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Old 03-18-2014, 01:33 PM   #1
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Default Coming Out of FA Closet - Worse Experiences

I've seen many people post about being in the FA closet. Some people here may very well still be in the closet about their attraction to fat people. I've never had any real problems about this, but I'm curious about others who do. What has been the worse experience you have encountered that resulted from coming out of the FA closet?
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Old 03-18-2014, 07:41 PM   #2
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I've seen many people post about being in the FA closet. Some people here may very well still be in the closet about their attraction to fat people. I've never had any real problems about this, but I'm curious about others who do. What has been the worse experience you have encountered that resulted from coming out of the FA closet?
Years ago, NAAFA used to have an "FA Workshop" at their annual conventions. It was a one-hour (or so) session for sharing experiences in the days before web-boards. There were some horrible experiences revealed there. One guy was told by his father, after his first date with a fat girl, that if he did that again, he shouldn't bother coming home, ever. So basically, he had to choose between his preference and being disowned by his family. (He chose his preference and didn't speak to his father for many years.) Although I was lucky and never had to face such intolerance, I remember those sessions whenever people ridicule FAs on this board and claim it's easy to be an FA. People need to remember that, if you haven't experienced it (or talked to someone who has), you don't know jack-sh*t about other people's lives.
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Old 03-19-2014, 12:51 AM   #3
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Oddly, despite me planning to marry of SSBHM my mother flip flops between not believing that I find him attractive and thinking badly of me for it. She has accused me in the past of being manipulative and not caring about his health because... drum roll please... I sent him a bar of chocolate with his christmas present. Yeah, damn me and my chocolate gifts that I send to just about everyone, how manipulative.
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Old 03-19-2014, 01:37 AM   #4
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Only problem I ever had is some of the younger girls I was attracted to couldn't understand why I was attracted to their bodies due to years of self-loathe. Its more common in teenagers but every now and then you get someone who simply can't fathom being desired and takes it out on you.
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Old 03-19-2014, 06:20 AM   #5
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I never really had a ‘coming out’ moment, and honestly most of the resistance I had in my choice of girlfriend/fiancée/wife was due to her coming from a blue-collar, immigrant, family, from a more working class city, so not immediately fitting in with my WASP-like white-collar friends and family. What I call micro-cultural differences. But as she steadily gained weight over the first seven years of our relationship I did get some push back, mostly along the lines of veiled comments about how I could do better than her (that WASP-like micro-culture I mentioned? Criticism is seldom give outright).

The only incident of note actually happened some years after that early period (i.e. we were married, her weight had stabilized, etc.) In some goofing around between the guys, where we were taking the piss out of each other, one of the guys off-handedly said something suggesting my wife’s appearance would be improved by wearing a paper bag over her head. (this was actually over our mailing list, not in person, so physical violence did not ensure). It was in the context of us being somewhat ridiculous, but the way it was phrased it was clear that he took it as a given that she was not attractive. I’m hardly objective, but I’m pretty sure that most would say she has a pretty face, and given that he calls women fat if they start to have curves I’m pretty sure it was a fat=ugly comment. Dude should have kept that to himself. He was one of my oldest friends, but since then we only see each other or interact in the context of group all being together.

Which I guess is all by way of saying, there is ‘coming out’ and then there is the fact that if you live your life as an FA, you’ll witness and have to decide how to deal with anti-fat bigotry.
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Old 03-19-2014, 09:58 AM   #6
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Never really had that 'coming out' moment either. I have gotten the "you could do better" comments in the past. I really love when they question my self esteem. Diabetes runs on my fathers side of the family so of course I have to hear all about that. Just a little of my experiences.
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Old 03-25-2014, 04:07 PM   #7
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In my experience there are four reactions that people have when they discover that you like 'em fat.

Reaction #1. Confused:

The people who react with confusion believe that there is one, universal, objective, standard of beauty that everyone on planet Earth has agreed upon. They find it impossible to comprehend, or accept, that someone could be genuinely attracted to someone so far removed from what they understand to be beautiful. If your significant other is too fat to fit their standard than you must be either settling for a partner that you are not attracted to or you don't understand common beauty standards because you are secretly homosexual.

Reaction #2. Amused:

This is one of the better responses you could hope for. "A fat woman in a bikini!? This is literally the funniest thing that has ever happened!! Grab a shovel, we've struck COMEDY GOLD here people!!!" Again, this person associates a certain body type with beauty and, for them, seeing a fat person regarded as beautiful is like seeing their standards of beauty in a fun house mirror. If you're lucky; they're laughing with you and not at you.

Reaction #3. Disgusted:

Some people hate fat people. I mean really hate fat people. And guess what? By your association with a fat person, these people hate you too. When called out on their bigotry, "But what about her health?" is their first line of defense. In reality, none of them actually give a fuck about a fat person's health it's just sort of a reverse-rationalization of an irrational hatred. None of these people are ever honest enough to just admit that their objections are simply because they find fat people gross.

Reaction #4. Accepting:

Obviously, this is the best response one could hope for because, afterall, everybody wants to be accepted by somebody. Accepting people say things like "Well, if she makes you happy than that's all that matters." Sometimes they have one of the three responses listed above but they never express it to you on the off chance that you might know kung fu, which is close enough in my book.
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Old 03-27-2014, 05:35 AM   #8
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My worst experience was my mother in law saying that there is no such thing as being attracted to fat men and saying that I must be abusing her son because she believed that no one could love him because he's fat.
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Old 03-27-2014, 05:58 AM   #9
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My worst experience was my mother in law saying that there is no such thing as being attracted to fat men and saying that I must be abusing her son because she believed that no one could love him because he's fat.
Wow, think that maybe said a bit about her feelings toward her son?

Sorry you had such 'fun' with in-laws.
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Old 03-31-2014, 01:56 AM   #10
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Wow, think that maybe said a bit about her feelings toward her son?

Sorry you had such 'fun' with in-laws.
Unfortunately many fat people are treated like that by their parents.
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Old 03-31-2014, 04:48 PM   #11
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Wish a FA would come outta my closet ... Just kidding man those experiences are not fit... I've had much support from my family but my favorite comment speaking as a big person is " you've got such a beautiful face if ya lost a few pounds you'd be a knock out " so to you FAs out there thanks for having good taste and please come out of the closet it's dark in there
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Old 04-01-2014, 12:01 PM   #12
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In my experience there are four reactions that people have when they discover that you like 'em fat.

Reaction #1. Confused:

The people who react with confusion believe that there is one, universal, objective, standard of beauty that everyone on planet Earth has agreed upon. They find it impossible to comprehend, or accept, that someone could be genuinely attracted to someone so far removed from what they understand to be beautiful. If your significant other is too fat to fit their standard than you must be either settling for a partner that you are not attracted to or you don't understand common beauty standards because you are secretly homosexual.

Reaction #2. Amused:

This is one of the better responses you could hope for. "A fat woman in a bikini!? This is literally the funniest thing that has ever happened!! Grab a shovel, we've struck COMEDY GOLD here people!!!" Again, this person associates a certain body type with beauty and, for them, seeing a fat person regarded as beautiful is like seeing their standards of beauty in a fun house mirror. If you're lucky; they're laughing with you and not at you.

Reaction #3. Disgusted:

Some people hate fat people. I mean really hate fat people. And guess what? By your association with a fat person, these people hate you too. When called out on their bigotry, "But what about her health?" is their first line of defense. In reality, none of them actually give a fuck about a fat person's health it's just sort of a reverse-rationalization of an irrational hatred. None of these people are ever honest enough to just admit that their objections are simply because they find fat people gross.

Reaction #4. Accepting:

Obviously, this is the best response one could hope for because, afterall, everybody wants to be accepted by somebody. Accepting people say things like "Well, if she makes you happy than that's all that matters." Sometimes they have one of the three responses listed above but they never express it to you on the off chance that you might know kung fu, which is close enough in my book.
This is an excellent post in describing one dimension of reaction. What you described is the "range of reaction", and as far as "range" goes, sure #4 is best. But I think far more important is the "depth of reaction".

The depth of reaction deals with how significant that piece of news seems to be. In this regard, the best reaction and response can be described as nonplussed, or inconsequential. I'd accept any of the otherwise less acceptable range of responses over a person who talks of acceptance, but goes on to keep discussing their acceptance.

A favorite TV show of mine was "All In The Family". It was a sit-com that dealt with the social-political issues of its day, such as race relations. One character, Michael Stivic (played by Rob Reiner), was a liberal who focused on civil rights issues.

In context of our reactions, you can classify Michael Stivic's range of reaction to race equality as "Accepting", but his depth of reaction to the issue what was most significant. The show's writers tried to make that point about his depth of reaction to societal issues and "acceptance" as problematic.

In one episode, Mike and his Afro-American neighbor Lionel were playing a board game in which you must bare your true feelings. As a self-professed civil rights champion, Mike assumed he felt he had a close bond with his neighbor. In the game, Lionel admitted that among the neighbors (including Michael's father-in-law, who represented some of the bigotry of the era), he was least comfortable getting close to Mike.

Lionel felt Mike looked at him first and foremost as a data point in the civil rights issue, pointing out for example, that almost every conversation Mike initiated with Lionel was about race relations. When Mike asks, "so you want me to talk about the weather?", Lionel's response was "Why not, black people have weather too!".

My point, regardless of whether a person responds to your acknowledgment of FA with a remark of acceptance, confusion, is less important than whether they look at you afterward as Mike sees Lionel.

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Old 04-02-2014, 07:41 PM   #13
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i've never really even had a bad experience with this shit. maybe people think i'll punch them in the neck if they talk mess.
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Old 04-07-2014, 08:34 AM   #14
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I don't know if this is a 'coming out' of the fa closet experience as I was pretty comfortable with my preference then. But a couple of years ago, my family and I were at a restaurant, and I was sitting by my grandmother who frequently came there. While eating she pointed to a woman nearby who she said often frequented the restaurant as well. Instead of feeling any mutual-ness, she ragged on the woman's body size and made a bunch of fat-phobic assumptions. Then she asked (I guess assuming I'd say no and agree with her bigotry) if I would date a woman her size. Not really thinking about how she was trying to frame the question, I just said yes and continued to eat trying not to start a confrontation in front of the family. She then started making horrible statements on my "ethicalness" and such to the point where I felt I needed to get up and leave. I didn't know how to deal with it because I'd never seen my grandmother act that way before, so I stayed outside till everyone was finished eating.
To her credit though, she did call a couple of days later saying what she did was wrong and sorry for being a jerk.
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Old 04-10-2014, 04:59 PM   #15
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I shared this on a different thread a few years back, but when I was in 7th grade there was this girl who was a bit bigger, whom I thought was just gorgeous, that I hung out with a lot. One day a group of guys pulled me away and circled me to ask me if I was blind or something.

I eventually came out to my two best friends and just said "dude, I'm actually attracted to fat girls as well. " It's kind of a running joke among my friends that I like fat girls, but we also joke about every noticeable trait in each one of us, and it's obviously all in good fun.

Eventually I just stopped coming out to people. I decided that I don't think fat women are gross and I don't need to justify my attraction. I just date whomever interests me.
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Old 04-12-2014, 11:37 AM   #16
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As worst experiences go, I'm sure I can count myself pretty darn lucky. I thought I'd share it though, because..... what we often perceive to be bad experiences (understandably) are mostly the kind where you just get a weird look or a comment that's half-friendly, half-snarky. I've found that it can sometimes be harder to respond to that kind of subtlety than an outright insult, though neither are fun.

A friend of mine, myself and my mom were chatting and guys we find attractive came up.
Friend: "Odette, wouldn't you like a guy like that?"
Mom: "Hasn't Odette ever told you what kind of guy she likes?"
Friend: "Ohhhh, that's right! She told me the other day. I was so disappointed " (There's the half-friendly, half-snarky.)
Odette: "Luckily it's not your 'problem' to worry about "
Friend: *giggles uncomfortably* "You're right. Different strokes..."

For the most part, I'm not in much of a closet actually, and people have been quite accepting.
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Old 04-12-2014, 01:32 PM   #17
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I guess I just hang out around the right people, because I've never gotten bull because of my preferences. Or it may be that I just tune out anyone who can't handle what I like. My parents weren't a problem, thankfully. My dad himself liked big ladies, and my mom was a big lady. She had self esteem issues related to her weight, but she never projected them onto any of my girlfriends.

Also, I was never "in the closet," so to speak. When I decided I liked BBWs, I started dating them. I didn't hide my girlfriends, was never ashamed to be in public with them, or any of that. I just did not care what anyone else thought.
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Old 04-12-2014, 10:23 PM   #18
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"...She then started making horrible statements on my "ethicalness" and such to the point where I felt I needed to get up and leave. I didn't know how to deal with it because I'd never seen my grandmother act that way before, so I stayed outside till everyone was finished eating...To her credit though, she did call a couple of days later saying what she did was wrong and sorry for being a jerk."
That's fairly common for people past a certain age. The minds's internal filter, of what types of thoughts are appropriate to express and to whom rapidly begins to deteriorate. It will happen to any of us if we're lucky enough to live that long.

So, if you feel like you're actually going to lose your temper and are about blow-up on an old person; it's definitely better to just walk away. But, just from a moral stand-point, don't feel like you can't just dismiss what they're saying as something they don't really mean or don't quite realize the full implications of it. More often than not, that will actually take you closer to the real truth of it. As with young children, you can give grandma & old people in general a pass on stuff like this.
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Old 06-21-2014, 12:12 AM   #19
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it's like a beautiful butterfly emerging it's cocoon... behold... the uncloseted FA


i don't discount that an FA goes thru a lot - however, my teeny argument when the random one has stated they have the worst end of the bargain is- unless you are a fat fa, you aren't seen as an fa, all the time, by everyone...
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Old 06-21-2014, 04:06 AM   #20
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I don't know if this is a 'coming out' of the fa closet experience as I was pretty comfortable with my preference then. But a couple of years ago, my family and I were at a restaurant, and I was sitting by my grandmother who frequently came there. While eating she pointed to a woman nearby who she said often frequented the restaurant as well. Instead of feeling any mutual-ness, she ragged on the woman's body size and made a bunch of fat-phobic assumptions. Then she asked (I guess assuming I'd say no and agree with her bigotry) if I would date a woman her size. Not really thinking about how she was trying to frame the question, I just said yes and continued to eat trying not to start a confrontation in front of the family. She then started making horrible statements on my "ethicalness" and such to the point where I felt I needed to get up and leave. I didn't know how to deal with it because I'd never seen my grandmother act that way before, so I stayed outside till everyone was finished eating.
To her credit though, she did call a couple of days later saying what she did was wrong and sorry for being a jerk.
Haha, I can't help wondering if the woman was me, given that I was living in Richmond a couple of years ago! LOL. That would be hilarious.
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Old 06-21-2014, 11:37 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by musicman View Post
Years ago, NAAFA used to have an "FA Workshop" at their annual conventions. It was a one-hour (or so) session for sharing experiences in the days before web-boards. There were some horrible experiences revealed there. One guy was told by his father, after his first date with a fat girl, that if he did that again, he shouldn't bother coming home, ever....
Honestly, I think most of such statements are cock-and-bull stories.
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Old 06-24-2014, 11:28 AM   #22
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i've never really even had a bad experience with this shit. maybe people think i'll punch them in the neck if they talk mess.

Solidarity! Must rep but can't rep.
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Old 06-24-2014, 11:34 AM   #23
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Worst experience.

Go to bar in shitty San Diego. Get into adjournment with really drunk college bro. Tell him to Fuck off back to his mommy and daddy and not come back until he's a fucking man.

He stu-stu-studered , "fu-fuck you and your ugly fat wife"

Three black out rage head buts later I'm explaining to the police how he slipped on some spilt beer after being asked to leave and smashed his face on the bar and foot rest on his way down.
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Old 06-24-2014, 02:29 PM   #24
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it's like a beautiful butterfly emerging it's cocoon... behold... the uncloseted FA


i don't discount that an FA goes thru a lot - however, my teeny argument when the random one has stated they have the worst end of the bargain is- unless you are a fat fa, you aren't seen as an fa, all the time, by everyone...
Hmm. I'm relatively "thin" by today's standards and I've never had that experience. Interesting.
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Old 06-25-2014, 09:58 AM   #25
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I've had a few poor experiences in the past, but nothing of note really. The only reason it may have seemed negative in the past is because I was developing the trait during the awkward teen trying to find himself phase a lot of people go through. Most of my peers and family didn't really get it, but ignored it over time because they thought it would be temporary.

- I was twelve when the curiosity hit me. My good friends at the time found out, and one of them thought it was a bit odd. He sort of blackmailed me about it until he realized he started having the same feelings. He now prefers chubby women.

- My stepfather didn't get it for years, but he would just ask me why a lot overall.

- On my seventeenth birthday, a friend asked me to date her, but I was already interested in dating someone else at the time. Even though I declined her for a number of reasons, she thought it was because she is thin. So she made it into sort of gossip, but I was already comfortable with my preferences. It was no big deal by then.

- It hasn't been too crazy in the military, but I've had a few moments where people make it a big deal. It has never been a major issue for me though.
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