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Old 03-29-2015, 06:44 PM   #1
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Default Dom/Sub Roles?

Recently it has occurred to me I am emerging as the sub in my marriage within certain contexts. I am fully embracing this growing trend and willing to accept my role and place within these contexts.

I think there's been some "sub" in me since going back to my first girlfriend, who was a chubby girl. But like my attraction for overweight women, I tried for years to suppress the "sub" in me because I just didn't see it as masculine and was a little embarrassed at that part of me.

Things changed with one girlfriend.

Earlier I shared a post on a former girlfriend I had before I was married (post linked below). I found myself falling into the submissive role in our relationship and found I liked it. Prior to "J" I had experimented with dom and sub roles, but nothing overbearing either way. I'm not talking ball gags, those suits, and BDSM type stuff. (Nor am I judging those who pursue those delights.) I just pursued normal relationships with people and based on our personalities sometimes I was the more dominant partner, but other times I fell into the submissive role.

With that said, it was with J I realized I enjoyed and embraced the submissive role. I was a little uneasy with it before her, but with her I learned it was more or less my natural place. I've been a mild sub ever since. Now, fast forward 10 years to the present day. I'm married (as my screen name indicates) and happily so. But I find more and more that the sub in me is beginning to manifest itself in our marriage. My wife is picking up on it too, I think.

Some examples include but are not limited to:

Name calling: Within the last few weeks she has in a playful and loving way called me "her bitch," "her asswipe" "slave" and other terms that people would consider belittling.

Public belittling: Last night we were at Lowe's looking at some ideas for some touch ups to our home. Within earshot of another couple she said I was just a "penis and a paycheck" and to keep my ideas to myself because she's going to do what she wants anyway. I knew it was playful and affectionate, but the other couple didn't and there was something awesome about them thinking my wife was belittling me in public like that.

Her body is her body, but my body is her body too: This morning I mentioned a fitness article I read about bicep curls and how many believe them to be an inefficient exercise. After sharing the arguments with her she said, "It doesn't matter anyway. You're doing them because they bring aesthetic appeal to your arms. You don't have a say: you're doing them." (I wasn't planning on stopping anyway.)

Servitude: We had sex one night and when we finished she said she needed to clean the bathroom in our master suite. She told me I could help. She literally grabbed my by my still-hard penis and led me into the bathroom and told me to clean the shower. Not only did she stand there and watch, but she eventually started filming and even sent a short clip to her workout partner. Then the workout partner called and my wife had her on speaker phone as the two of them jokes about my wife enslaving me. Workout partner pointed out to both of us that as long as my wife has the vagina she has the power. She is right.

These are all marked symptoms of aggression and dominance I'm seeing out of her. I can't help but wonder if her weight loss has ignited this in her, and I am all to eager to be on the receiving end of this kind of treatment. I am not going to bring this up to her, I am just going to keep my eyes pealed for more examples and embrace them as they come.

I want to stress this: I am entirely compliant in the way she treats me in these instances. I also think it is entirely possible to be in a dom/sub relationship without it being abusive or belittling (beyond what is acceptable to both parties).

Finally I think we have a very good marriage, and this is introducing a new dynamic to it. I am eager to see where this is going to go.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on my recent experiences as well as share some of your own.

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Old 03-29-2015, 07:17 PM   #2
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I think, maybe not so much the weight loss, but the progression of how these relationships work. If you do not outright say "I am ____ type in the bedroom."...it sort of comes about over time. From the sounds of it, it started out slow and is building up. Sounds like good things to come!
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Old 03-29-2015, 07:24 PM   #3
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You may be right. It could be the weight loss or it could be a natural progression of things within our relationship. Whatever the cause of it, I'm glad it's happening.
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Old 03-29-2015, 07:38 PM   #4
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Have fun, but please don't include non consenting strangers in your kink. You may get off on being belittled in public but you could very well make other people extremely uncomfortable. It's better to keep that sort of talk to a whisper.

BDSM can definitely be healthy so long as everyone is a consenting adult. My boyfriend and I have an element of D/s in our relationship, though the distance and our crazy schedules means it fluctuates a bit.
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Old 03-29-2015, 08:21 PM   #5
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I don't see being within earshot as non consenting... there are a million issues that might make other people uncomfortable.
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Old 03-30-2015, 02:57 AM   #6
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Have fun, but please don't include non consenting strangers in your kink. You may get off on being belittled in public but you could very well make other people extremely uncomfortable. It's better to keep that sort of talk to a whisper.
I definitely see what you're saying. I can assure you my wife was not aware of their presence or she would not have said what she said. She's not an "in your face" kind of person to others. For my part it wasn't "involving" the other couple that I liked. It was an involuntary positive reaction to their reaction.

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I don't see being within earshot as non consenting... there are a million issues that might make other people uncomfortable.
Having said the above, I agree with this, too. I don't go out of my way to make people feel uncomfortable or offend anyone, but some people will be offended by you just being there. So I also refuse to walk on egg shells. I don't think my wife would have said her comment had she known they were there, but she did. They were both shocked, maybe even a little offended. I'm sorry they were, but maintain nobody has the right to not be offended.

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BDSM can definitely be healthy so long as everyone is a consenting adult. My boyfriend and I have an element of D/s in our relationship, though the distance and our crazy schedules means it fluctuates a bit.
I don't see us going that route. Then again, who knows? It may start with just one little toy and who knows what can happen after that?
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:00 AM   #7
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I definitely didn't mean to imply that you'd intentionally make people uncomfortable or that you or your wife did anything wrong in this situation. I was merely commenting that for those of us that are into things a little outside the norm it's import to be aware of our surrounding before making comments that could potentially be overheard by children. There's no reason to walk on eggshells and yes there's always someone that could be offended by something, but there's no harm in pausing to think or check your surroundings before saying something outside of what's generally considered socially acceptable. For example, I call my boyfriend Daddy in private, but in public I call him by his first name. It's not like I'm majorly inconviencing myself, but I am keeping others' feelings in mind.
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Old 03-30-2015, 09:34 AM   #8
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^ Point taken and appreciated, Lillie. I agree with having a good sense of situational awareness can go a long way, both in terms of courtesy to others as well as a general practice.
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Old 03-30-2015, 11:53 AM   #9
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I'm glad that you two are working out a dynamic that works for both of you
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Old 03-30-2015, 03:06 PM   #10
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Thanks, Tad. Again, I am not entirely certain if I am imagining this stuff or if it is really happening. I am definitely not imagining the way she talks to me/treats me. What I'm not sure is if she is really growing into a more dominant version of herself or if I am reading too much into it. And I have to stress: It's in good fun and I am by no means complaining. If my wife is growing into the dominant partner in this relationship, I am all for it. I am going to embrace my role.

With that said, I was thinking today that I could use this to strengthen our marriage, too. You see, despite being a bit of a sub, I am pretty strong willed and opinionated on a lot of things. So is my wife. Naturally this can sometimes lead to us butting heads. This is an opportunity for me to further solidify the roles in our marriage by thinking twice and deferring to her in areas that in the past would become battlegrounds. This will reinforce my position as the submissive partner as well as defuse many potential arguments before they start. I believe this will help our marriage thrive in the long run, too.

I know there are a lot of guys out there who would just cringe reading these ideas. That's fine with me, I've got something good here and I think it is on the brink of getting even better. If being submissive and subjecting myself to my wife is grounds for turning in my "man card" then I'll hand it over without hesitation. It's not like I need some silly card to still be a real man.
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Old 03-30-2015, 03:35 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by happily_married View Post
I know there are a lot of guys out there who would just cringe reading these ideas. That's fine with me, I've got something good here and I think it is on the brink of getting even better. If being submissive and subjecting myself to my wife is grounds for turning in my "man card" then I'll hand it over without hesitation. It's not like I need some silly card to still be a real man.
I just want to start by saying that you are doing what makes you and your wife happily and you obviously care a great deal about her and that is always lovely to see. So keep on being awesome.

But also, just so know, it isn't only men that would cringe reading those ideas. I do, as a woman, because I'm naturally headstrong and dominant. I think that dominance isn't really linked to gender all that much. You definitely aren't less of a men for being submissive, you can be sub and masculine for sure.
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Old 03-31-2015, 05:48 AM   #12
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I just want to start by saying that you are doing what makes you and your wife happily and you obviously care a great deal about her and that is always lovely to see. So keep on being awesome.
Thanks, Loopy. And everyone else for your support, too.

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But also, just so know, it isn't only men that would cringe reading those ideas. I do, as a woman, because I'm naturally headstrong and dominant. I think that dominance isn't really linked to gender all that much. You definitely aren't less of a men for being submissive, you can be sub and masculine for sure.
I actually agree. Being submissive and masculine are not mutually exclusive. However a lot of males believe they are, so my comment was directed more toward that general notion held by many males. A lot of them will tell you women want to be dominated and told what to do. They'll claim she will lose respect for a man she can "walk all over." But being the dominant partner in a relationship doesn't mean she is going to walk all over me.

This brings me to the idea of trust and respect. While I want my wife to grow more dominant and for me to become more submissive to her, I don't want to ever see a point where she loses respect for me or I lose my trust in her. Being submissive does open me up to be undermined in front of friends or family, or even random couples. Lillie made a good point to be mindful of this. While it may give me a little bit of a thrill to be dominated by her with others around to see it happen, ultimately I want to hit the right balance between trust and respect. I trust her to respect me enough to know when it's okay to push me around (figuratively speaking, not abusively) and when it's not. For example, in front of her workout partner is okay (workout partner is coaching her anyway, I think so may as well be open in front of her). In front of our kids, not so much.

Does this make sense?
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Old 03-31-2015, 07:00 AM   #13
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I find that when I work out and lose weight, that I get kind of bossy, too. I seem to get more assertive with people when I train.
As far as the dom stuff goes, I like to throw in a little, just for fun, but as wonderful as it may sound to call my husband my bitch-boy and order him to clean the bathroom, I couldn't disrespect him like that and feel good about it. But, that's just me.

To the OP, was/is you mother a dominant personality? I wonder if that accounts for your embracing the sub role so whole-heartedly.
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Old 03-31-2015, 07:41 AM   #14
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I find that when I work out and lose weight, that I get kind of bossy, too. I seem to get more assertive with people when I train.
Interesting. I am glad someone else is drawing a correlation to training and fitness. I think the confidence that comes with success in her fitness goals breeds confidence in other areas of her life too and this confidence manifests itself in the form of a more dominant approach in her interaction with me. I also really credit her workout partner, which I've alluded to already. She is a pretty strong personality (while simultaneously being a totally awesome sweetheart) and gives my wife an outlet for ideas she previously didn't have. She can be a bit rough around the edges, too and isn't afraid to tease me about being my wife's slave. Especially after the video she saw. So having a newfound confidence along with a partner in crime seems to really be the engine behind this new and growing trend.

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As far as the dom stuff goes, I like to throw in a little, just for fun, but as wonderful as it may sound to call my husband my bitch-boy and order him to clean the bathroom, I couldn't disrespect him like that and feel good about it. But, that's just me.
I understand you would consider it disrespectful, but I just want to reiterate that within our marriage this was not disrespectful. Every couple has a different dynamic. I think if my wife can call me her bitch, lead me around by my and order me to do things and it makes her feel good then I am all for it!

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To the OP, was/is you mother a dominant personality? I wonder if that accounts for your embracing the sub role so whole-heartedly.
Actually, no. She wasn't/isn't decidedly one way or the other. I've flirted with the sub role off and on throughout my life but only really fully embraced it with my girlfriend identified in the post linked in the initial post to this thread. My wife was not necessarily a dom when we first met, but there were a few isolated incidents where she would decide something and inform me I didn't have a choice. I think her emergence as a dom may be a chance for us to strengthen our marriage because it is making me more mindful of opportunities to submit to her. This in turn will help us avoid conflict. So it's a fun new dynamic for us, but it does serve a very practical purpose, too. It's character development for me and an investment in "us" long term.
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:28 AM   #15
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I'd just say to keep in mind that some people enjoy a certain degree of conflict (it isn't always a bad thing). That may or may not apply to your wife, but keep in mind small variations in the vicinity of the status quo are not always good indicators of big changes that will be good. i.e. nudging the heat up an extra degree on a miserable winter day might be pleasant, it doesn't mean that you want the heat to be kept up several degrees higher all of the time.

So that she may seem happy when you give way on certain issues doesn't mean that she doesn't want resistance from you on issues in general.

Again, I don't know either of you, so this could be a total non-issue. I'm just saying to be careful.
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:08 PM   #16
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Definitely spot on, Tad. Being a sub won't mean I'm a total pushover though. I think the key word here is "balance." The task for me (and my wife) is to find the right balance. Like I said earlier, I don't want it to reach a point where she no longer respects me. Truthfully I am not worried about that either. She is a kind and compassionate person. That won't change even if she lets her feisty side grow a little.

Oh, and another thing. This sort of builds off my response to Loopy from a few posts ago. While I want to be a sub to my wife, I will be a sub to her and only her. I mentioned that a lot of guys don't consider that to be masculine. I'm okay with other guys thinking whatever they so choose about me. But I am no sub to anyone besides my wife. I am not a chest-beating tough guy, but anyone else who tries to play dom over me will find out in a hurry. That dog won't hunt.
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Old 04-09-2015, 06:45 PM   #17
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An update on this topic.

Tonight shortly after I got home from work my wife and I went up to our room for some "us" time. As things got heated, she stopped and tugged some of my hair. The hair. She said, "I've been meaning to tell you, I want you to trim this."

I said "Right now?"

She nodded.

I said, ""

She said, "No until it's done."

I went into the bathroom and got out the clippers. She followed and stood with her arms crossed, watching. She even helped at one point.

As we finished up she said, "This is how it needs to look from now on. Do this every 2 or 3 days from now on. Your 'friend' looks better when he's not hiding in the woods."

I said, "So do I even get a say in how I maintain my own penis and the hair around it?"

She laughed and said, "Oh, honey, it's not yours. It might be attached to you, but it belongs to ME."

Yeah...she pretty much owned me with that comment.

Comments like this as well as the assertiveness (insisting I trim up) are becoming more and more frequent. I am definitely liking the way things are heading!
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Old 04-12-2015, 09:36 PM   #18
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or it may be that a relationship sometimes has nothing whatsoever to do with power dynamics but just with the fact that each person grows changes and develops as a human being. sometimes that has nothing to do with controlling or being controlled by somebody else. sometimes it just has to do with finding your own individual identity. sometimes there is no role except just actually being yourself.
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Old 04-13-2015, 03:12 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by superodalisque View Post
or it may be that a relationship sometimes has nothing whatsoever to do with power dynamics but just with the fact that each person grows changes and develops as a human being. sometimes that has nothing to do with controlling or being controlled by somebody else. sometimes it just has to do with finding your own individual identity. sometimes there is no role except just actually being yourself.
This has been suggested and acknowledged. This is a big part of why I am just willing to see how it plays out. If I am enjoying this emerging dynamic, and my wife is as well, the reason behind it is less important than the fact that we are growing together as a couple.
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Old 04-13-2015, 09:06 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by happily_married View Post
This has been suggested and acknowledged. This is a big part of why I am just willing to see how it plays out. If I am enjoying this emerging dynamic, and my wife is as well, the reason behind it is less important than the fact that we are growing together as a couple.
then no need to label it. just be yourselves labels have constraints.
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Old 08-08-2015, 02:17 PM   #21
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I have been a sub for so long, now I am taking on the dom role. I fo like to switch it up.
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Old 08-08-2015, 02:29 PM   #22
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Sub rolls? I prefer seeded, whole wheat is good sometimes. I hate when they get soggy from the mayo so I put the mayo between the meat and cheese.

Wait I think I read this topic wrong.
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