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Old 10-07-2014, 10:49 AM   #1
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Default BHM asking out FFA?

I want to hear stories of BHM asking out FFA. I don’t care if it comes from FFA or from BHM or from a 3rd party observer. But I am curious about as much info as possible about what led up to it (did they know each other for a while, or just meet? On-line or off?, etc), and his thoughts (did he have high confidence she’d say yes? Was he just taking a wild gamble? Did he know she was an FFA or that she was interested in him, somehow?)

One repeated refrain on here is from FFA, lamenting that fat guys never ask them out. The response from the BHM side of things is typically “Well, how would a fat guy have any idea that you might be interested in him, when the vast majority of women wouldn’t be?” So I want to hear about when this ‘gap’ was overcome, and how it went down.

For that matter, even if the guy isn't a BHM, but would be of some other demographic that could expect most women might not be interested (basically that stereotypes say women would not be attracted to), that could be relevant too.

For my part, meh, I wasn’t more than a little bit chubby when I was single, and I was too nervous/shy to make the first move, so I have no story of my own to contribute.
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Old 10-07-2014, 11:16 AM   #2
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This is a tough one, mostly because BHM don't tend to ask FFA out. They tend to ask women out (or guys).

When I've asked someone on a date it's tended to go one of two ways:
1) Refusal-- varying degrees of bluntness
2) Obliviousness to the intentions behind it-- because fat men often aren't seen as sexual/romantic beings.
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Old 10-07-2014, 01:04 PM   #3
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My ex was a BHM and he made most of the first moves. It is hard to say what is considered the 'first move' to me.

- my ex contacted me on deviantART as he had a hunch I might like BHM
- he asked me to cam with him
- he was the first one to say he loved me
- he was the first one to ask me to be his girlfriend as opposed to fwb
- I was the one to successfully ask him to be my partner (I turned him down the first time)

So technically I was the one who asked us to get together as a couple and be successful about it but he was the first one to contact me. Everything else kinda happened all at once.

I've had other BHM approach me online in a romantic fashion but I tend to make it apparent that I like bigger guys.
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Old 10-07-2014, 02:09 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Sasquatch! View Post
This is a tough one, mostly because BHM don't tend to ask FFA out. They tend to ask women out (or guys).
Good point! Bad wording on my part. (I was thinking of the population here--what was the experience of FFA being asked out by big guys (or not asked out), then broadened it to include what BHM had done....but didn't fix the wording.
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Old 10-07-2014, 03:05 PM   #5
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My first boyfriend was chubby, but I wouldn't call him a BHM. We had already been friends for a few years; one day he just looked at me rather intently, as if to gauge my expression, then leaned over and kissed me.

Only one guy that would likely qualify as a BHM ever asked me out. I was the T.A. for an undergraduate course he was taking; and I was a little surprised that he asked me, because I didn't think that I had interacted with him in a more personal way than with any of the other students. However, I did like him, and it was probably perceptive of him to realize that I didn't see anything wrong with his appearance. Unfortunately, I had to turn him down, because I was i) already seeing someone, ii) responsible for grading his exams while receiving a graduate stipend from the university, and iii) 26 or 27 with my own apartment in the city, while he was barely out of his teens and living in the dorm. I felt really bad about it, though; it's awful to hurt someone's feelings, especially a nice guy who was brave enough to put himself out there like that.

Realizing that only one person that might be described as a BHM ever asked me out made me question myself, wondering if I had overlooked them in high school or university. I even dug out my old yearbooks to take a look, but there really wasn't anyone in my class who fit that description. It seems like there are a lot more big guys my age around these days.
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Old 10-07-2014, 03:42 PM   #6
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Ok, this guy hasn't "asked me out," but he has initiated sex a few times (and it is TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE for numerous reasons, so I'm not going to provide too many details).

The first time, I barely knew him, but he just pulled me over and kissed me while a crowd of acquaintances stood there, wondering wtf was going on.

The next few times, we'd both be out drinking together and he would really obviously hit on me, but he's such a smart, successful, hilarious guy that it would always work I just really respect him and think he's super attractive, so I guess this anecdote wasn't too helpful for anyone looking for tips.

Oh, and he did not/does not know that I'm an FFA. We barely knew each other, the first time, and he probably just did it because he was a drunk, arrogant American
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Old 10-07-2014, 04:07 PM   #7
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I swear it's a numbers game. I just met more and more people, and eventually I found women who like the large men, or are open minded to trying something new, or find personality traits/external factors (aside from money, and yes these women exist. I've had seemingly platonic girl friends admit crushes based on my knowledge of something/profession/hobby/talent). Usually I could tell if they were hitting on me. Sometimes I'd hit on a girl I found attractive if I thought I had picked up signals. Some times I was wrong and got rejected. I didn't take it personally. I just remembered that the more people I met, the more chances I'd find a different situation.

Also, I find that in the current social atmosphere, us big cuddly nice guys are starting to look more and more attractive to women.

Also, dressing well, smelling good, and being polite/mannerly/respectful goes a long way with the ladies.
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Old 10-09-2014, 06:59 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melian View Post
Ok, this guy hasn't "asked me out," but he has initiated sex a few times (and it is TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE for numerous reasons, so I'm not going to provide too many details).

The first time, I barely knew him, but he just pulled me over and kissed me while a crowd of acquaintances stood there, wondering wtf was going on.

The next few times, we'd both be out drinking together and he would really obviously hit on me, but he's such a smart, successful, hilarious guy that it would always work I just really respect him and think he's super attractive, so I guess this anecdote wasn't too helpful for anyone looking for tips.

Oh, and he did not/does not know that I'm an FFA. We barely knew each other, the first time, and he probably just did it because he was a drunk, arrogant American
As a fellow drunk arrogant american I commend him.

And to quote a great Canadian "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

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Old 10-09-2014, 04:07 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by WhiteHotRazor View Post
As a fellow drunk arrogant american I commend him.

And to quote a great Canadian "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

#waltersboy
Love it
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Old 10-09-2014, 04:33 PM   #10
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Ok so my new strategy, I put a card board cutout of a fatter Chris Pratt in front of a crowd of women. Then this will draw the attention of any ffa's in attendance (they can't resist him). As the confused women flock to the cutout I will attack from the side like the dinosaur in Jurassic Park...Hmmm

The Jurassic parks and recreation technique.

It can't fail.
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Old 10-09-2014, 06:59 PM   #11
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As the confused women flock to the cutout I will attack from the side like the dinosaur in Jurassic Park...
Clever boy.
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Old 10-10-2014, 02:37 AM   #12
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I have a love story for you Tad that happened to me pretty recently. It covers the topic of asking out a FFA and also covers a topic that a lot of BHM experience with skinny FFAs.

So it was about a year after my divorce when I started talking to someone I met on Facebook through a mutual friend, we'll call her J. J saw me commenting on our friend's wall and added me because she thought I was funny. J's relationship ended pretty badly, and I commented on her post trying to cheer her up some. Ever since that day we started talking through FB chat that involved into text messages and phone calls. Let me make it clear I wasn't trying to swoop in for the rebound or look for anything else for that matter, I was simply just being a nice guy and trying to cheer someone up. Getting cheated on is the worst thing ever, that pain hurts more than just breaking up with someone.

We talked about everyday for a year. Ideally J had just about everything I would look for in a relationship. She was attractive, short, funny, skinny, tattoos, piercings, same kinds of fetishes, and even was a little bit crazy. I honestly believed there was no way she could be attracted to me. J was 160 pounds and I was 495 pounds. I just couldn't bring myself to believe it at the time.

During the time J and I were talking I ended up meeting someone on Dims, we'll call her F. F and I hit it off great over private messages. We moved onto text messages. F was 6 hours away from me and we decided to meet up. We hit it off even more and after the 3rd time we met up I decided to pop the question and ask her out. It was kind of easier since we had been meeting up before and you don't drive 6 hours out of the way to meet up if they don't like you, but this was still something totally out of my comfort zone. I think losing a lot of weight really gained a lot of confidence in myself.

So after I told J about F and I making it official, J got weird. It's not like what I did was a dickish move on my part. J and I talked about everything imaginable all the time. J told me all about her failed dates, booty calls, and random dudes hitting on her. I told J everything about F, so I honestly thought J and I were just good friends who were open with each other. Apparently I was wrong, because after F and I made it Facebook official she came out and told me about how she had this huge crush on me and wanted me the whole time. I felt like total shit.

J and I are still very good friends. After looking back on it and seeing it from a different perspective, I can see where there were some signs that she might have been attracted to me. I just wish I noticed them then.
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Old 10-10-2014, 02:52 AM   #13
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Clever boy.
I'm pretty smart that's for sure.
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Old 10-10-2014, 10:09 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melian View Post
Ok, this guy hasn't "asked me out," but he has initiated sex a few times (and it is TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE for numerous reasons, so I'm not going to provide too many details).

The first time, I barely knew him, but he just pulled me over and kissed me while a crowd of acquaintances stood there, wondering wtf was going on.

The next few times, we'd both be out drinking together and he would really obviously hit on me, but he's such a smart, successful, hilarious guy that it would always work I just really respect him and think he's super attractive, so I guess this anecdote wasn't too helpful for anyone looking for tips.

Oh, and he did not/does not know that I'm an FFA. We barely knew each other, the first time, and he probably just did it because he was a drunk, arrogant American
Smart, confident, and funny is a pretty irresistible combination.

Quote:
Originally Posted by biglynch View Post
Ok so my new strategy, I put a card board cutout of a fatter Chris Pratt in front of a crowd of women. Then this will draw the attention of any ffa's in attendance (they can't resist him). As the confused women flock to the cutout I will attack from the side like the dinosaur in Jurassic Park...Hmmm

The Jurassic parks and recreation technique.

It can't fail.
How did you find this out--who told?!

Lil BigginZ, I'm glad that you've had a chance to connect with women like J and F, but I don't think you should feel bad about not realizing that J was interested in being more than FB/phone friends. She should have spoken up/made her feelings clearer while you were still unattached! Telling you when you were happy about being in a new relationship seems a bit uncool. If she framed it as light-hearted banter, such as "I'm really happy for you and F, but it was bad news for the rest of us to hear that you're taken ," it would be one thing, but your reaction suggests that was not the case. Your point that we should have enough self-confidence to believe that someone might find us attractive is a good one, though.

It's great that F was willing to go the extra mile for you (literally) and seems to have been more honest about her feelings. That kind of straightforwardness makes relationships and life in general a lot simpler.
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Old 10-11-2014, 02:47 PM   #15
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She should have spoken up/made her feelings clearer
Hear that, women of the board? Make yourselves clear to me
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Old 10-13-2014, 10:32 AM   #16
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I wasn't even aware FFAs were more than a myth a couple days ago. I'd convinced myself it was an elaborate hoax.
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Old 10-13-2014, 11:25 AM   #17
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I've always felt the cold approach holds the most risk, least reward potential for a BHM. There's a definite size and intimidation factor that comes with being much bigger guy that is off-putting to even FFAs.

A warm approach; connecting to people with the genuine intent of being friends and getting to know them better, will make it easier to gauge their reaction and determine if there's mutual chemistry there.

That presents its own challenge though, of the other person assuming you're not interested in anything more than friendship and being oblivious to your ovations. How to balance making your intentions clear without being pushy/creepy and knowing when there's no spark there to be had and backing down is a crazy hard line for many guys to walk.
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Old 10-13-2014, 01:19 PM   #18
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I just ordered a shirt that says "fat guys make me wet" and I'm gonna wear it to my uni. It's an IT department so there's plenty of fatties. If anyone makes a move I will let you know hahahaha
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Old 10-13-2014, 01:29 PM   #19
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I've always felt the cold approach holds the most risk, least reward potential for a BHM. There's a definite size and intimidation factor that comes with being much bigger guy that is off-putting to even FFAs.

A warm approach; connecting to people with the genuine intent of being friends and getting to know them better, will make it easier to gauge their reaction and determine if there's mutual chemistry there.

That presents its own challenge though, of the other person assuming you're not interested in anything more than friendship and being oblivious to your ovations. How to balance making your intentions clear without being pushy/creepy and knowing when there's no spark there to be had and backing down is a crazy hard line for many guys to walk.
I honestly can just imagine. I know of a few FFAs, myself certainly included, who've generally come to accept that it might best benefit us all for us ladies to be the chaser-downers I'm certainly happy with that role, and comfortable in it at this stage. In the beginning, I should add. Once you know I'm crazy about you, you can feel free to do some wooing and pursuing of your own too And, though this may sound unlikely, believe me when I say....go-getter FFAs know the taste of initiatory rejection. Perhaps in a way that a lot of other women aren't able to appreciate.

That said, I was actually asked out by my ex. I probably would have eventually asked him out at some point, he just beat me to it. But then, he's a blind man, so BHM-ness seemed less of a factor (to him than the disability, I suppose). He's a rather perceptive guy and also very confident - almost to a fault. So I think he just realised there was a mutual spark and felt brave enough to act on it. He just said he had something he wanted to tell me, talked briefly about how much he valued our friendship, and then just came out and said "I really really like you."
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Old 10-13-2014, 01:38 PM   #20
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I just ordered a shirt that says "fat guys make me wet" and I'm gonna wear it to my uni. It's an IT department so there's plenty of fatties. If anyone makes a move I will let you know hahahaha
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Old 10-14-2014, 03:29 PM   #21
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I honestly can just imagine. I know of a few FFAs, myself certainly included, who've generally come to accept that it might best benefit us all for us ladies to be the chaser-downers I'm certainly happy with that role, and comfortable in it at this stage. In the beginning, I should add. Once you know I'm crazy about you, you can feel free to do some wooing and pursuing of your own too
The world needs more of this.
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Old 10-14-2014, 05:03 PM   #22
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The world needs more of this.
I agree that it's a good strategy; I tended to do this even back when I was still silly enough to think I might want to pursue thin men.

The only issue is, in certain cases, underestimating just how much awful self-esteem can impact someone's view of the situation. You can think you're being very clear about it...but the other person is SO not used to it, they think you're being nice or are too incredulous to take the last step? Though this is probably more of an issue with fat men who are less experienced.

At any rate, it's discouraging to the FFA who has worked up the initiative to be the aggressor.
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Old 10-17-2014, 12:40 AM   #23
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trying to romance their way to his treasure map.
........Everyone needs to start using this euphemism. Please.
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Old 11-12-2014, 05:36 AM   #24
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I once kinda got asked out by a BHM through the use of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song. True story.
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Old 11-17-2014, 04:33 PM   #25
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I realized I ask everyone out. Just because someone is attracted to a certain body type (in this case fat) doesn't mean I can assume that just because I'm fat, and this person likes fat people, they will find me attractive. Ergo, I ask everyone out. I refuse to limit myself on potential partners.
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