ years older than me , but having not grown up exposed to media except for the odd billboards in metro stations (and those would always trigger a lecture from the adult i was with on how advertising is Designed To Manipulate You), I honestly didn't get conditioned by anyone else to think that being fat was a bad thing. and yet i've had eating disordered tendencies since i was in elementary school. And I've had crushes on fat guys since about then too. In middle school/high school the object of my affections was an obese ginger. siiiiigh.
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Old 11-13-2013, 04:13 PM   #17
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I have experienced quite a bit of this. seems as if a lot of ffa like fat only on others. I can understand as a bhm who likes both thin and fat women but entirely different ways. sometimes it makes me feel bisexual. not in a gender context. anyway. thanks for sharing.
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Old 11-13-2013, 06:12 PM   #18
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hi from a former lurker. mostly visits to this forum just consisted of me reading posts and being like 'omg i thought it was just me but it's not!'

so lately i've been feeling like a hypocrite and a bad person, because i'm a FFA and also anorexic. i know i have a total double standard - drooling over chubby guys while at the same time hating myself and wanting to crawl out of my skin if i'm at a 'normal' weight. i feel bad about it, but at the same time i don't know why i feel bad- it's not like i choose what's attractive to me. And i've tried dating guys of all shapes and sizes, because sometimes i was attracted to a guy because of personality, or because he had a gorgeous smile, or because he was funny or musically talented, etc. But legit physical/sexual attraction is just never there unless a guy is at least slightly overweight.

i honestly don't think one has much to do with the other. i guarantee i would still swoon over fat guys and abercrombie models would still leave me cold and a bit grossed out, even if i magically woke up tomorrow completely cured of any and all ED'ed thoughts. and it's 100% genuine attraction (ok, more like pure unmitigated lust ); i'm not and never have been into using other people- fat or thin, real-life or internet pictures- as ED 'triggers'.

yesterday i was in class and there was this one guy who was so incredibly gorgeous i had to will myself not to stare at him like a creep; he looked like he belonged in a Renaissance painting where beautifully soft voluptuous creatures lounge on velvet and drink wine. worse yet, at one point we were playing a game where we all stood in a circle and tossed a beach ball to each other. (it's a class for teaching English and the ball had questions and conversation-starters written all over it.) whenever he reached to grab an errant ball and his shirt lifted up, i was blushing furiously and my concentration was just gone.

then we took a break for lunch and i must have been more obvious about flirting with him than i thought, because he asked for my number. he didn't actually eat anything on break and said he was on a diet and wanted to lose weight, and of course in my head i was like wtf nooooo, you can't do that, you're fucking perfect right now! then feeling like a total hypocrite because obviously i want to lose weight too, and will resort to some pretty unhealthy measures to do so, and it doesn't matter if other people think i'm fine as-is. so i feel bad for wanting someone else to be fat when i'm clearly not okay with that for myself at all.

idk. anyone else relate? how do you deal with feeling like this?
I relate. Anorexic for 14 years.
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Old 11-29-2013, 04:02 PM   #19
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hypocrisy is an overrated sin. you have your reasons even if pathological for wanting to lose weight, he has his unfortunately. the reason you dont want his weight loss has nothing to do with your desire to lose weight.

hypocrisy is only bad when its a scenario where both persons should definately be given the same treatment/judgement ect. this is dont think is such case. this is sexuality after all.

keep us updated on your progress with reluctant chub
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Old 11-29-2013, 05:28 PM   #20
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I absolutely love bigger guys, but I myself am struggling with bulimia at the moment. I know, ridiculous. There's just something wrong with myself that I need to fix. You're not alone.
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Old 01-29-2014, 04:40 PM   #21
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You are totally not alone on that one. I used to be anorexic and I still have a super unhealthy relationship with food yet love huge guys. Logically, it makes no sense. It leaves me CONSTANTLY second guessing myself about feeding my husband because I know how unhappy food makes me and I'd hate to be making him feel that way. He assures me that he doesn't though, but yeah.
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Old 01-31-2014, 07:58 PM   #22
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i always found it bizarrely erotic when a girl with a minor eating disorder/slightly underweight liking a bigger guy. i think it stem from the fact alot of the very thin women (not as in petite asian builts but underweight) have this disapproving reaction of disgust to fat men. its like an underweight woman who know she prefers fat men despite her eating disorder has an empowering relationship with herself even despite her problems.

i think it takes a special kind of lady, even if subconsciously to look at your opposite, and admire it. on a less cerebral level, i think this i the basis of the appeal of the big guy/petite girl contrast for many of us.

P.S hegel has invaded my perversions XD
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Old 02-01-2014, 05:17 AM   #23
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Are eating orders something that one grows out of (no pun intended) as you get older? I never hear about people in their 40's having such a condition....just curious.
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Old 02-01-2014, 05:34 AM   #24
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Are eating orders something that one grows out of (no pun intended) as you get older? I never hear about people in their 40's having such a condition....just curious.
People wrestle with minor/milder forms of their disorder their whole life. They just don't talk about it publicly and you wouldn't know it just by looking at them.

Some people manage to get things under control as they get older. Some are forced to, because of mounting health problems.

Sadly, some people with extremely severe disorders who never get them under control may not see 40.
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Old 02-04-2014, 11:14 AM   #25
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Are eating orders something that one grows out of (no pun intended) as you get older? I never hear about people in their 40's having such a condition....just curious.
You know, I had the same question a while ago. I collaborated with a researcher who studied molecular mechanisms underlying eating disorders and some of her work overlapped with mine - she said that EDs don't tend to precipitate past the early 30's, and symptoms generally fade with age, provided that the ED was not so severe as to cause death (they normally do not reach that level).
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