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Old 06-03-2014, 12:24 AM   #26
liz (di-va)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myownway View Post
I know all of this sounds terrible when I write about it, but in everyday practice it's definitely not as bad as it sounds
naw, it really doesn't. I don't think see anything odd about being conflicted.
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Old 06-03-2014, 05:38 AM   #27
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@ phelan4022

Well it would be much easier for me to accept if the though the same way about it. But like I said, she is also somewhat torn, on one hand trying to lose weight because docs tell her to and she feels she did not do everything she could in that respect, and on the other being tempted by her appetite and love of food and also by her desire to please me, since she knows how much I like her at her biggest (and probably knows that I'd welcome more if it was given).

When it comes to reinforcing her positive body image and showing her my love of her looks and her in general - trust me, I do a lot in this department, especially since I don't really have to focus on it, it comes naturally. The fact is that her hormones are affecting her mood to, since I noticed that basically every time her self-perception improves, she also gets somewhat horny.

As for me being concerned about health consequences of her further gain... I'm a bit on the fence when it comes to that, like you probably noticed. Her weight comes mostly from subcutaneous fat - the fact is, while I'm weighing about 40 lbs less than her, she probably has less visceral fat than I do and that actually shows in our health situation (as well as in the looks of our bellies). Before I switched to healthier food (and smaller portions too), I was developing a mild hypertension, my allergy problems worsened and I started snoring heavily on some night. Right now I started losing weight slowly, my hypertension problems went away and snoring is much less frequent. My wife on the contrary, is actually healthier than she was when we met, despite her 50 lbs gain during that time. And according to my knowledge, thats exactly because she is gaining fat all over, but very little of it, if any, is visceral. And this fits everything I read about the difference between subcutaneous and visceral fat. On the other hand, I read plenty of scientific papers connecting extra weight to hormonal imbalance, but the image that comes out of them is that it is not clear whether being fat messes up the hormones or whether the messed up hormones cause gaining weight. Perhaps there is some synergy in it and that is basically the only reason her weight gain concerns me. I just can't rule out (yet) that her gain is not worsening her situation. I doubt it, considering that she feels better now than 50 lbs ago, but then again, I have no idea how many of her previous problems were caused by untreated atrophic thyroiditis.

You also mentioned PCOS - that was one of my guesses at some point, but she had at least two USG examinations and none of them shown any cysts in the ovaries. So I dismissed it, but recently I read that the lack of ovulation alone may cause many of PCOS symptoms and elevation in androgens. As of now, taking all symptoms and causes into account, this seems to be the most probable scenario. Something (perhaps thyroid deficiency) caused her ovulations to fail (she never had normal periods), this elevated her androgens and caused further hormonal imbalance, especially when synergized by hypothyroidism, as well as weight gain. I never suspected such chain of events since looking at her figure that last thing that could come to your mind is that she has elevated androgens - I actually suspected she would have estrogen dominance, but the fact that she never had any endometrial problems and that she has normal estrogen levels and elevated androgens testify otherwise. Anyway, she told me to prepare a "what to check" list and we will do all the tests required and then bring them to some sensible doc, all black and white, and ask for some proper treatment. I hope that will make the hormonal problems go away, since they are the most probable cause of her elevated LDL and triglycerides - it's definitely not food! Hell, we eat the same things, I actually eat more fat, and not only of the healthy variation, and my results are normal. Plus, it would solve the potential future problems we would very probably come across when deciding to have kids.
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Old 06-03-2014, 12:07 PM   #28
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I cannot tell you how happy I am that you know the difference between subcutaneous and visceral fat. It has been well documented in Europe for at least ten years but American Medical Science is just now starting to admit that there can be healthy fat. From your description, it did sound like she was gaining subcutaneously, which, in the really long term offers a buffer against the effects of menopause. But, like I said, that is really long term.

Her hormonal imbalance does sound like the most pressing of her conditions, since the others are minor or well regulated with medicine. Unfortunately, at this point, I know far more about regulating male hormonal levels naturally than female hormonal levels so I don't have much to offer as far as advice on what to look for. Also, android (apple shape) weight gain in a hallmark of PCOS in women and that is almost always visceral fat (you can physically feel the difference, visceral fat feels like squeezing a dried out old cake and subcutaneous is the silky softness we all know and love).

As long as you know what you are going in to try to address, a good doc will be able to help you without making a blanket statement like "she just needs to lose weight."

As for your wife's conflicted emotions, as I said, give her time. Her whole life she has been told that fat = bad and you are now telling her that fat = okay and even fat = good. It's just going to take time. She won't accept it over night and she might even have mixed feelings about it for a really, really long time. If it's any consolation, I empathize with you. My significant other is an empowered and curvaceous woman but I am still the first man to love her body for the way it is and she still struggles with self-image issues. We just need to keep loving them, and I know I will and I'm pretty sure that you will too.
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Old 06-04-2014, 12:59 AM   #29
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Well she's basically all silky soft, I have an easy comparison of her fat type with mine when I squeeze my own gut . That's basically why I ruled out PCOS so quickly - I associated PCOS with apple shape and my wife is a slightly pearish hourglass.

As for her emotions, I think that her hormonal problems are actually making her self-acceptance more difficult, both when it comes to their impact on her looks (skin problems) and when it comes to how they undermine her emotional stability. If it wasn't for them, I guess she would find it much easier to feel good in her own big body. At least that's what I infer from the days when her hormones seem to be more in balance. Like you said, keeping the love flowing is the most important, but in this case I guess solving the medical issues will be a big help too.

I'm working on a big project now, but once I'm done (in a few days) I'm back to preparing the course of action for obtaining all the required data and finding a good endo/gyn who will connect the dots. I'm just a bit bitter that none of her previous docs (and there were a few) got interested enough in her problems as to actually try solving the puzzle. I mean, how difficult is it to just tell her "go do these blood tests and then we will know"? As far as I have learned, in situations like this you can't have a full image of what's going on in a person's body without checking a whole lot of hormone levels (and lipid levels too, actually). And all of these docs have always told her to check one or two of them and it was supposed to be enough, when it took me only half on hour online searching to find out that no, it isn't. And not based on some mumbojumbo but actual medical scientific papers.
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Old 06-04-2014, 01:54 PM   #30
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Regrettably, my friend, most doctors are lazy bastards just out for a paycheck. They will poke a little in the direction you point them but they put out little extra effort besides that. And, General Practitioners just don't have the training to do good diagnostic work. And, many of them have been out of med school for a good while and don't stay on top current medical research. I had one doc tell me that they didn't know why people yawn. He'd gone through school in the early seventies though. That's why it pays to stay on top of things yourself. Read voraciously and cross-compare. I think you and your lady will be just fine though.
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Old 06-05-2014, 12:33 AM   #31
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The biggest problem I noticed with some GPs (and even with some specialized docs) is that they're knowledge is often very outdated, but many of them play the good-all-knowing-doc routine anyway. It's not as bad if they at least acknowledge new info when they get it, but sometimes that actually get very defensive if not angry when shown a piece of knowledge they had no idea of. Fortunately, my recent experiences seem to indicate that this has improved - perhaps due to the fact that the younger generation of docs is more computer-savvy so they actually use it the same way laymen do - and that often is quite enough when paired with their extensive fundaments of medical education that I, for example, lack as a layman.

As for the two of us, we had a talk yesterday where I tried to persuade her that there is no need to blame herself for the current situation. I also told her that there is no point in further calorie cutdowns since obviously this won't work until her hormonal balance is fixed. I suggested getting more physical activity together instead. She responded positively to all of that and decided that until the end of this year she will try to have her insulin resistance improved by means of more physical activity (that does seem to work in most cases according to what I read, even if it results in no weight loss) and if that proves insufficient we will try to find some helpful doc. And meanwhile we will do a battery of hormonal tests so that we can ascertain where the problem is and to have some foundations to show to the doc once we find one.

The topic of her current weight also came up, so I basically told her that, causes aside, I like her current shape very much and that considering the situation, we should focus on getting her gain under contol instead of any weight loss (I mean, 5 lbs in 3 months rate could really be problematic in the long run, especially considering that the rate of her gain has been increasing during the last two years, and while my wife weighing 350 lbs at her 30th b-day sounds like a fantasy come true, I can't delude myself that she would simply stop there, if things progressed as they do now). I mentioned that to her during out last big talk on the subject, but this time I guess she finally understood that in her situation any weight loss is simply unrealistic. Besides, she confessed that skin problems and some extra depilation necessity bugs her a lot more than the weight added. All in all, it was quite positive and reassuring and it seems that today she woke in somewhat better mood.

Thanks very much for your input and a kind word, Phelan. Best luck with your lady too .
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Old 06-05-2014, 10:38 PM   #32
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You are most welcome sir, and thank you for your well wishes!
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Old 06-15-2014, 03:17 PM   #33
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all you really need to do for the one you love is openly communicate and support her decisions ... you have the right to voice your concerns and conflicting ideas and so does she- it will all naturally fall into place of it's own accord if ideas and feelings are allowed to naturally flow

it's when we hide the truth- whether to save feelings or because we are hiding it so deeply we don't recognize it as an untruth- that issues come to head. and they will because we all do this whether intentionally or unintentionally throughout our relationships

however that foundation of open communication and trust- through hell or high water- will hold firm
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