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Old 11-29-2013, 01:13 PM   #1
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Default slightly confused FA + conflicted BBW foodee

Hello guys, I wanted to share my relationship story/situation with you to get some outside perspective, because I don't really have anyone to talk about it with. I'll try to cut things short, because if I started my usual storytelling you'd fall asleep in the middle at best :P. So, here it is, in points, to facilitate being brief:

1. I am a FA, who is somewhat excited by female weight gain and love of food. I'm not a feeder, I don't have feeder fantasies, but I do like cooking for my lady and giving her treats whenever she wants it. I guess some might call me an enabler.

2. My significant other, with whom I've been for over 6 years now and to whom I've been married for over a year now, is a BBW and a foodee. She loves good healthy food and eats more "junky" foods in true moderation (a pizza a week at most and a bit of sweet treats every other day). She likes bigger (but not huge) portions sometimes, but most of the time she likes them the same size as mine (and I stick to rather average ones).

She seemingly has "fat" genes in her family, since quite a number of people in it are fat. Her family has also a history of insulin related problems (up to type II diabetes in more severe cases), but in her case this comes down to slight insulin resistance (slight enough not be confirmed by blood glucose tests). Moreover, two years ago she has developed hypothyroidism after a certain viral infection, but this has been under control for the last year and now she feels good again.

As for her weight, she has been chubby and the fat basically all her life, starting at 5-6 y.o., and has been gaining steadily until we met, when she was 185 lbs or so. Sometimes before that she had short periods when she did not gain and once, after a severe diet paired with exercises, which lasted 2 months, she lost... 2 lbs. After that experience she basically quit any attempts to lose weight actively. After we met she continued gaining, and perhaps it even increased a bit, because she knew from the very beginning that I'm an FA and won't mind if that happens (at the very least). So it was going like 5-8 lbs a year for the first 4 years, but then she got that infection and for a year was not aware, that her thyroid started malfunctioning. So during that year she gained like 20 lbs. At the beginning of 2013 she was diagnosed and put on thyroid medication, and lost 10 lbs within 2-3 months, but I suppose it was mostly water weight, as she stopped being swollen after starting medication and, since then, she regained almost all the weight that she lost, being 230 lbs now.

3. Why is she conflicted? Well, she basically is ok with being a big girl and, frankly, is more accepting of herself now than those 40 lbs ago. However, what frustrates her is the fact that she can't lose weight even if she really wanted to. Or maybe I should actually say, the consequences of going onto a straight diet or exercise regimen cause her to drop any such plans after a month (optimistically) or a week (in most past situations I observed). I do not discourage her to do it or, rather, I have not discouraged her until recently, when she told me she is not frustrated that much by the gain itself but by her failure to control her body and lose weight. The truth is, her conditions combined (slight insulin resistance + hypothyroidism) make it very hard to lose weight without very strong will, motivation and sacrifice. And for someone who loves food, especially Italian, I guess it's even harder. So, after her last breakdown I suggested that she should stop trying to lose weight, as it frustrates her even further and leads to an even faster gain when she gives up the diet and makes up for the days of being hungry, and just attempt to maintain it or at least slow it down to almost a halt, like 1-2 lbs a year, which would be possible without going all nazi on food and going to the gym. So now she just has a piece of cake much less often, we agreed on not having pizza more often than once in 3-4 weeks and we go on walks more often, and plan to hit the swimming pool soon too. I told her if it results in any weight loss - great, that means she can control it, if not - great too, its still under control and not going up into the range which she might find uncomfortable. And if it keeps growing, but slower - then it's still an improvement and at least she'll be fat and healthy. So it's been a week and I guess she feels more at peace then ever, but I guess we need more time to see how all of this will turn out.

4. Why am I confused? Well, the above reasoning I have shown was made with best intentions, but I do like her big, I like those extra 40some lbs she put on since we met and I'm wondering, whether I'm doing the right thing or just something that puts her at ease while I retain the pleasure of looking at and caressing her full (and potentially even fuller) figure. I know she hates diets and heavy exercising and loves food, so this minimum approach that I suggested is convenient for her for sure, but is it the best? I mean, I also told her that if despite the actions taken there occur any worrying symptoms that might be attributed to her weight, I will support her with losing weight even to the point of holding her on course at the moments of weakness or doubt, and I mean it, but I'm still having second thought. It was the first time that I actually discouraged her from trying to lose weight. Earlier I was very rigid about not doing that, because I never wanted her to feel like I want her to get bigger - just made her feel good in whatever size she was at the moment.

I guess that's most of it... I'd be happy to hear some opinions about this whole situation. If anyone has any questions in order to clarify something, I'll do my best to answer them.
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Old 11-30-2013, 12:26 AM   #2
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That was a great post. Pretty clear and heartfelt, and I for one really can tell how much genuine care and love you have for your wife. I can be wordy too! ... but I will likewise spare you and get right to the meat and potatoes (mmm ) of my candid opinion.

I've found myself in similar conflicts to yours in the past. I'm very well educated, scholastically as well as casually, on physical fitness and nutrition and it can be a conflict of interests wanting both partners to enjoy the food and fatness while also being healthy. It's tortured me for weeks on end at times. I logically have no objective resolution for it, because the fact of the matter is that everyone will arrive at a different conclusion. Some will say that health and "quality of life" is paramount and that good diet and exercise is something to emphasize as much as possible. Others will say screw it, you only live once and it's not like you're going full Supersize Me, you just both agree to head in the direction the Weight Wind is blowing and indulge a little and have some fun!

My lingering question is that I wasn't entirely clear if she is aware how much you enjoy the extra weight she's put on. I'm a big advocate of being 110% honest and having that discussion with your significant other, especially in a marriage and a young marriage at that. My personal advice, because this is what I've done, is to have the conversation with her to resolve this between you two, with all the cards on the table. It's both your relationship and marriage, but she's the one living in her body and she shouldn't feel pressured to either (a) let herself go for your pleasure, or suppress her want for indulgence over fear of worrying you to death over her health. Talk over all the concerns you both have and decide what you'll be happiest with... playing it safe but enjoying the little unavoidable gains together... indulging more and going cautiously with the flow... or maybe resolving to tighten up on the fitness and get that peace of mind.

I hope that helps some!
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Old 11-30-2013, 06:45 AM   #3
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Hi, I'm also a (wordy) FA married to a folder, so a lot of sympathy here.

All I really have to say is that maybe it is good to be conflicted, to always have to question your own motives. It may be tiring, but I think it helps keep one honest.

Good luck with finding your own middle ground.
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Old 11-30-2013, 10:38 AM   #4
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Thanks for your input guys . Like I said, it's nice to discuss matters while keeping them 100% real and with someone who has also been there and done that and I'm glad I can finally do it.

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Originally Posted by Extinctor100 View Post
I've found myself in similar conflicts to yours in the past. I'm very well educated, scholastically as well as casually, on physical fitness and nutrition and it can be a conflict of interests wanting both partners to enjoy the food and fatness while also being healthy. It's tortured me for weeks on end at times. I logically have no objective resolution for it, because the fact of the matter is that everyone will arrive at a different conclusion. Some will say that health and "quality of life" is paramount and that good diet and exercise is something to emphasize as much as possible. Others will say screw it, you only live once and it's not like you're going full Supersize Me, you just both agree to head in the direction the Weight Wind is blowing and indulge a little and have some fun!
Well the quality of life is exactly what I have in mind. I mean, in was my wife herself who said that she can't imagine having to be on constant diet and exercise regimen. She simply doesn't want to live that way. But she also doesn't want to go all voracious and get huge. I even told her that maybe she could try eating more protein, because that actually works for me - I am very satiated when I eat more meat and therefore I haven't felt hungry for a month, while she ate the same dinners (and sizes thereof) as I did, just with much less meat than I did, and she was getting hungry even 2 hours after dinner, while I sometimes skipped supper due to still not being hungry. There are other protein sources of course, but she is not a fan of most of them. And I guess her slight insulin resistance is what contributes to this hunger, especially since her meals have a larger proportions of carbs. But she won't add more meat to her meals - simply because she doesn't like it too much. And lean dairy is much harder to incorporate into dinner, at least from what I noticed.

It's often a problem with her, that she wants A instead of B, but A requires C, and she is not willing to do C to get A, but doesn't want B either. We run into a wall sometimes in such cases and she has to blow off a lot of steam to finally settle for B (because it's what she usually chooses instead of doing C to get A). The problem is that after some time the problem reappears and we hit the same wall again. The good thing is that such reappearances occur mostly during THOSE days and some more stressful situations and a week later we are back to the usual routine.

Right now I'm waiting to see what happens this time, but there are already first signs of her returning to her "standard" eating habits (which are, like I said before, not really unhealthy, but will more than surely result in weight gain). For example, she was making dinner today (tasty!) and made us quite big portions, even though she could just put 1/2 of it on the plates and leave the rest for later. Afterwards she said casually that it was too much, but it she didn't really sound regretful and I could tell she is happy with having a full belly.

Quote:
My lingering question is that I wasn't entirely clear if she is aware how much you enjoy the extra weight she's put on. I'm a big advocate of being 110% honest and having that discussion with your significant other, especially in a marriage and a young marriage at that. My personal advice, because this is what I've done, is to have the conversation with her to resolve this between you two, with all the cards on the table. It's both your relationship and marriage, but she's the one living in her body and she shouldn't feel pressured to either (a) let herself go for your pleasure, or suppress her want for indulgence over fear of worrying you to death over her health. Talk over all the concerns you both have and decide what you'll be happiest with... playing it safe but enjoying the little unavoidable gains together... indulging more and going cautiously with the flow... or maybe resolving to tighten up on the fitness and get that peace of mind.
She is aware of it. I mean, not more than a month ago I told her that I was very excited when she crossed 220 lbs (this number doesn't sound special but where we live, we use kilos, and 220 lbs is approximately 100 kilos - so she basically entered three digit weight territory then) just before our marriage. I also told her that I did not expect her to get as big as she is now, but I do love it and her body looks and feels to me the best ever.

So yeah, we basically had the conversation you are talking about and the only thing I did not tell her about is my fantasies or perhaps semi-serious dreams (not expectations!) regarding her weight. And I guess you can understand why I chose not to include that, and I actually had several reasons. First of all - I don't feel any real need to see her any heavier, as she is already so hot I'm close to having the same problems that those who suffer from priapism do . Especially since I have another "unusual interest" about which she knows and she actually does a lot to satisfy my urges and fantasies when it comes to it. And he second thing is that I simply don't want her to misunderstand it as a restrained expectation or something like that or feel pressured in any way - especially since she does love me at least as much as I love her and I know that after initial rejection of the idea it is not totally impossible that she would actually stop trying to lose or maintain weight just to satisfy those fantasies of mine. And this is a scenario I prefer to leave for fantasies alone.

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I hope that helps some!
It sure does . Thanks again!

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Originally Posted by Tad View Post
All I really have to say is that maybe it is good to be conflicted, to always have to question your own motives. It may be tiring, but I think it helps keep one honest.
I think you are right. To be honest I don't really expect to stop being conflicted and it's not what I seek. I mean, it would be fun to don't have any second thoughts about all of it, but it's not going to happen. Unless by some supernatural or technical miracle it will become possible to be fat without any real impact on health :P.

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Good luck with finding your own middle ground.
Thanks, 6 years and still trying .
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Old 11-30-2013, 06:45 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Extinctor100 View Post
That was a great post. Pretty clear and heartfelt, and I for one really can tell how much genuine care and love you have for your wife. I can be wordy too! ... but I will likewise spare you and get right to the meat and potatoes (mmm ) of my candid opinion.

I've found myself in similar conflicts to yours in the past. I'm very well educated, scholastically as well as casually, on physical fitness and nutrition and it can be a conflict of interests wanting both partners to enjoy the food and fatness while also being healthy. It's tortured me for weeks on end at times. I logically have no objective resolution for it, because the fact of the matter is that everyone will arrive at a different conclusion. Some will say that health and "quality of life" is paramount and that good diet and exercise is something to emphasize as much as possible. Others will say screw it, you only live once and it's not like you're going full Supersize Me, you just both agree to head in the direction the Weight Wind is blowing and indulge a little and have some fun!

My lingering question is that I wasn't entirely clear if she is aware how much you enjoy the extra weight she's put on. I'm a big advocate of being 110% honest and having that discussion with your significant other, especially in a marriage and a young marriage at that. My personal advice, because this is what I've done, is to have the conversation with her to resolve this between you two, with all the cards on the table. It's both your relationship and marriage, but she's the one living in her body and she shouldn't feel pressured to either (a) let herself go for your pleasure, or suppress her want for indulgence over fear of worrying you to death over her health. Talk over all the concerns you both have and decide what you'll be happiest with... playing it safe but enjoying the little unavoidable gains together... indulging more and going cautiously with the flow... or maybe resolving to tighten up on the fitness and get that peace of mind.

I hope that helps some!
Well said.

I can't really add much but I will say it sounds as though you two have a strong, healthy relationship. Stay honest about your feelings, and encourage her to do what makes her feel best. Make sure she knows you love her either way. Exercise is a good thing no matter what your weight, so maybe having some kind of activity you can do together would be a good idea. Have fun!
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Old 12-01-2013, 10:39 AM   #6
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Well said.

I can't really add much but I will say it sounds as though you two have a strong, healthy relationship. Stay honest about your feelings, and encourage her to do what makes her feel best. Make sure she knows you love her either way. Exercise is a good thing no matter what your weight, so maybe having some kind of activity you can do together would be a good idea. Have fun!
Well, she's actually my first REAL relationship, as well as sexual partner, and I'm trying to do everything for it to endure until the day I die. It hasn't been a moral or religious choice on my part - I just never was good at courtship and before her I was just dating two girls for a short period in each case, but without any long-term success and without it even becoming intimate enough to make love. But once I met my wife, I finally felt this kind of mind-link I never felt before, paired with desire and attraction, so things developed quite fast, but since none of us two is hot-headed, it took us a while to decide to get married. But we both think now that it was the best decision of our lives.

I think I have already managed to make her feel secure when it comes to loving her no matter which weight-related choices she makes. It was an issue during the first two years (she was anxious that she is "not big enough", despite my best efforts at proving it is not so), but now things are fine. Actually, even today we had some talk on the matter and I told her that I never basically expected her to change in any way and that even if I had some ideas or fantasies, I never considered them becoming real as a necessity. I think over the last several months we became closer than even to each other and definitely more honest about certain things, which we were anxious to discuss earlier.

As for exercise, we try to walk a lot, and in warmer months we ride bikes a lot. But now that Winter is Coming (tm) we obviously exercise less. However, we agreed on trying to visit the swimming pool more often in spring. We'll see how that goes. Fortunately there always remains the good old bed-fun for building up some stamina .
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:54 PM   #7
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I think you are right. To be honest I don't really expect to stop being conflicted and it's not what I seek. I mean, it would be fun to don't have any second thoughts about all of it, but it's not going to happen. Unless by some supernatural or technical miracle it will become possible to be fat without any real impact on health :P.

Thanks, 6 years and still trying .
Based on those comments..... you are are least fairly awesome

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Well, she's actually my first REAL relationship, as well as sexual partner, and I'm trying to do everything for it to endure until the day I die. It hasn't been a moral or religious choice on my part - I just never was good at courtship and before her I was just dating two girls for a short period in each case, but without any long-term success and without it even becoming intimate enough to make love. But once I met my wife, I finally felt this kind of mind-link I never felt before, paired with desire and attraction, so things developed quite fast, but since none of us two is hot-headed, it took us a while to decide to get married. But we both think now that it was the best decision of our lives..
Almost exactly my story, too. I don't think broad experience is always necessary in relationships, so long as you both are good with that. (at least, we've managed over 19 years of marriage so far.....)


Quote:
As for exercise, we try to walk a lot, and in warmer months we ride bikes a lot. But now that Winter is Coming (tm) we obviously exercise less. However, we agreed on trying to visit the swimming pool more often in spring. We'll see how that goes. Fortunately there always remains the good old bed-fun for building up some stamina .
We tend to be much the same, but as we've gotten older have found we need something more than walking and shoveling snow in the winter. It is not the most exciting thing in the world, but we got one of those 'trainers' that you can mount your own bicycle on to make a stationary bike, and we both use it some each day (at least most days) when outdoor biking isn't so possible. Over time you lose fitness more quickly, and regain it more slowly, so what we could get away with in our thirties is not so much the case in our forties. Anyway, another option, should either of you want some more exercise, but not want to have to go to a gym or the like.
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Old 12-02-2013, 08:55 PM   #8
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I think each individual has to take responsibility for their own body.

You might like her bigger, but she might need to be smaller.

or vice versa

I know I can't diet. I just can't. I decided that I would eat whatever I want whenever I want, but not as much as I want.

Since I made that decision my weight has stabalized at 250lbs
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Old 12-05-2013, 05:40 AM   #9
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Almost exactly my story, too. I don't think broad experience is always necessary in relationships, so long as you both are good with that. (at least, we've managed over 19 years of marriage so far.....)
Well in our case we both didn't have any significant experience in relationships (and basically none in sex either) and despite that everything went fine and both our relationship as a whole and its intimate side are as good as I could ever imagine. I guess the key element is to "fit" each other - and this requires a bit of luck sometimes. We have that luck, it seems .

As for the health and exercising issues... She has had blood lipid profile done a few days ago and despite having really nice HDL levels, she unfortunately also has high trigycerides and LDL. So some more exercising will be a necessity it seems, together with some changes in diet, although I guess we'll try to focus on quality rather than quantity.
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Old 12-11-2013, 08:30 AM   #10
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UPDATE: during the last few days we tried to reduce the animal fat intake (other than fish-based), so less butter, less fat cheese and so on. However, she totally abandoned any other diet ideas - for the last 3 days we've been eating very Italian - pastas, home-made pizza and lots of olive oil everywhere. She basically told me to not hold olive oil back because she likes it so much.

So yeah, we're basically doing it the healthier way, but it seems like she's not trying to stop gaining in any way. Still, at the same time she often says things that indicate that she is anxious about getting bigger and if I happen to say anything even distantly related to that, she acts ashamed and worried. Not sure what to think about it... But I guess that might mean that next time she weighs herself or takes measures for some online shopping some drama may take place again... :/
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Old 12-11-2013, 10:11 AM   #11
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Are you familiar with the concept of cognitive dissonance? Basically that having two warring ideas in your head at the same time is uncomfortable and tiring, so typically we try to choose one, kick out the other, and get to mentally relax.

Sounds like your wife could be hitting this--with a mix of loving food, knowing that you like her big, but dealing with all the negatives we hear about fat. That much of the time she has kicked away the negative thoughts and is at peace, but that as soon as she gets reminded, boom, the mental war is raging again.

If this is the case, much of the distress that you see when reminded of how big she is could be the stress of being in a state of cognitive dissonance, rather than distress at her size per se. FWIW I think this could be in large part responsible for the classic behavior of people who realize they are over-indulging, promise to start a diet or hit the gym tomorrow, but donít really follow through. At the time of making that commitment they get out of the cognitive dissonance to some degree (Iím not really over-doing it, because Iím going to balance this out), but after the fact to follow through would require actually getting back into that state because it requires remembering that they over-ate (or whatever) and embracing that enough to take action based on it.

Now, Iím not saying that cognitive dissonance is badóearlier in this thread we discussed how having to continually evaluate your motives and decisions can keep you honest. But it can also motivate people to make very short-term decisions in order to get out of it.

No real conclusion or advice in this post, just suggesting a different way you could think about events, to see if it fits with youíre feeling about it all.
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Old 12-12-2013, 08:11 AM   #12
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I know the concept, thought I can't say I have any detailed knowledge on it. But what you have written here makes a lot of sense. Especially since there are days on which she feels downright happy that she can "gain weight and not worry", and there are others when she is very fixated on the idea of getting under 100 kilos again. Although I must say that after our recent talk (the one about controlling or stopping the gain instead of trying to lose weight) she hasn't mentioned losing weight at all. As far as I know her, even if she thought about diet previously, she probably reasoned to herself that there is no point in any dieting during the Xmas period. So I just try to keep her on course with healthier fats and carbs, at least when it's my turn to cook, and as far as portions go, when she cooks they are as big as usual, so when I cook I don't cut them either.

I mean, if the qualitative change will make her healthier while not stopping or even slowing the gain at all, that's all ok with me. Hell, like I said before, I do have fantasies of her getting bigger, so as long as she is happy and healthy, if she gains I couldn't be a happier guy. I'm just a bit worried that she might get low on the mood again once she realizes the she has gained again. Fortunately, the last time that happened she told me not to worry that much about it and considering that 3 days later she was feeling as good as ever and even was in the mood for some lovemaking, I guess I should just follow her word on it. Especially since this drama has always been happenning once or twice a year, when she jumps onto the scales after a longer break, and despite her getting bigger each time, it is not getting worse. Hell, it actually got better - like I said it's now 3 days and she's back to normal - earlier it could be 2 weeks.

Also, recently, when we were lying in bed together just before sleeping, she asked me, out of the blue, if I really don't mind her being that fat and I said (again) that not at all and that I actually love it and I think she never looked as beautiful as now. She seemed happy to hear that and even giggled when I fondled her belly rolls. I guess that's a positive sign too.
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Old 01-05-2014, 05:21 AM   #13
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Well, my wife and I have had a very similar experience in our marriage. I know she loves to eat and she knows she loves to eat. Basically, I have found that the more I open up to her the happier we are. This means that more often I tell her what excites me, what I like, what I think about her. This gives her all kinds of confidence, which is ultimately the root of most FA desires: a wife who is your dream woman and isn't ashamed despite the social 'norm.' I find myself in a constant campaign to remind her that most people are out to make everyone else like themselves. Her and I should just be who we are and enjoy it because worrying won't add a single moment to your life. Her face lights up when I remind her these things and her double mindedness that Tad spoke of goes away. Just keep loving her and opening up more and more. Don't be ashamed of who you are, use it to make your relationship closer than ever! Hope that helps =0)
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Old 01-05-2014, 03:01 PM   #14
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You can love some one that doesn't love themselves but it sucks.

Everyone goes through periods of self doubt. Its important that you not stand in her way of accomplishing what she wants.

Just make sure you aren't an excuse for her to give up on those goals either.

If I were you I would be as supportive as possible. If she brings it up offer to join a gym with her or take a yoga classes. Do something that shows her you are committed and supportive but most of all involves you two doing something about it together.

Exercise makes people feel happy. It has been known to regulate mood and cure depression. It's how I've been dealing with depression and ADHD all my life and to be honest I can't imagine my life with out it.

Weight isn't lost in the gym, its lost in the kitchen. You can spend eight hours a day on a treadmill running seven miles an hour and still not lose weight if your calories in > calories out.

If after a while she decides she isn't actually interested in weight loss then she can't hold you up as an external reason for it. You also won't be able to blame yourself.

Weather she loses weight or not you will both feel better about yourselves and your relationship.
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Old 01-14-2014, 01:23 PM   #15
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Well, we do have a plan to start going to the swimming pool together, so I guess it might help a bit.

And opening up works too, things are even better between us since the last time we spoke openly. There is very little that I withhold to myself now.

And another possibly positive thing - yesterday she said she feels uncomfortable showing me her belly rolls when sitting. I asked why she feels so bad about them and asked her if she felt better about them if she lost weight and they were smaller. She said yes, so I said that since she wants to lose weight anyway, this might improve that bit too. And then a funny thing happened. She suddenly said something along the lines of: "It's not that I hate them or something. I accept them. It's just that don't find them beautiful like you do. They just are there, period, and I'm glad that you like them. Besides if I felt that bad about them I'd try losing weight for real, because you can see how my weight loss is going."

I guess I should mention here, that she doesn't really do anything to lose weight. To be honest, I wouldn't even say she does anything to maintain weight recently - she asks me to cook big dinners and snacks a bit on sweets between meals.

Despite that, she weighed herself a few days ago and said she lost 1.5 kg (3 lbs) compared to when she last weighed herself. To be honest, I was surprised, especially since last time she weighed was at the beginning of December and the whole last week of the year was filled with food to such an extent I wanted to actually feel an empty stomach and I wasn't eating more than her during that time. I was even more surprised because I could swear her belly rolls have grown a bit. Either she got something wrong or something weird happened - perhaps something to do with water retention, since her last weigh-in was a few days after her period ended.

The general impression I'm getting from her recently is that she doesn't really want to lose weight. It looks like she has these few moments when she feels she should lose weight, but then she finds no motivation and goes as usual. Even when I started to cut calories after Christmas to give my stomach a rest, she didn't really tag along. So I'm still a bit confused, but I can't say things are bad :P.
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Old 06-01-2014, 03:02 AM   #16
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Well, a little update on the situation: she is still somewhat conflicted and during last months she wanted to try cutting her portions a bit and excluding snacks completely. And for some strange reason she actually gained during that time. Actually, 5 lbs during the last 3 months. Either her metabolism is acting weird (especially weird since she is not feeling any lack of energy as is quite active recently) or she is snacking a good bit when at work. Not that I complain - she is as lovely as before if not more, but I'm a bit puzzled by the situation.
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Old 06-01-2014, 05:04 AM   #17
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Well, a little update on the situation: she is still somewhat conflicted and during last months she wanted to try cutting her portions a bit and excluding snacks completely. And for some strange reason she actually gained during that time. Actually, 5 lbs during the last 3 months. Either her metabolism is acting weird (especially weird since she is not feeling any lack of energy as is quite active recently) or she is snacking a good bit when at work. Not that I complain - she is as lovely as before if not more, but I'm a bit puzzled by the situation.
Okay, that is unusual. There are only two explanations that come to mind really, that she is eating somewhere else (like you said) or that there is something wrong with her metabolism. I have only scanned this thread (sorry) but didn't you mention that she had hypo-thyroidism? Does she have regular blood tests to assess whether or not her medication is working effectively? I don't mean to worry you or anything but my mother has hypo-thyrodism as well and when her thyroxine levels are low I have seen her literally eat one meal of salad per day and still gain weight. Just a thought.
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Old 06-01-2014, 11:10 AM   #18
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Okay, that is unusual. There are only two explanations that come to mind really, that she is eating somewhere else (like you said) or that there is something wrong with her metabolism. I have only scanned this thread (sorry) but didn't you mention that she had hypo-thyroidism? Does she have regular blood tests to assess whether or not her medication is working effectively? I don't mean to worry you or anything but my mother has hypo-thyrodism as well and when her thyroxine levels are low I have seen her literally eat one meal of salad per day and still gain weight. Just a thought.
Yes, she is hypothyroid but she is on meds and according to her last tests they are working well and her TSH is within normal levels. That's why I mentioned her energy levels are good - previously when her levels were off she was immediately feeling tired and unmotivated. Moreover, this is not water retention for sure. She was measuring herself recently and her dimensions have changed as well - in hips and belly mostly, so it's definitely a gain.

I wouldn't say she's eating one salad meal a day and that's it, but she definitely eats less than before and she gained during 3 months what she used to gain within a year. Well, except for the time when she was hypothyroid and not on medication but even then her gain was mostly water and once she got the meds she lost about 12 lbs within 3 months. But afterwards she stopped losing and her weight continued to creep up the same way as before she got hypothyroid symptoms, that is, 5-7 lbs a year. But starting from this year's January she gained almost 10 lbs in total. It looks great on her, but she is concerned about it, especially the rate at which it happens and that it happens despite her efforts. Unless, of course, she snacks when I'm not there to see it, but that would be weird since she knows I like her big and I like her appetite so I would definitely not mind.

Anyway, she is going to have some more tests later this year so maybe that will ascertain the cause. Truth be told, I can't say I don't like the "looks" aspect of this gain (on the contrary actually, especially since it was always one of my fantasies) but I'm concerned about its causes and the fact that at this rate my wife might get too big to be able to accept herself, not to mention possible problems with her joints not being able to adjust to such a quick gain if that continued for a longer while.
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Old 06-01-2014, 11:46 AM   #19
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Yes, she is hypothyroid but she is on meds and according to her last tests they are working well and her TSH is within normal levels. That's why I mentioned her energy levels are good - previously when her levels were off she was immediately feeling tired and unmotivated. Moreover, this is not water retention for sure. She was measuring herself recently and her dimensions have changed as well - in hips and belly mostly, so it's definitely a gain.

I wouldn't say she's eating one salad meal a day and that's it, but she definitely eats less than before and she gained during 3 months what she used to gain within a year. Well, except for the time when she was hypothyroid and not on medication but even then her gain was mostly water and once she got the meds she lost about 12 lbs within 3 months. But afterwards she stopped losing and her weight continued to creep up the same way as before she got hypothyroid symptoms, that is, 5-7 lbs a year. But starting from this year's January she gained almost 10 lbs in total. It looks great on her, but she is concerned about it, especially the rate at which it happens and that it happens despite her efforts. Unless, of course, she snacks when I'm not there to see it, but that would be weird since she knows I like her big and I like her appetite so I would definitely not mind.

Anyway, she is going to have some more tests later this year so maybe that will ascertain the cause. Truth be told, I can't say I don't like the "looks" aspect of this gain (on the contrary actually, especially since it was always one of my fantasies) but I'm concerned about its causes and the fact that at this rate my wife might get too big to be able to accept herself, not to mention possible problems with her joints not being able to adjust to such a quick gain if that continued for a longer while.
I can understand you being concerned and still appreciating the looks at the same time. I am sorry that she is going through this. Has she been tested for diabetes? I am not a doctor and am just racking my brains for possible causes. Diabetes usually causes weight loss rather than gain but there are exceptions in every case. I am sorry I can't be more helpful, hopefully you will both get an answer as to what is happening with her, I wish you both the best.
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Old 06-02-2014, 12:08 AM   #20
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I can understand you being concerned and still appreciating the looks at the same time. I am sorry that she is going through this. Has she been tested for diabetes? I am not a doctor and am just racking my brains for possible causes. Diabetes usually causes weight loss rather than gain but there are exceptions in every case. I am sorry I can't be more helpful, hopefully you will both get an answer as to what is happening with her, I wish you both the best.
She is not diabetic, but she does have slight insulin resistance - basically no problems with her sugar, but she has some ins. res. symptoms - darker skin patches and getting easily irritated in case of prolonged (>10 hours without food) hunger. Theoretically untreated ins. res. can lead to type 2 diabetes but her symptoms have improved over time - when we met she had hunger pangs quite often, now it's very rare and only if she hasn't eaten for more than 8-10 hours.

Basically she has a mix of hypothyroidism caused by atrophic thyroiditis, some insulin resistance which seemingly started very early in pre-puberty (when she was only slightly chubby at best) and hormonal imbalance which might have been caused by any or both of the above. The thyroid end is under control now, as far as I can tell and her insulin resistance seems to be improving rather than worsening. The only unsolved problems remains her hormonal imbalance - her androgens are a bit too high (fortunately not high enough to result in some unpleasant symptoms like hirsutism) which causes anovulation (we still have to confirm it but there are stong indications that this is the case) and therefore a decrease in and deficiency of progesterone, while her estrogen is not bad, but could be better.

As far as I read, the ins. res + hypothyroid mix makes it VERY hard to stabilize weight, let alone lose any which makes any advice of doctors to "lose weight first" seem like a joke. In the past, she tried 1 month strict diet + lots of exercise - in her "best attempt" she lost 1 lbs so it's even hard to say whether it was any actual weight loss or just some daily variation. Actually, there were only four times in her life when she lost weight. One was before we met and it "just happened" according to her, so I suppose this might have been related to her thyroid and perhaps it was a temporary bout of hyperthyroidism (that can happen in thyroiditis). I guess she lost about 5 lbs then. Second was the one I mentioned above and we're not even sure if there was any actual weight loss. Third time was when she was hospitalized due to her doctor (some dumb b**ch more interested in local politics than treating patients) treating her mono with huge dose of antibiotics, which caused her mono to go worse and she had temporary liver problems. She lost 8 lbs then during her one week of practically untreated illness and 2 weeks stay in hospital. She tried to maintain the loss but despite her efforts it yoyo-ed back quite quickly, with extra pounds. And the last time she lost weight was, like I mentioned, when she started taking thyroid meds - but prior to that she had a very visible water retention and I suppose her weight loss then was mostly that water, especially since after 3 months, without her changing her lifestyle at all, the loss stopped and she started slowly putting on pounds again.

Now, see the irony here. Theoretically I have a BBW who is practically destined to stay big or even get bigger. Basically an FA's dream. But the conditions that cause it make it a bit hard to enjoy. The good thing is that aside from these conditions, which fortunately don't give any severe symptoms, she is feeling well. We eat healthy, unprocessed food and in moderate amounts. I guess we could use more movement but our jobs are quite sedentary and take a lot of our day so we rarely have enough time to devote it to exercising, especially since we have other interests that we pursue (which, unfortunately, don't involve too much physical activity either). Still, when we can, we do some walking, we ride bicycle and sometimes swim. So I guess that if it was not for her conditions she would have easy time stabilizing her weight or even losing it. Or she could just eat more then without worrying about turbo-gain. But still, these conditions of her may end up in some problems later if not treated and as much as I like female weight gain, her current weight gain trend (5 lbs in 3 months) could put her in SSBBW territory shortly after her 30th birthday. And as much as I'm sure that this would be an exciting sight and experience in purely aesthetic terms, I know that would be potentially dangerous and, moreover, I doubt she could handle maintaining a good image of herself after such a huge gain (especially since she is conflicted about it even now). So my main priority now is helping her gain control over these conditions. If that results in her losing weight - I'm fine with it, especially since she doesn't want to be skinny. If not - even better, since having her the current size or somewhat bigger without all these conditions would be perfection. But first things first.
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Old 06-02-2014, 02:56 AM   #21
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Theoretically I have a BBW who is practically destined to stay big or even get bigger. Basically an FA's dream. But the conditions that cause it make it a bit hard to enjoy. The good thing is that aside from these conditions, which fortunately don't give any severe symptoms, she is feeling well. We eat healthy, unprocessed food and in moderate amounts. I guess we could use more movement but our jobs are quite sedentary and take a lot of our day so we rarely have enough time to devote it to exercising, especially since we have other interests that we pursue (which, unfortunately, don't involve too much physical activity either). Still, when we can, we do some walking, we ride bicycle and sometimes swim. So I guess that if it was not for her conditions she would have easy time stabilizing her weight or even losing it. Or she could just eat more then without worrying about turbo-gain. But still, these conditions of her may end up in some problems later if not treated and as much as I like female weight gain, her current weight gain trend (5 lbs in 3 months) could put her in SSBBW territory shortly after her 30th birthday. And as much as I'm sure that this would be an exciting sight and experience in purely aesthetic terms, I know that would be potentially dangerous and, moreover, I doubt she could handle maintaining a good image of herself after such a huge gain (especially since she is conflicted about it even now). So my main priority now is helping her gain control over these conditions. If that results in her losing weight - I'm fine with it, especially since she doesn't want to be skinny. If not - even better, since having her the current size or somewhat bigger without all these conditions would be perfection. But first things first.
What is it exactly that you (personally) expect to be able to *do* about any of this?

She sounds like she's in a unique situation, medically, and her ability to control the situation seems unclear. You eat moderately, you might be able to exercise a little more - what is it you think you two should be doing that you're not? What is it that you think you can do to influence things? I don't mean that you're not connected to each other. and that there aren't things you can do to try to improve her health, but in the end, even after going to great lengths to describe her body and all the ways in which she has less control than most over her size, you still talk like there's some thing you should or could be doing, some fantastical diet that might ultimately make her smaller, and that's not usually how it works. It might, but chances are not great. Less than usual in her case. Given all that (and in general) - that is her call. And, again, it's not at all clear what might happen.

All this guilt and the what-ifs seem like a distraction, and not really the point. It sort of feels like an indulgence. You're borrowing trouble by wondering what your reaction will be to future changes, which could be anything. I hope she can get some more info from doctor/endo! Sounds challenging, whatever happens. Best of luck with that.

Whether (the lack of them) gets you off or not, diets still don't really work.

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Old 06-02-2014, 05:27 AM   #22
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What is it exactly that you (personally) expect to be able to *do* about any of this?

She sounds like she's in a unique situation, medically, and her ability to control the situation seems unclear. You eat moderately, you might be able to exercise a little more - what is it you think you two should be doing that you're not? What is it that you think you can do to influence things? I don't mean that you're not connected to each other. and that there aren't things you can do to try to improve her health, but in the end, even after going to great lengths to describe her body and all the ways in which she has less control than most over her size, you still talk like there's some thing you should or could be doing, some fantastical diet that might ultimately make her smaller, and that's not usually how it works. It might, but chances are not great. Less than usual in her case. Given all that (and in general) - that is her call. And, again, it's not at all clear what might happen.

All this guilt and the what-ifs seem like a distraction, and not really the point. It sort of feels like an indulgence. You're borrowing trouble by wondering what your reaction will be to future changes, which could be anything. I hope she can get some more info from doctor/endo! Sounds challenging, whatever happens. Best of luck with that.

Whether (the lack of them) gets you off or not, diets still don't really work.
Well, the problems is, her doctors are now just scratching the surface. I suspected her being hypothyroid long before she was diagnosed with it. Moreover, her endo told her to lose weight first and foremost and at present that is close to impossible for her, other than going on a crash diet perhaps and exercising for 2 hours a day. Both of which are not really possible and the first one is, like you said, pointless, especially in the long run. What we want to do, provided that the tests confirm our suspicions regarding which hormones are off balance in her body (I am quite appaled that her endo didn't send her to have these tests done in the first place) is try to ask her endo about metformin, since as far I have learned, it improves insulin sensitivity, stabilizes hormones a bit and brings back ovulation. So basically it does everything she needs done. If her current endo won't be willing to try it without giving sensible reasons (and by sensible I mean almost anything other than "lose weight first"), we will try getting a second opinion.

Basically that is the answer to your first question. What I expect to be able to do and what I am going to do is to help her get her medical situation stable. I don't want her to diet, since I know she likes food a lot and hates having to limit herself beyond what an average person eats (not to mention the fact that I think she never looked better than now, at her top weight). Actually, I am quite confident that all her problems can be solved or at least controlled without her losing weight, since I think her weight gain is a symptom, not a cause, especially since she has very little visceral fat, so her fat should mostly cause a bit of elevation in estrogen, which is currently well within norms and I am even wondering whether that that small extra may be actually mitigating and not aggravating her condition (considering the fact that her estrogen level is within limits and actually below average). Basically I have already red tons of articles on the topic and despite having no formal medical education I start seeing the image more and more clearly. What I lack is the test results to confront my assumptions with, but we will soon have them (probably in late June or in July).

What we should be doing? I think some more exercise would be good, for both of us actually, and the only other thing is getting to know what is really the cause of her medical problems. I definitely don't think any magical diet is going to help. But she does think that she is still doing something wrong with her eating and that she should eat less. As for me, I told her that we already eat healthy and normal portions (hell, my weight is stable and actually going down now, and ironically I eat more, though mostly more meat) so if she is still gaining she should not blame herself, because her medical problems are to blame and she did not do anything to have them - they started already when she was a child, like I mentioned.

Basically, I just want her to be healthy. Big and healthy would be best but if she has to lose weight to be healthy, I'm ok with it. I just don't think she can lose it without medical help, judging from hitherto attempts.

As for why I'm so crazy about all of this - I guess that's partially due to a bit of guilt I feel. I mean, one way or another, her problems are connected with her weight gain, even if it just a symptom, and I can't help but like her bigger body. Seriously, I'd really love to just sit back and enjoy her growing bigger with each passing year, as it would be a fantasy come true, but I simply can't. Especially since she sometimes feels down and maybe not even that much because of her weight but due to the fact that she is not able to control it now. Even she says, though somewhat jokingly, that if she got her metabolism back to normal, she might not necessarily lose weight as she would be happy she can eat more without her weight skyrocketing.

It's not that it takes pleasure out of my life - no, it doesn't, neither for me nor for her. But it is a problem, especially since she also feels a bit weird knowing that I like the result of something that makes her miserable at times.

Anyway, thanks for input. And don't worry, no one her if fixated on the "D" word, even my wife. It is just her doubts whether she did everything reasonable that she could, when it comes to food, so as not to be gaining. I think she did, but she still isn't sure.
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Old 06-02-2014, 12:03 PM   #23
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You sound like you do have a pretty good understanding of her unique situation - I hope she can get good medical/endo help. Yeah, I would distrust too any doc who frames this as "you just haven't dieted enough"; I mean, I would in general, but she sounds like she has some very complicated endocrinological challenges.

You still sound like -->you are looking way too far down the road about all of this<-- in terms of agonizing guiltily about potential changes and whatever. And maybe have stronger feelings than you want to admit about what you wish would happen. But I'm sure yall will get through it. Some normalization of the situation will probably help a lot. Good luck.

(I empathize with the guilt. But I also think hanging onto guilt is a huge problem and a way to make something that isn't about you about you, if that makes sense. But I sympathize.)

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Old 06-02-2014, 03:09 PM   #24
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You sound like you do have a pretty good understanding of her unique situation - I hope she can get good medical/endo help. Yeah, I would distrust too any doc who frames this as "you just haven't dieted enough"; I mean, I would in general, but she sounds like she has some very complicated endocrinological challenges.

You still sound like -->you are looking way too far down the road about all of this<-- in terms of agonizing guiltily about potential changes and whatever. And maybe have stronger feelings than you want to admit about what you wish would happen. But I'm sure yall will get through it. Some normalization of the situation will probably help a lot. Good luck.

(I empathize with the guilt. But I also think hanging onto guilt is a huge problem and a way to make something that isn't about you about you, if that makes sense. But I sympathize.)
Heh, as for the stronger feelings, in a perfect world I'd like my wife to be fatter, healthier and liking her size completely. Not sure what you meant by that, but if you imply that I'd like to see her fatter, even much fatter then now - you're right. But not at all costs.

And I also have to disagree about this not being about me - it is, at least considering the way I understand marriage. And secondly, she does expect my support in all of this. Actually, in some situations I faced a kind of difficult dillema, since one one hand I wanted her to feel good about her figure and looks so I shared with her my most positive perception of her body. But as it turns out, this has decreased her motivation to lose weight, according to what she told me, and the fact is that she felt (and perhaps still feels) that she should lose weight because this is supposed (according to doctors) to improve her hormonal balance.

I know all of this sounds terrible when I write about it, but in everyday practice it's definitely not as bad as it sounds.

Thanks again for support and empathy .
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Old 06-02-2014, 03:12 PM   #25
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Some excellent points all around and I think Liz really hit on what your hang up is here. You have helped your wife to the maximum of your abilities, you have done research and supported her whenever possible. But, at the end of the day, you are a FA and you like the changes in your wife's body. Accept that. You have done what you can to help her and as long as you continue to do that, you don't need to feel guilty about liking her curves.

A point of serious analysis, you are very worried about her health if she continues to gain weight. Yet, from what you've described here, you both eat healthily and get at least some exercise. Health is NOT tied to weight. You can be healthy at virtually any weight, up to a certain biometric threshold that is based on a huge spectrum of individual factors. You've got it in your head, admittedly because it has been crammed in there by society, that weight loss equals health. It doesn't. I'm not a fully licensed sports and nutritional therapist quite yet, I have one last semester of schooling to officially finish but this is my passion, especially as an FA, and I can say with good authority that your wife is probably healthier than most "thin" women with poor eating habits and no training schedules.

A few more things to consider, her difficulty with maintaining her weight, and with her unique hormonal issues may point to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. Just from what you've described about her body and appetite and hormones, etc., that could be something at work. I'm not an expert on hormonal issues but I see PCOS rather frequently with a certain category of my full figured clients and I'm getting some flags from your description.

Also, it is very easy to gain weight while eating less food. That seems counter-intuitive but its a metabolic function designed to keep us alive through times of famine. Make sure your wife is eating a good breakfast, first thing in the morning. If she goes a number of hours after waking before eating, it signals the body to store calories rather than consume them. Think of the body like an engine, you have to put fuel in it for it to burn efficiently. I see plenty of much heavier people who don't eat all that much more food than your average person but are obviously carrying much more weight and it almost always comes down to when they eat. One big meal a day and snacks late into the night (though night snacking isn't directly linked to weight gain, most people just reach for easy, calorie laden foods at night rather than cooking healthy) equals weight gain even when there are less calories in the equation than before. If your wife ate six small meals throughout the day, of healthy foods (and we all know what's healthy and what's not), she could most likely stabilize her weight or maybe even lose a little.

Finally, what Tad said about cognitive dissonance is true. Your wife likes to eat good food. In no world except that of the ultra-marathoner can you eat a good quantity of good food and not be heavier. Society has hammered into her head that being big is bad and even if she is starting to accept that that is not the case, she will have bad days, she will backslide, she will feel insecure. Society hasn't stopped trying to tell her that it's wrong and bad to be the way she is, she just is starting to know better. What you can do is reinforce that you love her and you love her body! You are an FA man, touch her like you want to touch her, kiss her like you want to kiss her and tell her how beautiful she is with not just your words but your eyes and lips and fingertips! It is going to take a lot of positive reinforcement to undo years of what society has programmed her to think so get on it. You obviously love this woman a lot. Show her that and let that be enough.

Wyrd bid ful araed, my friend.
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