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Old 09-10-2014, 04:58 PM   #1
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Default Never been approached by a BHM

This is an advice question with multiple questions I'd like you guys to address. Thanks.
I am an FFA in my early twenties and I've only had relationships with thin/muscular guys. Part of this is because I've only dated people who've approached me, meaning I've never been the one to start flirting with someone. I have no idea how to because as a woman I've never needed to or been expected to. The problem is that I'm most attracted to fat guys but none of them have ever approached me. I'm not fully sure why.
So I need advice for how to approach guys. I can't shake the fear that I'm just going to creep them out. I don't really have great social skills in that area. The only place I'd really feel comfortable actively hitting on a guy is at a club or a bar but usually there aren't any fat guys there (aside from douchey looking ex-frat boy type fat guys). In an ordinary situation I think it would seem strange and uncalled for. I think it would be easier if I was a bit more attractive instead of average level attractive. It would make the likelihood of being shot down so much lower.
I have a person in mind, a former acquaintance/friend of a friend who I lost touch with about two years ago but have recently gotten back in touch with (indirectly). In the two years of not seeing him he looks like he's gained like 100 to 150 pounds and now he's insanely good looking to me. We small talk awkwardly sometimes and I'm not sure how to change that or move beyond that. I'm assuming he isn't attracted to me based on having no evidence in his behavior that he's attracted to me. However I could be wrong.
Recommendations?
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Old 09-10-2014, 05:20 PM   #2
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Don't worry about not being approached. Honestly, people getting approached by random people, other than at a bar or club, really isn't as common as people seem to think it is. As for the guy you're interested in, ask him out for coffee or maybe to a mvid you've been wanting to see. Something low key, could be a date or just hanging out with a friend and see how he responds. Don't be afraid to let a guy know you like him, the worst that can happen is that he'll say no, you'll be a little embarrassed, and then you'll both move on.
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Old 09-10-2014, 05:50 PM   #3
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Since you're in your early twenties it's probably safe to assume that the fellow you're interested in is in the same age range and I know in my early twenties unless there were some serious signs of the girl liking me I was unwilling to put myself out there. Most fat guys are shy, whether by nature or societal need, and they learn pretty quick to button up and not take chances. Now obviously I can't speak for him, just offer the experiences of myself and the people I've known.

Even though it's scary as Hell it may be worth your while to just ask him straight up if he would be interested in you. He might be, he might not but if he is it's probably your best bet to find out as he probably isn't coming out of his shell without being hit over the head with signs.
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Old 09-10-2014, 06:58 PM   #4
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Flirtation can be a matter of incremental degrees. You don't have to approach someone out of the blue and ask for their number - it's challenging and can be quite confronting for a lot of people, and in reality most people meet dates through mutual friends rather than coffee shop lines - but if you want to get a date with a BHM, you have to make moves forward, even if they're small. You already know this.

Regarding this acquaintance, do you two have any tastes/interests in common? Ask him to go do something with you - tell him you're enjoying seeing him around more.

In terms of meeting other people, you don't have to hit on someone at a first meeting in order to express interest in them, but you do have to make active steps toward them - offer a way to keep in contact with them, and make the first step toward ongoing contact (the first text, the first IM) yourself, or suggest an activity you could enjoy together. Do you currently go to any regular events where you meet new people? Do you attend friends' parties when invited? Do you have an online dating profile? These are all good places to start.

One thing that can be helpful is focusing on being a more active participant in conversations. You've never done the asking out before, and I'm guessing you've never done the flirting before, so it's important to practice just being the active person in a conversation, the one spurring it on. Social skills are extremely learnable and can be practiced and honed. Whenever you're in a conversation with a new person, think of yourself as curious. Things are awkward when you keep your focus internal, when you're thinking all about how awkward and weird this is, overanalysing silences, constantly worrying about the impression you create. You can flirt more effectively by externalising your focus, by getting curious about other people and thus being the person who keeps a conversation flowing by asking questions and remarking on connections or interesting things. You have, within you, the mighty power to move beyond awkwardness! It mayn't feel that way in the midst of an awkward moment, but silence and vague mumbling can often be easily displaced with one or two good questions and an effort to find some common ground.
This site may well seem a little on-the-nose or obvious, but it could also be a useful resource http://succeedsocially.com/articlesconversation

Another thing is, you have to accept the fact that sometimes you will be shot down. Every guy who has ever approached you has had to accept that, and you want to date guys who belong to a group that are habitually told they're unsexy. They may fear being shot down far more than you do - the least you can do is give them an ego boost by flirting/asking them out. In the long term, by doing that, you're improving the chances of a BHM asking you out because you're putting the message out into the world that big guys have admirers and are attractive to you. It's ok to hear "no", and as Dita Von Teese says, you could be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there will still be somebody out there who just doesn't like peaches.
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Old 09-11-2014, 12:54 AM   #5
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I agree with what everybody else said!

Also, in terms of approaching people, it can be difficult but you can do it. I think the best way is to approach as a friend, to ask them about their shirt/hair etc... just something to get the conversation started. You don't have to go up and start flirting right away. That way if they aren't interested in talking to you then you don't feel so rejected as you were just being friendly.
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Old 09-11-2014, 05:42 AM   #6
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It's easier for a FFA to identify and pick a BHM out from a crowd than the other way around.
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Old 09-11-2014, 06:08 AM   #7
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It's easier for a FFA to identify and pick a BHM out from a crowd than the other way around.
Hahaha, true! We should start wearing badges or something! =p
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Old 09-11-2014, 06:30 AM   #8
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Regarding this acquaintance, do you two have any tastes/interests in common? Ask him to go do something with you - tell him you're enjoying seeing him around more.

In terms of meeting other people, you don't have to hit on someone at a first meeting in order to express interest in them, but you do have to make active steps toward them - offer a way to keep in contact with them, and make the first step toward ongoing contact (the first text, the first IM) yourself, or suggest an activity you could enjoy together. Do you currently go to any regular events where you meet new people? Do you attend friends' parties when invited? Do you have an online dating profile? These are all good places to start.
Well thanks for the advice everyone.
As for whether I have anything in common with this person, that's one of the problems, I don't really know. The situation is that I was friends with his roommate back then and only really knew him from group situations. I do remember though that he would laugh at my jokes so that's encouraging.

Another thing that makes me more nervous about approaching this specific person is that when I had actually decided I'd try flirting with him on facebook since online is a bit easier for me then real life I saw that he defriended me. That hasn't totally put me off as like I said I haven't seen this person in a few years but it does kind of make me think he wouldn't be interested in me. Also the lack of facebook means I can't creep on him and gain new information about him that I could use to make conversation better which makes me feel a little blind.

I like what some of you guys said about taking it incrementally though. I'm going to try and think of some conversation starting things to say next time I run into him. I just have to try and come up with something that would actually be semi interesting despite having no information.
I might see him tomorrow so we'll see how it goes...

Last edited by Tad; 09-11-2014 at 07:06 AM.
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Old 09-11-2014, 07:58 PM   #9
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Im going to just randomly start walking up to ladies and saying nothing other than, FFA?

I'm bound to hit gold eventually.
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Old 09-12-2014, 12:22 AM   #10
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Im going to just randomly start walking up to ladies and saying nothing other than, FFA?

I'm bound to hit gold eventually.
If someone did that to me I would probably look like a deer caught in the headlights, thinking that somehow they read my mind or something and knew!
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Old 09-12-2014, 01:26 AM   #11
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If someone did that to me I would probably look like a deer caught in the headlights, thinking that somehow they read my mind or something and knew!
Ha ha, that's how I'm going to roll from now on, I'm turning the tables people.

Deer's in headlights all over place.
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Old 09-12-2014, 06:11 AM   #12
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Ha ha, that's how I'm going to roll from now on, I'm turning the tables people.

Deer's in headlights all over place.
Do that in parts of the US and you'll eventually hit the response "Why yes--how did you know that I am part of 'Future Farmers of America'?"
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Old 09-12-2014, 06:49 AM   #13
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We need a smartphone app that FFAs and BHM's can install. It would have a needle display and clicks like a Geiger counter.
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Old 09-12-2014, 09:22 AM   #14
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We need a smartphone app that FFAs and BHM's can install. It would have a needle display and clicks like a Geiger counter.
To be honest, I don't think the FFAs will need an app to find BHM, you guys are kinda easy to spot! =p
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Old 09-12-2014, 09:34 AM   #15
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Im going to just randomly start walking up to ladies and saying nothing other than, FFA?

I'm bound to hit gold eventually.
This is brilliant.
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Hahaha, true! We should start wearing badges or something! =p
If FFAs are to wear badges, then it's only fair that men wear badges to let women know things like whether they know how to cook and clean up after themselves, if they might have enough children scattered about to start their own baseball team, if theres's a vindictive ex-wife lurking about somewhere, or if they've spent the last 10+ years of their adult lives living in their moms' basements.
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We need a smartphone app that FFAs and BHM's can install. It would have a needle display and clicks like a Geiger counter.
An FFA locator--I love it!

Seriously, for anyone out there wondering if someone they're attracted to is interested in them, there are a few things that are always a good sign. For example, if he or she (as the case may be) greets you like a long-lost friend every time you meet or finds casual excuses to touch you. Or if they modify their usual personal space parameters when interacting with you.

That last one is a big tell in my case. If I like someone (whether it be romantically or just as a friend), I'm likely to sit 3 inches away instead of the 3 feet I'd usually leave between myself and another person. I don't think I'm the only one that way, either. One of my friends tends to move closer to me when we speak and without giving it any apparent thought will do things like brush tendrils of hair away from my face when they get disturbed by the wind. Nothing inappropriate, just nice little signs of affection.

If the two people in question are unattached and the right gender combination, then simple liking can lead to something more.
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Old 09-12-2014, 12:34 PM   #16
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If FFAs are to wear badges, then it's only fair that men wear badges to let women know things like whether they know how to cook and clean up after themselves, if they might have enough children scattered about to start their own baseball team, if theres's a vindictive ex-wife lurking about somewhere, or if they've spent the last 10+ years of their adult lives living in their moms' basements.
In the spirit of full disclosure: yes, mostly, no, no, partially.


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To be honest, I don't think the FFAs will need an app to find BHM, you guys are kinda easy to spot! =p
But the app will indicate if they're available, so you don't have to look for a ring.
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Old 09-12-2014, 02:54 PM   #17
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We need a smartphone app that FFAs and BHM's can install. It would have a needle display and clicks like a Geiger counter.
While not specifically geared towards BHM and FFA's, you can always use the Tinder app. That way before you can even message each other both have to be into the other.
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Old 09-12-2014, 03:02 PM   #18
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While not specifically geared towards BHM and FFA's, you can always use the Tinder app. That way before you can even message each other both have to be into the other.
Tinder is... interesting. Though apparently it's gotten big enough that prostitutes are using it now, a guy friend of mine has run into a few on there.
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Old 09-12-2014, 04:06 PM   #19
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Since you're in your early twenties it's probably safe to assume that the fellow you're interested in is in the same age range and I know in my early twenties unless there were some serious signs of the girl liking me I was unwilling to put myself out there. Most fat guys are shy, whether by nature or societal need, and they learn pretty quick to button up and not take chances. Now obviously I can't speak for him, just offer the experiences of myself and the people I've known.

Even though it's scary as Hell it may be worth your while to just ask him straight up if he would be interested in you. He might be, he might not but if he is it's probably your best bet to find out as he probably isn't coming out of his shell without being hit over the head with signs.
This. All day long.
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Old 09-12-2014, 04:52 PM   #20
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In the spirit of full disclosure: yes, mostly, no, no, partially.
You get a green light on all of these for a clever, tongue-in-cheek post and because I think the last one only counts if it was for a really long time. There can be legitimate reasons for adults not to have their own places (health issues, financial considerations, etc.), but I think that in most cases it's unhealthy for grown children to stay with their parents forever. I love my parents, but the thought of living as an adult with either one of them makes me cringe, and dealing with someone else's parents on a frequent basis would probably be even worse. (Think Debra in Everybody Loves Raymond.)

Anyway, good luck to you magodamilion. Try not to overanalyze things, find the courage to put yourself out there a least a little, and hopefully things will work out.
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Old 09-12-2014, 04:54 PM   #21
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This is brilliant.

If FFAs are to wear badges, then it's only fair that men wear badges to let women know things like whether they know how to cook and clean up after themselves, if they might have enough children scattered about to start their own baseball team, if theres's a vindictive ex-wife lurking about somewhere, or if they've spent the last 10+ years of their adult lives living in their moms' basements.

An FFA locator--I love it!

Seriously, for anyone out there wondering if someone they're attracted to is interested in them, there are a few things that are always a good sign. For example, if he or she (as the case may be) greets you like a long-lost friend every time you meet or finds casual excuses to touch you. Or if they modify their usual personal space parameters when interacting with you.

That last one is a big tell in my case. If I like someone (whether it be romantically or just as a friend), I'm likely to sit 3 inches away instead of the 3 feet I'd usually leave between myself and another person. I don't think I'm the only one that way, either. One of my friends tends to move closer to me when we speak and without giving it any apparent thought will do things like brush tendrils of hair away from my face when they get disturbed by the wind. Nothing inappropriate, just nice little signs of affection.

If the two people in question are unattached and the right gender combination, then simple liking can lead to something more.
You have armed me with all the info I needed. I'ms a gonna get ya
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Old 09-12-2014, 05:13 PM   #22
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You have armed me with all the info I needed. I'ms a gonna get ya
Lol. I didn't know there were any guys your age into middle-aged, married women, but I have to admit the thought is kinda tempting.
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Old 09-12-2014, 07:30 PM   #23
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I've never had a problem approaching women. Well at least not in the last 15 years or so.

This whole FFA thing I don't understand all the time. I'm not walking around thinking about if a woman's preference is "fat dudes". I'd actually be kinda offended if that was the only reason a woman would have interest in me.

I also don't think of women who like big dudes as some mythical creatures or even more so thin women who like big dudes as some sort of Faberge Egg.

Maybe it's because I live in the Midwest and there's a lot of people who are what society considers overweight.

Maybe it's because I fall into the smaller category of BHM or Maybe personality goes a long way and the way you carry yourself.

I just know I don't need any badges telling me it's ok for my fatass to speak to another human.


People are just people to me. I know that's not how it goes with all the societal fuckery but that's just how I look at it and it seems to do me just fine.

Two cents shared. Whatever, Carry on.
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Old 09-13-2014, 04:13 AM   #24
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WHR, I doubt that many people would disagree with most or even all of what you said. Maybe guys that lack some of your confidence just wish there were some way to avoid women who might not look with favor upon them, whatever the reason, and vice versa. No one likes to be rejected.

Also, I think some of us enjoy being a bit silly (I am frequently guilty of this) and that you realize that some of the comments here were not meant to be taken seriously.
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Old 09-13-2014, 06:15 AM   #25
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Yes I do get that it wasn't serious I was just using it to make a point.

My question is, what is there to be afraid of? Rejection? Big deal. You don't hit every jump shot.

Is some woman going to chastise you because you're fat and wanted to talk to her? If she's that kind of person do you really want to talk to her anyway?
Plus if she is she's probably boring anyway.

Unless you have some type of humiliation fetish then I'm guessing the answer is no,you would not like to talk to that person.

My whole point is everyone is just a human, no matter how special someone might think they are, in reality they are not.

Everyone gets diarrhea...even Christina Hendriks.
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