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Old 04-11-2014, 08:52 PM   #76
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No one race has a monopoly on treating women well -- or badly. I was thinking about my own observations and noted that the three worst guys vis-a-vis poor treatment of women I've had the misfortune to interact with were all of different races (one white, one black, one Hispanic).

i think we all already realize that. but we were talking about fat community stereotypes. one of those stereotypes is that white BBWs who are fat date a lot of black men and are attractive to black men. there are a lot of white guys in the community who complain that white BBWs prefer black men. they are fixated on the issue and always asking all of us BBWs black or white about whether we've been with a black man. the corresponding stereotype that many of those BBWs they are talking about is exactly what i've said above.

people are often very happy to pontificate about why they see so many white BBWs with black men as long as it's just about the physical. but when you start talking about them being together because they satisfy each other's emotional needs it's suddenly a problem. the truth is they're together because they are nice to each other, which is why most people are together. sure they find each other sexy but they also treat each other in ways the other wants to be treated.
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Old 04-11-2014, 10:33 PM   #77
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i think we all already realize that. but we were talking about fat community stereotypes. one of those stereotypes is that white BBWs who are fat date a lot of black men and are attractive to black men. there are a lot of white guys in the community who complain that white BBWs prefer black men. they are fixated on the issue and always asking all of us BBWs black or white about whether we've been with a black man. the corresponding stereotype that many of those BBWs they are talking about is exactly what i've said above.

people are often very happy to pontificate about why they see so many white BBWs with black men as long as it's just about the physical. but when you start talking about them being together because they satisfy each other's emotional needs it's suddenly a problem. the truth is they're together because they are nice to each other, which is why most people are together. sure they find each other sexy but they also treat each other in ways the other wants to be treated.

It's really crazy that people lose so much sleep over whether or not a black man is with a white woman. White men get with Asian women, Hispanic women, Native American women, Arab women, and European women. If a black man gets with a white woman what difference does it make? There are a lot of mixed couples in this world who are together in normal, healthy, loving relationships. It's not always about the physical!


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Old 04-12-2014, 08:39 AM   #78
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Thank you for this.

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It's really crazy that people lose so much sleep over whether or not a black man is with a white woman. White men get with Asian women, Hispanic women, Native American women, Arab women, and European women. If a black man gets with a white woman what difference does it make? There are a lot of mixed couples in this world who are together in normal, healthy, loving relationships. It's not always about the physical!


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Old 04-12-2014, 09:33 AM   #79
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It's really crazy that people lose so much sleep over whether or not a black man is with a white woman. White men get with Asian women, Hispanic women, Native American women, Arab women, and European women. If a black man gets with a white woman what difference does it make? There are a lot of mixed couples in this world who are together in normal, healthy, loving relationships. It's not always about the physical!


absolutely. i live in the south. there are MORE interracial couples here than anywhere i've ever lived. heck i'm 50 and i'm biracial. we are all over the place. it's no longer a big deal if it ever was. the one drop rule simplified things for offspring for sure. so when my GFs talk about WHY they are with their black male significant others they talk about how well they are treated. one of my young GFs in my office now who is also a big girl is in a very serious relationship with a black man. there is a white guy in the office who has a serious crush on her. he's handsome but he didn't get anywhere, not simply because he is white but because he is flying a freak flag waaay high and not treating her like a person. so guess what? he doesn't have a chance. i find this happens quite a bit -- enough to have become a common stereotype. the stereotype is that black men see them in a more traditionally romantic way even if they do have a fetish and aren't as likely to be trying to live some other kind of alternative lifestyle as well that they don't want to have to deal with.
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Old 04-12-2014, 10:04 AM   #80
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There is so much going on in this post.

First to answer FatandProud's original post..some people have no boundaries and feel it is ok to ask any question they want. Along the same lines, some are really interested out of curiosity, ie, does she normally date outside of her/his race/ethnicity, etc. This is a legitimate reason to ask the question, unfortunately not everyone has enough tact to ask the question correctly. Unfortunately, you have to weed out if the person is asking for the right reason or the wrong reason.

To bigmac, yes, I would say that years back you would rarely see bbws out specially during that time when people were very militant about everyone working out, but that has changed. I wouldn't say that bbws out east have it more difficult than any other bbws, but being that places like NYC being one of the top places of fashion, there tend to be less big people here than in some others parts of the country.

As to the rest of the posts.. as someone who has dated men of different cultures, I can say that every cultures has it's preferences. Aside from that every man has his own personal preference. you can't generalize anything. All you can do is speak of your own experiences.. As to the comment of white men always having their freak flag showing, let me just say that is not true. In my experience it has been the black men that I have dated to be the freaks with crazy fetishes.

People will be people, and they can only get away with what you allow them to get away with. Personally, I let people ask me what they want. If they ask something i am not willing to answer, I say that is off limits and keep moving.

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Old 04-12-2014, 10:13 AM   #81
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Old 04-12-2014, 08:38 PM   #82
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I'm with a 6' tall Asian guy, suck it stereotypes.
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Old 04-13-2014, 04:11 PM   #83
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I have tasted the rainbow....and it is all good! lol

Um....What's race?
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Old 04-13-2014, 11:21 PM   #84
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I have tasted the rainbow....and it is all good! lol

Um....What's race?
Thanks for reminding me to listen to this techno house track again: Lick the Rainbow -- Mord Fustang
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Old 04-17-2014, 02:14 PM   #85
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as a black/scottish guy i've always attributed my affinity for BBW's to my unaccountably good taste.

but i've heard the "black guy/bbw" comment before, but most of the time those who make such comments aren't really in any kind of position to turn it into a debate (they lack ammo).
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Old 04-17-2014, 04:22 PM   #86
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as a black/scottish guy i've always attributed my affinity for BBW's to my unaccountably good taste.

but i've heard the "black guy/bbw" comment before, but most of the time those who make such comments aren't really in any kind of position to turn it into a debate (they lack ammo).
a lot of Scots I know seem to enjoy the bargain of having more
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Old 04-17-2014, 07:29 PM   #87
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Fat white southern chick weighing in with my experience.

First, ignorant online people will ask you anything with no boundaries. Shut them down. That rude attitude has started to bleed over into RL as online boys grow up thinking online and RL are the same.

I'm days away from 50. Grew up in Alabama. Spent my mid 20s to 40 in Atlanta, and my 40s in small town Virginia.

In my 20s, it wasn't unusual for black men to ask me if I dated black men. Obvious reason, they would ask the question before asking for a date.

With years, progress, and older men, they'd just ask for the date without the pre-qualifier.

Outside of the fat community, I never had a white man ask me if I dated black men. I've also never had a 'down low' or 'don't touch the fat girl in public' experience. I date grown ass men who respect me, like me, and enjoy the privilege of spending time in my company.

Inside the fat community it has been asked a number of times by men of my generation. There is a perception that fat white chicks with low self esteem settle for hookup sex with black guys because lots of black guys like fat and openly hit on bbws where white guys don't. So the 'do you date/ fuck black guys' question can actually translate to 'are you a low self esteem gal who has questionable sexual encounters'.

Don't shoot the messenger, just another twist on why the question gets asked.
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Old 04-17-2014, 08:12 PM   #88
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Can't the questions just be because he wants to know if she dates outside her race? Sometimes a question is just what was asked with no ulterior motive.

Dating outside of ones race can be daunting at times. Maybe he just wants to know if he will have to explain some things, or if she already knows and is cool. It isn't always about does she have low self esteem, or anything like that.

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Old 04-17-2014, 08:56 PM   #89
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Default ^Wait, just to clarify:

Part of the confusion here is that FatAndProud started off with a somewhat general question. But, in reality, was actually talking about a more specific type of problem or scenario. A subset of what was originally described, perhaps more immediately identified or accessed by those who've shared in that type of experience.

So, in a certain sense, looking at it more broadly: Yes, the question could-possibly reflect a number of different reasons or meanings, depending on tone or context. But that's not really what she's talking about.

It's more like the answer's in the question, e.g. "Why do dysfunctional people sometimes behave so creepily?" Ans: "Oh, that's right, it's because they're dysfunctional & creepy; yes, that makes sense. I concur."

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Old 04-17-2014, 08:58 PM   #90
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Can't the questions just be because he wants to know if she dates outside her race? Sometimes a question is just what was asked with no ulterior motive.

Dating outside of ones race can be daunting at times. Maybe he just wants to know if he will have to explain some things, or if she already knows and is cool. It isn't always about does she have low self esteem, or anything like that.

IJS
nope. there is no real reason to. anyone who asks too much about your sexual/relationship past especially when they've just met you is asking too much. there is something wrong with that person.
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Old 04-17-2014, 10:46 PM   #91
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...

Inside the fat community it has been asked a number of times by men of my generation. There is a perception that fat white chicks with low self esteem settle for hookup sex with black guys because lots of black guys like fat and openly hit on bbws where white guys don't. So the 'do you date/ fuck black guys' question can actually translate to 'are you a low self esteem gal who has questionable sexual encounters'.

Don't shoot the messenger, just another twist on why the question gets asked.
Yes, I believe this is often the case. I should note that "questionable sexual encounters" is not the same as many sexual encounters. Confident sexually liberated women are an entirely different breed.

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Old 04-18-2014, 04:05 AM   #92
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nope. there is no real reason to. anyone who asks too much about your sexual/relationship past especially when they've just met you is asking too much. there is something wrong with that person.
no.. there are legitimate reasons to ask someone if they date outside their race/culture/ethnicity. People just always jump to the worst possible scenario.

Gosh people are always so negative. If the question bothers you, then say you won't answer and move on.
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Old 04-18-2014, 04:58 AM   #93
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no.. there are legitimate reasons to ask someone if they date outside their race/culture/ethnicity. People just always jump to the worst possible scenario.

Gosh people are always so negative. If the question bothers you, then say you won't answer and move on.
i'm curious. if you like someone why would that be something you need to know right off the bat if there isn't some kind of prejudicial thinking involved? especially if you are actually interested in each other enough you'll involve each other in your lives, talk to you about each other's experiences and everyone can talk about it at their pace. why would it be so important to press someone for that info right away? the need to know right away in and of itself expresses a tendency toward prejudices.
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Old 04-18-2014, 05:02 AM   #94
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Fat white southern chick weighing in with my experience.

First, ignorant online people will ask you anything with no boundaries. Shut them down. That rude attitude has started to bleed over into RL as online boys grow up thinking online and RL are the same.

I'm days away from 50. Grew up in Alabama. Spent my mid 20s to 40 in Atlanta, and my 40s in small town Virginia.

In my 20s, it wasn't unusual for black men to ask me if I dated black men. Obvious reason, they would ask the question before asking for a date.

With years, progress, and older men, they'd just ask for the date without the pre-qualifier.

Outside of the fat community, I never had a white man ask me if I dated black men. I've also never had a 'down low' or 'don't touch the fat girl in public' experience. I date grown ass men who respect me, like me, and enjoy the privilege of spending time in my company.

Inside the fat community it has been asked a number of times by men of my generation. There is a perception that fat white chicks with low self esteem settle for hookup sex with black guys because lots of black guys like fat and openly hit on bbws where white guys don't. So the 'do you date/ fuck black guys' question can actually translate to 'are you a low self esteem gal who has questionable sexual encounters'.

Don't shoot the messenger, just another twist on why the question gets asked.
as a mixed southern chick, i agree with this too. overall it is very indicative of a very socially out of touch person. and i also agree that i have never encountered these kinds of questions outside of the fat community. in person in other circles it's treated as being totally unacceptable and backward. racist people will use it to determine who they will and won't be with. and some also have a complex about sexual competition complete with questions about penis size. some people really do need to get to the comp, leave the basement and deal with real people for a change. all of the guys i know who've asked questions like that are complete dumbasses.
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Old 04-18-2014, 11:11 AM   #95
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Which is so stupid because there are more and more white men who love curvy women, including curvy black women. The notion of white men only loving bony blonde chicks is antiquated.

But it is true, lots of black men love women with meat on their bone--whether in African American culture, West Indian culture, or African culture. That is no lie! Women from my father's country get picked on if they are skinny---'why is she poorly fed?" LOL. Curves are beautiful to me.

I've noticed many fit, muscular men love the larger ladies. Perhaps in their minds muscular equals masculine and soft, fat equals femininity.
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Last edited by KittyKitten; 04-18-2014 at 11:14 AM.
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Old 04-18-2014, 01:41 PM   #96
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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
"...there is something wrong with that person."
Yes, I agree. Better to avoid dealing with anyone who has something wrong with them.

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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
"nope. there is no real reason to."
It's great that you've figured this out for yourself. But I don't know if it works so well when you're doing someone else's thinking for them.

You're not in their shoes.

You can't decide for someone else what does or does not matter to them. Or how much. It doesn't work that way.

That's like me trying to tell you that you shouldn't care how fat someone is. Or that it doesn't matter if someone's taller or shorter than you. Or whatever...

Likewise, it's just as 'fair' to reject people whose values are different from your own. Certainly, at least that much is your prerogative. But, to just automatically imply or define what their values are based on a single question, taken out of any context?

So, instead of coaching people to respond to this with "This person is no damn good, because they're different from me..," maybe a better way is for everyone to ask of themselves "How do I match-up with this person, relative to all of the other fish in the sea? Are they right for me? Or am I better off alone? How does this particular person enhance my life? At what direct-cost? At what cost in terms of other opportunities?"

I mean, it it really necessary to put others down in order to lift-up the person you're trying to help?
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Old 04-18-2014, 03:08 PM   #97
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Default Sorry this is going to be long..

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No racial, but I want to know why the hell white guys ask me if I date/fuck black men?

A) my love life is none of your concern
B) if you're a white guy and I'm chatting you up, why are you asking me these questions?
C) this is 2014.
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i'm curious. if you like someone why would that be something you need to know right off the bat if there isn't some kind of prejudicial thinking involved? especially if you are actually interested in each other enough you'll involve each other in your lives, talk to you about each other's experiences and everyone can talk about it at their pace. why would it be so important to press someone for that info right away? the need to know right away in and of itself expresses a tendency toward prejudices.
Well.. sometimes you don't know if the other person is into you in terms of wanting a relationship or if they only want a friendship. Many people will have friends outside of their race/culture, but some may chose not to date outside of their race/culture. So it is a legitimate question.

I think that people are so on the defensive.. they have a chip on thier shoulders that they misunderstand a question. Even if the questions is meant to find out if they are easy, which you should know by the conversation already, then it is your choice to getr up and leave or entertain the question.

People need to stop being so defensive and start acting like adults.
For people who talk so much about Fat Acceptance and how others should accept fat people the way they are, I don't see a lot of acceptance for other people.

Take people as they come. Everyone has their own thing. If it is not your cup of tea, then move on, but to go off and say that they are looking to prey on fat women, or that they are horny men looking to get laid, or crazy fetish seekers, it is a bit much. This is NOT directed at fatandproud. All she did was post her feeling about being asked which is perfectly acceptable. She didn't go off and say they crazy off the wall things, just that she didn't appreciate it and that it is not her cup of tea. She never implied that there was something wrong with them or anything like that.
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Old 04-18-2014, 09:49 PM   #98
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i guess to some it's still acceptable to be a racist? who knew? racism is a character flaw. the hatred they aim at others will one day be aimed at you. irrationality doesn't stop at any kind of borders it only starts there.
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Old 04-19-2014, 12:30 AM   #99
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i guess to some it's still acceptable to be a racist? who knew? racism is a character flaw.


lol...That question does not always imply racism. Geez...lately everything to you is either racist or prejudice against fat people. SOMETIMES A COMMENT OR A QUESTION IS JUST THAT.. a comment or a question and not racist.

Did you ever think that you are misinterpreting the meaning of a question or comment because you think they are making it in a racist or prejudicial way because you see them as a color and not a person?

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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
the hatred they aim at others will one day be aimed at you. irrationality doesn't stop at any kind of borders it only starts there.


Oh and don't make assumptions about things you know nothing about. I know all too well what it is like to be discriminated against because I am fat.. and hispanic.. and a woman. I have had my own issues with being refused service because of my race. Every time I take a trip down south I experience that and more, such as being kicked out of a restaurant because the manager refused to let anyone serve us. I also know what it is like when people do not want to sit next to me on a long flight or bus ride because of my size. The difference between us is that I don't let the actions of a few complete distort or cloud my perceptions of others. I take people as they come.

Some people are assholes yes, but I am not going to start treating everyone as if they are assholes off the bat just because of a few experiences I had in meeting assholes.

With that I am done with this topic. Fell free to discuss amongst yourselves..
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Old 04-19-2014, 06:57 AM   #100
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Default No apologies here.

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"anyone who asks too much about your sexual/relationship past especially when they've just met you is asking too much."
But, the point is, it's all kind of relative. Relative to the specific relationship between the two people, their mutual expectations, where it's headed, etc.. I would agree from the p.o.v. that it's uncomfortable for lots of people to go into a whole lot of candid detail about past-relationships. (I am one of them). But, I have yet to encounter the one who said me, straight away, "You know, I don't really care about whatever you did in previous relationships or your past..." Certainly, it's something solid relationships can build towards. However, even then....

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Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
"i'm curious. if you like someone why would that be something you need to know right off the bat if there isn't some kind of prejudicial thinking involved? especially if you are actually interested in each other enough you'll involve each other in your lives, talk to you about each other's experiences and everyone can talk about it at their pace. why would it be so important to press someone for that info right away? the need to know right away in and of itself expresses a tendency toward prejudices."
Are you really genuinely curious? Because, from my point of view, it looks like you've already made up your own mind.

Remember, also, that the idea of this question coming up straight away is as much the result of what various thread-responders have inferred, based partially off of their own experiences. More so than you can say that FatAndProud has put it up there explicitly.

For my part, if I'm in a situation where a person I don't know too well is throwing me obvious curve-balls or any questions that just seem to come out of left-field, I tend to take that like being presented with a Rorschach of sorts.

Now, I'm not saying that this is the right thing to do, coming at people with that kind of gamesmanship. That this is how to act towards someone you actually like. (As if that's going to win anyone over). Quite the opposite. In fact, I would say, in one form or another, too many of us engage in too much of this. And too early-on. A first date or a first meeting (either first offline meeting or in a club or something like that) is not a job interview. You shouldn't spend so much of the time, if any, qualifying the other person.

Ideally, it's more about being emotionally present. In the moment. Having a good time. Making the best of the situation, regardless of the circumstances.
Then, maybe, take some time afterward to reflect on it. Think on how you feel around the other person.

However, c'mon, it's not like this isn't what lots of people do: So, enough about me...what do you think of this band Nickelback?...If you were.....a tree?. (Or, for another example, take a look at your own last post. What exactly are you trying to do there?)

And, in that sense, it's all sort of arbitrary, what is the first or second or third or fourth question you ask someone. Or what they ask you. For some people, topics like race or politics are this huge, loaded issue. Others not so much. But everyone has prejudices, preconceptions. Levers. (In my experience, it's generally those who're the least self-aware, the most in denial about their own issues which are the most strongly determined by them; but no less because of their transparency for that, that it's so easy for another person, a perfect stranger to pick-up on that, to exploit it...) e.g., If someone brings up something like...fluoridation....or vaccines....straight-away, then I guess, for me, it could signal something about the future of the relationship, or limitations thereof.

However, I'm not the one to just immediately start freaking-out right then & there on the spot. After all, they could be joking, right? They could be testing-me, somehow. Actually, come to think of it, to tell you the truth, depending on how convincingly they carried it off (both the bit and the reveal), I just might have a laugh about it. A great big one.

Basically, a person can be perfectly-right or wrong, or somewhere in between, or none of those things, just in order to be right or wrong for me.

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"as a mixed southern chick...it is very indicative of a very socially out of touch person....never encountered these kinds of questions outside of the fat community. in person in other circles it's treated as being totally unacceptable and backward. racist people will use it to determine who they will and won't be with.... all of the guys i know who've asked questions like that are complete dumbasses."
Do you think that might have something to do with a difference in how Northerners and Southerns deal with the general topic of race? Particularly as how it might tend to play out in the mixed company of both blacks & whites and men & women. Could it be that "the fat community" or; for that matter, any type of online-connected social organization; might have the unintended or indirect effect of bridging people of different regions in a manner in which they weren't previously networked?
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