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Old 02-07-2014, 11:18 AM   #1
jessws61
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Default A Mess of a Marriage

I've been with the love of my life for over 8 years. I was fat when we met, but have also gained a significant amount of weight since then. We've had a pretty crappy sex life probably for the last 5 or so years... and we haven't had sex since last October. Even though I know he loves me emotionally, the fact that he doesn't or can't love me physically is really depressing. I'm at a loss as to what to do... and I feel like I've tried everything. Does anyone have any insight?
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Old 02-07-2014, 02:19 PM   #2
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This happens in a fair number of marriages, for various reasons. But of course, in the end every relationship has its own features.

All I can really say is:
- don't blame it on your weight
- DO talk about it with him. He may not want to, but whatever the cause, there is very little chance of uncovering it without communication, and even less of being able to do anything about it.

Random list of possible causes could include, but is not limited to: stress, health issues, hormonal problems, relationship problems, drug or alcohol abuse, infidelity, general low sex drive, resentment, lack of confidence, sexual boredom, unspoken kink or fetish that is become more key in his sexuality, ...... Far too many possibilities to get anywhere without communication.

And given that most guys don't want to deal with the thought of being less than sex gods, I'd say most guys would avoid talking about issues (and some of the issues could be things he'd want to cover up for their own sake). He needs to know that you are not happy with the status quo, and want to put effort into changing things.

Good luck in getting past this frustrating situation!

Edit to add two things:

1- One key question is do both of you want-to-want sex with each other? Assuming yes, the rest is just working things out. If the answer is no, then it gets way more complicated and challenging.
2- This is obviously a tough series of conversations to have. This web site: http://www.howstuffworks.com/vsd.htm is a summary of one of my favorite books "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" It is worth a read, most of it you may do naturally, but there are some good tips in there that can help keep difficult discussions on a productive footing. (note: I'm not saying that either of you is a verbal attacker, but in emotionally charged situations it is really easy for these things to happen. Not letting it escalate is key). In all of that, I'd especially emphasize the bit about Miller's Law.
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Last edited by Tad; 02-07-2014 at 04:03 PM.
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Old 02-07-2014, 03:05 PM   #3
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My advice won't sound too terribly different from Tad's - whose insight about the complexity of this issue is totally accurate.

It's very easy to blame yourself or the weight gain, but don't. To me personally, it seems highly improbable that a man who married a fat woman would lose interest due to her getting fatter. I can't speak for everyone, but it doesn't seem very likely.

That said... I see two things as very evident:

First, that you both need to open up and, without blaming yourselves or each other, talk about what each of you is experiencing in the bedroom. Regardless of what the cause of the problem is, it is more important that this issue has left you both out-of-sync with each other. It's the loss of intimacy that creates the sadness, and he must be feeling it too, as you both obviously love each other very much. Both of you need to admit that there is a problem, and reassure each other you're both on the same team. Impress on him this isn't a "his" problem or "her" problem, but an "our" problem that needs an "us" solution.

Second, it's very evident that you aren't nearly ready to give up and you're still willing to do what it takes to stir up the flames in your romance. If you approach discussion with him about it, make sure that you reassure him of this very firmly. I think it's vital that you not vent any of the sadness or frustration in his direction, at least until after you find out what the real problem is and get back on the same page. For example, if he's depressed, venting your unhappiness at him might worsen the feeling he's failing you. Wait until you're both on the same team again and communicating comfortably about things, before you put the hurt and pain on the table to be dealt with.

I hope this helps, Jess! Chin up!
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Old 02-07-2014, 03:58 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jessws61 View Post
I've been with the love of my life for over 8 years. I was fat when we met, but have also gained a significant amount of weight since then. We've had a pretty crappy sex life probably for the last 5 or so years... and we haven't had sex since last October. Even though I know he loves me emotionally, the fact that he doesn't or can't love me physically is really depressing. I'm at a loss as to what to do... and I feel like I've tried everything. Does anyone have any insight?
What do your conversations about sex look like? I mean... what are his reasons for the lack of sex? I feel like the "what to do" is probably somewhere in the antecedent. It's important to have an honest convo about what is really going on. I can't tell from your post but has he expressed it's weight related or is something else going on.
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Old 02-10-2014, 08:29 AM   #5
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Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it.
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Old 02-11-2014, 07:51 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jessws61 View Post
I've been with the love of my life for over 8 years. I was fat when we met, but have also gained a significant amount of weight since then. We've had a pretty crappy sex life probably for the last 5 or so years... and we haven't had sex since last October. Even though I know he loves me emotionally, the fact that he doesn't or can't love me physically is really depressing. I'm at a loss as to what to do... and I feel like I've tried everything. Does anyone have any insight?

For me sex is an integral part of marriage. I can't imagine going months without sex. If he doesn't have a physical problem the only conclusion I can draw from your facts is that your marriage is on life support at best. People who like each other but are not erotically intimate are best be described as "friends" not spouses.

Physical attraction is either present or its not. No amount of "talking about it" will change this. If the physical attraction is not there a decision needs to be made. Remain together as "friends" or move on.
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